Married to not interested guy

Pity to read that. It's like he doesn't respect you as a human being, your needs as well as your marriage. If he really doesn't like sex he shouldn't marry someone who is in need of sex. Time to consider the value of your marriage and take conclusions.

@Tonykiko67 kink/fetish is not for or gets everyone hot and bothered. It is just not for everyone otherwise we on Zity.biz would not have to hide our fetishes/kinks. Or be ashamed of what we feel.

@Tonykiko67 kink/fetish is not for or gets everyone hot and bothered. It is just not for everyone otherwise we on Zity.biz would not have to hide our fetishes/kinks.

@MissStress totally agree, though to be precise the context of my reply was to Secret Sub her original post:

74 Married to guy not interested in any kind of sex at all.

Which makes me feel very pity and sad for her. :-(

It is very common where husband/wife is not into medical fetish. I used to meet a married RN who was in open marriage. Her husband was not into medical fetish-plays.

I married a doctor…. do I get any of the medical fet play from it ~ NO!!! He has zero interest. He's also not kinky ~ but really didn't express it until AFTER we're married. He lives in fear that any kind of Medfet or BDSM will come back to haunt him. I am asking for it and I would put it in writing ~ but he won't budge. Not sure what to do about it. He claimed he was a nudist (I'm not), but I run around the house naked all the time (I've never seen him hang out in the nude). Just odd… and frustrating.

@patient84: Are there other folks out there who similarly think of medfet play as something that they wouldn't incorporate into their sexual relationship with their significant other?

Not unless I had a willing s/o who "got it" and was capable of compelling role play. But that's probably a tall order. I can't imagine my s/o being interested. If you are in a committed relationship then this is a real paradox, because I agree that the gooey chocolatey center of medfet is the "compulsory" exposure, not simply to a stranger, but to a stranger with whom it would be taboo to interact sexually.

That would be most persons here, I suspect!!!

I am happy to be, not just in the minority, in a marriage in which neither one of us is interested in Medfet. Not that I am opposed to it, but just not interested. Now, if she were to bring it up as an area of interest, I would be just as happy to explore.

One of the few things we have in common! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

That would be most persons here, I suspect!!!

You get first prize in social reality awareness.

Compatible marriages, even without any sexual fetishistic component, are difficult enough to stay the course. Throw in specific fetishes and chances are that very few marriages will have couples with the same unusual sexual interests. The law of probability is against it.

Great discussion!!

Not suggesting a black or white answer/solution here, just throwing some thoughts in to the mix.

i'm a big advocate for sexual compatibly as part of the decision making process for entering into committed relationship. i think agracier makes a valid point:

"... you can discuss sexual preferences prior to getting married till you're blue in the face, but if those specific urges/preferences aren't there or not recognized or discovered, then all the discussing is for naught."

While i think this is valid, i also believe that the stigma many cultures attach to sex, and especially some of the stuff we discuss on Zity, fosters ignorance. i think many people do not recognize or discover "those specific urges/preferences" because they are not out in the open where they can be easily discovered... or affirmed. i'm not sure if we can say if the chicken or the egg came first?

Another thing i wonder about is the notions of monogamy, or being with one partner for life. i wonder about the idea that any one person could always (or ever 100%) meet the needs of another? Yet there is a strong cultural imperative towards both monogamy and maintaining exclusivity for life. There's a common notion of all or nothing in relationship. Even in the vows many take: "for better or worse."

Interesting topic! I see only male patients and I would say 98% of them are straight with either a girlfriend or a wife. A couple of them have told me their partner is not interested. The others ..I’m sure their medical/exam fetish is a well kept secret between the “patient” and the “doctor”.

Doctor-patient confidentiality 😉

My wife is not into any Medfet or other kinky activities in fact, she has very little interest in regular sex when I brought up my interest in enemas about with her about three years after marriage she was totally turned off by that and had ZERO interest in exploring in this area. When She is interested in sex, which is maybe 6 times a year if that, it literally lasts less than 10 min and she does not want to do anything out of the ordinary. Very boring even though I want to be much more active in Med Fet activities and sex.

@Eyeman, I feel pity to read your post. Mabe it's a good idea to re-evaluate your marriage and take conclusions where your happiness and wellbeing counts as well.

I have thought about this even more since I have stage 4 cancer. The problem is that medfet and other kinks are still taboo. Recently, Zity member asked me how I knew that I was anal erotic since I didn’t get any rectal temperatures, enemas, suppositories growing up that I remember. When I was a kid and bathing, I would rub my butt hole and it felt good. But I was raised that it was dirty to play with that area. This was not something that you discuss with your friends as a kid or teenager. We didn’t have internet to find out if others did this. I just figured that I was born weird so I tried to avoid that area. But every once in a while I would get a strong urge to explore this area. The only thing that I had was a pencil. I would insert the eraser end in about an inch. I was scared to go any further that I might cause damage. I kept hoping that maybe my boyfriends would explore that area but none of my teenage boyfriends were interested in that area so I just thought I was weird so I tried to suppress it. I didn’t dare ask them to explore that area. Maybe that area was an area that was not to be touched as taught by my mom.

I think a lot of people see kinks and other fetishes as something taboo.

Couples make compromises on stuff that is what I would call normal. Some men accompany their wives to ballet or opera. Some women accompany their husbands to the tool store or fishing. It is sharing in their hobbies. But medfet or other kink are hobbies that some spouses see as weird or gross. For us, we don’t want to deal with the embarrassment so we just don’t talk about when we were dating. When I met my husband, we really didn’t talk about kinks. What we did agree upon is that we would be willing to try new things as long as it was not illegal or harm anyone. We also agree if one like something but the other person didn’t that we would at least indulge them. Yes, there are things that I will flat not do and that is Roman showers or scat. Before I met my husband, would I tell my boyfriends that I was anal erotic, hell no! If they didn’t ask to do something anal, I was not tell for fear of shame and embarrassment. I did even tell my husband until I saw all the people on Zity that are anal erotic then I realize that I was not weird after all. It is still taboo so it does not come up in the dating conversations.

When I met my husband, we really didn’t talk about kinks. What we did agree upon is that we would be willing to try new things as long as it was not illegal or harm anyone.

From what I remember, when I met my gf we didn't discuss much of anything. Certainly nothing sexual. It was sort of like we acted like we were supposed to be telepathic and could read each other's thoughts, likes or preferences.

I know that during sex we never asked or said much, just did things and tried to gauge if the other liked it or not from the physical reactions and body language.

And I wonder if talking things through ahead of time would have been a good idea anyway. When young, people are still far too conditioned by all the silly things they hear from parents, teachers, the media, priests and other people who think they are know-all guardians of morals and sexual propriety.

I just figured that I was born weird so I tried to avoid that area. But every once in a while I would get a strong urge to explore this area.

I kept hoping that maybe my boyfriends would explore that area but none of my teenage boyfriends were interested in that area so I just thought I was weird so I tried to suppress it. I didn’t dare ask them to explore that area. Maybe that area was an area that was not to be touched as taught by my mom.

I think a lot of people see kinks and other fetishes as something taboo.

Couples make compromises on stuff that is what I would call normal. Some men accompany their wives to ballet or opera. Some women accompany their husbands to the tool store or fishing. It is sharing in their hobbies. But medfet or other kink are hobbies that some spouses see as weird or gross. For us, we don’t want to deal with the embarrassment so we just don’t talk about when we were dating. When I met my husband, we really didn’t talk about kinks. What we did agree upon is that we would be willing to try new things as long as it was not illegal or harm anyone. We also agree if one like something but the other person didn’t that we would at least indulge them. Yes, there are things that I will flat not do and that is Roman showers or scat. Before I met my husband, would I tell my boyfriends that I was anal erotic, hell no! If they didn’t ask to do something anal, I was not tell for fear of shame and embarrassment. I did even tell my husband until I saw all the people on Zity that are anal erotic then I realize that I was not weird after all. It is still taboo so it does not come up in the dating conversations.

Thank you for sharing!! This is a perfect example of where i was going with my post.

We are conditioned from birth it seems, and afraid to be open with each other. i think intimate relationship should be a 'safe place' where, ideally, we can be 100% open. Yet we often seem to approach and enter those kinds of relationship in such a haphazard way? We even have telling terms for instance and refer to it as "falling in love." (laughing) Really? We leave so many factors about the most important relationship/s in our life to to chance, and that is a 'design' we just seem to accept. i question why society thinks it's okay to keep entering intimate relationship the same way, as though it's some sacred or magical approach that we cannot depart from? Indeed, many religions have turned 'marriage' into a sacred agreement. But we enter into is so ignorantly, and that ignorance is built in, it's part of the design (flaw lol).

Imagine if part of our education was learning how to self discover. Then we have other classes on how to articulate and communicate who and how we are. i know that just reading that evokes feelings of shock in many. Where do those feelings of "shock" come from and why do we allow ourselves to continue to be bound by fear? We often do not go so far as to question why we have that fear, let alone oppose, or work our way out of, the reasons and systems that establish those fears in the first place.

i processed out of my childhood conditioning against being gay. It took me a long time, but part of what i gained is understanding how society and cultural conditioning work. It's really nothing new, others have done this as well. We even have stories about it, like "The Emperor's New Clothes." Really, i think part of maturing is reaching a place where we see through, and past, our conditioning. But so much of that conditioning affects us in ways that run under our radar.

i was struck by the comment: "I kept hoping that maybe my boyfriends would explore that area." To me, that nails the status quo. So many of us (most?) are so bound by fear that we go through life "hoping" someone else will make the first move, yet that someone else is just as afraid as we are.

My wife is not into any Medfet or other kinky activities in fact, she has very little interest in regular sex when I brought up my interest in enemas about with her about three years after marriage she was totally turned off by that and had ZERO interest in exploring in this area. When She is interested in sex, which is maybe 6 times a year if that, it literally lasts less than 10 min and she does not want to do anything out of the ordinary. Very boring even though I want to be much more active in Med Fet activities and sex.

@Eyeman If she wants to be that way, I'd be getting some on the side!!! 😜😉

@agracier Compatible marriages, even without any sexual fetishistic component, are difficult enough to stay the course. Throw in specific fetishes and chances are that very few marriages will have couples with the same unusual sexual interests. ......

Oh so true. At best I've achieved partial compatibilities with the partners I've been lucky to have....

We are conditioned from birth it seems, and afraid to be open with each other.

I would go with we experience from birth and childhood on that we cannot really completely and openly trust others, not even parents or siblings or family.

They will, at some point, sadly enough at many points in your life, let you down, put you down, humiliate and hurt you in ways both emotional and quite often enough physically as well. That is what we learn growing up. We learn to not necessarily trust people, that is the prime lesson a person needs to learn when it comes to life.

Some people you can usually or often count on, but always count on to be sympathetic and understanding? Not in my experience.

So we learn to be more cautious in revealing intimate things about ourselves. It is the 'once bitten, twice shy' lesson of life.

Going to an even deeper sociological level, there are some societies/nations (like the US or the Netherlands) that believe that open and frank, direct discussing things in general, is the best way to proceed in relationships or with anything. Tell it like it is without any worry about another person's feelings and all will be well.

Other societies do not necessarily think this an optimal strategy for dealing with the complexities of life. There need to be areas in a person's life that is strictly private and inviolate, because revealing all and being totally honest will also reveal off-putting characteristics that do not benefit a relationship.

There is probably an optimum trade-off point between openness and personal secrecy, but where that point exactly lies, has been a mystery to me almost all my life.

If it wasn’t for my severe constipation when we were dating, I probably wouldn’t be indulging in my medfed or anal play. I was waiting to see my husband would make the first move and my husband was waiting for me to make the first move. My first enema for constipation while we were dating open the door for me. Over time, I felt comfortable enough with my husband to reveal some of my most inner most desires.

I would go with we experience from birth and childhood on that we cannot really completely and openly trust others, not even parents or siblings or family.

They will, at some point, sadly enough at many points in your life, let you down, put you down, humiliate and hurt you in ways both emotional and quite often enough physically as well. That is what we learn growing up. We learn to not necessarily trust people, that is the prime lesson a person needs to learn when it comes to life.

Some people you can usually or often count on, but always count on to be sympathetic and understanding? Not in my experience.

So we learn to be more cautious in revealing intimate things about ourselves. It is the 'once bitten, twice shy' lesson of life.

Going to an even deeper sociological level, there are some societies/nations (like the US or the Netherlands) that believe that open and frank, direct discussing things is the best way to proceed in relationships or with anything. Tell it like it is without any worry about another person's feelings and all will be well.

Other societies do not not think this an optimal strategy for dealing with the complexities of life. There need to be areas in a person's life that is strictly private and inviolate, because revealing all and being totally honest will also reveal off-putting characteristics that do not benefit a relationship.

i should probably clarify that when i say "conditioning" i am not thinking of that as a conscious, purposeful or nefarious agenda or effort. i think it is largely a self perpetuating state of being and acting. It's what we know. Using myself as an example (but i think we can all insert our own examples here), i was aware early on that i am attracted to guys, but was also learned early on that that was generally considered "sick, sinful, broken, perverted, etc.." And most of that was learned/conveyed through innuendo. Sure, there were those dedicated to fighting the 'homosexual agenda,' but most of my 'conditioning' was social. Kid's using terms like "faggot" as a pejorative, or making fun of and bullying the effeminate boy. i didn't tell anyone about my predilection towards guys until i was 19 years old, but i was tortured by the reality of it, and the isolation. At 12 i started looking at books on homosexuality in the library, but at that time the vast majority of those books affirmed my conditioning that did indeed happen largely through "experience." So, i think the sources of our "conditioning" vary, are vast, and mostly happens unconsciously.

i appreciate your thoughts and the perspective you bring and share. As is likely obvious from my posts, i'm big on openness in general, but especially when it comes to intimate relationship. i have a very purposeful and detailed rationale and approach for this, a paradigm of sorts, so i tend to be passionate about it. But then, my way is not 'the way' eh? lol. Your perspective that US and Netherlands are "open and frank" gave me another pause moment. Another culture that comes to mind is Asia. Though i think it way too big of a generalization, sort of like saying "white people" or "black people" when there is tons of diversity in all those groupings... but, an Asian stereotype is on of inscrutability. As a kid, i had a similar idea about the English. Watching every season of "The Great British Baking Show" has shattered that notion for me. i cannot account for the Netherlands, but have lived in the US my whole life (with visits to other countries). i think i understand where you are coming from on a comparative basis, and i can see where US culture may be more "open and frank" when it comes to some things. my impression is that if the US didn't invent it, it certainly has fostered the practice of presenting an image. There was a Cannon camera commercial that came out several years ago: Andre Agassi playing tennis and declaring: "Image is everything." Of course, it was a play on words, Cannon marketing their cameral. But it utilized a cliche,' and subsequent practice, that is prominent in American culture, that of presenting an image (vs the real thing).

To me, this is the other side of the same coin. Society/culture 'conditions' us to not only hide our true self in fear, but to additionally create and project an 'image' to people. i think it's motivated by the same universal human need/desire: to be loved, which to me is really the need/desire to be affirmed as being valuable (that reads way more clinically than i see it). The problem i see with both sides of the coin is, if i am right in believing that the "need/desire for love/affirmation" is universal, this cultural "coin" is counterfeit or what it purchases is? It seems to me one cannot be loved/affirmed if one is unseen/unknown. Others may "love/affirm" the projected image, but the real person remains unseen, unacknowledged and unloved/un-affirmed. Many remain alone and lonely in an apparent intimate relationship, but hey, image is everything.