Cheating on your spouse

. . . . It would hurt my wife if I told her - so I don't hurt her by not telling her. Our situation is complicated . . . .

Very simply, you gotta do what you gotta do and it's OK.

@gwhap Dealing with a disabled spouse has to be such a difficult thing. Not only the stress and work involved with taking care of someone, but also the loss of that ‘partner’ that you enjoyed life with. It is very very sad, my condolences.

My best friend was married to an older woman. They were great together for 20 yrs and enjoyed a great sex life. Then she got older, has some health issues, went through menopause. They both gained weight, and he also was a fan of beer so usually stunk like it, which turned her off. And he wasn’t going to or was unable to change that. So sex drastically diminished.

I dearly loved both of these people, but what do you do? She shouldnt be forced to have sex she doesn’t want! But he shouldn’t be forced to be celibate! Who is wrong for being unhappy sexually? BTW he, like I, would and could have sex with a partner who was just phoning it in. So even if she offered to just be there (which she did at times), what the fuck is the point?

If I was married, and became disabled and unable to have sex, I’d like to think I could be man enough to want my wife to remain a sexual being with someone else. I have no idea if I could and have no idea how others should handle this situation

@gwhap Dealing with a disabled spouse has to be such a difficult thing. Not only the stress and work involved with taking care of someone, but also the loss of that ‘partner’ that you enjoyed life with.

Appreciate your condolences, but we both still have a very fulfilling life and enjoy each other - I didn't lose a life partner. We just had to go in a different direction than we planned. I do my best to make sure she stays active and engaged - but I also know I have to take care of myself ..... and I don't feel guilty for it.

What ever you decide to do in your marriage is up to you. Be prepared to deal with it if your spouse does find out about any activities you did.

For some they risk loosing it all if their spouse found out they were having an affair.

Be sure to have some idea on how you can back peddle or contain the damage if you are found out. Then maybe you will not lose as much. Consider it damage control. But be prepared for the worst posdible situation, just in case.

What and how you do things in your marriage is up to you.

It is up to you and there will be consequences if you get caught. It doesn't always end in a messy divorce but the potential is always there. I think it takes 2 to tango and there are just as many women looking for something as there are men. There are more men on the site that's true but it works both ways.

I would never cheat if I was married, but there was a time when I was married that my ex and I agreed to an open marriage. We did that for a few months.

Unfortunately, I found out from her that some of her old high school mates would follow her when she was seeing another man and they even flattened her tires. People need to mind their own business.

This may be simplistic but if you feel guilty after you’re probably doing something wrong. If you have to ask the ‘is X cheating?’ the answer is most likely yes.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! As my dear sweet Grandmother used to say, she would shrug her shoulder and say, "Whatever so and so does goes home with them." As one who has been divorced and remarried can attest. My first marriage, I repressed my feelings for a long time. When I came brave enough to share them she thought I was "sick" and 'twisted" She was quite shocked when she confided in a good friend of hers who shared that when she gives her husband a blow job she plays with his ass and rubs his prostate gland and milks him dry! My ex was shocked. She had me believing there was something wrong with me. So after we split I went to see a sex therapist. Turns out I'm NOT as twisted and "sick" as she thought I was! lol For the record Miss First Wife has just gone through divorce number 3. Current wife was great when we first married. Since we have gotten older and she has gone through menopause she has no interest in me what so ever!. It's been well over 3 years since we shared a bed. She had various health issues and medications for such. Once in a great while she would give me a hand job. I got tired of asking and begging. Do I love my wife? Yes, I sure do, She is my best friend. Would I do anything to hurt her. Certainly not intentionally, but I have needs. Playing the solo game and jerking off to a Zity story is ok for a release but it's not the same as feeling another living breathing body holding you and rocking your world. I do not blatantly run around and make my dalliances known. After all, discretion is the better part of valor. I'm not proud of what I do. But I do still have needs. So let he who is among you without sin cast the first stone! For those of you who are "believers" on the judgement day we will all be held accountable and that includes ME!

My husband is not a divorce lawyer, yes he has friends who are, but he has given advice to quite a few people who are getting ready to go thru a divorce.

He has a saying "Collecting ex-wives is the most expensive hobby a man can have."

My husband who has lawyer friends, one of whom is a divorce lawyer told my husband the thing to do is to kill your wife (or have her killed). You will probably go to jail for a while, but not that long, and when you get out you will still have all your money.

Don't co-mingle money and keep separate accounts. He also said the best thing is NOT to get married--just live together.

.... a divorce lawyer told my husband the thing to do is to kill your wife (or have her killed). You will probably go to jail for a while, but not that long, and when you get out you will still have all your money.

Aaron Wilburn (an inspirational speaker, comedian and songwriter) and others have songs/jokes along the line:

"If I'd shot her when I wanted, I'd be out of jail by now"

"I'm so miserable now, it's almost like you were here"

"If my nose were running money, I'd blow it all on you....but it snot"

Noted country guitarist Chet Atkins wrote a song, and I'm sure you can find it on Youtube. It's about an ex wife and whenever it snows he begins to think about her and just has to go out an write her name in the snow! lol but it's difficult to "dot the t's cross the i's!

my lawyer told me the same things regarding my ex wife. Especially since she had hooked up with another guy while we were married. The fly in the ointment was that she became pregnant! At the time I blamed her bitchiness on hormones. After the birth of daughter #2 everything came to light. Her Paramore, who then became her second husband, was of different ethnic persuasion. NOW PLEASE DONT GET ME WRONG! I have nothing against inter-racial marriages but in this case it would have been very obvious that she had been fibbing after the youngest daughter was born. But that's all water over the bridge after 22 years.

Don't co-mingle money and keep separate accounts. He also said the best thing is NOT to get married--just live together.

I have a pair of old friends. One of them just passed away from not tending to his diabetes. He was 76 and she is 82. They lived together until his hoarding literally drove her out of the house, she could no longer fit so she got a place nearby. They got together every day though, she just could not sleep there and I understand why. By the end he has a path just wide enough for him to get in the door and to his chair, and a path from the chair to the bedroom, which had enough room for one person to curl up, and a small path to the shitter.

Anyway, she took care of him, she was there every day and they spent a lot of time together even though they slept in different places.

As soon as he died, his family moved in. He had explicitly left her one annuity but literally everything else of value that was not nailed down, they legally walked off with, and they really had no kind words for her. In fact she has not heard from them since the funeral.

I am not sure what the right answer is, but this was a sad chapter for someone who deserved a lot better.

I got tired of asking and begging. Do I love my wife? Yes, I sure do, She is my best friend. Would I do anything to hurt her. Certainly not intentionally, but I have needs.

Yeah, you took the words right out of my mouth!

Sadly it happens. If you feel guilty afterwards then you should not have done it in the first place.

Musicman4350 said

I got tired of asking and begging. Do I love my wife? Yes, I sure do, She is my best friend. Would I do anything to hurt her. Certainly not intentionally, but I have needs.

If you don't get what you want at home because your partner refuses to do what you want, the partner shouldn't be surprised when you look for it elsewhere--and they should permit it.

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Wolfman said

Sadly it happens. If you feel guilty afterwards then you should not have done it in the first place.

Not true.

Just because you might feel guilty afterwards doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. If you do it, the guilt the person has is obviously less than the pleasure they get from doing it.

I really have ZERO SYMPATHY for partners who are cheated on when they simply won't do what the other person wants.

IMO, A happy ending from intercourse involving any of her 3 holes would be, but a not hand. And as long as you're not denying your spouse intercourse as a result, i don't consider it a sin.

ITMac said

IMO, A happy ending from intercourse involving any of her 3 holes would be, but a not hand. And as long as you're not denying your spouse intercourse as a result, i don't consider it a sin.

If the spouse won't have intercourse or allow her spouse to fuck any of her three holes, it is not cheating if the spouse goes elsewhere for it. The same goes for a handjob, enemas, medfet or BDSM activities.

BTW--There is no such thing as a sin.

Do I love my wife? Yes, I sure do, She is my best friend. Would I do anything to hurt her. Certainly not intentionally, but I have needs.

No, if you knew she would be hurt by you having sex with someone else you DID do something intentionally to hurt her. The only issue is if you were caught or not. As for judgement day, it doesnt exist, so your conscience and morality is all you have to answer to.

If you don't get what you want at home because your partner refuses to do what you want, the partner shouldn't be surprised when you look for it elsewhere--and they should permit it.

@SwitchableSusie What if the partner wants you to have sex with dogs, or sex with 20 other men, or be a glory hole ‘hole’ for countless anonymous men?? Is that something every wife should do or else feel she violated her marriage contract?

Look, if your partner refuses to have ‘regular’ sex with you, then sure, they violated the marriage ‘contract’. Or if you insist, require or demand some form of sex to be happy, and they won’t do it, then END THE CONTRACT! Find someone you are MORE compatible with! Oh, its too complicated, money is too difficult, we have kids... all excuses! If you aren’t happy in your relationship, tell the person and either find a solution (even being allowed to ‘cheat’ is fine if both agree) OR END it and MOVE ON!

@SwitchableSusie What if the partner wants you to have sex with dogs, or sex with 20 other men, or be a glory hole ‘hole’ for countless anonymous men?? Is that something every wife should do or else feel she violated her marriage contract?

I don't think a partner should be forced to have sex with a dog or a horse, but the two people should work to do things together. If they cannot do that then the person in need of the activities should be given free reign to get it where they can.

CJ1999 said

Look, if your partner refuses to have ‘regular’ sex with you, then sure, they violated the marriage ‘contract’. Or if you insist, require or demand some form of sex to be happy, and they won’t do it, then END THE CONTRACT! Find someone you are MORE compatible with! Oh, its too complicated, money is too difficult, we have kids... all excuses! If you aren’t happy in your relationship, tell the person and either find a solution (even being allowed to ‘cheat’ is fine if both agree) OR END it and MOVE ON!

A lot of people can't just move on and the excuses you listed are valid if getting a divorce or separation is not a viable solution.

I wonder many things. Why someone would marry someone who doesn't like sex.

I wonder about the whole "doesn't like sex after menopause " thing, because that's not really true.

For me, I'd give up any kink playing to be in a vanilla relationship with a decent person.

No amount of playing will ever replace being alone, and I'm rather independent and have a lot of interests and hobbies, but it's imposed, when you don't have options. I earn a good living and it's not about gold-digging.

I'd give these kinky interests up to be with someone who cared if I made it home from work, who was good at conversation and had similar interests.

I have an active fantasy mind, so I can whip myself into a froth getting myself off, and I'd deal with no more real time stuff, if I had a real friend.

Sundaybrunch said

I wonder many things. Why someone would marry someone who doesn't like sex.

I wonder about the whole "doesn't like sex after menopause " thing, because that's not really true.

For me, I'd give up any kink playing to be in a vanilla relationship with a decent person.

No amount of playing will ever replace being alone, and I'm rather independent and have a lot of interests and hobbies, but it's imposed, when you don't have options. I earn a good living and it's not about gold-digging.

I'd give these kinky interests up to be with someone who cared if I made it home from work, who was good at conversation and had similar interests.

I have an active fantasy mind, so I can whip myself into a froth getting myself off, and I'd deal with no more real time stuff, if I had a real friend.

You sound like a wonderful woman and a man would be lucky to have you in his life.

I wonder about the whole "doesn't like sex after menopause " thing, because that's not really true.

You are half right. Guys want to have sex after menopause . Many women don't. Also as people get older they tend to need more prescription drugs and they can be a factor. Mental issues also seem to become more acute with age, other medical issues, and probably chronic pain. It could also be that females are so much more body self-consciousness. Most men don't seem to be all that hung up on how they look, while many women seem to be. When their looks go, and gravity takes over... I have known women and it has been like someone has thrown a switch. And I hear the same thing from a lot of my male friends.

I am not saying this happens to all females, but it definitely happens to a cross section of them. Not sure if it is mental or physical, but it does happen.

@reggind said

You are half right. Guys want to have sex after menopause . Many women don't.

Yes, and from what I've seen, those women who "switch off" after menopause often seem to expect their men to switch off also. But that's unrealistic and is actually a problem when the man has unmet needs, leading to feelings of resentment, rejection etc.

Of course it isn't always the woman who loses her sex drive. Sometimes it happens the other way round, and for some reason it's the man who loses his drive.

A lot of people can't just move on and the excuses you listed are valid if getting a divorce or separation is not a viable solution.

@SwitchableSusie No, they aren't valid, they are just excuses. At one point, you believed this person was everything to you, your perfect mate, your other half, and you promised that for life. If that’s not the case anymore, ‘man up’ and discuss it, come up with a solution or move on... certainly they can’t be happy with YOU either!

Just because something is an excuse, that doesn't make it invalid--it just means it isn't the best solution to the problem. Many couples just don't have the money to suck it up and move on. They are stuck with each other and just have to make the best of it. Many couples live under these circumstances.

Reggind here is another example of what can happen if you just live together with no marriage.

A older neighbor and his girlfriend lived in his house for years. When he died his kids booted her out with nothing except what was hers, since he had willed it all to them. It was amazing what was left in the house and buildings for them to knock down and bury.

Also as people get older they tend to need more prescription drugs and they can be a factor. Mental issues also seem to become more acute with age, other medical issues, and probably chronic pain. It could also be that females are so much more body self-consciousness. Most men don't seem to be all that hung up on how they look, while many women seem to be. When their looks go, and gravity takes over... I have known women and it has been like someone has thrown a switch. And I hear the same thing from a lot of my male friends.

The side affects of the medical condition and the medication "needed" to control/fix it can be a factor in loss of sexual interest. It is hard to adjust to and find a waybso both parties, male or female, are pleased. It only becomes how hard it is to get through when it actually affects your own situation. Then the reality has to set in and adjustments are either made or you step out on your partner.

Cheating is cheating. You just have to remember what might happen if you were to be caught.

Just because something is an excuse, that doesn't make it invalid--it just isn't the best solution to the problem. Many couples just don't have the money to suck it up and move on. They are stuck with each other and just have to make the best of it. Many couples live under these circumstances.

I couldn't agree more. While the intimate relationship might have disintegrated beyond repair, such married couples tend to stick it out due mostly to finances, family and friends. They just plod along, and the lucky ones get some action on the sideline. With or without the knowledge (or consent) of their partner. Sad, but - as Susie said - many couples live under these circumstances. I should know. I'm one of them.

Most of the responses talk about people going outside of their marriage/relationship due to lack of interest or unwillingness of their partners to participate in certain activities. A lot of people who are getting a full menu at home go outside their relationship for other reasons; sport, diversity, conquests, or whatever. Maybe for some it's the fact they CAN do it and the RISK of getting caught that motivates them.

Back to the original post: getting a happy ending from a masseuse is cheating. Deal with it!

I am definitely not woman bashing here but I do know a couple of females that pretty much used menopause as an excuse to no longer need to feel obligated to have sex with their husbands. As if it was a legitimate reason and then were able to not feel guilty for not fulfilling that role.

The feeling obligated was the key word for me and a couple of closer friends I did actually ask if they ever enjoyed sex in the first place. One admitted that it was always more of a chore and she would have been happy with only doing it a few times a year. The other said she lost physical attraction to her husband over the years and was happy she did not no longer need to fake it. I asked her if she found other men attractive and found herself fantasizing, she said oh no that would be wrong. (she was very religious).