Cheating on wife

My wife lost her sex drive 2 years ago due to surgery and we haven't had sex since. I'm thinking of cheating on her, not to be a cheater, but I'm human. I need sex.

Does this make me a creep? What would you do if your other half lost their sex drive? I would love to talk to others going through the same thing.

Sex is a very important aspect in most relationships but read your words and think. Cheating on her not to be a cheater.... if you do you are cheater and there is no way of dressing it up or excuse changes that.

Have you both tried professional help with it?

It's personal. No one here can give advice right for you, but my opinion if your cheating it's cheating. Excuses are worthless.

Be careful who you go to. There is a school of thought that sex is not necessary therefore not important and if one party doesn't really want to the other party should gracefully give up to show the other spouse how much you love them.

Be careful who you go to. There is a school of thought that sex is not necessary therefore not important and if one party doesn't really want to the other party should gracefully give up to show the other spouse how much you love them.

That is absolute bullshit.

Just because one party no longer wants to have sex, that is no reason for the other party to suffer or give up sex.

Even if she doesn't want to have sex, why won't she just do it for you as a favor to show she loves and understands you? It's not like you would be raping her or that she would be having sex with a stranger. It's exactly like my husband going to the food store for me if I need something and don't feel like going myself. He doesn't jump up and down saying oh boy, I'm going to the food store, he goes as a favor to me. Your wife could and should be a sport, take her pants off, spread her legs and do it for you as a favor to show she loves you---and that takes less time and effort than going to the food store for me. Besides, SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY LIKE IT.

Cheating is NOT something you do TO someone, cheating is something you DO FOR YOURSELF. The other person is not even involved. This is a no-brainer.

If the person who does not want sex loves you, THEY should understand that.

PERIOD.

This topic is similar to the "Cheating on Your Spouse" thread that started in* Jan 2018:

https://en.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;topic=104295

I agree - cheating is cheating. Have you talked to your wife about your need? If she agrees to an open marriage - that's not cheating.

. . . .

I agree - cheating is cheating. Have you talked to your wife about your need? If she agrees to an open marriage - that's not cheating.

Cheating is NOT cheating. Open marriage or not.

If one partner is sexually available and the other goes elsewhere for sex, there may be personality issues between the partners or other problems between the two. That could result in cheating.

That is not the same as one partner denying sex to the other, forcing the shunned partner who is desirous of sex getting it elsewhere.

First thing is that you need to have a discussion with your wife about it.

As Susie said

If one partner is sexually available and the other goes elsewhere for sex, there may be personality issues between the partners or other problems between the two.

You need to express yourself that you have your needs. If she is not aroused anymore she can still do you a favour. I see that she might not agree with open marriage because she might feel replaced or whatever other reason.

You only live once. You are supposed to enjoy life and not give up sex or whatever that makes you happy just because someone else does not enjoy it.

You just need to have deep conversation about it and see where you are.

Cheating is NOT cheating. Open marriage or not.

If one partner is sexually available and the other goes elsewhere for sex, there may be personality issues between the partners or other problems between the two. That could result in cheating.

That is not the same as one partner denying sex to the other and the shunned partner desirous of sex getting it elsewhere.

Susie - I don't agree that there are cases where "cheating isn't cheating". It's the same act (having sex with someone other than your spouse behind their back) whatever the reason - albeit one reason may be more "justifiable" or "understandable" - to me (not you!) it's still cheating! I agree to disagree! 😄

Not to 2nd guess as do not know you but if you can not talk to her about this and feeling / desire for intimacy and sex with her then maybe other issues with your relationship.

BTW what surgery did she have

If you go outside your marriage, you are committing adultery and breaking one of your marriage vows (unless you did not take a vow of fidelity, but it's still adultery). If she is okay with you going elsewhere to get your rocks off, then by all means, do it if you want to. But be decent and don't take any diseases home. If she's not okay with it and she's not willing to even try and solve her issue with sex, then you have two moral choices - stay and wank when you need to or leave. Don't sneak around behind her back.

@ethan256625 said

. . . . talk to her about this and feeling / desire for intimacy and sex . . . .

The initial poster did not say anything about love, feelings or intimacy.

The original poster said he wants sex---and he should get it. Should he leave (get a divorce)? That might not be an easy cure, but if he does, his wife should get ZERO, ZIP, NADA in the divorce agreement unless she was a breadwinner in the marriage. THE PROBLEM IS COMPLETELY THE FAULT OF THE WIFE and she should be penalized if the man has to leave the relationship.

his wife should get ZERO, ZIP, NADA in the divorce agreement unless she was a breadwinner in the marriage.

unfortunately, this is not how it works in a lot of places.

Does this make me a creep? What would you do if your other half lost their sex drive? I would love to talk to others going through the same thing.

You're only a creep if you think you're a creep. There is another thread on "Sexless Marriages" - posts 1-35 are pretty good discussions, then the thread sort of drifted off into a discussion about tattle telling.....maybe you can get some insight there as well.

https://en.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=search

unfortunately, this is not how it works in a lot of places.

I know, but it should be.

My daughters know not to be married in CA, AZ, LA, WI or other community property states.

That is absolute bullshit.

That's my point and why he should check out anybody he's considering going to for counseling. That mindset is out there, and it doesn't help the relationship if either the low-desire partner thinks "if the other person loves me they can and will turn it off" or if the high-desire partner thinks that they're somehow not loving their partner enough because they're not joyously embracing the celibate life as an expression of their undying love... or whatever. If you're not careful you might also get someone who tells you it is a great opportunity to pursue spiritual enlightenment or some other thing. I wish they'd just come out and say in the vows that you're agreeing to make a damn good effort to meet your spouse's sexual "needs" (needs in quotes because while you won't die from a lack of sex it will make things difficult).

That's my point and why he should check out anybody he's considering going to for counseling. That mindset is out there, and it doesn't help the relationship if either the low-desire partner thinks "if the other person loves me they can and will turn it off" or if the high-desire partner thinks that they're somehow not loving their partner enough because they're not joyously embracing the celibate life as an expression of their undying love... or whatever. If you're not careful you might also get someone who tells you it is a great opportunity to pursue spiritual enlightenment or some other thing. I wish they'd just come out and say in the vows that you're agreeing to make a damn good effort to meet your spouse's sexual "needs" (needs in quotes because while you won't die from a lack of sex it will make things difficult).

. . . . and that is why counseling is a joke and does NOT work. In this case the "non-desirer" does not want sex and does not want to compromise.

The man who wants sex has already compromised for two years.

Marriage counseling is a joke and the shrinks to lure people in to take their money are just frauds.

We know a PhD INDUSTRIAL psychologist (that is an actual branch of psychology and he is a real straight shooter and stand-up guy) who has told people marriage counseling does not work. His solution (I have mentioned this before) is to sit at the kitchen table with a pen, pad and a list of criticisms to discuss. This discussion can be done over a period of time. See how you both feel about things, what you can agree on, compromise with or vehemently disagree with. Tally it all up when you are done and decide to get a divorce or stay together.

You need to express yourself that you have your needs. If she is not aroused anymore she can still do you a favour. I see that she might not agree with open marriage because she might feel replaced or whatever other reason.

The sexually DISinterested person SHOULD feel replaced if her man has to go elsewhere for sex because it isn't offered at home--because she IS being replaced. It serves her right.

She needs to get with the program.

I'm in almost the exact situation. My wife has lost all interest in sex or any kind of intimacy. I've tried to be patient with her, and even suggested that she seek medical help if there's a physical issue (lack of lubrication, hormone issues). But in the end, nothing improves. I've struggled with what to do about it and have considered going elsewhere. I've periodically done a few things that some might consider cheating, but haven't made the leap to a more permanent solution (yet).

Out of all of the comments here so far, this one really rings true with my feelings:

If she is not aroused anymore she can still do you a favour. You only live once. You are supposed to enjoy life and not give up sex or whatever that makes you happy just because someone else does not enjoy it. You just need to have deep conversation about it and see where you are.

I'd like to think that she could just suck it up (pun intended) and take care of my needs even if she has no interest in sex. But so far that isn't the case.

The OP joined a couple of days ago and made a couple of posts and hasn't 't been back yet. His profile reads like an advertisement to find sex partners (including contact info). I don't think he is really concerned about "cheating" - he says he's a "nimpho" (sp) and just wants to have sex and hopefully to find partners through this or other sites. I don't think it's not a question of "if it's ok" - he just wants to make a connection.

The OP joined a couple of days ago and made a couple of posts and hasn't 't been back yet. ...

Actually, at the time of writing he joined and was last online 23 hours ago. I don't think that is long enough for there yet to be any indication he won't be coming back.

Actually, at the time of writing he joined 23 hours ago. I don't think that is long enough for there yet to be any indication he won't be coming back.

Thank you DrZ I was just going to point that out.

If a member feels another member is not what and/or who they appear it is best to let a moderator know or report them. Instead of posting about them on the forum. Include why you feel they are possibly a "problem". With everyone's help Zity.biz can be a safe place for all.

His Relationship Status says "Friends With Benefits", yet in the OP he says he's married. Something is not adding up.

His Relationship Status says "Friends With Benefits", yet in the OP he says he's married. Something is not adding up.

It does seem inconsistent. I'll write to him and advise accordingly.

- he just wants to make a connection.

I think "hook-up" is a more accurate description in current vernacular...

If I may be so bold.. MAN UP .. why did she lose her sex drive, surgery is vague. Even if she did your obilgation is to her. Don't pussy out. Communicate and work it out. I suspect you are looking for a "excuse". She's a wonderful lady, you owe it to her to talk it out. The sex will return.. IMHO

SwitchableSusie ...

I have to say normally you provide amazingly great advice.. In this case you are wrong.. we don't know why she lost interest.. Did she have her breasts hacked off from cancer.. so she doesn't feel sexy .hysterectomy makes her feel like less of a women.. Divorce options.. BS.. been there myself .. being devoted to the other is best.. UNLESS the OTHER gives up... .. IMHO..

My basic advice was this, and I stand by it.

Even if she doesn't want to have sex, she should do it for her husband as a favor to show she loves and understands him.

It's exactly like my husband going to the food store for me if I need something and don't feel like going myself. He doesn't go to the store for me because he really wants to, he goes as a favor to me and it makes me happy.

His wife could and should be a sport, take her pants off, spread her legs and do it for him as a favor to show she loves him. She might even have a good time. 😁

It is really a very easy favor to perform. It costs her nothing and doing it would make her husband happy.

Even if she had surgery, doing it for her husband also has the added benefit of showing HER that her husband still finds her attractive.

Even if she doesn't want to have sex, she should do it for her husband as a favor to show she loves and understands him.

Even if she had surgery, doing it for her husband also has the added benefit of showing HER that her husband still finds her attractive.

Susie is right on!! Bottom line up front: if you have a strong relationship you will work around physical issues an satisfy each other! Due to some serious medical issues 15 years ago my wife finds both vaginal and anal sex painful and and impossible. We’ve found other ways for her to enjoy sex with me (rather to me) and she gets a lot of pleasure knowing she can still “connect” and please me that way (3-4 times a week). I feel bad that I can’t sexually pleasure her anymore .... but connect through other means.

@gwhap, you said it perfectly!

I often fail to understand why one partner stops being intimate. For me intimacy is such an important part of any relationship. Its a connection, a bond.

I can not imagine not wanting to see my partner happy in every way.

When one partner loses that desire to want to connect or be supportive, whether it be sexual, physical, mental or emotional, thats when the relationship starts to die and many seek out those needs elsewhere.

I have to add here that ending the relationship is not always an option or even a want.

Also, as far as breaking vows is concerned, consider the partner that stopped being there, in whatever way, by their choice(not because of inability) broke them first.

Until you are in that kind of situation you will not understand the frustration of your sex life changing because of any medical/mental issue. To blame one over the other is easy until you know all the facts of possible whys in the situation.