Cheating on wife

the OP has done the equivalent: gathered shit in paper bag, set the bag on fire and put it at the front door, knocked on the door and then ran away, counting on those who opened the door to stomp on the bag to put the fire out.

These may be real issues issues for the OP and this was just his way of expressing himself.

That may be true from a legal standpoint, but consider how many times a god is mentioned in a wedding ceremony that takes place in a church synagogue or mosque.

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Have you any idea of the number of marriages that do not take place in a place of religious worship?

In fact, in many EU countries, especially those whose legislation is based on the Code Napoleon, religious marriages have no legal standing whatsoever. They are not marriages in the eyes of the law unless they are preceded by a civil marriage ceremony. Priest or clergy performing a religious marriage ceremony before the civil marriage are in conflict with civil laws which may carry serious consequences.

Religious ceremonies are therefore nothing more than a personal social event. They have no legal standing whatsoever in the eyes of the law should it ever come to instituting legal proceedings by one of the spouses.

And in civil marriage vows - the only ones with any legal standing - no deity is mentioned. Depending on which country, the most important secular civil laws concerning marriage are summed up and the partners agree to abide by these laws. That is essentially what a civil marriage is. Deities do not enter into the matter.

"will to tell the truth to help you god." god is printed on our money, in god we trust is on the walls of government buildings and courts, this fictional character is everywhere in the legal system

This is not the case in many other countries. No God stuff printed on Euros, no God stuff in courts or government buildings and such ...

Regardless of the intent of the OP for starting this thread - the contributors have made for a very interesting discussion. Lots of different views on morality, fidelity (or lack thereof), legality, divorce, coping methods etc. This has been a good - mostly non-advesarial - discussion that has drawn a lot of comments and posts.

You are assuming just because someone doesn't post about it they have no idea of the circumstances. My sub has had health issues, which changed everything for us. Sex didn't stop but it definitely has had to be adapted so that both of us get some sexual and kinky satsifaction - together!

I won't post specific details because I respect my subs privacy too much. But until someone is actually experiencing similar circumstamces, they should be careful how the speak. All can be fine one day and totally changed in an instant!

@MissStress

No, I don't assume that at all. I stated precisely what I meant in the very first sentence that you quoted If you are a reader and non-poster, then you are not included in my comment. You have included a class of person to be included in my comment that were, in the plain language of my comment, not included. And yet, my comment is still relevant to non-posters in this thread. If you haven't experienced it, then you simply have an uninformed opinion, no different than having read it somewhere in a tweet. It would be like a person who has never ridden a bicycle describing the sensation of balance necessary to ride a bicycle to both riders and non-riders alike. It's no problem if they're not trying to tell people how they they think it will feel or what they would do. You might know what it looks like or have read,been told, or even have had discussions about bicycle riding. But until you've done it, you don't know.

What is amusing is that the second paragraph you wrote makes my point. Exactly my point. Those persons not writing and posting may have their experiences of a sexless marriage and may be living lives of quiet desperation, but they also aren't writing nonsense. So, that leaves me wondering if you think I'm not qualified to make the statement I did?

I have first hand experience on this and write (and critique) from the actual experiences. In my first marriage, our sex life went from full and robust (including incredible lovemaking Thursday night before going to the hospital on Saturday morning for delivery) to zero literally overnight after the birth of our son. In the ensuing 4+ years after our son's birth, the total of any sex was 16 times and it wasn't because I didn't want sex. I was totally unprepared for that.

What changed so radically that the sexual component of the marriage and of our whole relationship was suddenly sacrificed without any discussion? You can argue that averaging four times a year is not a marriage with no sex (and technically, you'd be correct in that there were long-stretches without sex that weren't measured in years). It did inform me as to what I might experience from long periods without sexual interactions as a result of a sudden change. As for cheating, it was my ex-wife who did that. And that also showed me how I'd react and handle it. I've written on all of this before, so I won't restate it here, again.

In my current marriage, I am and have been living the experience of a sexless marriage where my wife doesn't want sex under any circumstances. The simple explanation is that this sexless marriage arose out of her medical condition AND it is more complicated than that. So, I live a life that is very different than what I planned or hoped for. And that did not include decades of no sexual relations.

I think it is wonderful that you found a way to navigate through and continue with a sex life after all. As you noted, sex didn't stop for you. So, it is actually a situation where medical issues made it difficult but you haven't experienced years of no sexual interaction.

So, that leaves me wondering if you think I'm not qualified to make the statement I did?

If I misread and misunderstood what you were getting at Enema Runner I apologize to you for my mistake. Your experience, past and present, is an example of what one can go through.

There are some commenting on this that have wonderful sex lives so their experience and advise is not coming from a sexless or even sex deprived experience. To imagine it is not the same as living it. The actual effects of it are not even understood.

The original poster didn't provide a lot of back information or history. So we are left to assume, guess, and imply what happened. How are we to know if part of the problem is not originating from behavior or attitude of him?

Working with ones partner should be the first thing to do to reach a compromise before doing something as drastic as cheating.

Again I apologize for misunderstanding what you were saying.

@MissStress

Apology accepted 🌹

Ultimately, rightfully, this thread comes down to a question of morality. When I was younger there was so much of life that was black or white. I did not have time or patience for gray. You either were or weren't. I thought in terms of absolutes. If you're lucky, life will let you make it to old age and the last moment with all of your mores in tact and you can be laid to rest in peace.

That's what I thought when I was young.

Life doesn't give a shit about what my definition of right or wrong is, or was. I would be willing to bet that there may be only one or two people on this site who haven't had their asses handed to them by life. I'm not the first one to have this happen to, and I'm not going to be the last.

Age, experience, just living, has taught me that absolutes don't exist in the abundance I thought they once did. Truth is, they probably never did. It gets to a point where life takes away more than it gives you. That's called getting old. It's life. Life will go on whether I'm on this side of the grass sucking air or not. Life doesn't give a fuck whether you choose to live it or not. It's going to go on, regardless.

There are defining moments in all of our lives. I've had a few. Being a long way from home visiting the world of shit while life went on back home without me. Then the return. The birth of my child where I was blown away, and still am, by the wonder of it all. A dark night where little sparkles of light hurt like 10,000 mother fuckers and then nice soft darkness. That time in the doctor's office where a diagnosis of fucking diabetes made it official. I think it had been there for a long time, it's just that the diagnosis, hearing it out loud, made it official and something I had to deal with or try to deal with, no matter how it sucks.

That damn diabetes is one of the reasons I'm on this thread talking about cheating on wife. So I am here and I have to tell you that if my wife has cheated on me, I don't have any room for righteous indignation no matter who "started it" or "did it" first. Right now, I haven't confronted my wife about it. It isn't official. In the meantime I get perspective. My life and experience may be "mellowing me" or just plain tiring me out. Some people reading this may say that my not confronting her is cowardly or whatever. Fuck you. I don't have time to walk you through six plus decades of my life.

If you are cheating on your wife, then it's not my monkey and not my circus. However, a lot of these posts in this thread are a damn good read. Maybe in a few years, someone may find that their moral high ground was just a mole hill.

https://youtu.be/rGEIMCWob3U

Some of you old farts, of which I am one, may remember that song. I think it applies.

Cedar, you "get it" so right! I sure like the way your head works.

the boxcar

https://youtu.be/rGEIMCWob3U

Some of you old farts, of which I am one, may remember that song. I think it applies.

That's a great song. The Byrds also do an excellent performance of it.

All I can say about that performance is thank Odin that Bob Dylan sang only one verse.

His voice was lousy in the 1960s and was unlistenable after the 1970s.

That's a great song. The Byrds also do an excellent performance of it.

All I can say about that performance is thank Odin that Bob Dylan sang only one verse.

His voice was lousy in the 1960s and was unlistenable after the 1970s.

I was going to go with the Byrds. I saw that the one I posted, I almost passed on it because it had Bob Dylan on it. Then I saw the others and liked what they did with it.

I think Bob Dylan is still floating around somewhere in the 60's.

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One verse is all he could probably remember.

My wife has had cancer three times. The last time was, 2 years ago Lung Cancer, prior 6 years ago, Colon Cancer, the first one was in the middle nineties (breast) she chose to not have reconstructive surgery, once healed from the surgery, she was embarrassed to have me see her naked, she still had desires, but it became more and more difficult, I went along, then came colon cancer, (6 years ago) 6 surgeries, prolapsed colostomy, reversals and then debilitating pain from radiation,and scar tissue, 2 years ago lung cancer, I have been nurse caregiver bread winner shopper and on and on. I do not want to hurt her, I do love her (note she was an enthusiastic enema giver she got me started) but I am on the prowl for a woman that I can go to dinner with, share some activities with, and if lucky have an occasional intimate evening with. I do not think of it as cheating, she might, but I am active fun, like to dance and still enjoy the touch of another human body, (female). If I were to find someone it would be considered cheating, but I do not feel that I would be at fault, and I do not hold her responsible for our problem, we are both victim's of circumstance.

If your wife is well enough, and loves you enough than as Switchable said, she should be enamored to spread her legs just to keep you happy,and keep the marriage from crashing on the rocks. That's just my opinion.

Everyone's life, marriage, partnership is different. I said I couldn't cheat, didn't mean I haven't thought about it. When I was married my x had 5 back surgeries in seven years, I was care giver, housekeeper, bread winner, on and on. Seven years takes an incredible toll on a marriage. Sex was non existent for me, he would ask for a blowjob and I would do that for him, because when it worked it helped with pain relief. But part of you kinda dies year after year you no longer feel sexual or anything really but exhausted! No judgement from me. I understand. Everyone has to do what works for them.

Fate has a way of teaching you things you needed to know, even if you weren't aware the lesson was required until it had been served to you. Find what makes you happy, life on this ball of hell is way too short,

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@Wolfgirl66 I know what you mean. I've come to the point that I'm really sick of continuing to try to be nice to some women and be a gentleman and feeling like I'm not attractive to anyone. I won't let it make me bitter though.

I refuse to label all women as bad. I just want to have a chance to show someone some love.

Hey Folk! --take a moment and look over the various comments 'n replies. It's amazingly deep, thoughtful and the like. I find you people to be a hellava lot more than "enema fetishers"....I find people that still have a mind...that are capable of thought. Maybe its just our "sensitivity" that we bring to the table. I don't know, but its sump'in. I'm finding it rewardingly entertaining. Thanks.

the boxcar

Hey Folk! --take a moment and look over the various comments 'n replies. It's amazingly deep, thoughtful and the like. I find you people to be a hellava lot more than "enema fetishers"....I find people that still have a mind...that are capable of thought. Maybe its just our "sensitivity" that we bring to the table. I don't know, but its sump'in. I'm finding it rewardingly entertaining. Thanks.

the boxcar

Amen. 🌹

No one can answer that question for another. When I was young I thought I would never cheat. But my wife and I have vastly different sex drives and could never find a sexual middle ground. I love my wife but I needed more sex. I needed more variety. When I first cheated I felt horrible guilt. But now I don’t even think about it that way. It’s just sex. And especially now that we have no sex I never think I am doing anything wrong. I’d love to have all my needs met by one women but that wasn’t what happened for me.

No one can answer that question for another. When I was young I thought I would never cheat. But my wife and I have vastly different sex drives and could never find a sexual middle ground. I love my wife but I needed more sex. I needed more variety. When I first cheated I felt horrible guilt. But now I don’t even think about it that way. It’s just sex. And especially now that we have no sex I never think I am doing anything wrong. I’d love to have all my needs met by one women but that wasn’t what happened for me.

If you are going outside your marriage for sex because you aren't getting it at home, you aren't cheating whether or not your wife knows about it.

Extramarital sex AKA cheating, is NOT something you do TO your partner. Extramaritial sex is something you do for yourself.

It is unfortunate how uncompromising and bitter she is.

If you are going outside your marriage for sex because you aren't getting it at home, you aren't cheating whether or not your wife knows about it.

Extramarital sex AKA cheating, is NOT something you do TO your partner. Extramaritial sex is something you do for yourself.

The legal system would disagree with your opinion.

Oh I hear you on this one! I firmly believed I was living like a Nun! And my gynecologist said, if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it! Hear that Ladies?! Thank god for FWB! Seriously how can a guy not be interested in sex? It was Seven Years without it! SEVEN! I thought it was me, but then I found out why. He was still active with others and when he came home to me, he wasn’t interested. I never knew because we both traveled a lot for our jobs and Not together! I hope his new pregnant girlfriend will be happy when she finds out, he has three other children by four different women. Thank god I couldn’t have kids! My suggestion to you, FWB. Sorry if I over shared! It’s nice to be able to vent with people who get it!

If you are going outside your marriage for sex because you aren't getting it at home, you aren't cheating whether or not your wife knows about it.

Extramarital sex AKA cheating, is NOT something you do TO your partner. Extramaritial sex is something you do for yourself.

The legal system would disagree with your opinion.

I do not care, I am not geting involved with semantics, those antiquated adultery laws are not enforced in the 21st century and that's all I am going to say about that because you can always get a divorce.

I do not care, I am not geting involved with semantics, those antiquated adultery laws are not enforced in the 21st century and that's all I am going to say about that because you can always get a divorce.

You may not care, but those that might get caught should care. As they can lose alot in their divorce, in some states it's half of everything. That is substantial to some and needs to be considered if one is considering to cheat on their spouse.

When caught in that position most people will care then!

If you have children and they have emotional issues from the affair, the court can take more money away from the cheating spouse in some states. In a few states, the affair partner can be sued by spouse of the cheater.

Regarding this question:

What would you do if your other half lost their sex drive? I would love to talk to others going through the same thing.

The simple answer is why not talk to your spouse about the problem? But this gets to the underlying problem -- Communication, understanding, and real deep love of one another is missing in marriages where there are sexual problems... and this prevents a solution from being found.

I don't understand why some couples just don't sit down and have a heart to heart talk to discuss sexual issues and desires. When I was dating my husband, he sat down and said "I am not a mind reader so we have to have open communications to let each other what's going on our minds". I read people here complaining that their spouse won't give them an enema or rectal temperature. My question is why not? Why not indulge a spouse to keep the marriage happy and growing. Some say their spouse does not like it. I say so! I hate cleaning up vomit from my sick kids or husband but I do it out of love for them. Vomit is there worst thing that I hate!

You may not care, but those that might get caught should care. As they can lose alot in their divorce, in some states it's half of everything. That is substantial to some and needs to be considered if one is considering to cheat on their spouse.

When caught in that position most people will care then!

Getting caught is probably a big deal when you are in politics or making a career out of religion. Many are those who have had to eat humble pie and then leave the lucrative position they held before getting caught. Especially when they compound their adultery with hypocrisy they supposedly hold on moral matters ...

I don't understand why some couples just don't sit down and have a heart to heart talk to discuss sexual issues and desires. !

Don't ask, don't tell, was official military policy for quite some time about certain sexual matters. I'm certain that it is practiced in many marriages as well.

Because there are people who simply don't wish to hold such kind of discussions. Often a heart-to-heart talk may make things worse. Remember that once something is said, it cannot be unsaid. Caution may be the way to go on many issues. Also consider that such kind of talks may ultimately end up becoming a sort of ultimatum in a minor key. You've thrown up your emotional earthworks in a manner of speaking and now you have to defend your position or end up conceding or making promises you can't really keep in the long run.

And in a heart-to-heart talk, one side will always dominate the other, one person is always a better talker, more persuasive or (instinctively) seems to know how to get on top of things.

It's all good and well the open-hearted discussion thing in business or maybe even in politics, but in a marriage there is often more at stake.

Well, of course there is a lot at stake! No, it doesn't have to be one sided. When my husband and I have to discuss something serious, we write it down and exchange notes. I am not a talker but my husband is so I do understand how conversations can be one sided. I prefer to write. A long term relationship is an important issue. It is not like deciding what car to buy. If the heart to heart leads to the end of the relationship then so be it. It was probably going to end sooner or later. I cannot see why one would want to avoid issues and live in an unhappy relationship. You are only given one life and when it is over it is over so why not be happy and enjoy life. It is only an ultimatum if both parties are so hard headed that they are not willing to negotiate. If they are not willing to have a heart to heart discussion then don't complain your spouse won't do this or your marriage is sexless.

. If the heart to heart leads to the end of the relationship then so be it. It was probably going to end sooner or later..

I know couples where a split-up would involve very serious financial problems for both. And I do not mean a financial upset, but something that would be permanent given their age and lack of alternative earning prospects (virtually none).

And while I don't know their exact sexual status of course, let's say I do not assume it to be good given other indicators. Life isn't always about sexual fulfillment. For many people, there are other priorities.

Then if it is about money being a priority don't come here and complain your marriage is sexless or your spouse won't indulge you fantasies. You chose money over sex or your fantasies. I understand especially in older couples the financial issues can be a problem. But this problem of sexless marriage or lack of desire involvement started long time ago due to the lack of communication. Maybe too much time was spent on the physical of the relationship in the beginning of the relationship and not enough time spent getting to know that person find out who they really are. Maybe she was this hot girl or he was the good looking guy and that was the main focus in the beginning in the relationship. Rather learning if they are just "me" a person. Remember, I am talking about a relationship with both spouses being healthy. I understand if one spouse becomes serious ill or incapacitated this becomes a problem for sex. Yes, some people love their financial lifestyle so they chose to stay together so they chose money over sex or their desires. My point to all this is communication is important especially in the beginning of relationship. Before my husband, I would jump into a relationship without getting to know them well. I got swept up by the the physical. When I met my husband, there was this huge magnetic attraction but he said wait let's spend the first few months getting to talking and really get to know each other. It was hard but we did it. We were talking about it the other day when first met each other that we wanted to rip each other's clothes off.

I don't understand why some couples just don't sit down and have a heart to heart talk to discuss sexual issues and desires.

Been there, done that. My wife and I have had a number of really serious discussions (prompted by me of course, not her). She'll agree that there is a problem, promise to "work on it", make an effort for a couple of weeks, then conveniently forget about everything. Way, way more than frustrating for me.