Life Gets Better, Chapter 4

Adrian Falls In Love

The other boys at my table got up and left for what they called the day room. They invited me to come along, but I told them I needed to talk to Lawrence. I don’t know why, but I didn’t go over to Lawrence’s table until they had all left the dining room. So it wasn’t until we were all alone that I walked over and put my hand to the chair opposite to the one Lawrence was sitting on and asked, “Can I sit here?”

“Suit yourself.” He said while not looking up.

After sitting I just looked at Lawrence’s half empty plate before finally asking, “Have you always been like this?”

“Like what?”

“Like all mopey and depressed.”

He was quiet for several seconds before he said, “You shouldn’t concern yourself about me. I don’t plan on being here all that long.”

Then it was my turn to be quiet. I was wishing I had tagged along with Gary, Charles, and Liam to the day room, but then it suddenly occurred to me to ask, “Do you hate me? Do you want to hurt me?”

Lawrence looked up to focus his eyes on mine before saying, “No, I don’t hate you. I hate me. I thought I already explained that.”

“Yea, well even though I just met you, it would hurt me real bad if you killed yourself.”

“That’s dumb.” he said, “You don’t even know me.”

“I know you good enough to know I like you. And I know you good enough to know that I want to be your friend. In fact, I know you good enough to know that I really need for you to be my friend.”

Lawrence glanced up to look in my eyes. I thought he might speak, but instead he stood, picked up his tray, walked to a garbage pail next to the door and dumped it. I followed along as we walked back to our room in silence. As soon as we entered, Lawrence walked straight for the phone, picked it up, and dialed “O”. After a moment of silence, he said, “It’s me, Lawrence. I’m back in my room.”

I didn’t know why he reported that fact to the operator, but I knew he was suffering a lot more than myself, so I just figured they were keeping a tighter watch on him. But a few minutes later a man in scrubs knocked, and then entered our room. He had two cups in his hand. He handed the smaller cup to Lawrence and Lawrence tilted it to his mouth. Then the man handed the larger cup to Lawrence and Lawrence drank its entire contents. And then Lawrence surprised me by opening his mouth wide and sticking his tongue out. The man in scrubs looked in Lawrence’s mouth, obviously to verify that Lawrence had indeed swallowed his pill or pills down. I thought I should mind my own business, but as soon as that man left, I asked, “So what was that all about?”

“Sleeping pills.” he said. “I think they think they can make me sleep through my wanting to kill myself.”

It was only 5:30 by that time, but Lawrence shed his clothes down to his navy-blue boxer briefs, and then slipped into his bed. I don’t know why, but I did the same, only I got in bed with my laptop computer. I wanted to go on line so I could check my Facebook page to see if anyone had posted anything about me being gay, but I was stopped by a screen showing three Wi-Fi routers, all password protected. At first, I thought about just putting my laptop aside, but then I got up and dialed “O” so I could ask the operator for the name and password of the hospital’s router. Surprisingly he didn’t hesitate to say, “It’s NewHorizons, and its password is Positive&Proud”. I selected the router, entered the password, and had my laptop remember it. Then I thanked the operator and returned to my bed.

My Facebook page came right up and I saw no negative comments about me being gay. That was a funny moment because I suddenly realized I didn’t care all that much what other people thought of me. My secret was out, and if my friends didn’t like the real me, then I figured they weren’t worth having as friends. Next, I went on the “BoyHarem.com” porn sight and when a collection of boys and young men fill my screen, I was surprised by the fact that Dr. Liston’s hospital hadn’t bothered to block such sites. I didn’t surf around. It just didn’t seem right with Lawrence in the room, so I turned my laptop off and decided to see if I could sleep.

I must have been tired because I was out like a light only five minutes later. I slept like a log until around 10: PM when I was awakened by low moaning screams. They weren’t at all loud, yet I could tell they were screams of terror. I immediately sat up and realized the screams were coming from Lawrence’s bed. He seemed to be struggling under his covers as if he were fighting someone while begging, “Please don’t. Please don’t make me take another one. There are no demons in my belly.”

At first, I thought he might settle down, but then he began to cry while begging, “Please stop, I can’t take anymore. Please I can’t make my boner go away.” And then he announced, “I do. I do hate myself.”

I suddenly feared for Lawrence, so I got up and walked to his bed. He was quiet for a moment, and then he cried out in a moaning voice, “Please, that’s enough. You’re hurting me. I can’t take any more.”

I couldn’t help myself, so I reached down and shook Lawrence’s shoulder while calling out his name until he finally opened his eyes. As soon as we made eye contact, he grabbed my arm and said, “Please, I can’t take any more. And I promise to hate myself, if you’ll just let me go to the bathroom.”

A sudden and strange feeling came over me. I may have realized I was gay by that time, but I didn’t know what love actually was until I bent down and took Lawrence in my arms. I hugged him tight to my chest, and then I kissed him. I kissed him hard and long with my tongue probing all through his mouth. Then while thinking his nightmare might be connected to his stay at the pray-the-gay-away place where he had once been, I pulled back and said, “I don’t want you to hate yourself.” Then, even though I wasn’t particularly religious, I went on to say, "And God doesn’t want you to hate yourself either. He made you just the way he wants you to be, and so it would be wrong for you to hate yourself.”

Lawrence just looked at me, and then all but jumped out of bed and ran to our bathroom. I heard a couple of small farts, but the toilet never flushed before Lawrence came out and said, “I’m sorry. It was just a nightmare. I’ll call the night nurse and ask for another sleeping pill so I won’t bother you again.”

While taking in his beautiful face in the dim light, I said, “No, don’t do that. I want to talk. I want to know about your dream.”

Lawrence just looked at me for a second, and then said, “Sorry, but I can’t tell you. It would just be too embarrassing.”

“But I have to know.” I said.

“But why?”

I just sat staring into his eyes for a few seconds before saying, “I have to know because I think I love you, and because I love you, I need to know what’s causing you so much distress