Hi Assmaster,
From a motorcyle shop, buy an inner tube for a 2,75" tyre (wheel diameter doesn't matter, but as large as possible. Next, get 10" or so of 2" OD plastic waste pipe (the kind plumbers fit to hand basins and sinks). Buy some waxed dental floss.
Find, borrow, make, steal, buy or otherwsise obtain a plunger to fit the bore of the pipe. Mine is solid pine. It doesn't have to be a hermetic seal, but it shouldn't be a rattling good fit either. An earlier one of mine used the dust cap from a can of aerosol spray paint affixed to a piece of broom handle. I sized it with electrical insulating tape. The working face of this piston needs special treatment.
Because it will push ahead of it a highly adhesive lump of plastic goo, the load ("turd") will form a seal to the barrel of the pump (the pipe). If this seal is not broken, then on withdrawal of the plunger, the "turd" just inserted will be sucked out again! To stop this, see below.
My pump us designed to be used INSIDE the rectum, and to be retained there if desired. I work the whole barrel into me as far as it will go before I push home the plunger. This forces the working end of the barrel up against the internal flap in the bowel which normally seals the descending colon from the rectum; so that when the plunger is pushed, the "turd" being inserted goes directly into the descending colon without filling the rectum. This way of using it is the reason for its odd design.
To make a first class pump, you have to find out how far inside you the pump barrel needs to go to hit the internal flap. Begin by rounding one end of your pipe carefully until there are no sharp projections. Work it VERY CAREFULLY up your bum (LOTS of lube) until it won't go easily any further. Put a thumb against the pipe where is emerges from your anus and withdraw it. Now mark the point on the pipe where your thumb was.
YOu are going to clad the plastic pipe with a section of the inner tube. The valve will be positioned directly over the mark you just made. Cut a section from the inner tube that overlaps your pipe at each end by about 2" when the valve stem is over your marked spot. The idea is that you will make a foreskin-shaped overlap of rubber at the working end (the end that goes into you), and lash the inner end to the pipe. The lashed end of the inner tube should be about 0,5" back from the end of the barrel, and the overlapping 'foreskin' should cover this completely, overlapping even the end of the barrel by about 0.2"
If you don't know how to lash, here's how. First, cut a piece of dental floss ca. 10" long. Double this over to form a loop. Lay the loop axially over the end of the inner tube you are about to lash. the closed end of the loop should face towards the END of th efinished lashing. Hold it down with your left thumb (assuming you are right handed). Insert the end of the continuous piece of dental floss that will form the lashing next to this loop and hold that with your thum, too. Now begin to wind the dental floss tightly round the inner tube and barrel, working towards the closed end of your loop. After the first turn, the laid-on lashing will trap both the free end of the lashing AND the loop. Wind on 10-15 turns tightly, ending adjacent to the trapped loop. Now sever the end of the lashing, allowing enough free floss to poke the end through the loop. Sieze the free ends of the loop and pull it and the end of the lashing under the laid-on turns to make a neat job with no knots tht will never come undone.
At the other end of the pump (the end that sticks out of your anus), lash the inner tube to the pipe near its end and then fold the inner tube over the lashing, if possible right up to the valve stem. Trim any excess tube away at this point.
Pump up the tube now to check for leaks (at least ten strokes of a standard bike pump). You will notice that the whole thing swells up except the piece you folded over at the outer end. You don't want this swelling to occur inside your sphincter if the pump is to be self-retaining (like a balloon nozzle). The sphincter is about 2-2.5" long all told. So from the valve stem towards the business end of the pump, approx. 2.25" must have a sleeve of extra layers of rubber.
Cut 4.5" from the rest of the inner tube, and get some talcum powder to use as lubricant. Cover the pump barrel with talc, and the inside of the 4.5" piece as well. Draw the extra piece over the business end of the pump and work it right up to the nozzle. This can be difficult, but you can use pliers provided you take care not to damage the inner tube. Once it is snug against the valve stem, cover the extra piece with talc again. Now take its trailing end and fold it over itself. Drag the folded end up to the valve stem so that the completed sleeve has the folded end remote from the valve stem, nice and smooth where it will be slipping into your anus!
now, about the working face of the piston, do this: -
Cut a washer from rubber sheet (a bit of the inner tube) that just fits into the barrel. If your piston is solid wood, then chisel four radial V-shaped slots into its face about 1/8" deep. With a self-tapping screw (preferably stainless steel) and a plain washer (ditto), secure the washer to the piston. If your piston is a hollow object like my spray paint dust cover, drill four holes in its face usfficiently far from the centre so that they will not be covered my the handle. As you withdraw the plunger, the washer will pull away from the piston freely, and will deform enough to break the seal between itself and the "turd." This will allow you to leave the barrel stuck up your bum while you shove a fresh "turd" into it and reinsert the plunger for another stroke.
I have a well stretched anus, and although the pump is almost 2 1/2" in diameter uninflated, I can pump it up to the point where it is self retaining. It is an incredible feeling!
Johnny
you we have to arrange that on withdrawal of the plunger, the