Cheating on your spouse

very simply you have to be able to look in the mirror and like,love and respect the person you see

Verily I say unto you: who really really likes themselves and has never done anything they wish they hadn't? Who has no regrets (Edith Piaf maybe?)

Only people with some kind of mental pathology fall into that category, say like a narcissist or some kind of socio-/psychopath. Or else someone who has a very high opinion of themselves.

There is one point I want to make about cheating.

The typical spouse's line, "How could you do this to me" is patently stupid.

Cheating is NOT something you do TO someone. Cheating is something you do for yourself.

If you aren't getting what you want at home, you go elsewhere to get what you want or need.

Agree with Susie. I've never had intercourse outside of the marriage - buy I have seen pro-dommes to explore fetishes I have that my wife wasn't into. That was cheating and I did it for myself - not out of spite for my wife.

And yes - going back to the original question - getting a happy ending at a massage is cheating. Say 10 hail Mary's and drop $10 in the donation box.

Then ask your spouse to tell you what THEY have been doing to scratch their own sexual itches? What Internet sites have they been visiting? What random strangers have they been chatting with? What erotic stories have they been reading? What porn have they been watching?

@JimmyJohnson Of course! You SHOULD find out what your committed partner likes sexually! Couples really should communicate more to see what makes each other happy... and then figure out some solution if incompatibilities arise. I know, much easier said than done...

As to OP, yes a happy ending massage is absolutely cheating, unless you told your wife you were going to get one (with said ending) and she said "ok, have fun!"

Cheating is NOT something you do TO someone. Cheating is something you do for yourself. If you aren't getting what you want at home, you go elsewhere to get what you want or need.

No, not always.

Usually people (particularly men) cheat when their partner isn't satisfying them. Then the statement above holds true.

However, I do know of some people (usually women) who will cheat on their boyfriend (often with someone close to the boyfriend, like a friend, or relative) simply to spite them, or for some kind of twisted revenge.

Sounds like a plot from a bad TV show (because it is) but I have heard it happen a handful of times in real life. You can bet these kinds of stories spread like swine flu, to ensure the SO who got cheated on gets the full effect.

@JR3 said

... However, I do know of some people (usually women) who will cheat on their boyfriend (often with someone close to the boyfriend, like a friend, or relative) simply to spite them, or for some kind of twisted revenge.

Indeed. I've seen this happen several times to friends of mine. In the case of one, his girlfriend cheated on him in a fit of pique, blaming him for not meeting the unreasonable demands to which she felt entitled. She had the idea that she could fly into fits of rage, and that would make him want to commit to taking her further into his life and cementing the relationship.

That wasn't going to happen.

Indeed. I've seen this happen several times to friends of mine. In the case of one, his girlfriend cheated on him in a fit of pique, blaming him for not meeting the unreasonable demands to which she felt entitled. She had the idea that she could fly into fits of rage, and that would make him want to commit to taking her further into his life and cementing the relationship.

You'll note that "she could fly into fits of rage" and "make him want to commit..." place the blame where? On HIM. HE is at fault. HE is not paying enough attention to her, her needs and of course HER feeeeelings. In the wanton female hamster wheel brain, that adds up to HIS FAULT. She's not a slut; HE drove her into the arms of another man...cue the Gone with the Wind soundtrack...

Meantime, she's riding some better man's c**k, a man who "treats her well, listens to her, tunes into her issues and needs, and rubs her feet." Also, known as a bad boy / alpha / sport coat asshole. A potentially better / more exciting partner who "brings more to the table." See how that works? She cheats, and cheats "up" but it's all her current man's fault because "he isn't meeting her needs." Meantime he's working his ass off 60 hours a week at the office to make the mortgage and car payments.

And if caught, even by her own girlfriends, then well, "like, I dunno, it just happened." It's never her actual doing. "It just haaaaapened." If my BF/husband hadn't worked so late all those nights, then Markus wouldn't have had the opportunity to come over (and bend me over).

The only commitment that is in question is hers. As in her original commitment to the relationship. And flying into fits of rage? That just screams "crazy" to all men. Further pushing her away, but get this - it's still his fault because he thinks she's crazy, even if she isn't. See how that works?

Separate subject: as for massage and happy endings, not cheating unless your own spouse / sigoth can give a good deep tissue, cranio-sacral, and reflexology treatment ahead of sex or a righteous handjob. Oh, she can't (read: won't)? News flash: masseuses and masseurs will happily give a female client the same treatment. But in that case yet again, "it just happened..." and it certainly wouldn't be her fault.

I said

Indeed. I've seen this happen several times to friends of mine. In the case of one, his girlfriend cheated on him in a fit of pique, blaming him for not meeting the unreasonable demands to which she felt entitled. She had the idea that she could fly into fits of rage, and that would make him want to commit to taking her further into his life and cementing the relationship.

That wasn't going to happen.

@Agasmic said

I respectfully disagree...

I condemned her behaviour as totally unacceptable, and I thought that would be obvious. You didn't actually think I supported her and believed he was in the wrong, did you?

I am going to play devils advocate here for a minute, I also need to gather my thoughts before I can respond to the last few comments.

When does a marriage end ? I am not talking about a piece of paper declaring it void but the actual relationship part . The commitment part ? Do both parties have to agree and state it to each other ? Can it end for one person and not the other ? What if one refuses to acknowledge that its over ? Does the other have to wait for them to agree ?

I think all of that plays a role ( albeit small in some cases) in what is considered cheating .

So many people say that marriage is just a piece of paper . Does that piece of paper fail to have any merit when one spouse is not upholding what need to go into a marrige to make it work ?

I am not trying to make excuses for cheating or rid some people of guilt or even give them permission . But there are so many things that CAN happen that leads to going outside of said marriage and remember there are three sides to every story .

I condemned her behaviour as totally unacceptable, and I thought that would be obvious. You didn't actually think I supported her and believed he was in the wrong, did you?

I stand corrected, and edited my previous comment accordingly.

But there are so many things that CAN happen that leads to going outside of said marriage and remember there are three sides to every story .

And there we go. "It just haaaapened." Three sides: her side, as the lying, cheating whore who won't accept responsibility for her own actions; his side as the bewildered divorce-raped cuckold, and the Court's side, which will ostensibly award said lying, cheating whore half of her ex-husband's assets and salary/wages, alimony, and most definitely primary custody of his children.

And why? Because "it was over a long time ago for her, and he didn't want to acknowledge it, and she didn't want to wait for him to agree."

Because marriage - which used to be a legally binding contract - means NOTHING now. Except the man figuratively handing the woman a loaded revolver with which to end his life as he knows it, but hopes - "ooh, ooh, if only he can please her enough and take care of all her neeeeeeds...." she won't actually pull the trigger. Which she does, 75% of the time.

So shut up; we don't care, fuck off.

However, I do know of some people (usually women) who will cheat on their boyfriend (often with someone close to the boyfriend, like a friend, or relative) simply to spite them, or for some kind of twisted revenge.

Cheating on anybody out of spite--to punish them--is a good reason for the spouse cheated upon to end the relationship.

Because marriage - which used to be a legally binding contract - means NOTHING now.

NOTHING could be farther from the truth.

If you think a marriage isn't a binding contract, just try getting a divorce and settlement, let alone one where the man doesn't get raped by the court system.

Getting back to fucking someone other than your spouse while you are married or getting a happy ending hand-job to a massage, cheating on your spouse doesn't actually harm anyone. Sure the spouse will probably get angry and lose trust and respect for the cheating spouse, but no actual harm occurs, especially of they don't find out about it.

Please don't reply with psycho shrinko mumbo jumbo bullshit to the contrary. Married people are adults and are supposed to be mature and should have the ability to get over it if they are interested in staying a couple.

Not true if you have an open relationship.

If you aren't getting what you want at home, you go elsewhere to get what you want or need.

I guess I assumed the premise was one's spouse didn't know what was going on and didn't/wouldn't approve of it.

I'm not getting it at home and also won't go elsewhere to get it. Sure, I have fantasies; but, that's all they are and I know it. My reality is I've simply resolved to get a substitute, albeit a poor one, at home and solo. It isn't anywhere near what I want. Yes, I watch porn, visit Zity, and satisfy my anal desires; but, none of that is anywhere near in the same league as having sex with my wife.

All of you have valid points - I cheated on my husband Tom with Cedar. I wasn't proud about what I did - I had my marriage and family on the line because of MY decision to pursue something I wasn't getting at the time. I rolled the dice - I took the chance, I learned what I wanted for myself, and then I learned what and how a man's mind twirled, figured out how to get what I wanted from my husband, and then got the courage up to go for it. I went about it wrong - but fuck you if you think you're going to sit in judgement and critique what and how I did it. Those who do it themselves - that's your business. You don't like it - good, because I don't care. 😡

Now I have it all - and I could have lost it all easily because of choices I made, and if it had gone south, I would be the only one to blame for it. No one else - it would have been me, making my choices and knowing there could and would be consequences. I played that bullshit morality game with myself - but finally got what I want and life is good for the most part and that's the way it is.

Moral of the story - cheating is cheating, choices are yours, and so are the consequences, good or bad. 😎 If you don't cheat - great, more power to ya! 😉 But don't expect a gold star - or a pat on the back from me. It's your choice - and your business.

Here's what Pysch Today says are the main causes for cheating (I don't think they are prioritized):

1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in your primary relationship.

2. Desire for additional sexual encounters.

3. Lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship.

4. Wanting emotional validation from someone else.

5. Falling out of love with your partner.

6. Falling in love with someone new.

7. Your wanting to seek revenge.

8. You’re curious and want new experiences

I've done things outside of my marriage with pro-Doms and masseuses/masseurs that I consider cheating. They fall into categories 1 and 8. I don't feel guilty and I haven't hurt my wife. Being more sexually active than my wife doesn't mean I don't love and respect her.

I've done things outside of my marriage with pro-Doms and masseuses/masseurs that I consider cheating. They fall into categories 1 and 8. I don't feel guilty and I haven't hurt my wife. Being more sexually active than my wife doesn't mean I don't love and respect her.

I agree with you on that.

Others might disagree.

I stand corrected, and edited my previous comment accordingly.And there we go. "It just haaaapened." Three sides: her side, as the lying, cheating whore who won't accept responsibility for her own actions; his side as the bewildered divorce-raped cuckold, and the Court's side, which will ostensibly award said lying, cheating whore half of her ex-husband's assets and salary/wages, alimony, and most definitely primary custody of his children.

Because marriage - which used to be a legally binding contract - means NOTHING now. Except the man figuratively handing the woman a loaded revolver with which to end his life as he knows it, but hopes - "ooh, ooh, if only he can please her enough and take care of all her neeeeeeds...." she won't actually pull the trigger. Which she does, 75% of the time.

So shut up; we don't care, fuck off.

Shit, @Agasmic WTF happened to you?? Wow does it sound like you hate women! Bridgette, who wrote your second quote and the ‘3 sides’ comment said NOTHING about women using divorce to screw the husband... nor did she say the woman wasn’t taking responsibility for her actions.

I got divorced from my wife, and we had 2 VERY young children. She had the ‘issues’ that caused us to split up. But, she didn’t RUN after my wallet. Her job wasn’t to screw me. We split kids 50/50... no alimony, no child support going either way. Any real father could do exactly the same thing - spit custody and then no child support order. I doubt ANY court would not approve 50/50 parenting these days, unless either parent is deemed unfit. Of course, then they’d have to be a PARENT for 50% of their time... they cant just be an every other wkend Dad.

I’ve also met and dated many divorced women. And NONE of them went after their exes to screw them over either! It wasn’t like the divorce was friendly, but they all talked about being pretty damn fair, they gave up the house, they worked out custody, etc.

God you sound so bitter. Let it go and move on, life will get better.

I’ve also met and dated many divorced women. And NONE of them went after their exes to screw them over either! It wasn’t like the divorce was friendly, but they all talked about being pretty damn fair, they gave up the house, they worked out custody, etc.

You must have dated unique women because that's not at all what I here going on listening to other women talk.

God you sound so bitter. Let it go and move on, life will get better.

It takes a LONG time for things to get better for most men. Usually it gets better after their ex spouse DIES.

A good friend of ours who was divorced and remarried paid alimony to his ex-wife for many years--much longer than he should have, but the courts raped him. The day his ex-wife died of cancer, he and his second wife drank a bottle of 1951 Chateau Lafite Rothschild cru classe--about $2000 at the time!

I've done things outside of my marriage with pro-Doms and masseuses/masseurs that I consider cheating. They fall into categories 1 and 8. I don't feel guilty and I haven't hurt my wife. Being more sexually active than my wife doesn't mean I don't love and respect her.

@gwhap I’m ‘glad’ you do consider those cheating, but I’m not sure you haven’t hurt your wife. If it wouldn’t hurt your wife, why don’t you tell her? Explain that you are not getting 1 & 8 and see if SHE feels hurt; its not your call to tell her how she feels.

Or, another way, how would you feel if she admitted to you, that she has done similar things with other people whom she paid to get her off. Would you feel cheated or hurt? Now maybe you wouldn’t but that doesn’t mean that she feels the same.

I’m not trying to pick on you; I know marriages, especially long term ones can be very very complicated. There’s a lot more than just sex involved. I guess I wish, stupidly, that couples could communicate more and come up with solutions to the ‘incompatible sex drives’ issue. Its not right for her to be forced to have kinky sex she doesn’t want/like, but its not right for you to be frustrated until you die. Life is messy...

@gwhap I’m ‘glad’ you do consider those cheating, but I’m not sure you haven’t hurt your wife. If it wouldn’t hurt your wife, why don’t you tell her?

It doesn't hurt his wife because she doesn't know.

It's that simple. She doesn't NEED to know either.

You must have dated unique women because that's not at all what I here going on listening to other women talk.

A good friend of ours who was divorced and remarried paid alimony to his ex-wife for many years--much longer than he should have, but the courts raped him. The day his ex-wife died of cancer, he and his second wife drank a bottle of 1951 Chateau Lafite Rothschild cru classe--about $2000 at the time!

@SwitchableSusie I dont think my experience is unique. I dated ‘normal’ women. And maybe your second paragraph spells the difference. I am middle class, college educated, decent house, couple of non new cars, some nice vacations. Nothing fancy, but doing OK. Most people are in the middle. No one in the middle has a $2000 bottle of wine. You mentioned in another thread about pre-nups. IMO, NO ONE in the middle class does pre nups, I’ve never heard of one, never knew anyone that ever considered one. 1%ers use pre Nups. It seems like all these money grubbing, cheating, scamming, scheming, whore wives are in that 1% class. I gusss I’m glad i‘m not there.

You mentioned in another thread about pre-nups. IMO, NO ONE in the middle class does pre nups, I’ve never heard of one, never knew anyone that ever considered one. 1%ers use pre Nups. It seems like all these money grubbing, cheating, scamming, scheming, whore wives are in that 1% class.

My father in law teaches at Columbia U.

He tells every single resident NOT to get married, and if they do to have a pre-nup and warns them about the frequency and devastations [mostly for the men] about divorce. (Sometimes I wonder why he let me marry his son! 😁 I guess he knew his son and I were perfectly suited perverts, although our families knew each other for about 12 years before we got married.) The divorce rate is so high it's ridiculous. He especially likes it when three residents are talking about getting married or engaged because he enjoys telliing them that two of them are getting a divorce! Some residents have married each other or medical and dental students over the years and some of the women have been such bitches, they have had orders of protection where their ex-spouses couldn't even walk down certain hallways because the women had classes or clinic activity there. Guys don't do that--only women do. That's one of the reasons that as a rule, I like men better than women.

"It just haaaapened." Three sides: her side, as the lying, cheating whore who won't accept responsibility for her own actions; his side as the bewildered divorce-raped cuckold, and the Court's side, which will ostensibly award said lying, cheating whore half of her ex-husband's assets and salary/wages, alimony, and most definitely primary custody of his children.

And why? Because "it was over a long time ago for her, and he didn't want to acknowledge it, and she didn't want to wait for him to agree."

Because marriage - which used to be a legally binding contract - means NOTHING now. Except the man figuratively handing the woman a loaded revolver with which to end his life as he knows it, but hopes - "ooh, ooh, if only he can please her enough and take care of all her neeeeeeds...." she won't actually pull the trigger. Which she does, 75% of the time.

So shut up; we don't care, fuck off.

Lol wow. I think we found who took the red pill. Seriously though, what is wrong with you?

And whats wrong with the one two three mods in the thread that let this joker keep going? The opinion is fine, stupid, but fine... the way it is being expressed is not.

And whats wrong with the one two three mods in the thread that let this joker keep going? The opinion is fine, stupid, but fine... the way it is being expressed is not.

It probably does need to be toned down a little in future posts. We don't need it to continue any further in quite that way.

@Agasmic said ,

So shut up; we don't care, fuck off.

I really hope you were not addressing me . I did not attack you personally in any way, shape or form. Believe you would know if I did. I was respectful and so has everyone else been, in this thread. Your bitterness is aimed at the wrong people and to cut down the female population and soley blame them you are just as delusioned as bitter.

I am going to stop now, and bite my tongue to keep from lowering myself to your level.

I can’t promise next time the gloves wont come off .

There is really no right answer on this one. I know a few guys that have lost everything for various reasons. Some were cheating, some were cheated on. It happens all the time. I've always considered being on this site cheating, it's something that I have to live with after decades of a sexless marriage. It isn't right. I do think this thread has gotten a bit out of control. everyone take a deep breath.

@SwitchableSusie said ,

Its that simple she doesn’t need to know either .

I have to agree with this , a confession of cheating USUALLY, only serves two purposes ; to hurt the other person or to rid yourself of the guilt. Neither would have pleasant consequences 😢

There is really no right answer on this one...I've always considered being on this site cheating, it's something that I have to live with after decades of a sexless marriage. It isn't right.

I feel exactly the same way. There's no one-size-fits-all answer to marriage, divorce and relationships. Everyone must make their own choice and decide what works for them, and their spouse (if they care about them).

I also feel that being on this site (and doing other things that I've recently started doing) are a form of cheating. But I'm also living in a sexless marriage, and also one in which I frequently find that I no longer have any real "connection" to my wife. I've thought about divorce, but I've also heard enough stories that I don't feel that I want to enrich a pair of lawyers just so we can divorce (at least for now). In other words, I don't want to risk financial suicide just so that I can be single (and free) again. Because if there is a divorce, I'll surely not be free -- I'll have to pay for her expenses in addition to mine.

@gwhap I’m ‘glad’ you do consider those cheating, but I’m not sure you haven’t hurt your wife.

No offense taken. It would hurt my wife if I told her - so I don't hurt her by not telling her. Our situation is complicated - my wife is disabled and unable to enjoy sex. We had an extremely active and adventurous sex life up until 15 years ago. She would feel more inadequate if I told her. Yup - Life is messy. BTW these 'indiscretions' are very infrequent.

I think some folks would not consider this cheating, and some folks would think lusting after a good looking girl to be cheating. It's all in one's point of view.