MARRIED LADIES! Why does it seem like women eventually stop wanting sex?

I always hear my married friends talk about how after marriage sex life comes to a halt essentially? Is it something your man does or doesn't do that affects it? Or is it that biologically you don't feel the urge as we men do? Or is it something completely different?

I have been married nearly 5 years but my sex drive is increasing I think. We have sex about twice a day at least and a lot more than that some times. I think we are more in love than ever. @Shawnr1 do you not think your married friends have just started taking their wives for granted and have not kept on being romantic? I think it is really important that it does not change just because you are married.

We have been married almost 25 years, have two essentially grown daughters, now 22 and 19 (I can't believe it!) and I'm as horny for my husband as ever.

Along with my masturbating, my husband has just enough energy after work to keep me from committing adultery!

We have intercourse about four or five days a week and on other days we might just hug, snuggle or lie between the other's legs and eat them out or masturbate each other, not necessarily getting eaten in return, but it's the closeness that we care about. We don't have to have orgasms when we're cuddling, but I love it when he makes me scream and gasp for air!

It's important to have non-sexual physical contact during the day also. My husband and I hug and kiss or give a little smack on the behind during the day as we pass each other walking through the house or doing household chores like cooking, or watching television and we also do it in front of the girls. Hugging and kissing doesn't have to be hidden from the children. Mind you, we don't sit around French kissing and grabbing each others crotches watching tv with the girls, but sometimes we give a deep kiss in front of them. Why shouldn't they know that we love each other and have a rewarding sex life? That keeps you in touch for more sexual contact at bedtime.

Actually, Shawnr, the common situation is after the first baby arrives that the sex life comes to a halt. 😁

If a couple had a good sex life before marriage I dont understand why the fact of getting married would change that . Life becomes busy, work, kids , etc and that may make sex a lower priority and its usual to have peaks and valleys and even lulls in a persons sex drive . But as long as the romance is still alive and both partners are healthy and happy things should keep going . Its so important to keep up the court ship phase , even after 20 years . Make her ( him too) feel appreciated, important, wanted, sexy if its still not hot in the bedroom there must be other reasons .

...after marriage sex life comes to a halt essentially

Wow, I'm really envious of how often you folks have sex! I guess it just depends on the marriage and the two individuals. For my wife and I, our sex life went down hill around the time when she got pregnant with our son. And after it never really recovered. Now, we hardly ever have sex. I still have a great deal of interest, but it's just not there for her.

I agreed with what @bridgette and @Switchablesusie said. It is really important to keep that closeness and keep the courtship going. @DrZ and I talked a lot about getting married and what it would mean to us and we decided it would not change us at all really. It stays exciting and we want to keep it like that.

We know we are NOT going to have kids and we know neither of us wants them. We know as well that marriages can be at risk because of how a baby can change how a husband and wife look at each other. Well that is not for us. But I think it is right that even if a couple has kids that they should keep touching and flirting and not grow apart really. @JimmyJohnson I am sorry it has not gone very well for you.

My husband and I are always kissing and touching and it is what we will always keep doing. I always listen to him and when he comes home I like him telling me about what happened at work while I cuddle up to him and maybe rest my head on his chest. Some times the things he says make my days and nights when he is working sound really dull but he always listens to me too. It is really dangerous when couples can not be bothered to talk to each other. I think married couples can live together in the same house but they do not really stay in the relationship they had when they met. Being married should mean a lot more than just living in the same house and wearing rings. I think having a relationship and really good sex is what it should really mean.

So we talked about all this BEFORE we got married and we have kept these promises and we will always keep them.

I would imagine the response from women on zity might be skewed a little. They obviously have some sexual and fetish interests as the reason for being active here. God bless them!!!

Likewise, the opinion the men may be skewed as well - since many of them are here to exercise their kinky interests and perhaps live vicariously through the stories of others. I'm not saying all - or even most - I'm just saying plenty.

Here are some of my observations after 34 years of marriage.

The new found responsibilities that come with being married and starting a family overtake some people's ability to cultivate an active sexual mindset. Especially true of younger couples who aren't that far removed from the care-free days of school and an almost constant preoccupation with sex.

If one of the partners is more responsible (typically the woman especially after becoming a mother) and becomes less preoccupied with sex than the other partner - who expects that things will never change, then you begin to see resentment and a breakdown in nurturing communication.

Then there may be a matter of performance lagging and sex becomes even less of a preoccupation in the mind - and further resentment and degraded communication.

Then time/age starts to kick in - and even if you were to get the sex you desire - physically and mentally, you can't fulfill the deed up to the expectations you're clinging to. So now there is even less motivation to want sex.

One of the easiest escapes (since your youthful memories are so fresh) is to glamorize the sex you had before marriage. Often times the memories exaggerate how good that sex really was - and Voila! You have your pre and post marital sex comparison.

So the immediate response upon hearing that someone else is getting married is to laugh and tell them how their sex life is going to crash when they get married - because that is the perception they have created for themselves.

As for the lucky people who manage to keep communication open, maintain a sexual mindset, and enjoy better and better sex as time goes on - they won't bother to tell you their side of things - because they are more focused getting home to their spouse and enjoying great sex.

Fortunately/Hopefully - there is always the chance of recognizing the negatives and reversing the affects.

It doesn't really come to a halt, but once you have children having the time for good intimacy does not occur with the same frequency. For us when our daughter went away to college we had lots of opportunities to explore each other again. The second thing that happened was we bought a small cottage on a lake where we go for romantic weekends. A few years ago I went thru menopause, but just the thought of going to the cottage gets me horny. In the winter we go there and have sex on a rug in front of a roaring fireplace when it might be cold and snowy outside. There is nothing like a different venue to rekindle your interest.

My husband and I have been married for 37 years and together for over 40 years. We have an active sex life. Our sex life has changed over the last 40+ years as the situations in our life have changed. It was more infrequent when one or both of us is under stress. Loss of job, Loss of house, Illness and/or Loss of parents and sibling. Birth of children (we have 4 sons). But the one thing that never changed was the love between the two of us. It is not unusual for us to kiss, hold hands, have me sit on his lap, hug or any other show of affection in front of friends, kids, and family.

I believe that our active sex life ( we can have sex 6 or 8 times a weekend) is a result of our caring for each other and showing affection even in those times when the sex was infrequent.

Your intimate life just like the rest of your life changes though out the years. Neither intimacy or anything else in life is stagnant. If you try to keep it the same you loose a lot. In both you need to keep growing and changing as the situations change but keep in mind that you and your partner both need to work at it. In order for a relationship to succeed both parties must work at it and support each other.

One of the reasons that I cut back my Facebook chats and postings is that I was constantly being followed by a lot of men. Either they were never married, divorced, or their wives "didn't understand them". We use spanking, etc in our marriage for the three "B's': Bets, Behavior, and Birthdays. Although my husband is on the receiving "End' for most of the Behavior ones, it adds spice to our relationship, even after 27 years. A lot of married couples, men and women, lose interest in sex because they fall into the same old routines in their lives.

Shawnr1's profile indicates he is in his 20s. It is logical then that many of the married friends he references are in the prime of their baby making years. As others have noted, the presence of children can substantially reduce the time available for romance and sex. It has nothing to do with a lack of desire on the woman's part, she simply has more demands on her time. And she is drag ass tired most of the time. And tired doesn't equate to hot sex.

There may be another psychological factor at work. During dating, courtship, and early relationships, there is the primal search for a mate. After a relationship has been established, this primal search may subside as a mate is in hand. Add marriage and stability, and the hunt is over. At this point neither the man nor the woman has to impress the other with their sexual prowess, they are there for each other as time and circumstances permit.

Good continued sex relies on "Team Work" and staying "Green and Growing" I can only speak for myself but the idea of stopping my desire for sex never crossed my mind. Maybe that's because my husband and I have tried new things over the years! That's the green and growing part. Everyone has ups and downs but that's life. To throw in the towel for sexual desire might be a cause for sitting down and talking. Mental issues lead to dysfunction and unhappiness. When things slow down maybe it's time to try something new. Communication will help!

Being married usually means going to work and looking after the home as well. Women do get tired, and even more so when there is a baby to look after. Saying that, being married is being able to ask for those sexual things that you wouldn't of asked for before. Women don't stop wanting sex, its just that as the years roll on sex becomes very special and can get very kinky indeed. Women love sex!

I got married before realizing there are two different kinds of women sexually.... those that have a genuine desire and those that pretend to have genuine desire. I married the latter. After three years of constant rejection in the bedroom i gave up even asking, i would just go to bead and straight away turn my back to her. I have already realized sex for her was a gift of love to me but for her there was nothing in it. But the problem is, i 'need' to be wanted, otherwise i don't even want to be there..... that marriage ended after 6 years.

I hated menopause, and during it, the thought of getting laid didn't sit well. I finally talked to a Dr. about it, and we tried hormone replacement therapy. My libido came barreling back, and since, my sex life is the best it's ever been.

On another note- Almost every relationship I've ever been in has been open, and Bi. When interest in a LTR wanes, a change of partners would do the trick. As long as you come home, it's all good. A same sex fling may recharge the batteries too.

. . . .On another note- Almost every relationship I've ever been in has been open, and Bi. When interest in a LTR wanes, a change of partners would do the trick. As long as you come home, it's all good. A same sex fling may recharge the batteries too.

That's true, but that usually doesn't fly with one person in the couple.

I agree that open relationships are not for everybody, I would go so far as saying they are very rare. I'm sure a shrink would say I'm unable to commit, and this is not healthy. I'm happier than most of the shrinks I meet. LOL

Most shrinks direly need their own services.

Marriage sucks, it is a form of slavery

I agree with the OP's observations on many points , also with many of the other members comments . I do believe their are two types of people, those that enjoy a hearty sex life and those that its just not at the top of their list . For those that do thoroughly enjoy it, if health issues ( menopause, medications, health reasons ) they will find a way to fix or accommodate for . The want definitely has to be there tho .

Then you have to ask , WHY did the want disappear? There are so many reasons people pull away from their partner . Loss of attraction or feeling unattractive , I am sure are a couple of main reasons . Simply falling out of love is another . You can still love a person, especially someone you have been with for a very long time and no longer be in love . ( I know from experience)

I have many friends that would say as a matter of factly that after working, tending to the house and kids etc, etc , or that they just had too much on their minds to even think about sex, or were just too tired . I never believed them . I would always think there had to a better reason and maybe they didnt want to face it or admit it .

I guess I go by the philosophy, " If there is a will , there is a way ".

ShamamE said ,

Marriage sucks, it is a form of slavery

I not only have to disagree with that statement but add that its a totally ridiculous thing to say . If that is true in your own personal life , get out of it and get out now .

Marriage should and can be an amazing bond . There have to be many ingredients that the two people must add to it and continue to add over its lifetime . It should always bring out the best in each person , if the scales start tipping in one persons direction its time to reassess. Nobody should feel like a slave to a marriage.

SHAMANE read this

ShamamE said

Marriage sucks, it is a form of slavery

All one has to do is read or listen to all the MGTOW articles and videos. There is a reason for what he said--IT IS TRUE for the very vast majority of couples. The woman, in most cases brings NOTHING to the table. The man works and pays for most if not all expenses and if there is a divorce, the MAN suffers. The woman gets all his money, the car and the house and the man us forged with paying the very vast majority of the children's upbringing and educational costs.

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Bridgette: the below video will be eye opening to you whether or not you believe the truth.

bridgette said

. . . I not only have to disagree with that statement but add that its a totally ridiculous thing to say . If that is true in your own personal life , get out of it and get out now .

Marriage should and can be an amazing bond . There have to be many ingredients that the two people must add to it and continue to add over its lifetime . It should always bring out the best in each person , if the scales start tipping in one persons direction its time to reassess. Nobody should feel like a slave to a marriage.

The "bond" as you call it IS truly nothing more than a piece of paper, although it IS a contract that costs most men their freedom and their money. Marriage is a blessing for women and a potential horror for men. The woman benefits at the man's expense whether or not the marriage succeeds.

see Be a Man Get Married: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtvfHnZMcOY&t=27s

actually you don't need to see that if you see THIS:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbt9yK2DFrg which is the reply to the first and it contains the first as it is annotated

Susie , I do not need to watch nor read your suggestions. While I stated that I disagree I did so on the basis that marriage does not need to be felt as a slavery relationship .

I know how much you love to disagree with me , and it also seems like you basing it on material things and the man is the one that would feel the " slave". I could argue that it goes both ways . How many women give up a promising career to stay home and take care of the kids AND a demanding husband who does not want her to work ?

I am not going to go further into that argument as it really isnt relevant to the point I was making that a marriage does not need to nor should feel that way and in my opinion no man should feel trapped .

Maybe I go against the " normal " but I was a teenage mom , 16 with a baby and her dad at 21 (when I asked ) decided that he was not ready to be a dad . I moved on, never accepted a dime and never looked back .

If my marriage was to end for whatever reason I dont want anything that was not already personally mine . I have zero interest in material belongings nor do I want to punish anyone . Wouldnt want alimony nor child support ( he is a grown man and knows what his children need ) . Some people would argue that I have a " right" , I would rather choose to be free , live peacefully and not be bitter .

While those articles and videos do hold some very sad truths that doesnt mean it has to be that way . Its always a choice .

bridgette said

If my marriage was to end for whatever reason I dont want anything that was not already personally mine . I have zero interest in material belongings nor do I want to punish anyone . Wouldnt want alimony nor child support ( he is a grown man and knows what his children need ) . Some people would argue that I have a " right" , I would rather choose to be free , live peacefully and not be bitter .

That's what ALL the women SAY, but NOT what they DO.

You are right that it is a choice. However , it is seldom the man that gets to make that choice.

I have never been married. I have lived with a woman (Holly) for almost 9yrs, but never married, it just seemed like it. I now have good relations with most all of my ex-girlfriends, including the woman I lost my virginity to, so long ago, the Rolling Stones still had top hits. Kathy, my first, called me up a few years ago and said, "I just got divorced, I got a ton of money, I am in a hotel in San Diego, come over and lets party!" Kathy and I still have great sex, better now that when we did when were high school. What married couple can say that?

I love all of my ex's.. And still have relations with many of them... I answer to no-one... I also give my loves the freedom to do as they wish, which I think has been my secret over the years.. I feel blessed, more so than my Parents who have been married since the 50's and can't stand each other.

A few of my ex's have given me complements recently, after having experiences with other lovers over 3 decades. This has really made me more confident at 53, than I ever have been in my life. I have maintained myself over the years, I can still perform as much as when I was 18, but the sex is much better. I do not eat processed foods, other than the occasional pasta or potato chip, which then I choose the natural ones.. I have had en enema fetish since I was 10, which I believe has contributed to my youthfulness at 53.

A few of my ex-lovers thought my enema fetish was weird, I got rid of those ones, but now, my enema fetish does not seem so weird to them, and some have adopted the practice..

The most sexually compatible of my lovers is my step-sister. I gave her her first orgasm with an enema when she was 19. Now in her late 40's, she and I still give each other enemas and anal sex when I see her. To this day, it is still the only way she can climax. She lives in another state and I do keep this relationship rather secret from my family for obvious reasons..

The only time I ever considered marriage, It turned out to be a heart breaking experience, full of unreasonable expectations...

Today, I am very happily single. I have experienced new lovers recently, and I practice clean, safe enema fetish sex.. I have discovered new fetish clubs in San Francisco which have been eye openers, even in my 50's. Surprising, I meet many divorced women in these San Francisco clubs, most do not want long term relationships, just fun with out drama. I have found that many of these divorced women were married to doctors and airline pilots. They often complain that their ex's were never there for them...

Even in my 50's, I have no problem meeting women, even girls young enough to be my daughter, which sometimes turns out to be really kinky in a whole new way for me. I do not have any children, but I find the whole Father/daughter role playing thing to be totally stimulating for me... This started when i took some art classes several years ago. I met a young artist, Natalie, 20 at the time. We were on a camping trip and SHE started to fondle me as we were sleeping in the same tent. Since I was so much older, I let her make the first move. After a while, she started calling me "Daddy" as she starts to orgasm. Having my experience, I never claimed her, or became possessive of her and we had relations on and off now for several years.

This weekend, I am headed to San Francisco for the weekend, (I live in Northern Cal) the former member of the Grateful Dead are playing Shorline Amphitheater. I admit, I am having a great middle age crisis...

I hope that others can learn to relax, and take it casually. I may not have sex every night, but neither do married couples.

I am also open to meeting other like minded women on this site who are into enemas. I am not totally stuck on the age thing, you can be younger, or even older than me. If you are into enemas and are liberated, we should link up.

Despite my experience, I am STD free. I enjoy mostly enema fetish sex, which has proven to be a very clean and happy for me. I only have condom-less sex when I am in a relationship that involves having been tested for std's. So have fun! I wish all of you the best, and if you are interested in role-play/enemas etc with a really fun, drama free and experienced lover, feel free to contact me...

Like I said, I will be at Shoreline this weekend.. I will be the one with the wolf dog, and yes, I get her into the shows....

I can't and won't speak for the other ladies here but I can speak for myself. I have been married for 26 years now. I was sort of young when I got married and I thought I was in love. I thought I knew what love was. Apparently I did not.

Like most when we first got married we had sex a lot. I'm sure you have heard that cute little story that you put a penny in a jar every time you have sex in the first year of marriage. Then starting the second year on you take a penny out every time you have sex and chances are you never empty the jar. This would have been the case for us for sure.

To be honest with you I can count on a few fingers how many times I have had sex with my husband in the past almost 20 years and would probably have fingers left over. We love each other as friends but are not in love with each other any longer. To be even more honest with you, sex with him wasn't good. It was painful and uneventful as he is hopelessly vanilla.

With Doc as I'm sure you know, it's a completely different story. Sex is better than fantastic. It's exciting as hell and he pleases me.......... always! I long for him, I crave him, I want and need him. These are a few of the differences between being in love and just loving someone as there is a huge difference.

So it's not that I don't want sex, nothing could be further from the truth, I just don't want it from the husband.

Mashie

I can relate to you Mashie, the woman I broke up with after 9yrs was also too "vanilla." and sex became routine and boring. I am happy you have found fulfillment..

Mashie , I am glad someone else understands when I say being in love and loving someone are two totally different things . I do love my husband, wish him the best and want him to be happy . He is the father of my children and an amazing grandfather . But we are more like roommates than soulmates . Maybe I am a helpless romantic but I want it all. The hearts , the flowers , the blindfold and the paddle ?

Bridgette, I get exactly what you are saying, exactly. Not everyone does. My husband is a great husband, a good father and a good grandfather as well. He loves me to death, but that is the problem, he loves me to death and is killing me ever so softly as the days, weeks, months, and years slip by. It isn't his fault that we grew apart, it's mine. I discovered who I really am and who I wanted and needed to be to make myself happy.

Truth be told, Doc came looking for me, not the other way around. Had it not been for Playdr (RIP), a couple of friends up in Michigan, and Doc I would have never found myself, I would have never been happy. They taught me who I was, what made me happy and what didn't, and what and where I wanted to take myself and gave me the tools to head in that direction.

I have not looked back since. Unfortunately there have been some folks that couldn't or didn't want to come with me, and that's okay. However I refused to stop the train once it left the station. It hasn't always been an easy road, but it is one I would travel over and over and over again. After all, that road brought me to my happy place, to my one true love, to the person who understands me most and accepts me for who I am, always, even when I have been a total bitch and tried to run. He held on strong and refused to let me go. He has saved my life both literally speaking and metaphorically speaking as well. He is my play doctor, my real doctor, my soulmate, my lover and most importantly, my best friend. I owe Doc everything and I will never be able to thank him enough.

And yes, Doc stands in the open door welcoming me with his leather belt or paddle securely in his right hand waiting to get his hands on my fanny, and visa versa, hehehe.

Mashie