Kink and Love

How much harder does it make to find love if you have tons of fetishes and plain vanilla is so boring that it might as well not exist?

I'm really afraid of the situation where I find "true love" and the house of cards, you built for so long, comes crashing down when he/she says "Oh my God, you're a sick pervert".

Life in a closet is always an option, but it's not something I would call life. It would make me feel like Dexter.

I would try to be as honest as you can about your kink as early as possible into the relationship to avoid having the aforementioned scenario occurring. I was very honest about my fetishes to my husband and blatantly told him after only knowing her for a few weeks. Luckily she was curious enough to try some things and I'm finding out he is almost matching me kink for kink.

If the person you are interested in care enough about you or think they might, they shouldn't go screaming off into the sunset. Believe me, if you chose to be in a plain vanilla relationship, those kinky feelings will bottle up and will express themselves eventually.

I have the feeling that your "soul-mate" wouldn't be your soulmate if they wernt into similar if not the same things.

Sexual compatibility is a huge part of the whole soul mate thing as well as interest.

Haven't you noticed your attracted to and attractive to people who have similar taste before you even know that they do, there are subtle body language hints as to the nature of the person your dealing with I believe that's what "first impressions" are all about.

People who are into BDSM have no trouble telling I'm submissive even befor they talk to me and I don't think I'm that obvious.

I was interested in/friends with my Master and boyfriend before I knew anything about his involvement in the bdsm community. I laugh now and tell him that there was something about him, some hint of his dominant personality that drew me to him.

I think being as honest as you can about your interests without being explicit is probably a good idea.

You should make sure you are open & honest and make sure you communicate well.

That is a very real and difficult situation. At this point you have to make a decision , the type of person that you want to be involved with, Is that someone who is very much into what you want sexually for the moment, or would you settle for someone who is more traditional. The choice is yours If you choose your way you might start looking in certain types of clubs as opposed to a regular bar/ nightclub. However no matter which way you decide, be honest with the person and see where that leads to you may be surprised

I don't have any expert advice on this, but it seems to me you pretty much have to be open about it sooner or later. So better sooner.

I once heard a true expert on the subject of marriage and relationships say (paraphrasing slightly: "Sex is only 10% of a relationship. But if it isn't good, it messes up the other 90%."

I think that advice of being as open as possible at the beginning is really valuable.

I think the posters above have said it all. If you're seriously into your kinks, how can you ever be attracted to someone who is not even open to experimenting?

Best regards to all.

Well, my only advice is : there's a way to "tell" things, too. I find it less shocking to the possibly-uninitiated listener to hear about kinks a little bit at a time. Allude to it generally, in self-teasing language, admitting you are a little chagrined and embarrassed. By all means, do not seem shocked or upset or regretful of your proclivities, and chances are, your prospective partner won't be, either. As you slowly reveal more and more over time, you can gauge the prospective partner's reaction, then hold back or divulge more. Slow and steady wins the race.

On the other hand, in defense of vanilla, there is a wonderful novella by Greta Christina called, "Bending." I believe it is in a collection called "Three the Hard Way." Similar to the protagonist in that story, I find that once a partner has satisfied my kinky desires once or a few times, I really don't need it as much any more. I am so excited by Her as a person after that, that vanilla is actually hot. Or some other activities that used to seem boring. The person becomes the excitement, not the act. Ain't love grand ?

I would find it hard ,i had to be a closet C/D with an ex so it was not very good and it hurt to the core of my soul and it ended us up apart. Being vanilla is not an option for me and i still have a few kinks i have not brought out completely .But better a few than a lot my fellow kinksters

For me the only way I can be is open and honest. Most of the time if you are open and honest from the beginning you have a better chance of the person excepting you and your likes. Always be honest.

As has been said -- open and honest is the only way to go. How else could you be with the love of your life? We are lucky that we have each other and love our mutual kinks. It has kept the fire going for a ... long time! lol

I've posted alot on this on other boards as well as on my blog, so if this is repetitive for anyone, I apologize. I met Mick in the chatroom on this site, and because, well, chat is chat, I was totally upfront about what I was into, and so was he. I'm into enemas, he's into diapers, and we both like to play with BDSM. It turned out we had a lot in common besides just being kinky. But because he knows and tries to understand my fetish, he probably knows more about me than any other person in the world. My advice is, that if you can find someone who shares your fetish, and you have enough in common to form a lasting relationship, that relationship has the potential to be the most fulfilling you've ever known, and it is worth waiting for.

Not always that they share your fetish, but they are willing to experience it with you. I don't do enemas(not yet anyway). I enjoy giving him the enemas and then playing with what I create.

This can be translated into other kinks. If you know what turns your partner on(and this works both ways), then participate with that. The benefits that can be made available could be unlimited.

I'll just say I echo a lot of the posts above.

You can find my most recent posts in the BDSM forum. My gf doesn't totally share all my kinks, but she pretty much lets me do whatever I want to her.. She's kinky too, so that helps. She loves being dominated, forced, pain (needles, paddles, etc), wax and bondage.

When we first started dating, the topics would just steer in certain areas at times.. I'd lightly bring up some things, but other times, I just had to lay it on the line.. Some people just aren't going to be comfortable going outside the norm. Some people will... It's all about how you two are as a couple. Plenty of times, there have been women that tried new things just because they trusted me to not make them feel weird about it. Or, try and have them open up to you.

I'll chime in on this by saying that alot of my new interests has happened after finding this site-although I know my spouse has no interest in this type of stuff-I have become more open to new things on here.If I had known about this site before I remarried I may have saved some frustration!I can't change my situation or him(trust me,I know from experience!)so make due with what I can do quietly.I applaud the others who have partners that can share their fun or were open to new things and willing to try them.I don't think it's fair to judge the ones who have to live secretly with this lifestyle because circumstances didn't go as planned or the opportunity wasn't there to grab.Whether or not we go outside the relationship to get what we need is a personal choice and one we have to live with...not an easy decision to take lightly.

We all struggle with something in our lives and this is just one of many choices we must wrestle with.I have been very happy finding new friends here that understand what I am dealing with so I thank them for their support however they give it.Sometimes just being there listening is just enough to make a person feel better about why we are here on this site.If I were to tell my spouse everything I really liked and that I was here I know it would make for a strained relationship if not destroy it and I can't make myself do that.I appreciate being able to be on here and venting like the rest of us can without fear of judgement!

It just depends on what is most important to you you have to weight the options

It's a no win situation. If you let it out early in a relationship you run the risk of scaring your friend off. If you wait until you are in a commited relationship or married and find out thre are few areas of interest then its too late.

There is no answer to the situation.\

A

If your relationship is based on trust, you should feel comfortable telling her.

Interesting...

I just had the situation of almost parting from my girlfriend because there was not much going on in our sexual life...

...to be explicit, there was no sex at all for about two or three weeks and it was very hard for me.

But I do lover her and besides the "boring" vanilla sex life we make a good team and are quiet a happy couple...

My GF doesn´t share all my kinks, in fact she is not very kinky at all...

She likes bodypainting and beeing touched smoothly... wow...

On occasion I really enjoy "soft" sex and I do get off on it... but of course not as much as I would get off on my kinks...

on some occasion she´s really up to try out some kinky stuff but that happened ones or twice in a month...

So we settled for two sundays in a month that will be completely devoted to try out kinky stuff of all kinds, in the mean time we go for vanilla...

Its not perfect but I am collecting my Ideas until the great day to try them out all at once...

But thats not all...

I asked her if she would be interested trying out the "dom"side and she was not against it...

So we developed the Idea of introducing a third party...

Since my GF is interested in both genders we had the Idea of another female sub that would serve us both try out the kinks we wouldn´t want to try on each other...

I´m not all to sure about this... and I´m afraid it could damage our relationship badly... but I´m willing to try and so is she... now we are looking for the right person which could proof to be difficult too...

Has anyone of you any experience with such matters...?

Yep, that's why I have special friends with benefits. They are in the same boat (sometimes my real boat.) >😄

[quote author=2ndEnasmuel link=topic=7913.msg330063#msg330063 date=1294238559]

Interesting...

I just had the situation of almost parting from my girlfriend because there was not much going on in our sexual life...

...to be explicit, there was no sex at all for about two or three weeks and it was very hard for me.

on some occasion she´s really up to try out some kinky stuff but that happened ones or twice in a month...

So we settled for two sundays in a month that will be completely devoted to try out kinky stuff of all kinds, in the mean time we go for vanilla...

Its not perfect but I am collecting my Ideas until the great day to try them out all at once...

[/quote]

Okay, I am going to say this and please do not take it the wrong way. I am just giving you some friendly advice from on old battle ax.

First of all, consider yourself VERY lucky that your girlfriend is even willing to try out other things besides vanilla sex in the first place. That fact alone puts you way ahead of most others here.

Secondly, you said that you almost broke up with her because she wouldn't give you any sex for 2 or 3 weeks. Well, if you are willing to break up with her over lack of sex for that SHORT of a period, then you have more serious issues to deal with than bringing in a third party my friend.

Again, you don't realize how lucky you are. Do you know that on average, after the first year in a relationship, most couples on average only have sex about 4-6 times a year? So again, you not getting any for a few weeks, you are still more fortunate than most, count your blessings my friend.

If you love her and you think she is worth whatever you feel is important, then turn your hand upside down when you "take care of business" so it will feel like she's doing it, if not, get out now and run like hell. Having to make personal sacrafices, meaning ones that are deeply important to who you are as a person to try to make a relationship work, this early on in one isn't a good sign, trust me here.

Hope this helps, and good luck.

Well I found out the hard way that talking about ones preferences too early made the other turn away. Doing it too late amounted to a greater waste of time. To all those who have a willing partner I say congratulations and do all you can to keep them.

To the others with vanilla as a partner I say live without your desires and die with regret or live without your partner and die with regret.

Best may be to find someone matching your desires first, then seeing if there is a chemistry or "love"

For me, I choose (or wound up with) living alone with the ability of having select partners live and/or travel with me on occassion.

Mash, Luvanal,

Youve been of very Great help to me.

Thank you very much, both of you!

I do Love her like hell and I will Fight to keep my relationship going...

And I seriously Hope that my darker desires will Be satisfied too on the Way.

We'll See how this is developing... And I'm sure this isn't the last time that I'm gonna tell about it here...

Thank you for your advice again.

Peace

2ndEnasmuel,

My pleasure, and I hope in some way I have helped. I wish more people would share things such as this with the board. I feel that living a life with our desires is not an easy thing to do. Life is hard enough as it is. We are all human, we are for lack of better terms, "pack animals". We need each other to survive and be happy.

We are all at different stages of our lives, and of our kinks. Many of us have felt very alone at some point or another, weird, or sometimes scared. Sharing how or what you are feeling, or some of what you are experiencing, what you may be going through whether it be with a personal relationship, kink related or other, at some point will help someone else along our common path who may not be as far along as ourselves.

I promise you that someone on this board will know how to help you no matter where you are at in your journey, and in turn, someday you will be far enough along to help someone who is now walking where you once were.

So remember, you are never alone here, someone is always further along in their path than you, and someone is always further behind you. The person ahead of you will almost always be willing to help you along, as long as you have the wisdom and foresight to share with us, and the person behind you will almost always need your help, and if they have the wisdom to share, someday you will be able to help them too.

Dang that's a little touchy-feely, even for me. Maybe I need a midol or something. lol

Diagnosis:

Symptoms - touchy-feely

Disease - The highly contagious and eye-watering Tou-fee syndrome

Treatment - enemas to clean the stuff out

As I allready told here before, my GF and I had planned to instate a hole day of kink stuff and sexploration...

So I gave everything and wrote down two possible scenarios, I may post them over here too if it helps or if there might be anyone interested...

The first one would be impossible, she said...

And the second one just wouldn't turn her on...

And that She would be sorry about it.

Thats all.

I told her about my most inner wishes and needs... And she's sorry but that wouldn't be happening...

I really feel wrong in this World now.

And pretty alone with my kinks and sexuality in general...

2ndEnasmuel ----- You went waaaay too fast.

You should have asked her for suggestions for a wild time, then told her a couple of tame kinky things you wanted to try and slowly work her into it. That would have given you a better idea of what she was expecting and was willing to try. As you found out, there are things people will not do, but you can often raise that threshold if you do it slowly.

For example, even though I would enjoy it, I wouldn't tell an enema virgin I have a 2cm diameter tube I wanted to snake a meter up his or her ass.

So many people seem to forget THERE IS ALWAYS NEXT TIME!

I asked her several Times what she would like... And its allways the same...

She likes to be touched gently... :thumbsup:

That is so vanilla...

I'm pretty tired of it.