“Ok, I’m going to feel your belly, and I need you to tell me if anything hurts.” “Ok” I feel him open the front of the gown to expose my stomach. He’s very careful not to expose my breasts, and he makes sure that the drape stays in place. I take a deep breath before I feel him touch me. It seems like he takes forever pushing in different spots. While he’s examining me, I watch his face. He’s so serious and is concentrating so hard, I find it cute and start to giggle a little. That seemed to break the spell it looked like he was under. He smiled at me and said, “Sorry, did that tickle?” “No, I was just watching your face. I think it’s cute the way you concentrate so hard.” “Thanks, I think. I’m glad that you’re starting to loosen up around me a little. I’m going to press on your bladder now. You may feel like you need to pee. Just take a few deep breaths, and I’ll be done in a second.” I nod my head, right before I feel him move the drape down to the middle of my pubic bone. He feels a couple of other places, then I feel him press down right on my bladder. He wasn’t joking about it feeling like I’d need to pee. It was pretty uncomfortable, but I just tried to take a few deep breaths like he instructed. When he was finally done, he closed my gown back up. “Ok, babe, you can go ahead and sit up for a second while I get everything else ready.” As he helps me up, I can’t help but think that that really didn’t sound too good for me. He goes over to the counter, and opens a cabinet and gets out an empty tray. He then rolls over a cart to put the tray on. With every item he places on the tray I can feel my heartbeat getting faster and faster. I can’t tell what some of the items are, I just see a lot of flashes of metal. He covers up the tray and then rolls the cart to the end of the table. “Why did you cover up the tray for?” “Because it looks like you’re going to hyperventilate as it is. You really shouldn’t see what’s over there, most of it looks a lot worse than it is.” “Then how am I supposed to know what you’re doing. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I still think I have a right to know what you’re doing to my body.” “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you exactly what I’m going to do before I do it, and if you have any questions, then you can ask them. There’s going to be some tests and parts of the exam that you’ve probably never had done before. I’ll explain them as I go as well, I don’t want you to overthink before I get to them.” “Are they going to hurt?” “I’m going to be honest with you, Nicole, some of them may be a little uncomfortable at times. But, I’ll warn you before and try to help you through them ok.” The whole time he was telling me that he never broke eye contact. It made me feel like we were in this together, even though he would be the one causing me pain. I just don’t understand why doctors use the word uncomfortable when they really mean painful. I guess they just want to put you more at ease, but it doesn’t help me any. He walks over to the end of the table, and I hear him mess with something. I then see that he was pulling out the stirrups. I hate this part! I almost start to panic. I knew it was coming, but it didn’t actually hit me until I see the dreaded stirrups. I was thinking about changing my mind, but then I felt his hand on my shoulder. “I promise you I’ll be as gentle as possible. You can trust me, and you don’t have to be afraid or embarrassed.” he then looks into my eyes to make sure I really am ok, and gives me a reassuring smile. He helps me lay back down, “Go ahead and put your feet in the stirrups and scoot down to the end.” While I’m doing that he walks over and puts on his gloves. I shudder when I hear the snap. He then sits on his rolling-stool, and rolls over to the end of the table, and turns on his light. “I need you to scoot down a little bit more.” I try to do as he says, while trying to make sure everything is still semi-covered. “That’s great. I need you to spread your legs for me. Just let them relax down.” I do as I’m told, but I’m so embarrassed. I can feel the heat of the lamp, and it just makes me feel even more exposed. I just lay there looking at the ceiling, hoping it will all be over soon. “That’s perfect! Nicole, you’re going to feel me touching you.” I first felt him spread my outer lips, and then the inner lips. After looking at absolutely everything, he said, “I’m going to pull back your clitoral hood, and make sure everything is ok there. It may be a little intense, but it will only take a second.” I felt him pull back the skin covering my little clit. I thought This isn’t so bad, not as intense as I thought it would be. Just when I thought that, I really felt him pull the skin back. It was like he was trying to expose every single bit of it. It definitely caused me to wince and to tense up. “Sorry, I’m almost done. I’m just going to take a swab from around it, to make sure everything is ok.” I could feel the swab, and it was very intense and scratchy. I actually jumped when I felt it. He finally let go, and I felt a lot better. “Nicole, next I’m going to check your urethra like I did you clitoris. I’m also going to take a quick swab there too, since you said you get a lot of UTIs. It might sting or burn a little.” I then felt him part my inner lips again. He spread me open right at my urethra. It felt like he was splitting me open there. After looking for a couple of seconds, I see him open a tube that had a swab in it. “Ok, darling, take a deep breath in and then let it out slowly.” As I did I felt him push the swab in a little, it didn’t go much past the opening but it still hurt, and brought tears to my eyes, I couldn’t help but cry out, “OWW! God, please stop.” By the time I said that though, he had twisted it and pulled it out. “I’m finished with the really uncomfortable parts, for now. I’m just going to examine the entrance to your vagina, then I’m going to insert a speculum and take some samples from your cervix for your pap smear. I’m going to take four total, just to be sure I get enough since it’s been so long since your last exam. When was the last time you had sexual intercourse?” That question would’ve been bad enough coming from any doctor, but coming from the man I’m fixing to go out on a date with, it was much, much worse. “It’s been a long time. Like almost two years.” “Can you try to remember if your last exam was before or after that?” “I think it was right after, if I’m remembering correctly.” “Ok, I’m going to also go ahead and have you tested for any STDs or anything like that.” “I definitely do not have an STD! I’m completely clean!” “Easy, don’t get your panties in a wad,” I interrupt with a smart, “I’m not wearing any!” “It’s just a precaution. I just want to make sure we cover everything. And believe me I can see right now that you’re not wearing any.” He actually smirked at me on that one, Which irritated the heck out of me, but I couldn’t stay irritated at him for long. “Can we just get on with this now?” I felt him go back to staring at me. He gently spread my entrance open and looked for a second. I then watch him take a speculum off the tray. It was just an average one, but I couldn’t help but remember that it had been forever ago since anything had been in there. He tried to warm it up in his hands a little. “I’m going to insert the speculum now. It might be a little cold.” I felt the cold steel pushing at my entrance, but it wasn’t going in. “Baby, you’ve got to relax for me ok. Take a few breaths.” I tried to relax as much as possible, but I don’t know if it was from where I was nervous, or from where it was so cold, but I just couldn’t relax enough. “I can’t.” “It’s ok, were not in a hurry. Just keep trying.” Finally after a few minutes of him keeping steady pressure on it, I feel it go inside me. It felt huge! I feel him turn it, and it feels like my muscles are trying to push it back out. “Alright, I’m going to open it now. Just try to stay relaxed.” I wasn’t aware that I WAS relaxed. I feel him start to open it. It was really uncomfortable but at least it didn’t actually hurt. I watch him pick up the thing that looks like a clean mascara wand. “Ok, here’s swab number one.” Luckily I didn’t feel hardly anything, maybe just a little tickle. This time I see him pick up what he uses for the actual smear. “Ok, here’s number two.” That one I felt, it was just a little pinch and then he was through with that one. I then see him pick up two cotton swabs. “Here’s the last two.” The first one wasn’t too bad. But the second one felt like he went in a little further than the actual pap smear. It was really quick though. I then felt him remove the speculum, and I could actually relax then. “You did great Nicole. I’m just going to insert a couple a fingers inside to feel your ovaries and your uterus.” I watched him dip his fingers in some lube, and gently insert them in me. This is so not how I pictured the first time he fingered me. I feel some pressure, and he stands up and starts pushing where my ovaries are. He looks up and smiles at me, and tells me I’m doing great. I smile back, or try to at least. When he’s through with that I feel him take his fingers out and sit back down. “Wait, I thought you were done?” “Not quite. I still need to do a recto-vaginal exam, followed by a thorough rectal exam. And then I need to make sure kidneys are producing urine like they’re supposed to.” “I really think we can skip the whole rectal thing, and I thought that’s what the urine sample was for.” “Sorry, we’re not going to skip the rectal exam. It’s very important, and I’m your doctor and I know what’s best. It’s been too long since your last exam, so I need to check out everything. The urine sample did tell me some, but not enough.” “If the urine sample isn’t enough, then how else are you going to check my kidneys?” “Don’t worry I’ll explain everything to you when we get to that part. Are you going to let me continue now?” “I guess so.” I heard him change out his gloves and get more lube. Before he had a chance to touch me I stopped him. “Wait, wait, wait. I can’t do this. I’m sorry. Nothing has ever been back there before, and I don’t want it to start now.” I took my feet out of the stirrups and set up. I felt my heart pounding. He just calmly stood up and took off his gloves, and put his hand on my shoulder. When I looked him in the eye, I could tell that he was concerned and wanted to make this better for me. I just couldn’t do it. “Nicole, this exam is really important. I need to make sure that everything is alright back there. I know it’s embarrassing and scary, but you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I’ll be as gentle as possible, and this part shouldn’t hurt it might be a little unpleasant but it shouldn’t really cause you much pain. Besides, everyone has to go through this at some point in their lives.” “Yeah, but I didn’t think it would be now.” “Well, now is as good of a time as any. Can you please trust me enough to get you through this?” “I’m just so scared.” “Will you please let me show you that there’s nothing to be afraid of?” After looking into his eyes for a few moments, I started thinking He’s right. I am going to have to have this done someday, and I do trust him. I would rather it be him than someone else. “Ok, I trust you so I’ll let you.” “Thank you. Just go ahead and lay back down and get in position while I put more gloves on.” I do as I’m told, and I watch him sit back down between my legs and lube his fingers back up. I feel him spread my cheeks open. “Ok, you’re going to feel some pressure.” I just closed my eyes tightly and waited to feel what I knew was coming.