Cheating on wife

I have been in the situation where my libido was affected by chronic pain, and it is real. I remember periods of time when I would go to bed and be thinking "please don't want sex... please don't want sex" as my wife was getting ready. If she did I was usually able to get things going long enough to get her satisfied though, but have to confess to faking orgasm more than once.

It is DAMN frustrating though, and I know that as the one who wants the sex too!

The OP (@baby_travis) said:

My wife lost her sex drive 2 years ago due to surgery and we haven't had sex since. I'm thinking of cheating on her, not to be a cheater, but I'm human. I need sex.

He did NOT say she has chronic pain, residual illness or anything else that would prevent her from having sex with her husband.

I am taking this at face value and not reading into what he said or did not say.

@moliere, you have made such a perfect example. Thank you.

As you so pointed out, as well as @gwhap did, there are instances where it is a medical issue. The key point here though is that you still made an attempt to meet her needs. Gwhap and his spouse have found other ways to remain intimate.

As I clearly stated(maybe not clear enough for some) its that want and desire to fulfill your partners needs.

There is a huge difference in CHOOSING to ignore your partners needs and in “ taking one for the team”. I chose the “taking one for the team” very carefully here, as a relationship is a team effort.

If there are medical issues, and even the feeling of being undesirable(I have experienced both all too well) it is up to you yourself to discuss these issues with your mate and for them to at least try to understand and make an effort to both work on them.

Like I stated previously its when one CHOOSES to withhold, thats when the relationship starts to die.

@SwitchableSusie, thanks for pointing that out.

I actually thought this was a good topic and some insightful posts could come from it, addressing several factors.

This remind me of the 50's. Where the man was king of his house and the wife did as he asked because one must keep the man happy and satisfied. No matter what!

This remind me of the 50's. Where the man was king of his house and the wife did as he asked because one must keep the man happy and satisfied. No matter what!

This isn't a one way street. There are plenty of females that come here as well because their needs aren't being met at home. If yours are, congratulations. It is cheating, you will either do it and deal with the consequences or not. It happens.

The tall tales of ALL men being "king of the house or castle or whatever" is pure BS, @MissStress, cooked up by so called "feminists". As usual that myth is a totally unfair generalization. The reality is things then were not that much different than now. Some households are dominated by men and others are dominated by women. Then today, there are those that are dominated by the children.

It's complicated but not complicated.

I have diabetes and it seems that it went for my eyes first. I'm not getting any younger and so I just thought it was age. Then I started having some problems with keeping it up. I also started to get pissed off fairly easily and I just thought it was because all of the drivers in the world that were in front of me just didn't know how to drive. I am sure I wasn't the best guy to be around, but I am also married to an "it's-all-about-me" woman. She has a lot of good qualities that outweigh her being a bitch and it isn't all on her.

The first time I had a total "failure to perform" incident was a while after I was officially diagnosed with diabetes. The official diagnosis didn't help in making me feel "better" about the FTP problem because our not knowing had caused my wife to think that I didn't find her attractive, wasn't interested in sex, and it was all about her. Never once did she stop to think that my tired ass had diabetes and that it was a medical problem and had nothing to do with her attractiveness. Although, her attractiveness was diminishing on the emotional level because she, and I, hadn't handled the effects of my diabetes well at all. Some of that shit is on me, but her personality is all about her. I got tired of trying to explain.

So, on my own, I tried to find out ways to combat this fucking, or non-fucking, diabetes. It was a mixed bag at best and literally hit-or-miss. As I was doing this, I tried to introduce some good old oral, or fingering, but she always said, "... it's not the real thing ..." or that she didn't like it. Well, okayyyyy. I also bought her a dildo vibrator so that I could at least get her going and if my dick was able to get hard, then make a brief or however long I lasted, appearance and make my contribution to the fuck we would be having. She didn't want that either. Again and again, she went to that bullshit that boiled down to her attitude of, "... it's all about me." I sometimes think she is bi-polar or narcissistic. I know I am some of the problem because I didn't know how to deal with this damn diabetes when it snuck up on me and bit me on the ass.

I quit trying, essentially, because early on in our marriage I had sleep apnea. That I recognized early on after she basically had a bitch-fit every time we went to sleep. She finally was such a bitch that I started, and still do, sleep in another bedroom. This was early on in the marriage. Then I got a CPAP and thought that would get us back together in the same bed. Nope. Too loud. What-the-fuck ever.

Still I tried to look for solutions. They didn't work and she wasn't interested in trying. She had pretty much given up, too, and I CANNOT blame her for all of this. Not at all. Her tendency to be a bitch about other things just wasn't helping. I got tired of trying. There is so much that is good about her and she is mostly good in so many other ways. It's just that the sex thing and her not wanting to use toys, or other ways, and her thinking it is me not finding her attractive and her wanting to be a victim or something, wore me out.

As I have said, she is sure not all to blame in this.

Any approach to her, on my part, just saw her throw up a wall or just lay there because she didn't want to get aroused and not be satisfied. She claims she does not masturbate. Really?

Then, I began to suspect that she was having an affair with a friend of hers. I never had the solid evidence, I just had that feeling. Texting, hiding the texts, taking every opportunity to head out towards his direction. I believe she had an affair with this guy who was also having problems with his wife not wanting sex with him.

Why not divorce her? Because I'm too fucking old to start all over and the financial thing. It comes down to money. I'm not proud of that. Nope. There is still the fact that, aside from the sex issue, I love her. Neither one of us thinks a therapist is worth a fuck. I understand, that if she did have an affair, it probably had a lot to do with my not being able to give her the sex she wanted. So, I owned that part of the equation. I also own the part of the equation about not being able to communicate with her about what I would like to try. I have. She is the definition of vanilla. Yet, she would initiate sex, but it was always pretty traditional.

All that was in place long before I met and became involved with Lora. Lora was and is my friend first and foremost. The thing is, that with Lora, I felt welcome. It isn't all about her. We can actually fuck.

My wife cheated on me for a reason that I can't say I didn't cause. Either by my getting older and having diabetes and not catching it in time. I also did not do a good job trying to mitigate the damage. I did try to communicate. So did she. I haven't given up. It's just with my wife and all the history that led up to it, I am having to figure out whether or where the two of us are with sex with each other.

The question for me, that only I can really answer for myself is, am I ready to get back into re-connecting with my wife on a sexual level and would she make me feel "welcome" to bring up that subject again. I own at least half of this problem.

It's just what it is between my wife and myself.

The one thing that I have learned is that, as I've seen in this thread and others, I don't have any room to pass judgement on anyone that cheats on a spouse. It happens for whatever reason.

Communication is great. It takes two. Other than communication taking two people, timing also comes into play and all the little nuances that make timing so critical can only be known by the two that need to communicate

I didn't post this to get approval or disapproval. I am past giving a fuck about that.

@Cedar, as usual you continue to show what a wise, no bull shit man you truly are.

I can not begin to express in words what your wisdom or friendship means to me as well as this site.

This is all that is needed....??

If a partner is unable or uninterested in having sex it's time to talk. Not walk... cheating shows no respect for your partner or yourself. Some people do stay in a sexless marriage for many reasons, love, money, children . Every relationship is based on what you'll put up with, and that's very different for everyone, we shouldnt judge anyone.

Personally I couldn't cheat, in a relationship I give a hundred percent, and expect that in return. If we can't work it out then it's time to end it. Also I've been cheated on and those heart scars don't fade quickly.

Relationships take work, lots of work. But isn't it worth it? Especially if you claim to love someone?

?

@Cedar said, 'Communication is great. It takes two. Other than communication taking two people, timing also comes into play and all the little nuances that make timing so critical can only be known by the two that need to communicate'

and

@Wolfgirl66 said, 'If a partner is unable or uninterested in having sex it's time to talk. Not walk... cheating shows no respect for your partner or yourself. Some people do stay in a sexless marriage for many reasons, love, money, children . Every relationship is based on what you'll put up with, and that's very different for everyone, we shouldnt judge anyone.

Personally I couldn't cheat, in a relationship I give a hundred percent, and expect that in return. If we can't work it out then it's time to end it. Also I've been cheated on and those heart scars don't fade quickly.

Relationships take work, lots of work. But isn't it worth it? Especially if you claim to love someone?'

?

Both are right and in one case one was ready to end the relationship for good reasons. However in the other case that person hasn't made that decision yet, may not make that decision, and it is what works for each for their own circumstances. Finding out what works isn't that easy for everyone.

@Wolfgirl66 said

If a partner is unable or uninterested in having sex it's time to talk. Not walk... cheating shows no respect for your partner or yourself.

An uninterested partner turning the other into nothing more than a housemate and simply imposing this arrangement doesn't show much respect either. It's no good only one person making an effort without it being matched by the other. It needs to be give and take, not take and otherwise abandon.

Dr,Z

I agree, it's not something I would agree to in a relationship, but I'm not judging someone for how they work out there issues. People stay together all the time because it's cheaper than divorce, or any number of reasons. Have friends that have been divorced for many years and are now living together again due to job loss and illness, what ever work for BOTH parties ,not just one.

I have yet to see marriage vows that say they must have sex, so no, the person not wanting sex is not breaking their vows.

Seeing how marriage vows have come into the discussion, I wanted to make sure I could provide some legit examples and not just my personal opinion.

*As far as the bible is concerned(if you want to go there) I will give the verse instead of the long paragraph, you can look it up for yourself, if you wish. Its found in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5. The short of it, “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs and the wife should fulfill her husbands needs.

*On the legal side, “ A sexless marriage can be grounds for an at fault divorce under the charge of “ constructive abandonment”...A willful failure to fulfill those obligations can be considered constructive abandonment; the spouse is considered to have emotionally withdrawn from the marriage.”

*And...the vow “ To have and to hold”, Simply put, this is the vow talking about your physical connection and intimacy with each other. You belong to one another.

Now my opinion, vows or no vows, if one s/o purposely and selfishly ( key words here, folks) withholds any form of intimacy then they should expect the other to seek it elsewhere.

Seeing how marriage vows have come into the discussion, I wanted to make sure I could provide some legit examples and not just my personal opinion.

*As far as the bible is concerned(if you want to go there) I will give the verse instead of the long paragraph, you can look it up for yourself, if you wish. Its found in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5. The short of it, “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs and the wife should fulfill her husbands needs.

*On the legal side, “ A sexless marriage can be grounds for an at fault divorce under the charge of “ constructive abandonment”...A willful failure to fulfill those obligations can be considered constructive abandonment; the spouse is considered to have emotionally withdrawn from the marriage.”

*And...the vow “ To have and to hold”, Simply put, this is the vow talking about your physical connection and intimacy with each other. You belong to one another.

Now my opinion, vows or no vows, if one s/o purposely and selfishly ( key words here, folks) withholds any form of intimacy then they should expect the other to seek it elsewhere.

I know the Old Testament says essentially the same thing.

Thank you for also posting the legalities -- constructive abandonment.

WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX.

Bridgette said,

Now my opinion, vows or no vows, if one s/o purposely and selfishly ( key words here, folks) withholds any form of intimacy then they should expect the other to seek it elsewhere.

I would add the word "ACCEPT". "... then they should expect, and accept, the other to seek it elsewhere. Although I have not withheld sex from my wife, purposely, and because of this damn diabetes, I really can't be totally pissed off at what I think my wife did if she had an affair. Communication is a two way street, and we aren't there. Me being hopeful, I should say, "... we aren't there, YET!" I'm not going to rule that out. It's the timing. It's also personalities.

I know the Old Testament says essentially the same thing.

Thank you for also posting the legalities -- constructive abandonment.

WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX.

And if you can't give it, for whatever reason, that doesn't mean sex isn't part of a marriage.

@Cedar writes, "Bridgette said, I would add the word "ACCEPT". "... then they should expect, and accept, the other to seek it elsewhere. Although I have not withheld sex from my wife, purposely, and because of this damn diabetes, I really can't be totally pissed off at what I think my wife did if she had an affair. Communication is a two way street, and we aren't there. Me being hopeful, I should say, "... we aren't there, YET!" I'm not going to rule that out. It's the timing. It's also personalities."

and,

"And if you can't give it, for whatever reason, that doesn't mean sex isn't part of a marriage."

But @Cedar you are fucking @Lora_C and seem to be able to do ok with her. How does that work? She credits you with her being able to help her find what she wanted with her husband and how to communicate. Why can't you do the same?

I'm so not trying to disrespect you because I love what you and @Lora_C have, but I am curious.

?

I wish they'd get over their Victorian prudery and go ahead and put sex in the vows.

Cedar - while you may have problems with some sorts of sex, I'm sure that you make sure that you do what you can, including using your hands and tongue and whatever else. That's the difference, compared to "oh, I don't think I am interested any more therefore I expect you to give it up and become a celibate monk"

I wish they'd get over their Victorian prudery and go ahead and put sex in the vows.

Cedar - while you may have problems with some sorts of sex, I'm sure that you make sure that you do what you can, including using your hands and tongue and whatever else. That's the difference, compared to "oh, I don't think I am interested any more therefore I expect you to give it up and become a celibate monk"

I kind of think they did put sex in the vows, moliere. I think it was Bridgette who said something about, "... to have and to hold ..." I think that was some preacher-speak lingo back in the old days that gave them permission to get it on. It's just the way they said it so that it sounded more respectable. Imagine if they said, "... to have and to fuck ..." or at the end of the ceremony, "You may now fuck the bride."

But @Cedar you are fucking @Lora_C and seem to be able to do ok with her. How does that work? She credits you with her being able to help her find what she wanted with her husband and how to communicate. Why can't you do the same?

When it comes to communication, I'm not even in Lora's class. She can tell you to go to hell and you would look forward to the trip. She also is in tune with the one she is with and she isn't totally all up inside of herself. She cares, listens, and knows what to do and HOW to do do what she wants or needs to do. I am not even close to her level.

When she and I fuck, I don't always hit a home run. Sometimes I can only manage a bunt. The thing is, is that she makes sure I'm at home plate when she scores.

She's a totally different personality than my wife. My problem isn't just with diabetes, it's the communication. It's fucking nuts.

@Cedar erroneously says, " When it comes to communication, I'm not even in Lora's class. She can tell you to go to hell and you would look forward to the trip. She also is in tune with the one she is with and she isn't totally all up inside of herself. She cares, listens, and knows what to do and HOW to do do what she wants or needs to do. I am not even close to her level. "

Bull shit. ? You seem to be doing a damn good job communicating here, so why can't you do that at home? Again ? I'm asking with respect because your writing has helped me with figuring out about some things with my own husband. My main take on men is that they can be pretty dense if you ask them to talk about it. ?

I do have to admit that it is usually me who starts the conversation and I practically have to corner him to get him to open up about things. ? Why don't you write her or invite her here like you did with @Lora_C?

.

Never mind that last paragraph. ?

Dahiana, I am saying this with respect, "You're a pain in the ass!" 😉 😁

Believe it or not, my writing about this makes me see that, when it all boils down, I don't have a whole lot of high ground here. When I was first diagnosed with diabetes at the doctor's office, my first thought or words were, "Mother fucker!"

I may do some more writing, but not here, so I can figure out my own wants and needs, frame it in my mind, and look for the right time. That's on my ass.

I don't have a lot more I can contribute to this thread without repeating myself.

I'll just read from now on, thank you.

Dahiana, I am saying this with respect, "You're a pain in the ass!" 😉 😁

Like I've never heard that before. ? ?

I know the Old Testament says essentially the same thing.

Seriously people, marriage is a civil institution and is not based on religious texts.

Some couples like to give it another extra dimension, but that is entirely optional. It does not matter one iota what any religious text says.

Seriously people, marriage is a civil institution and is not based on religious texts.

Some couples like to give it another extra dimension, but that is entirely optional. It does not matter one iota what any religious text says.

That may be true from a legal standpoint, but consider how many times a god is mentioned in a wedding ceremony that takes place in a church synagogue or mosque.

=========

One more thing, gods are ever present in law and legalities. When you are sworn in as a witness, there is all the legal mumbo jumbo with you hand on the bible and the court officer ends with something like, "will to tell the truth to help you god." god is printed on our money, in god we trust is on the walls of government buildings and courts. This fictional character is everywhere in the legal system INCLUDING THE CONSTITUTION WHICH PROFESSES TO SEPARATE CHURCH AND STATE --- WHICH IT OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT DO.

*On the legal side, “ A sexless marriage can be grounds for an at fault divorce under the charge of “ constructive abandonment”...A willful failure to fulfill those obligations can be considered constructive abandonment; the spouse is considered to have emotionally withdrawn from the marriage.”

I found this little added bit to go with the claim of "constructive abandonment".

https://www.divorcesupport.com/divorce/What-is-constructive-desertion--3239.html

In sexual desertion, which is considered a fault ground, the party charging it must prove abandonment, generally for one year, during which the spouses may share the same roof (but presumably not the same bed).

The original poster doesn't say whether they do or do not share the same bed. Just that

My wife lost her sex drive 2 years ago due to surgery and we haven't had sex since.

If they are sleeping together it may not be grounds. But if not then he, or anyone wanting out of their marriage, can go to court and air their nonexistant sex life. Then they can go have sex with whom ever will have them.

Given that some of the discussion, the OP has done the equivalent: gathered shit in paper bag, set the bag on fire and put it at the front door, knocked on the door and then ran away, counting on those who opened the door to stomp on the bag to put the fire out. In addition, the OP provides few details upon which to assess the situation.

Seriously, there are only two other posters in this thread for whom this is NOT a theoretical or hypothetical exercise (as is evidenced by what they have written). They are @Cedar and @gwhap. Both have given some insight of what they have experienced, what the circumstances have been (from their perspective), their considerations, and how that has played out thus far. For the rest, it's a matter of judgement, what you think you'd do or what you'd recommend as your advice. Here, I would point out the following: until you actually experience the situation (in this case, a sexless marriage), you don't really know what you'd do. Oh, you might have an idea or a roadmap that you think you'd follow. Life has a way of changing the map in the moment when it (figuratively) slaps you upside the head.

The OP said his wife stopped having sex with him two years ago. Two years is longer than one year, so that IS constructive abandonment.

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If they are sleeping together it may not be grounds. But if not then he, or anyone wanting out of their marriage, can go to court and air their nonexistant sex life.

Sleeping in the same bed --even if you sleep naked-- has nothing to do with constructive abandonment. It has to do with not having sex and that IS an acceptable reason to get a divorce.

I wish they'd get over their Victorian prudery and go ahead and put sex in the vows.

You can put whatever you want in your vows as long as the officicant agrees.

Here, I would point out the following: until you actually experience the situation (in this case, a sexless marriage), you don't really know what you'd do.

Don't presume to know what anyone here has or has not gone through.

The OP said his wife stopped having sex with him two years ago. Two years is longer than one year, so that IS constructive abandonment.

The OP also said:

Relationship status: Friend With Benefits

Sleeping in the same bed has nothing to do with constructive abandonment. It has to do with not having sex and that IS an acceptable reason to get a divorce.

How would anyone prove they didn't have sex for a year?

Seriously, there are only two other posters in this thread for whom this is NOT a theoretical or hypothetical exercise (as is evidenced by what they have written). They are @Cedar and @gwhap. Both have given some insight of what they have experienced, what the circumstances have been (from their perspective), their considerations, and how that has played out thus far. For the rest, it's a matter of judgement, what you think you'd do or what you'd recommend as your advice. Here, I would point out the following: until you actually experience the situation (in this case, a sexless marriage), you don't really know what you'd do. Oh, you might have an idea or a roadmap that you think you'd follow. Life has a way of changing the map in the moment when it (figuratively) slaps you upside the head.

You are assuming just because someone doesn't post about it they have no idea of the circumstances. My sub has had health issues, which changed everything for us. Sex didn't stop but it definitely has had to be adapted so that both of us get some sexual and kinky satsifaction - together!

I won't post specific details because I respect my subs privacy too much. But until someone is actually experiencing similar circumstamces, they should be careful how the speak. All can be fine one day and totally changed in an instant!