I am indeed a very lucky woman in that I have a wonderful husband that I adore and who is sharing in our sexploration with each other. He was the first man that I fell in love with and I can't imagine life without him and this ache I have for the feel of him never goes away. Our jobs, careers, that provide so much for us and which allow us to be ourselves are a blessing and a curse. I've been told and rightly so, that I am lucky and this is true and that I have a circle of friends that are there for each other. And this is true but also there is this distance between those I enjoy and have enjoyed not only in miles but because of circumstances. Then there are those who are no longer part of this world but still very much in my heart and their warmth and memories still very fresh and in some cases only a click away on these very pages.
None are so far from you than those you can see and reach out and touch but cannot touch. Going from being able to have 'total access' to them and them to you to going to not being able to have them is what isolation can come to mean. I'm not about to say that I am feeling the isolation all the more because that simply is not true in any way. I can only speak for myself as to how this isolation stabs at my soul and that I am not the only one to be feeling this. I can see that my resolve isn't as steadfast or resolute when pressed by my baser needs and sometimes overwhelming sexual wants and needs. Something that masturbation alone cannot touch even as I touch myself, there is the touch of another that is missing and more profound.
I am finding that I am also not of high ideals in many ways but someone whose baser instincts are all too human. The more I am denied something I want or need, the more I want it and crave it. These past weeks, no months, of isolation and distancing and not being able to have what I want when I want it have shown me that I am not above being human. I've been masturbating frequently with my body and my mind and that, although I achieve orgasm and release, it is somewhat hollow when there is no one there to hold me once I have found my release.
I practically dragged my husband to this site so that he could see and read what I have become since we started our sexploration. The writings of others here with similar likes, dislikes, fetishes, needs, emotions, feelings have opened my eyes to the importance of 'writing it down' for that time in the future when all we can have are memories. I have realized that I am every bit an exhibitionist in so many ways and I love writing about what sex, love, lust, debauchery, and tenderness and care have made of me. I have written of those that I fuck here and I have wanted my husband to see how and what it is I feel as I give and take my sexuality from a select few.
I indeed have no shame whatsoever and I have found that I want the man that I am married with to see me as the cum slut whore that adores him as others may see me. I am selfish, make no doubt about that, but I also want to share. Some years ago I began to follow or read about a couple here and I thought they had lost their sodding minds by writing as they did for everyone to see. Now I know why.
I want to know about this woman, Charlotte, that my husband is fucking and what it is about her that he sees worthy of his time and his cock. I want this as much as I want him to see me being fucked and cherished by those I also fuck and cherish. For in the end it is this man I married that will be there for me and me for him when all is said and done. I want him to see me for what I am as myself and I want to see myself as he sees me.
But only in here.
I've learned to express myself better as time goes by and as I read and write about what I am feeling. And I have lost all sense of shame in this place and I only take it with me when I am with another who has seen me as I am. I am very much human with all the strengths and weaknesses that we humans possess. I claim to not be judgmental but this really isn't so and I know it and if you want to judge my nakedness then you had better be naked yourself or be prepared to see yourself naked.
As I write this, it is the isolation I feel, either isolation through distance or being so close but so far at the same time.
@Night_Pilot wrote, 'You have some very interesting thoughts there @Wolf2007 and I can see why Beth Anne wanted me to write about Charlotte instead of posting responses to what she has written here in her thread. I may be dominate on hers and my planet but here in this site I'm more of a visitor on her planet and world that she has built over the past few years. Your post caught my attention and just may be a little too accurate in some ways and this is also definitely your planet and I am the visitor.'
My shop, our bedroom, this thread, your thread, if you post here where I am naked then you'd better be prepared to be naked as well. I'm here, I'm naked, but I wasn't always this way and it is scary in a good way if you're open to it then just do it.
This fuckery won't go on forever and neither will this sodding collection of atoms that make me who I am.