Are you really who you say you are?

No , you are not too analytical. I too have had been suspicious that many people are not the gender they claim .

I've encountered a lot of people who are not who they project themselves to be, but not when it comes to gender, i'm supposing that's probably because i'm gay? There are a lot of spammers on gay and dating sites it seems (like OKcupid), but they are pretty easy to spot, seems they all use the same template. But those are usually people trying to sell something or phishing, so it can be pretty obvious once you get it.

As others have alluded, it seems the height of sadness to me that someone would feel the need to lie or pretend on a site like zity. If one cannot be their true self here, then my guess is they just haven't grasped the freedoms that this kind of community afford. Sort of like the Island of Misfit Toys (no negative implied), we can likely find acceptance because we all share the common thread/s of being kinky.

Growing up in an era and culture where being gay was considered "sin, sick, etc.," put me on a path of hiding for much of my life. i tried being open, standing up in my church at age 19 to "confess" that i am attracted to guys. No one knew what that meant, we just thought it could be prayed away. It was really scary for me to open up and it was immediately evident to me that no one really got what it meant, including my future wife who was present at that meeting. Realizing that no one got it, and who i am was not acceptable sent me into hiding.

Back then i bought into the notion that i could change, so any honesty had a lot of guilt and shame associated with it. i married young (20) and naively assumed my wife would be my ally in my fight to change from gay to straight. When i again brought up the topic to her about being attracted to guys, it devastated her. i found out many years later she had gone to our pastor and considered getting an annulment, but the two of them discussed me and concluded i was just confused. Still, my naivety and her response to me sent me deep into hiding.

It's a long story, but my point is i lived a huge chunk of my life in hiding, i'm sure there are many who can relate here. i paid a huge price to live as the person i am. i lost literally everything, friends, family, a sizable fortune that i worked hard to build. As a result, i highly value honesty and the ability and opportunity to be who i am with others. i don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but i no longer try to live as someone i am not and i truly pity anyone who does try to do that.

i feel real life is amazing and so worth it and to pretend is a waste of something very precious.

As others have alluded, it seems the height of sadness to me that someone would feel the need to lie or pretend on a site like zity. [...] i don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but i no longer try to live as someone i am not and i truly pity anyone who does try to do that.

Liked your post, tallslenderguy. All I know is that one's self-acceptance seems a key, followed by, or equalled by, an acceptance of others, however they present themselves, even when they're fibbing (big or small). What disturbs me is when their 'fibs' are hurtful to my self-acceptance and/or somebody else's, whereupon the situation becomes inauthentic or destructive. A case in point: the unthinking oppression of gays by heterosexuals in the old days, or even now. They were 'fibbing' in the sense that they thought everyone should be like themselves, which is to live an untruth. Us gays (or bisexuals), however, need to accept that there is always going to be imperfection in the world - and maybe (but not necessarily) work to reduce it while getting on with living our own lives. Same for everybody, surely?

Yes, there are phonies even on Zity. Broadly, I accept that. But I'm hurt by the selfishness of others and by the inconsiderateness of others - both of which I've encountered here. Role-playing games, it seems to me, should be entered into with mutual understanding and respect. The role-playing is just one level; there is also (or should be) the level of the 'real' other person engaging with the 'real' me to have fun and make discoveries, including erotic ones. My pet peeve is the person who is seemingly pre-programmed, and thinks only of enacting his/her own script, imposing it on me without due consultation. (That's a reason why I like role-play by personal messaging, as it allows the to-and-fro, multi-levelled sharing I've referred to.)

I love the inbuilt 'permission' that Zity gives to talk dirty, if it's done with consideration of the other person. I feel, or know, that I'm being agreeably authentic at such times! Such talk even includes a creative component, which is when I feel that I'm being most myself. 'Authenticity' is found in each moment - quite beyond labels.

- Ken

All I know is that self-acceptance seems a key, followed by, or equalled by, an acceptance of others, however they present themselves, even when they're fibbing (big or small).... ...I feel, or know, that I'm being agreeably authentic at such times! Such talk even includes a creative component, which is when I feel that I'm being most myself. 'Authenticity' is found in each moment - quite beyond labels.

- Ken

Thank you Ken, i appreciate what you wrote!

my mind keeps coming back to this thread. i want to clarify that when i said i "truly pity" the person who mis-represents their self, there was no tone of superiority intended. Sharing some of my own experience was an attempt to identify common ground and understanding.

When i stop and think about why a person might lie, my emotional response softens considerably. That's not to an attempt to justify or say "lying is okeedokee." Rather, i have a desire to understand and try to be/become a person people can feel safe with, and by extension, help contribute to an open and accepting society.

i'm convinced that a common thread that runs through all of humanity, linking us all together, is the desire/need for love. i know, big word. i think the definition of love is much bigger than i would attempt to tackle here. But, simply put, i think love is, at least in part, making the effort to see/hear another and then to acknowledge and affirm their value. Really. i think it falls flat if it's just a mechanical exercise. i am also convinced that because i think we are all connected, that in loving another, we love our self as well.

In that vein, i think that we may lie about who we are (plainly put), or project an image that we hope others might affirm, in order to meet the need for acceptance/affirmation ("love"). The sad part is, doing so is an illusion. Our true self remains hidden and un-affirmed (un-loved) when we do that. But at the same time, we may receive a semblance of what we want/need. Kind of a self medication when we cannot get or find the real cure.

I have no doubt there are a lot of people on here who are not the gender or in the situation, or age group they profess to be in. It is one of the hazards of the internet, thought on some other more shall we say socially acceptable forms, people will more often use real names and offer some credentials. Not that that info can't be faked.

On the plus side, being able to read everything a person has posted, and finding contradictions in their stiration, situations that sound wrong, improvable or flat out impossible, and people who seem to be honeypots as in having all of the attributes that a dirty old man would want, helps you seperate the wheat from the chaff. Also the posers seem to either be outed, lose interest, or burn out pretty quickly. I don't think I have seen anybody I thought was suspect last a year.

I think if you use your big head instead of your little head you can pretty much sniff out the rats.

@tallslenderguy Yes, yes, yes. Friendship, family, co-workers . Love comes in all different forms. Respect is a form of love.

There are many posers here. It doesn't take long to figure out who is real and who is full of crap. Many have been banned over the years. My dark secret is I'm really a 20 year old girl in Kazakhstan

@Moppys_jalopy

i never would have guessed!

Tallslenderguy, I think you nailed it with your first post..and others as well. You can tell when you're being lied to...and when people don't read well.

In my profile, and elsewhere on here, I've made it crystal clear In not in to any sort of anal play...hey I get requests for it all the time and then am berated by these people when I will do everything else but that in a medical exam. It's just not my cup of tea.

I've also gotten these guys playing girls who have no recall of their ages at their first periods, breast development, etc. I've never been a girl, but somehow I don't see how youd d forget such a life changing experience. Usually when they don't know I leave the conversation.

I will also leave if there's no chemistry but that's another story...☺ (Gets down off soap box)

Aaaahhhh ya.... last time I looked I was.....

Thank you Ken, i appreciate what you wrote! [...] i'm convinced that a common thread that runs through all of humanity, linking us all together, is the desire/need for love. [...] In that vein, i think that we may lie about who we are (plainly put), or project an image that we hope others might affirm, in order to meet the need for acceptance/affirmation ("love"). The sad part is, doing so is an illusion.

Thanks, tallslenderguy. What you say is doubtless true. My own point wasn't well expressed. I wanted to say that I try to accept people for who they are and where they're at - up to a point and at first! But several times I've found that some person's idea of communication - mainly when engaging in an extended role-play - proves to be too mechanical, or clichéd, for my liking! Left out is room for mutual fellow-feeling, and interaction. Which is where your points above are relevant, it seems to me. After all, there are degrees of love, and at least a tiny amount of it should not go amiss in any shared communication.

In my post I sounded off about when I've occasionally found some Zity persons to be selfish or inconsiderate. (That didn't exactly win me a lot of likes' and 'encouragements'!) But, for example, if you begin an extended conversation or role-play with yours truly, and you find you can't go on with it, then a message to say that you're dropping out would be minimal politeness (again it seems to me)!

On the other hand, there are people here with whom I've had, or continue to have, truly friendly and satisfying correspondence. Love them!

- Ken

Of course I am who I say I am! I'm 6'2" tall, 165# of solid muscle, blue eyes, black hair, 40 yrs old. And if you believe me so far...oh heck! where did I put the deed to that bridge?

I personally have enough trouble being the many shades of me that I would not even consider trying to fake being the me I might try to pretend I am. I'm sorry, that's just the way I was made - hopelessly me forever as far as I can see, but at least I am authentically me! Take me or leave me.

.......Who would you like me to be......?

Nah, I'll just remain myself, thank you.

I always tell the truth ninety-nine percent of the time. I have enough going on in my life that I don't wish to have the added burden of remembering what lies I told to whom.

Besides, lies always have a way of catching up to a person.

As Captain Penny used to say at the end of every show; "You can fool some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool Mom...."

Yes I am

and I really dont care if others fake it.

I am not here for sexy role play. I enjoy RT.

Its always nice to chat with people no matter what. One can usually tell if they are not genuine in that pretenders are here for a fast fun time and don't care too much for idle human chat or longer term friendship.

I have been burned a few times years ago so I don't invest too much and take most things with a grain of salt.

If there is initial interest then I would insist pretty quickly on some sort of cam/text chat.

KinkEDaddy also Herr-Sado on FL

In the inimitable words of Popeye: “I yam what I yam.”

Never saw a need to fake it or try to be something I’m not. I don’t have the time nor imagination to be someone else....

I'm most definitely who I say I am, but I've heard quite a few stories on other sites about fake accounts / men pretending to be women / vice-versa. Unfortunately that's the flip-side of the internet - it's great that it's easy to connect and chat with like-minded people, but the anonymity makes it so easy to pretend all sorts of false things. I think the fakers eventually get caught out though, or get bored of playing games.

The real problem arises when people are here to meet people and they lie about their sex. The people get very friendly and decide to meet up and then they discover one of them is not the sex they said they were.

If the traveling was a car ride, you might just be angry. but if the transportation to meet is a plane ticket, the person telling the lie was responsible for a big expense.

As a play doctor I start with email type communication to establish the relationship, but before a real life meet with a new patient I would normally ask for a phone chat or just a quick voice mail message from the woman.That tends to deal with any timewasters. It's not always necessary if the person has a history on Zity for instance, and you can often read between the lines. My main problems used to come from ads on Yahoo groups or even worse Craigslist.

I am me whenever the mood strikes me. If I am to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice.

I am whom I say I am, but inside my 47 year old head I am still schoolboy me, i just wish that was reality

This is the reason I love this site. Everyone is here for the same reason. I feel absolutely no need to lie. What's the point? Being totally truthful is so liberating. It's not like anyone is gonna call you a freak here. We all have our quirks, and that is good. Let it out and feel good about yourself.

When I say something I am honest. There are some things that I keep private, but that's not unusual here or anywhere.

In truth just as in here I am a sarcastic guy with a dark sense of humour ( part defense from the shit I saw at work & part cultivated by friends) I have met tons of people in real life ,that I hang with in different communities,and other than being shocked tthat I am as ugly as I say I am ,they find the same person ,which I can happily say is true about those I have met I grew up with lots of people coming to lo the house for training and groups and stuff from all over the globe so I am not shy.nanr accept everyone as they. Are (if people have to lie about themselves in order for you to accept them,you are not there friend ) I am a flawed human just like everyone else ,so I take no grief and give no grief ) we are all just trying to get thru this life,if you use that as the ''common ground" we all share ,you open your mind as well as your heart

Are any of us really who we say we are?

Are any of us really who we say we are?

Yeah, actually, some of actually are who we say we are.. you are welcome to ask the board members who I've taken care of over the last few years. Are YOU who you say you are? and if not, WHY NOT?

Doc

Are any of us really who we say we are?

I am. Why would I lie on an anonymous site?

This is an excellent question. It probably started with AOL and YAHOO many years ago. You can go online, create a screen name and then say anything you want.

Who we believe or trust is up to us individually. On AOL I had a guy admit he was male with a female name and this happened several times. But that was their choice.

So I guess we all have to believe what we feel in our guts.

For the record I am who I am in my profile.

On AOL I had a guy admit he was male with a female name and this happened several times.

This used to happen on IRC, too. People who do that need to get a life.