Cheating on your spouse

Let he who is without sin cast the 1st stone. And make sure that non-sinner is ejaculating into his wife's vagina every single time he ejaculates. And make sure he is not forcing her to have sex against her will whenever he has the urge.

Go in peace to love and serve.

@Curious71 said

YES!! You know the truth.. we aren't going to save you.. IMHO SNIFF you are looking for excuses to excuse your guilty feelings .. I'm a god fearing man and you are acting weak! Grow a set and admit fault and beg for forgiveness from your wife and your god.. then yourself.

As I said earlier on the thread, there is no point addressing comments to the OP. He isn't around on the site to see them.

This thread petered out about 3 years ago. It is closely related to the “Sexless Marriage” thread:

https://en.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;topic=109049

If one is in a sexless marriage – whether their spouse isn’t interested in sex anymore - or is unable to perform - or has become undesirable – how do you feel about extracurricular activities? Seeking external partners without your partners consent is cheating. Not arguing that. Is it ever justifiable or even healthy (for lack of better words). Could satisfying sexual need that aren't being filled at home actually help a relationship by preventing resentment or other issues. Hope to hear some thoughts on this – particularly from the new and younger crowd members!!!

Note: Not talking about open relationships where it's OK for one or both partners to play the field.

@gwhap interesting question and one I do struggle with a lot at the moment.

In a way seeking sexual relief through zity is in theory cheating especially if one chats with fellow members through chatgram. If you masturbate to the words or images given to you other than your spouse ,is cheating, even if one has not met in person. I know not everyone will agree with me on this but it is how I feel.

I have not met any zity member in person, when I first joined zity, that was one if the most attractive feature of this site. I could find sexual relief without physically meeting anyone. I was sure I would never meet anyone in “ real life”

It helped prevent resentment and therefore zity might even save my marriage.

Am I still so sure I will not meet anyone I met here in real life? The honest answer is, I have considered it. Much to my own surprise. Will it happen? Not sure, time will tell I suppose.

In a way seeking sexual relief through zity is in theory cheating especially if one chats with fellow members through chatgram…..

Like @Secret_sub being on Zity and enjoying the posts, chats etc without my wife's knowledge is cheating (in my book). I've no guilt or remorse about it. I think some who engage in sex outside their marriage don't feel guilt or remorse as well - and I don't judge them either.

It helped prevent resentment and therefore zity might even save my marriage.

More power to you if Zity fills a void that helps your marriage. I don't consider Zity a substitute for sex. Zity's a fun and interesting venue - and I'd probably be on Zity even if we were still sexually active. I've made some good friends here and have even met them. In fact, at least two have made friends with my wife and we FaceTime regularly. Part of my issue is I don't know why I don't or haven't had a physical relationship outside my marriage. It's not because of the vows I took or religion or whatever. . Not sure it's even an option anymore but If I did would it be a plus or a minus to me personally and/or to my marriage.

In a way seeking sexual relief through zity is in theory cheating especially if one chats with fellow members through chatgram. If you masturbate to the words or images given to you other than your spouse ,is cheating, even if one has not met in person. I know not everyone will agree with me on this but it is how I feel.

But then how would you define sexual relief? Heaven help us if simply reading and enjoying the posts and/or images posted here were ever considered sexual relief. That's going back to the old repressive notion of sin in ‘thoughts, words or deeds’.

How does one live in such a mindset, if thoughts alone constitute a transgression? People taking that seriously must live in hell as they go about their daily business.

But then how would you define sexual relief? Heaven help us if simply reading and enjoying the posts and/or images posted here were ever considered sexual relief. That's going back to the old repressive notion of sin in ‘thoughts, words or deeds’.

I don't think being on ZITY is actually sexual relief - it's just a an outlet where you can express or indulge sexual chat/fantasies/frustrations. Doing so behind your spouses back is an indiscretion - cheating, but probably not a show stopper if =found out. What actually constitutes cheating becomes a huge rabbit hole - is masturbating cheating, is thinking or dreaming about sex cheating, is googling over a lovely women's backside cheating (if sp, I'm guilty as hell!), is waking up with a hard on cheating. Maybe - if you're Catholic!! I'm really poking at whether there is an upside for someone who is in a sexless relationship - for whatever reason - to venture out and have a physical, let's really do it - affair - whether with a regular partner, a few different partners, prostitudes, same sex, or even monkeys!! Not to justify it, but is there a benefit to them and possibly their relationship to relieve the frustration and sexual tension without their spouse knowing about it.

I cannot tell you what to do. I am not here to judge anyone. I can only tell you what I experienced in helping a childhood friend which I recently posted in my blog. If I had sex with my childhood friend without telling my husband, this would be totally wrong. But my husband gave me permission to have sex with my childhood friend. Even though my husband gave me permission, I still felt it was wrong. I did find the idea of having sex with someone else very exciting. Was this a line that I could cross? I struggle for a while with this. I am Catholic and I taught religion class for years. We are only supposed to use sex for procreation. I say really? My husband and I had a lot of discussion about this. Many years ago the Bible said be kind to your slaves. Now, you cannot find that passage anymore. Is a doctor sticking his fingers in my vagina wrong? Most people would say no. I think people try to control our lives whether that be religion and/or government because they think we cannot make good decisions on our own. We live in a modern society with so much information at our finger tips. We can make our own decisions. I finally decided to have sex with my childhood friend because I got my husband’s permission and I was helping a friend through an emotional time in his life. It is all about being good to people and not to hurt people. When my husband masturbates and not telling me, is he doing wrong? Religion would say he is wrong on two accounts. It was tough for me to cross that line but once I did, things became much easier. I am so glad to cross that line. It has brought so much excitement to me and to my husband. One has to decide what is good for them. I have only one life so I plan to live it.

I would like to say I have changed my views on this topic, but can't delete my posts this late. I am now a lot more understanding of why some people cheat, esp. when the spouse is totally closed to the person's kink.

@medfetcouple said:

I cannot tell you what to do. I am not here to judge anyone. I can only tell you what I experienced in helping a childhood friend which I recently posted in my blog. If I had sex with my childhood friend without telling my husband, this would be totally wrong. But my husband gave me permission to have sex with my childhood. Even though my husband gave me permission, I still felt it was wrong. I did find the idea of having sex with someone else very exciting. Was this a line that I could cross? I struggle for a while with this. I am Catholic and I taught religion class for years. We are only supposed to use sex for procreation. I say really? My husband and I had a lot of discussion about this. Many years ago the Bible said be kind to your slaves. Now, you cannot find that passage anymore. Is a doctor sticking his fingers in my vagina wrong? Most people would say no. I think people try to control our lives whether that be religion and/or government because they think we cannot make good decisions on our own. We live in a modern society with so much information at our finger tips. We can make our own decisions. I finally decided to have sex with my childhood friend because I got my husband’s permission and I was helping a friend through an emotional time in his life. It is all about being good to people and not hurt people. When my masturbates and not telling me, is he doing wrong? Religion would say he is wrong on two accounts. It was tough for me to cross that line but once I did, things became much easier. I am so glad to cross that line. It has brought so much excitement to me and to my husband. One has to decide what is good for them. I have only one life so I plan to live it.

Appreciate your input. Your approach of discussing your friends situation with your husband was honorable and good on your husband for listening, discussing this with you, and being accepting. Sounds like once you got past the initial guilty feelings, it opened a lot of doors for both if you and probably made your relationship stronger (just speculation). Religion and society in general do put a lot of stigmas on us that often do more harm than good =- and yes, they are controlling.

I doubt I would feel guilty at all if I had an affair. If I asked my wife's permission, she would probably say yes - but I know it would hurt her and make her feel inadequate. So if I were to do it it would be behind her back. Outside of the sexual pleasure, I don't know if I would feel better about myself and my relationship or not. Your approach worked! Glad for you.

I have to read the all the posts here; want to see if “cheating” was defined. For what it's worth, I see it as doing something that your spouse does not approve of and/or doing something that you know your spouse will not approve of.

@reddevil Appreciate your thought, but hoping to avoid that rabbit hole. I restarted this thread specifically to address having a physical sexual relationship(s) (e.g. doing the deed!) without spousal knowledge or consent.

From Women's Health: “All cheating is not created equal. Ask 10 people what “counts” as cheating and you’d probably get 100 different answers. “Infidelity is a gray area because different individuals have their own boundaries and ideals for romantic relationships,” says Dana Weiser, Ph.D., assistant professor at Texas Tech University.”

I don’t claim to be Catholic, but being on Zity and the very thoughts it evokes would be considered cheating. However, I know those things are not possible In some marriages for a variety of reasons, but Zity makes continuing in those marriages possible. ”Let him/her who is without sin (even sin of THOUGHT !) cast the first stone.”

. It was tough for me to cross that line but once I did, things became much easier. I am so glad to cross that line. It has brought so much excitement to me and to my husband. One has to decide what is good for them. I have only one life so I plan to live it.

I have to read the all the posts here; want to see if “cheating” was defined. For what it's worth, I see it as doing something that your spouse does not approve of and/or doing something that you know your spouse will not approve of.

There are a lot of reasons why it happens but it does happen and that is up to each person and the unique circumstances that lead up to it. A lot of frustrated people that are locked into sexless marriages have found relief here and being one of them I can't make any judgements at to what is right and wrong. Each person has to make that choice and live with the consequences.

I think the majority view on defining cheating would be that you need to lay hands on the other person to have committed this. I realise some will baulk at this, e.g. by saying sex chat alone is cheating, as the desire for another person is there. To those people I would ask 'Do you only ever fantasise about your partner when masturbating or during sex?' Because if not, you too have strayed mentally at least.

Whether this habit helps preserve a strained marriage or just crow-bars the cracks even wider open, by giving a taste of what the sexless spouse doesn't/can't give, is very hard to judge, probably varying from couple to couple and the circumstances. Has the partner lost their sex drive through age/illness, or just unilaterally renegotiated the terms of the marriage long before desire normally fades. Loving compassion or else resentment may be the undercurrent.

There are sex toys available, no doubt commonplace sooner or later, that can be controlled online by another person from wherever via a phone App:

https://www.amazon.com/Hismith-Premium-Machine-Control-Updated/dp/B01JIPMYQU/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

Is that cheating with someone? If my Zity pal holding the speed control is not the beautiful lady in the photoset I was tricked into believing, but rather a man or a juvenile, have I just become Gay or a child abuser? Again, I would say not.

Cheating may be in the mind but I think we have to separate the physical and virtual/mental worlds now more than ever.

Perhaps a separate thread on “What Constitues Cheating" would be helpful to keep this on track. Some spouses wouldn't care if their husband was on Zity or going to rub and tugs - others would be very hurt by it. So cheating is dependent on how it affects the “cheated on” partner. My question still is - if someone is satisfying their sexual desires outside the marriage because they aren't getting it at home (and I'm limiting it to PIV, anal and oral just to avoid the “what is cheating” definition) - is that hurting or helping the cheater or their relationship? Specifically, is there an upside to cheating?

I feel that cheating is only what you define it to be. Humans are not monogamous beings. Unfortunately religion gets in the way of two people determining what is cheating. All too often people equate sex with love. Although they can often be one in the same, often they are not.

An intimate act with someone other than a spouse/partner and without their approval/consent is cheating. If your spouse/partner has previously agreed to this as part of the relationship, then no, I wouldn't consider it cheating. Either way, communication is a necessity and it's time to be open and honest.

But then how would you define sexual relief? Heaven help us if simply reading and enjoying the posts and/or images posted here were ever considered sexual relief. That's going back to the old repressive notion of sin in ‘thoughts, words or deeds’.

@agracier Sexual relief as I see it is not just reading, watching images or chatting with fellow members even if this gets you arroused. However once this material leads to masturbating ( especially to orgasm) than that is what I define as sexual relief

I give up!!

From the many answers, I think that ultimately the Puritans would have been proud of what they wrought in the way of (sexual) morals all those centuries ago … 😢

My question still is - if someone is satisfying their sexual desires outside the marriage because they aren't getting it at home (and I'm limiting it to PIV, anal and oral just to avoid the “what is cheating” definition) - is that hurting or helping the cheater or their relationship? Specifically, is there an upside to cheating?

It is cheating. Your question about whether it helps the cheater is in my case I would say it helps my sanity. It allows me to get some sexual satisfaction after being very frustrated for years. Is it right? Probably not but I am willing to take the risk.

One just has to be prepared to deal with any fall out that may occur if what you do is ever found out by your partner. Then the definition of cheating may get to be decided by your family, your vanilla peers, and/or a court of law.

Give the whole idea a good thought before doing anything.

My question still is - if someone is satisfying their sexual desires outside the marriage because they aren't gettin it at home (and I'm limiting it to PIV, anal and oral just to avoid the “what is cheating” definition) - is that hurting or helping the cheater or their relationship? Specifically, is there an upside to cheating?

If you are in a sexless marriage then meeting discreetly with someone else must be an upside, it can't hurt the cheater unless they feel terribly guilty about it and it can't hurt their partner if they keep it discreet. And if it makes them happy then it will probably make them more relaxed in their platonic relationship with their partner. One downside, apart from being caught, is becoming emotionally involved with the other person or the other person becoming emotionally involved with you, that could add unwanted pressure to the situation so you need to be careful in that respect…

If your spouse is no longer interested in having sex, and you have a sexual encounter on the outside, then you are not cheating your spouse of your sexual energy that they do not want/need from you anyway.

If you can manage to spend time with someone else to have sex and it does not come at a time when your spouse needs you to be around, then you are not cheating your spouse out of time.

If you just have, say, a fuck buddy, where no love is involved, and you're not spending considerable money on them, whether buying them something, giving them something expensive, etc., then you are not cheating your spouse out of fortune.

On the flipside, if your spouse expects you to be faithful, yet won't satisfy your sexual needs, then your spouse IS CHEATING YOU out of sex.

If your spouse is no longer able to have sex, how loving of a spouse do you have to be considerate of your needs and even be supportive in seeing your needs are met ?

We only have one life to live, with which to enjoy our bodies and those of each other. And that life will be over before you know it.

I anticipate a lot of people who contributed to this thread/topic will disagree. In the end, you will be a slave to your own conscience, be a slave to your own morals, and run the risk of having regrets either way, whether you choose to indulge or not to indulge, as the sands of your life continue to disappear through the hour glass of your finite lifetime.

JTMac, I could not have said it any better!

the sands of your life continue to disappear through the hour glass of your finite lifetime.

A true statement if I ever heard one. Nicely done!

@Jtmakam

On the flipside, if your spouse expects you to be faithful, yet won't satisfy your sexual needs, then your spouse IS CHEATING YOU out of sex

Good point… but can get tricky if your spouse wants to satisfy you, but cannot for medical reasons..

@Dr_Philip One downside, apart from being caught, is becoming emotionally involved with the other person or the other person becoming emotionally involved with you, that could add unwanted pressure to the situation so you need to be careful in that respect…

Oh so very true! It's the reason I've never* done anything with another female while being married despite approval of my spouse. *OOPS wrote to soon! I realized a few exceptions; those when my wife was present, and those when she wasn't but the other woman's husband was present. So I should amend what I said to read - I've never done anything on my own with another female.

@Dr_Philip One downside, apart from being caught, is becoming emotionally involved with the other person or the other person becoming emotionally involved with you, that could add unwanted pressure to the situation so you need to be careful in that respect…

Oh so very true! It's the reason I've never done anything with another female while being married despite approval of my spouse. Okay, I realize a few exceptions; those when my wife was present, and those when she wasn't but the other woman's husband was present.

It's a very very fine line to tread when you are sexually involved with another person outside of your marriage. My husband and I are both involved with others outside our marriage but we both know of this and make it a point to keep our marriage at the forefront of anything we do. We are both each others priority and we take precedence over all others, but it takes communication with each other and utter honesty. I truly understand that bit about ‘it's complicated' and there has to be trust but this might be the place for my post. But I think it all comes down to the relationship between the couple and what they perceive or define as cheating as being the only criteria that applies because it is their interpretation or definitions that matter.

For whatever reason, it is no longer black and white for me in the least.

It is not simple at all and I'm afraid I'm not the most objective one to be commenting on what is or is not cheating.