Who really is a VIRGIN ?

Anne,

Bottom Line: Good sex requires good communication. Unless there is a sexual preference problem (gay man in a straight marriage, for example), other sexual issues can be worked out simply by both spouses being willing to discuss what they want.

Unlike other areas of life where multiple experiences improve your skills, everyone has their own particular fetishes and preferences sexually and the only way to find out what those are is to talk about them.

My partner may have had sex with a million other people, but she is still not going to know what I want unless I tell her.

"Sexual incompatibility" is the result of poor communication, not a lack of experience. Spouses need to talk to each other about what they want, no amount of experience is going to overcome that.

[quote author=HumblePatient link=topic=13642.msg297835#msg297835 date=1276163122]

. . . . "Sexual incompatibility" is the result of poor communication, not a lack of experience. Spouses need to talk to each other about what they want, no amount of experience is going to overcome that.

[/quote]

The communication thing may be true, but if the two people do not like it the same way, or if one likes it rough and the other doesn't, or if one wants anal and the other doesn't or won't, then you ARE incompatible. Both parties must be willing and able to do what the other person wants.

When a couple is compatible by a sexual point of view and by a characterial point of view both, that's GREAT.

Hypothetical Situation

Man: I get turned on by wearing and using diapers.

Woman: Wow... that's weird.... That's gross. I don't want any part of that, it kind of makes me feel nauseous to think about it. Don't wear them around me. Seriously, I may throw up if you do....

There is no problem with communication in this scenario, however, this would be textbook sexual incompatibility. Both partners are perfectly clear in what they want, but this is one relationship that isn't going to last. If you think this situation hasn't played out numerous times, try chatting with the people who frequent zity's fetish sites.

Anne,

I agree. That's why talking about sex is so important before you get married. Don't marry someone if you don't know them. I can tell you (or anyone) that I'm into MedFet and a bit of a submissive and that tells you quite a bit about me right there. It's not that hard to find out what your partner wants, just ask.

My point is that this has nothing to do with sexual experience, this is about communication. Another version of that same conversation, only not about sex:

Man: So when are you going to quit your job?

Woman: Quit? Are you kidding? I'm a senior officer at one of the top technology companies in the country? I can't QUIT...

Man: Are you kidding? Who do you think wears the pants in this family?

If you marry someone and don't know what they want, or they have lied to you about their expectations, I agree that there is an issue there and the marriage will be in trouble, but it's not a matter of experience. Whether it was deliberate or not, one or both of the partners failed to communicate.

Yes, communication is definitely important, but I believe that most of us don't know what we will or won't accept, or what we like or don't like until we've been around the block a few times.

I've been into enemas since I hit puberty (though I was in denial about for a long time), but I always said I was turned off by diapers. Then I met someone who was totally into them, and I decided to try it, for him. It turned out to be good kinky fun that I'm willing to repeat over and over. But I didn't know that until I actually did it. I would have done him a serious injustice if I'd promised that I'd indulge him in his fetish, and then found out after marriage that I couldn't stomach it. He was the same way about enemas.

My point is - I'm not sure just talking about sex is adequate to know whether or not you can have good sex with a person after marriage. I think we actually have to do the deed to figure that out.

My experience has been that sex is a skill like anything else: practice makes perfect. But I can't imagine how someone who barely knows you can do a better job of keeping you happy than someone who knows you like a book (as a dedicated spouse would).

Speaking just for myself, though, if my spouse were into diapers (or whatever...), I would go along with it just to keep her happy. I love sex, but I love my wife a great deal more.

I will apologize in advance for being crude here, but I think I am very demanding in terms of what I consider "good sex". Bottom Line: I know my equipment better than anyone and I am perfectly capable of producing as strong of an orgasm as my body is capable of if I want to. So for me, "good sex" with another person can't just be about the orgasm, because I can do that for myself. I think "good sex" is having a strong orgasm with the person who is really WORTH having a strong orgasm FOR. I am excited not just to be inside, but to be inside this person.

Call it contextual sex: having a physical relationship (body & mind) not just with the other person, but because of the other person. I can't get that by myself, and I can't get that by having sex with someone that I only have a superficial relationship with.

When I explode inside my wife, it's not because I am inside, it's because I am inside of HER.

Again, quantity versus quality, I simply don't believe that you can have that kind of experience with someone that you do not have an intimate bond with that goes well beyond a sexual bond.

You can communicate until the cows come home before marriage but it is no guarantee of what life will be like after marriage. People change! What a person thinks or wants in the beginning of a marriage and what they think or want latter in a marriage is not always the same. People change! All the communication in the world can not always solve the problems. People change! Sometimes the changes are beyond all the communication in the world.

Yes communication is important and some times it does wonders but it is not the cure all for all problems. Knowing your partner well is important but it is no guarantee of what the future holds. People change! {t may turn out you don't really know them at all.

Life is short and it goes by fast, get the most out of it when you can, it may turn out totally different then you expect. I don't advocate a wild, careless life style but saving every thing for some expected future situation, may turn out to be very disappointing.

Foresight is not insured.

HumblePatient, to reiterate what I said earlier this morning and to agree with AnneB, even if the communication is perfectly understood between the parties, but the two parties don't agree on how and what to do various acts, the sex will be lousy.

As AnneB said, you DO have to "DO IT" to know if you are compatible. Your skill doesn't matter. You have to want similar things and and be able to deliver them to your partner.

Your absolute skill doesn't matter. If I watched a video of two people having sex and I thought they were inept in their activities (yes, I do consider myself to be a worthy judge on the topic) but they made each other very happy while they were doing it, they WOULD be compatible despite poor technique.

Susie,

You are focusing on "skill" much more than I was. What I mean by "skill" is how well you know what your partner wants. I don't even necessarily believe that there is such a thing as "absolute skill" when it comes to sex. It all depends on how well you know what your partner wants (and whether you care enough about your partner to to give it to them).

And what would be the point of having sex at all "if the communication is perfectly understood between the parties, but the two parties don't agree on how and what to do various acts"? Given that as a pre-condition, I agree that bad sex is pretty much the guaranteed result.

Stubborn refusal to perform an act the way your partner wants you to, to me, is the result of having sex outside of a loving relationship, where both parties are primarily concerned with what is best for themselves, and are unwilling to make sacrifices to keep the other person happy.

Just to be clear: Not only do I not believe that having sex with someone is a guarantee of "sexual compatibility", I don't even believe that there is such a thing as "sexual compatibility". Either both people are committed to trying to make one another happy, or not. Sexual desire is not like a blood type, something genetic that is immutable and fixed. There is room for discussion and negotiation on trying to make both people happy (just like everything else in a marriage, it is all about compromise).

However, it sounds like this discussion is beginning to devolve into simply making assertions, and to me that means it's time to bail... So this will be my last post on this subject. (Not as if I have anything else to say anyway...)

^^^^ I'll agree to disagree on this.

Ok, so 1 more post and THEN I have nothing to say... 😃 Since everyone is chiming in against me, I think I'm entitled to show that some people actually agree with me: http://personals.aol.com/articles/2009/11/12/the-three-cs-of-great-sex/

One more for me, too.

You didn't pick an article to quote that really supported what you said. While the writer said you need to communicate, the author said you need to communicate DURING sex, meaning you have to DO IT to know if you are compatible.

Susie,

At some point, you have to DO IT in order to continue communicating about it (there is only so much to say if you have never done it). Doing it isn't going to tell me if I'm sexually compatible, because I don't believe there is such a thing. Doing it just gives me something more to talk to my partner about to make the sex better.

The writer is saying that communication is required to have great sex. If compatibility was the most important thing, why didn't the author mention it? In fact, the author says

"After all, no two people are exactly alike, and no two people get turned on by exactly the same thing every time. What you've got to do is communicate to each other about what it is that will make sex fun and exciting for both of you."

Great sex is a process that is worked out between partners through communication and experience. It's not something you can audition someone for like you are Simon Cowell on American Idol.

Here is an article that (in total) defines sexual compatibility in a way that I can agree with:

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/sexual-compatibility-it-s-more-than-just-a-couple-s-ability-to-have-great-sex-480245/

I think it sort of walks the line between our two positions, defining sexual compatibility in a broad (psychological/spiritual/emotional/physical) manner and saying:

"Granted, many people seem fairly comfortable with and open to having sex with someone that they’ve only just been acquainted with, but if you’re interested in a committed relationship, the hands on approach in discerning your sexual compatibility can often be disastrous. Based on my experiences and all that I’ve read, sexual compatibility is best crystallized slowly. This means, gradually engaging in open and honest communication about the subject.

As healthy and productive as open and honest communication is in a relationship, many people aren’t the least bit interested in discussing sex or sexual compatibility."

[quote author=HumblePatient link=topic=13642.msg298194#msg298194 date=1276336177]

Susie,

At some point, you have to DO IT in order to continue communicating about it (there is only so much to say if you have never done it). Doing it isn't going to tell me if I'm sexually compatible, because I don't believe there is such a thing. Doing it just gives me something more to talk to my partner about to make the sex better.

The writer is saying that communication is required to have great sex. If compatibility was the most important thing, why didn't the author mention it? In fact, the author says

"After all, no two people are exactly alike, and no two people get turned on by exactly the same thing every time. What you've got to do is communicate to each other about what it is that will make sex fun and exciting for both of you."

Great sex is a process that is worked out between partners through communication and experience. It's not something you can audition someone for like you are Simon Cowell on American Idol.

[/quote]

EXACTLY. YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

We are going to have to agree to disagree on this topic.

I never said two people didn't have to communicate, but you DO have to do it. There is a certain amount of chemistry between two people in bed that no amount of communication can develop.

For me, sex is not some holy grail that is to be saved for one or a few special people in one's life. It is more like tennis where there may be someone you enjoy playing with best, but some variety is good for some excitement and learning little twists to add to your repertoire.

My husband and I had sex with lots of people before and after we were married, but at this time in our lives (since a year prior to my becoming pregnant with our first daughter) we only have intercourse with each other, and NONE of the reasons is because sex is to be saved for one special person. The special closeness we share only with each other is when we bring our BRAINS into contact with each other and he and I can do that with our clothes on or off, in the same room or breathing over the telephone with each other.

It's MUCH easier to find a person to have a good time fucking than to make love, But, if you want really the best hot, dirty debauched sex, you have to do it to see if you are sexually compatible. No amount of talking can substitute for that.

One more thing, sex IS something you audition for EXACTLY like on American Idol. You have to perform to see if the audience (other person) likes the way you do what you do. No amount of describing your act to the audience will suffice.

I am fine with agreeing to disagree, but please don't try to reinterpret my words to mean something that I never said... I simply meant that there is no point in talking about sex if you know you are never going to do it.

[quote author=HumblePatient link=topic=13642.msg298212#msg298212 date=1276345044]

. . . . . I simply meant that there is no point in talking about sex if you know you are never going to do it.

[/quote]

That isn't how it works.

Two people meet, get to know each other over whatever period of time, have sex, THEN decide what if anything they want to discuss about their performances. They don't discuss what they want and then go to bed.

You should only date play doctors. He could have done an internal and checked for himself! 😄 😄

I lost mine when I was barely 18. He was an older guy and I wasn't really thinkin straight at the time. Other wise lookin back I wouldn't have done it. He wasn't a very nice guy.But I was horny and well....crap happens. LOL.

I was 18 and about to graduate from high school. My bf at the time and I knew that we would soon be heading in different directions so we had sex in the backseat of his parent's car. I had been using tampons for several years so it really didn't hurt, but it was unprotected sex and besides nobody had heard of HIV yet. I remember being scared to death that I was pregnant and counted the days until I got my next period.

This is probably a shocker for many folks, but I lost my virginity when I was 21. That's a late age for most girls, I know. It kinda hurt, there was some sharp pain when my hymen tore. And I bled a alot, but it still wasn't the traumatic experience some girls have though.

Whenever I am with a new partner I like to think of myself as a "Born-Again Virgin." LOL

Born in September, Virgo, sign of the virgin,,, Therefore, I am forever a virgin. However my cherry may be slightly bruised!

Cheers'

SkyBear

I am 27 and still a virgin. I have not had too many opportunities. I have only had one girlfriend and when we tried to have sex things didnt work properly. So I have only had oral before. The doctor says I have low testerone level and when I get a gf he will prescribe me some pills to help me.

Oh almost forgot to mention. I am single and on a couple different dating sites. I want a girlfriend and I really really want my virginity taken bad. So I am hoping for a woman to give me some viagra or something and then fuck me. If anyone is interested dont be shy and message me and please take my virginity.

I was 24 when I lost mine (although I had fooled around with guys and had a girlfriend before that) I wasn't exactly waiting, the circumstances had just never meant that it had happened before but I'm glad it happened when it did. It was kind of awkward and took a few attempts for him to be able to penetrate me and I bled a lot and I think if I had been less mature the embarrassment of all of that would have really put me off sex. As it was we worked through it and sex with that guy is still the best I've had.

I lost my virginity when I was 18 with my loved one. I'm still with him, and we are living together now. He is an amazing person, and I am glad that I've started my sexual life with him.

I will, in a few years, literally be a 40-year-old virgin. That is, if virginity is defined as never having had penis-in-vagina sex. If eye contact and a handshake feel to me like intense intimacy, I'm sure you can piece together why I've not lost my virginity. I do masturbate, but was a late bloomer with that. I realized when I was about 20 or 21 that people derive pleasure from self-touching. I thought this was something I ought to look in to. At first, the sensations I encountered were not unpleasant, but nothing to write home about, either. I wondered what I was doing wrong. Turns out, I just needed practice. I still remember the life-changing event that was my first orgasm.

To me, it's very easy. If a woman has not been naked alone with a man who is also naked, it is safe to say that she has not done anything sexually with her body with a man. This will erase any types of loopholes. So not just vaginal penetration, but also anal sex, oral sex,, blow jobs and so on.

That's a virgin-physically.

Now, the mind might not be virgin. The internet provides plenty of readings, pictures, erotic literature, porn and so on. She may have developed her own sexual fantasies, recognized certain fetish that she has, and even go as far as masturbating. Still, the facts remain, if she has not been with a man in any type of sexual act, or even just naked together, she is a virgin.