Life Gets Better, Chapter 3

Adrian Peralta Meets Lawrence Mc Kay

Dr. Liston personally walked me down to room 8. It was actually a nice room, seeming more like a college dorm room than a psychiatric hospital room. It even had a telephone, so I asked if I could use it to make outside calls. Dr. Liston said it was there for whatever reason I might want to use it. That was encouraging, so I felt better as he explained that the bed and cabinetry that was on the window side of the room was mine, and that my roommate was probably in the day room or library. Then he asked if I felt a need for medication to help me relax and feel comfortable. I declined, and he congratulated me for not needing such support, while at the same time stating if I felt anxious, I shouldn’t hesitate to ask for medication. I thanked him, and then explained that the only thing that was making me feel anxious, was the fact that I only had a hospital gown and a pair of paper slippers for clothes, and that I didn’t even have any underwear.

Dr. Liston smiled, and said, “You know, I feel like you are going to do just fine here, so why don’t you go ahead and call your parents and have them bring you a few days’ worth of whatever clothes you feel would make you most comfortable.”

I thanked him, but instead of leaving he sat at a table that was in the middle of the room and gestured for me to sit opposite him. Once I was seated, he said, “Adrian, I want you to know that I’m trusting you to lookout for your roommate. His name is Lawrence McCay, and he’s a real good kid. But you also need to know that he’s very fragile right now, so I’m trusting you to be supportive of him anyway you can. Do you think you can do that for me?”

This may seem strange, but somehow Dr. Liston’s trusting me to care for someone else made me feel good about myself for the first time since Rickie Di Angelo slammed my car door. So, I said, I don’t have a lot of experience at looking out for other people, but I promise to do my best.”

Dr. Liston then reached across the table and patted my shoulder as he said, “Thanks, I knew I could count on you. You and Lawrence will be in the same therapy group, so I’ll let him fill you in on our meeting times as well as our meal schedule and where our dining room, day room, and library are. But if you have any questions Lawrence can’t answer, just pick up the phone and dial “O”. Either the operator, or our day counseling staff, or myself are all here to help you.” Then, while seeming to look deep in my eyes, he said, “But at the same time I want you to remember that all of my patients are all here to help each other. I hope that seems right to you.”

So, once again, for the first time since dropping Rickie Di Angelo off after our tennis practice, my life seemed to be moving in the right direction again. Dr. Liston then stood and reached across the table so we could shake hands, and then while heading for the door he suggested that I check out my room, as well as our bathroom so I could give my parents a list of what I thought I might need for the next few days. That comment seemed to reassure me that I would only have to stay in that hospital for 72 hours, or perhaps a week at the most, so I was already feeling better about my situation.

Dr. Liston was only gone for five or ten minutes before my room door suddenly swung open without anyone having knocked. I was startled at first, but then I noticed the person who had just entered was a boy about my age. At first, he appeared sad and defeated, but as soon as I could see beyond that I also saw that he was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. So, while figuring he must be my roommate, I asked, “Are you Lawrence?”

He answered with a nod, and then asked, “Are you my new roommate?”

“Yea, I guess so.” I answered while knowing full well that was exactly who I was.

Then he asked, “Why are you here?” and I answered, “I don’t know. I guess because this is where Dr. Liston told me I belonged.”

“No,” he said, “Why are you in this hospital?”

“Oh,” I said, “I guess because I tried to kill myself.”

His eyes focused on mine as he said, “You don’t look like the kind of guy who would want to do such a thing.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that statement so I simply remained silent while he went on to say, “I’m here because I hate myself, and because I hate the people who hate me. So, if that’s too much for you, I think you should ask Dr. Liston to assign you to a different room.”

While keeping my eyes focused on his, I said, “That’s not too much for me. Besides, I don’t think I’ll be here all that long.”

Instead of answering he laid on his bed and turned his back to me. I just stood there taking in the back side of his body while wondering how such a beautiful boy could hate himself. In fact, I was so curious I wanted to ask him that very question, but instead I remained silent until the silence in the room became so overwhelming, I had to ask, “Do you want me to leave so you can sleep?”

He remained silent, so I said, “I don’t mind leaving if that would make you more comfortable.”

Only then did he turned back to look at me while saying, “No, this is your room too. It’s just that you can’t expect me to be good company. That just isn’t who I am.”

“Well Dr. Liston told me you would kind of explain the ropes to me, and perhaps show me around.”

“Yea, well right now all I want to think about is how I can end my horrible life and erase the fact that I was ever even on this planet.”

Having heard those words I couldn’t help asking, “But why?” I was afraid he was going to announce that he was some kind of serial killer, and so didn’t deserve to live. But instead, he said, “Because I’m broken beyond repair, and so I have no right to go on taking up space or breathing air.”

My thoughts were suddenly taken by a feeling of helplessness. I wanted to run from that room, yet I was afraid Lawrence might somehow find a way to kill himself if I did. So instead, I sat at the table and said, “I tried to hang myself yesterday, so I kind of know what you are going through.” Then while realizing I no longer want to do such a thing, I said, “But today I feel better about myself, so maybe that will happen to you too.”

Instead of responding to my comment, Lawrence turned back to face the wall before saying, “Yea, but I’m gay, so what’s the use. I’m going to burn in hell for eternity anyway you look at it, so why should I stick around if I’m only going to make matters worse?”

I wanted to talk to Dr. Liston so I could tell him how desperate Lawrence seemed. But at the same time, I didn’t want to leave my room as I still only had my hospital gown for cover. So, I walked over and picked up the phone. I heard an odd sounding dial tone, and after dialing my home phone number all I got was a fast busy signal. Then I looked to Lawrence to see that he was then looking at my naked backside as I asked, “What do I need to do to get an outside line?”

Without looking away, Lawrence said, “Just dial “O”, then give the operator your name and ask for one.”

I turned so Lawrence could no longer view my naked behind while I followed his instructions. Soon I was talking to my mother. She seemed both happy and relieved to hear my voice, but I wasn’t all that interested in small talk, so I got right to the point by asking her if she could bring me some clothes. But instead of telling me she would bring my clothes, she said she was going to have to clear my request with Dr. Liston, just to make sure he approved of me having street clothes. Her response upset me, so I told her I wasn’t going to eat until I had something to wear to the dining room, other than the backless hospital gown I was wearing that showed my ass off to everyone who was behind me.

To tell you the truth, I really didn’t know where the hospital I was in was, so I was surprised when one of the attendants showed my mother into my room a short time later. My mother had a suitcase full of underwear, shirts, trousers, shoes, and socks. She also brought me some toiletries and my laptop computer. I wanted to just thank her and send her on her way, but she grabbed and hugged me as if she hadn’t seen me for days. Then she told me how nice she thought my room was, and seemed to want to go on. But after looking over to see that Lawrence was still lying in his bed with his back to us, I stopped her and told her I needed to be alone, but that I would talk to her soon. Instead of leaving she grabbed and took me in another hug, and then whispered in my ear that she and my father loved me, and if I was gay, they would simply love me all the more.

All I could think to say was, “Thanks Mom, I needed to hear that. But I still need to be left alone right now.”

At 4:30 Lawrence told me I should go down to the dining room. And because he told me how to get to it I assumed he wouldn’t be accompanying me. There were fourteen to sixteen other boys there, all eating while seeming to enjoy each other’s company. I sat at a table with three other boys while wondering if that hospital also had a girls’ section. All of the diners were male, and seemed to be somewhere between the ages of twelve and twenty-five. Everyone seemed to be friendly enough, so I couldn’t help but wonder why Lawrence came so late, and then sat at a table all by himself. The guys at my table asked which group I was in. At first, I didn’t know how to answer that question, but then I remembered Dr. Liston telling me that I would be in the same group as Lawrence, so I reported that fact to my table mates. Then the boy who had just introduced himself as Gary, said, “Good, that’s my group. It’s group 3, and we can use another positive influence to offset Lawrence. He’s kind of a downer, if you know what I mean.”

Without thinking I leaned across the table and asked Gary, “So what’s wrong with him? Why is he so down?”

Gary leaned in close and quietly answered, “He hardly talks, so I’m not sure. The only thing I know about him is that he was sent to one of those church pray-the-gay-away places. And when he tried to kill himself, his mother had him transferred here?” And then Gary asked, “What about you? Why are you here?”

I stopped and noted that everyone at my table had suddenly stopped eating and was waiting to hear me answer Gary’s question. I took a moment to gather my thoughts before saying, “Well I wasn’t sent to any church place to pray-the-gay-away, but a kid at my school found out that I’m gay, and because I knew he couldn’t wait to tell everyone I knew, I tried to kill myself.”

Gary laughed, and said, “Join the club. We’re all gay, and we’ve all either threatened, or actually tried to commit suicide. Dr. Liston’s son was gay and he actually did commit suicide, which is why he opened this place. He actually thinks he can help us all to accept ourselves and go on to be happy little gay citizens.”

Then the boy who had introduced himself as Charlie, said, “You’re an ass, Gary. Dr. Liston doesn’t just think that, it’s what he actually does.” Then Charlie looked from Gary to me, and said, “Don’t listen to him, I think Dr. Liston is the real deal. He’s not only sincere about who he is and what he wants to do, but he’s good at doing it.”

Gary suddenly looked embarrassed, and the subject was changed. I looked around the dining room and marveled over the fact that everyone in that dining room was gay. At first it gave me comfort to know I wasn’t alone. But then I looked to Lawrence who was sitting all alone, and while realizing how sad he seemed I also realized he suddenly seemed even more attractive than when I first laid eyes on him.