I used to be a paramedic, and when I see 'strange anal insertions', i always have to share the story of this one call I responded on.
This guy called 911 for transport to the hospital. The dispatcher knew something was odd about this call when the caller asked for the ambulance to come with lights and siren on but also asked if the trip to the hospital could be done nice and slow and over a really smooth road. The caller met us out in the driveway somewhat hunched over which was nothing really strange. He gingerly climbed into the back, asked for an extra pillow which he placed in the middle of the stretcher, and then sat down really gingerly.
On the way to the hospital, he seemed completely terrified every time there was a rattling noise whether or not it physically shook the ambulance or not. He also wouldn't say much more than he 'messed up and had a bad issue'. When we got to the hospital, he decided to stay on the stretcher and ride in instead of walk, so we had already reached the realization that he probably had something up him that wasn't bodily waste. As we were filling out our paperwork at the nurse's station, 4 hospital security guards came jogging into the ER followed shortly by about a half dozen police officers and then an announcement over the PA of "Code Green, Code Black, Emergency Department".
Instantly, all of the staff that wasn't seeing a patient stood up and either got busy unhooking and rolling out patients or heading straight for the door.... except for the patient we had just brought in. We were ordered to leave the area by one of the officers, and about 3-4 minutes later, SWAT rolled up. No one knew what in the hell was going on, but that didn't stop people from speculating. About 10 minutes later, the bomb squad rolled in, suited up, and entered the ER. We couldn't hang around and watch the excitement any longer, so it wasn't for another 2-3 hours that we learned what all the ruckus was for. It turned out that our patient had told his attending doctor that he was cleaning the house while naked and had slipped and fell on something(uh huh... ok). It wasn't until the abdominal x-rays were developed that the image of a LIVE WWII mortar or tank round appeared superimposed on top of the all too familiar silhouette of the torso of a human skeleton. I can't remember the exact size of the shell, but it was somewhere around 80-100mm.
They had to take the guy into surgery to do the extraction which took a volunteer surgical staff and a scrubbed-in bomb tech about 30-45 minute to retrieve, all while the rest of the bomb squad were on standby in the OR hallway. Apparently the patient kept swearing up and down that he accidentally fell on it, but according to the notes of the attending ER doc and the surgeon, "there was evidence of a dried, clear, and tacky gel between his buttocks and around his anus" as well as "no evidence of any anal trauma or tearing one would expect to find secondary to a sudden trauma".
I've always loved the way the medical field can say things in such a way that it doesn't sound dirty but everyone still knows it is.