MARRIED LADIES! Why does it seem like women eventually stop wanting sex?

Our sex life went downhill before we even had kids. Why? Because he didn't want to "bother me" and because when he didn't show interest, I had no reason to worry. I don't have a high sex drive unless I'm stimulated. It's just one of those things. So when he doesn't even give me general affection, I think he's not interested and I don't pursue. This all boils down to a lack of communication. So the big cause of sex problems is just that: lack of communication.

People feel forgotten, people feel taken for granted, people feel ignored, people feel unloved--but it all boils down to someone not stopping the other person and saying, "Hey, remember when we used to ___? I miss that. What can we do to get back there?"

Yeah, kids put a damper on energy. Two working parents get tired. Taking care of a house and a family can get exhausting. But the communication is the most important part. If you keep talking and communicating the love, the sex will still come through. DH and I keep having to relearn this (I won't put blame on anyone there).

I never stopped wanting sex. And now two decades down the road, I want it more.

I dropped out of school and got married to a man probably more out of lust than love and for the first year of our marriage we screwed like rabbits. But money problems set in, my hours got cut, tips were not good, car broke down whatever happened it was always my fault. And after 18 months I wanted out but had too much pride to admit I had failed, but mericifully the marriage came to an end in just under 4 years. As Mashie said the first year was wild, but I would dare say the last part I bet we didn't have sex once a month. That bad.

I was not looking to meet a man but there he was and it did not take long for him to win me over. We dated for almost 2 years before we got married and he has been a total gentleman since day one. Our sex life, to perhaps a surprise to a lot of people, is very vanilla as we may have sex once or twice a week for a couple of weeks in a row, then go a week where we cannot leave each other alone. Is that typical?? Well that's the way it is with us.

TIllie, you go girl!

Mashie

Like Susie and her husband, my wife and I have not slowed down at all for decades and we are perhaps more sexually active now than ever. Maybe finally having the kids out of the house gives us more opportunity. We certainly spend much less time at home wearing clothes now.

My wife says our love life is not typical. She and several of her girlfriends meet at our house once a month and I leave the house so they can enjoy their girl talk. I often hear later that the girl talk was about sex. Several of my wife's friends complain about too little sex. My wife, much to my delight, recently told me she likes to brag about how much sex we have, and now her girlfriends want to know our secret. This excited the exhibitionist in me, and I (half) jokingly told my wife that we should put on a live demonstration for her girlfriends the next time they come over. My wife laughed and agreed, but I don't think she was serious. Or was she? I'd do it if she will!

Anyway, I think the secret to a long love life is to learn to enjoy giving pleasure as much as receiving pleasure. My wife and I have a rule that our bodies are not our own. We've pledged to always communicate our sexual desires to each other, (verbally if necessary), and to be each other's sex slaves. If one of us is horny and the other couldn't care less, the horny one is always entitled to an orgasm on demand one way or another, (and we have so many ways.) More often than not, obedience to this rule gets us both hot for sex. Try it for a month or two.

I would disagree we want it to stop. I never have and hope I never will.

A somewhat cynical old formula says "Men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love." Cynical, trite, maybe glib -- but something there maybe. In a way it comes down to the old answer: communication. Whatever the hell that means.

People take each other for granted, stop trying, let resentments build, just get tired... You've also got the pervasive and damaging myth that nice girls don't like or want sex.

It doesn't have to be that way. If you both decide to make your relationship (including sex) a priority it will remain one.

The big killer is the kid years. Especially if the mother gets into 100% mommy mode and everything else is secondary.

I got married young to someone younger and a prude. I have got more blow jobs among other things in the first year of separation than I ever got in 20 years!!! It is tough when kids are involved as for being a man you always want to take care of your family first but when it is over and nothing can be done . Kids first and then treat yourself with someone that makes you happy!!!!! I will say as for being a woman I think the same would be true???

It isn’t always the women who stop wanting sex. My husband adores me and is a great husband other than the fact he rarely wants sex. After several years of this, I now have no desire for him. It’s like we have become roommates.

Often, sexual relations seem to become rather routine and perhaps lack some of those WOW moments of the past. While orgasmic in their own right, there are those occasions where the routine is somewhat stale.

It seems that typical "vanilla" sex loses some luster over time. I suppose that many of us are searching for a few of those WOW moments here on Zity. While satisfied with those other creature comforts we desire and have amassed, it is challenging to achieve some extra WOW. I know that an enema, or other fantasy related role play, can certainly add some WOW for me.

It isn’t always the women who stop wanting sex. My husband adores me and is a great husband other than the fact he rarely wants sex.

Have you done some poking around to find a reason if there is one? Stress can be a big libido killer, and for me I find that certain types of pain can be as well. Mornings are great, but by the evening my balls are aching and my interest in initiating falls significantly, though I can usually follow through if my wife starts things off. I've had experiences with other things hurting (in some cases even more than my balls), but oddly enough those didn't impact my desire as much.

Not married and not female but can confirm from an ex that psychiatric drugs can be a major libido killer:

https://www.health.harvard.edu/womens-health/when-an-ssri-medication-impacts-your-sex-life

But that's ok because "only" 25% of the female population is on some kind of it:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/16/women-and-prescription-drug-use_n_1098023.html

Or, you know, maybe she just gets a lot of headaches at night...

I guess that's one of the mysteries of life. For some reason my wife seems to be confused about how she feels about sex. She seems to feel it's dirty and we're doing something wrong when we do it but then she agrees that it's supposed to fun. However she only allows the missionary position although I did end up giving her a lot of oral but she had a way of making me feel like she felt we did something wrong. More specifically I did something wrong and I did it to her. We tried anal once after she cleared it with her gyno but that was another guilt thing and we never did it again so I never got attempt to perfect it or get her used to it. When we got married she was my first and my penis was so happy to have a perfect home that it exploded as soon as it got it's head inside. To fix that problem I figured I had to get it to do it's thing once before heading in but masturbating was out as she saw that as something you were never supposed to do. I found that if I spent enough time licking de split I would come while just being outside and that got her well in the mood so I could slip the boy in and get some decent hip exercise before unloading. Over time I was able to perfect that so that we had some amazing orgasms together but she always had that sex is bad guilt thing afterward. Sh absolutely refused to take any interest in pleasuring me and refused to touch me. I asked her if it was because of the foreskin and offered to have it removed if she would then work on my boy but she refused the offer. She seemed to feel that my pleasure should come from being allowed to come inside her and that was it. If someone in a TV show said something a little sexy she would leave the room commenting that show was a waste of film. I would find her sitting in the bedroom reading her bible. Finding the virgin Mary next to your bed is a real turn off. One time she had a discussion with her best friend at church and discovered she and her husband did all kinds of exciting things. When she heard that we actually had some guilt free sex if not anything adventurous but that slowly faded in about 2 weeks. It was during that time that she actually tried to give me head but of course she wasn't good at it and refused to continue trying to learn how to improve. When I came home after bypass surgery she jumped my bones and rode me like a real cowgirl. I was never able to get her to do that before or after. When the girl who interviewed me before cardiac rehab asked "How's your sex life?" I replied GREAT which turned out to be lie. I don't remember what she was like when we were dating but I'm pretty sure we would never have been married if she wasn't at least handling my penis with enthusiasm. By the time we hit the ten year point I would say sex was probably once a month if that often and by 30 years it would have been once a year or maybe two. I don't feel it's right to cheat so I've never gone for anyone on the side. Maybe I'll be that lucky widower who finds a hot chicky for a little pleasure before I die. I've always been willing to do whatever my lover would want and if she came at me with a strap-on, I'd flip over and say don't forget the lube. If she was holding a set of sounds I'd say don't forget the lube. If she was holding some type of electric thing to go with the sounds I'd find the extension cord for her. I'd like to do whatever might be good for/to her so I certainly got a mismatch. She has complained about not having enough sex when she does everything she can find to prevent it. It's been like she wanted to find out what ever turned me on over the years so she could be sure not to do it. After many years I just got tired of trying when she supplied no effort at all to please me.

@roscoe - That's a sad case. She has obviously had mental blocks on sex. It seems you were doomed from the start.

It's why I keep saying people should always have honest discussions about a wide range of things, sex included as one of the major factors, to determine whether they are actually compatible enough to even contemplate marriage.

@DrZ your statement is dependent on both parties being completely honest with no hidden agenda (a little cynical here). My wife, a good person, wanted to get married to me (flattered) After the first year of dating and seeing this was possible long term i told her all about my enema fetish... soup to nuts. And for the next two years of our dating she received some enemas and gave me many. to shorten the story, by the end of the first year of marriage she would not receive nor give me enemas.

Moral of the story ... you never know, you can only hope.

@FunnStrict said

@DrZ your statement is dependent on both parties being completely honest with no hidden agenda (a little cynical here)....

Yes, you will note I did actually say

It's why I keep saying people should always have honest discussions about a wide range of things, sex included as one of the major factors, to determine whether they are actually compatible enough to even contemplate marriage.

I didn't argue that even a long series of talks and negotiations between a couple was an infallible method of ensuring compatibility and future happiness. You are correct to say that interests strong in the present can change or wane as time passes. But I can guarantee it is sheer foolishness, and reckless, to plunge into a long term commitment with someone without even attempting to touch on those subjects and gauge the other person's attitudes. If there is no discussion, you are relying on blind hope that things will work out, and the chances are, both parties will end up disappointed. I'm probably more cynical than you are about that.

I'm also very familiar with how some will lie and manipulate the other person, try to make them believe certain things, to get what they want for themselves. I've seen it enough times. But I wonder how long a manipulator will be prepared to keep at it before they give up. Also, will they be able to maintain the deception long term without detection?

The time you have known someone also has to be an important factor. Personally I think seeing someone for only a year before even discussing marriage is way, way too short. I'd be suspicious of such fast movement. I would question it. I would have doubts.

To add a little more about our 51 years of marriage. In the 70s they used to have what were commonly called psycho-babble shows on TV every day. The format was they had several people with the same affliction on for a week discussing their oddities. My opinion was that they must have scoured the whole country for months to locate several people with whatever the problem of the week was because most of them were so unusual/strange I never heard of them or knew anyone who even resembled it. By the end of the week they managed to convince some people the problem of the week was an epidemic. That would include my wife but she went one step further. Since she was an expert armchair psychologist she would figure out how all of us in the family had the problem. After a few years of that we all had so many afflictions we should have all (except her) been living at the funny farm. one week when she was in her 40s they did a series about recovered memories conveniently about sexual abuse my parents. When that week ended she was convinced her father had abused her most of her life before we met along with her kid sister who was only 6 when we got married so that had to be mainly an assumption. That was a convenient thing to blame her lack of wanting to do anything to me and vice versa. She managed to alienate herself from all her relatives with those claims and I did my best to stay neutral because I had a hard time believing it too especially knowing how she got started thinking it. But I guess her actions and attitudes DO fit that proposition and she's more than happy to use that as an excuse for our lack of sexual relations. It took her 20 years to convince her kid sister that she was a victim too and I'm still not convinced she believes it. Rather she just agrees with my wife to avoid conflict. She finally told me about being raped by a relative before I knew her. She waited 20 years into our marriage to mention it saying she was afraid I would not want her if I knew. She said she wanted me to think she was a virginThat couldn't be further from the truth as I never expected a girl to be a virgin I think that virgin stuff is way overrated. Why should they have to be virgins when it's OK for guys to be well experienced? Funny thing is I WAS a virgin and she wasn't. She recently told me she doesn't believe I was because I was 26. I don't know if that hurts me or not I don't much give a shit what other people think at my age.

My day(s) are filled with garden and processing whatever is the veggie of the week for all of the summer. Add in the care and tending of the quarter acre garden that is planted each year. During the "off season" I try to get things done in the house and catch up with what ever projects I have piled up by the sewing machine or on pinterest. Add to that I homeschool our son (also our daughter until she graduated early two years ago) and I have some pretty busy days.

Depending on how much I have had to do in one day or even the previous days will affect my attitude on whether I am in the mood for sex or not. I don't require an orgasm each and every time we have sex. Because there are those times when I just need the physical connection of his penis with my pussy. It's the connection of him and I throughout a day or week that affects

It's not that I don't want sex, but I am too tired to put an effort into sex. I'm in Mom or maid or cook mode. Not MissStress mode.

Depending on how much I have had to do in one day or even the previous days will affect my attitude on whether I am in the mood for sex or not. I don't require an orgasm each and every time we have sex. Because there are those times when I just need the physical connection of his penis with my pussy.

I like that because I don't need sex every time we're in bed. I WOULD however like to be held. The feeling of her holding/cupping my penis and balls in her hand as we wait to go to sleep would be heaven for me. I would also like to be able to just hold my hand over her pussy in the manner but she seems to make it me copping a feel. When I put my arm around her as we lay on the bed and slide my hand under her side so her breast is laying in my hand she calls that me copping a feel while I would think that would feel nice to her.

@roscoe I totally agree. I would consider myself incompatible with a woman that didn't like to be touched or 'groped' every day. I'm not objectifying her, I'm not demanding sex all the time, but I really enjoy physical contact with someone I'm in a relationship with. Spooning while watching a movie, cupping her breast or massaging her ass is just fun because we have that type of physical relationship. Many times couples/parents become nothing more than roommates. Roommates can share chores, pool money, go out to dinner/movies/festivals/shows... even raise kids. But roommates don't watch movies with their hands down each others pants, fondle each other while falling asleep, or give each other a quick ass grab as they walk passed each other in the hallway. I don't want a roommate.

Of course this goes both ways. I want to be casually touched and groped and fondled. I want to be desired and know that she is attracted to me. Stroke me to a full erection even when there's no chance of sex or orgasm... just because. It still feels good and I love her hands on me! Falling asleep with her hand on my cock, giving a little squeeze now and then is heaven like you say. And same goes for holding her pussy, maybe a finger just held between her majora lips. Very nice and comforting and sexy. Of course I've written elsewhere about my spoon-with-finger-locked-in-her-ass position, which is another wonderful bonding experience.

I like that because I don't need sex every time we're in bed. I WOULD however like to be held. The feeling of her holding/cupping my penis and balls in her hand as we wait to go to sleep would be heaven for me. I would also like to be able to just hold my hand over her pussy in the manner but she seems to make it me copping a feel. When I put my arm around her as we lay on the bed and slide my hand under her side so her breast is laying in my hand she calls that me copping a feel while I would think that would feel nice to her.

@roscoe , I'd either sleep in another bed and masturbate or find a FWB. Or both.

@MissStress

You have described me to a T! Lol From the gardening to the winter catch-up. Add to that that I too homeschool and have a little bit of a farm to keep up. The summer time is gardening and processing for winter; fall is hunting and more processing while homeschooling. Winter is "relaxing" with farm/household chores and homeschooling. Spring is more of the same. It's like we are on a wash-rinse-repeat schedule!

Hubby is gone Sunday-Friday so together time is must for my relationship with hubby to continue to succeed. To fall asleep snuggling every night would be heaven for me. I love sex and will not ever turn it down, just some days I just don't initiate it. Lol

cj1999-Of course I've written elsewhere about my spoon-with-finger-locked-in-her-ass position, which is another wonderful bonding experience.

Link? I searched for spoon - finger - ass - CJ1999 and it didn't come up.

After 35 years of marriage my husband and i never felt that way. We both worked at it to keep it fresh and exciting until he died almost 4 years ago. But he was vanilla and in my mind i was bdsm metfet which really excited me and still does. Im very selective but enjoy bdsm metfet more than i could ever imagine. It puts a deep feeling in my groin regular sex never did. I have never lost interest in good sex and hope i never do. For me it is part of being and on this site i can express it, talk about and meet mutual members interested in the same fetishes. Will continue to enjoy and hope that i find the exact right partner for my and his enjoyment

But he was vanilla and in my mind i was bdsm metfet which really excited me and still does. Im very selective but enjoy bdsm metfet more than i could ever imagine. It puts a deep feeling in my groin regular sex never did. I have never lost interest in good sex and hope i never do. . Will continue to enjoy and hope that i find the exact right partner for my and his enjoyment

Sounds like you finally have your reward in life. If I were to be single again I can't imagine there is any female out there who would want to play with the body of an old man when there are plenty of good looking young ones around, but I can dream. I'd be open to just about anything she wanted to do to me or have me do to her. It IS very nice to have this site where we can all discuss what we would like. I'm happy to hear that you females enjoy some things I'd like doing too. I was raised to believe girls didn't masturbate so don't mention that to them at the time in high school when us guys could hardly go an hour without wanting to. We always wondered if girls did it too and the answer we got was an emphatic NO!. Even after we were married my wife would not admit to doing that dirty thing ever in her life and I shouldn't either.

Link? I searched for spoon - finger - ass - CJ1999 and it didn't come up.

Hhmm... it should! Heres one place I mention it : https://www.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;msg=872556

Simply, she lies on her side, lower leg straight, upper leg towards chest - a Sims position. My middle finger on my top hand/arm enters her ass and I press in really deep. Then I spoon her and mimic her position. Our legs 'lock', and my thigh presses right against the back of my hand keeping it in place. It is a wonderful way to fall asleep and be aroused as you do!!

The big killer is the kid years. Especially if the mother gets into 100% mommy mode and everything else is secondary.

This, in part, is what I experienced in my first marriage. Moreover, she resented me for not feeling the same way and that our child, not our marriage, should have the highest priority at the expense of everything else. Where it really showed up was in our sex life. Even with the level of travel that was building with my career, our sex life was hot, intense, and frequent all the way through pregnancy. After childbirth (an unanticipated c-section) our sex life dropped to nearly zero. I could count the number of sexually intimate encounters over the next four years on my fingers and toes and have a few left over.

It was terribly confusing because she just didn't want me to touch her (because we might get sexual), even after I'd been gone for a week and I'd be home for the weekend. She didn't want me to touch her in bed (or any other location for that matter) or kiss her goodnight. After a while I got the message and other than the cordial kiss when I left to catch my plane, I would do whatever I could (whatever she would actually let me do) and avoid touching her for weeks on end. We'd see each other naked in the routine of get ready to go to work or after a day working out in the yard. But that was no longer an excuse or an invitation to become even cuddly intimate.

But on occasion out of nowhere, she'd jump my bones.

Whatever this was, it was always all my fault.

RedInBed you've got me beat in that I don't hunt. I like to cook and eat the game, but never gotten into the "gathering" of it.

It's like we are on a wash-rinse-repeat schedule!

Alot of people ask what's going on. The answer is similar to the above, "the same old, same old". I can handle that. It's when something new and unexpected happens that I get thrown for a loop. Until I can get it managed/controlled and then get back to my usual same old.

My wife and I have many friends who are married and we noticed one common thing. Those with kids definitely tend to have less sex or none at all, while the childless couples like us have the most sex by far.

My wife and I do not want kids, and I believe most of the childless couples we know feel the same. And it's not just because of the significant drop in sex frequency.

There is one couple we know that has kids and they do have sex regularly. I think it all boils down to maintaining a closeness and intimacy that seems to evaporate when a kid is born. It is understandable that the demands of child rearing, work, household chores, etc. can drain any energy that could be used for intimacy. But even a little attention to each other, hugging, cuddling in bed, a little kiss here and there, can help keep the marriage alive, so the couple doesn't drift apart and become roommates that happen to be raising a kid. Don't take each other for granted! Because if you do, that can lead to infidelity and divorce.

Rabidbiker - yes YES YES! Not only is it being tired, it also seems that women can slip into "mommy mode" where that is what they are, and their identity as a spouse is secondary and not as important. I'm fighting with that right now. She doesn't see why I'm not the same way, and some days it's hard to not let my frustration show in a way that is directed at the kids.