Being a Victim of Sexual Violence Turned me Kinky

I've been a victim of rape 3 times and I strongly believe that shaped my sexuality into getting deep into Crossdressing, liking to be passive and role playing.

I think that being a guy made it tough to accept this reality as my last two rapes were at age 19 and 21.

The crazy part is: had my rapists just talked to me I probably would have experimented it.

And what's even crazier is sometimes I fantasize of a similar situation where I'm a willing participant.

Anyone out there on the same boat?

I've wondered the same thing. I was molested when I was 3 and 17, and I have strong desires to be dominated in sex (but obviously in a consensual manner).

Some people suggest that embarrassing medical exams or enemas they received when they were younger are the reasons they have grown to have a fetish of those natures. It would seem the same can be said for being sexually exploited at a younger age.

I personally feel that being molested shaped my sexuality in a lot of ways. It seems that generally powerfully humiliating/memorable/violent/etc. experiences have strong potential to manifest into somewhat of a fixation.

I've been a victim of rape 3 times and I strongly believe that shaped my sexuality into getting deep into Crossdressing, liking to be passive and role playing.I think that being a guy made it tough to accept this reality as my last two rapes were at age 19 and 21.The crazy part is: had my rapists just talked to me I probably would have experimented it.And what's even crazier is sometimes I fantasize of a similar situation where I'm a willing participant.Anyone out there on the same boat?

Would you elaborate on the circumstances and your ages at the times.

I have also been a victim of rape and I have also had the same desires to have that "happen" again, but in a controlled environment so to speak. Meaning, for example, of having Doc sometime "surprise" me and take me sexually without any warm up or previous discussion. Yes I know it wouldn't then be considered rape, but after thinking about this topic and why it is I desired such an event to mimic a previously somewhat tragic experience, I have come to the conclusion that doing so would somehow allow me to take back the control that was once taken from me. It's sort of hard to explain, but for tonight, that's how I can best describe it.

Mashie

Mashie,

I comprehend your desire completely and I hope you will have the chance to fulfill your urge, this in order to take back the control that was once taken from you.

Mashie,

I think that's exactly it! I would love to have the control, to know I CHOSE to do that and be able to enjoy it.

To Susie, I can share but I was wondering why you ask?

I can very much relate to what has been said on this thread. The abuse I experienced happened from early in my childhood until a few years after the onset of puberty. It would fit under the category of molestation better than rape. But still I have always wondered if my experiences as a survivor paved the way for my interest in kink.

[color=#000000]To Susie, I can share but I was wondering why you ask?[/color]

I am curious about your ages and circumstances of your rapes because it is very unusual to be raped three times.

Susie, can I send you the details in a private message?

I don't mind sharing, just don't want it completely in the open.

You're a reputable poster but I don't think some people that just came in here for a quick orgasm should read it.

Leah, send me a private message. It will be kept confidential.

I'm very interested in your circumstances.

This is a really powerful thread and I find it really interesting, too. But, it is not about titilation or kink for me, let me say that upfront.

Anyone who is thinking about working on these kinds of issues should read the book, "The Courage to Heal", and not when you are already in a crisis.

I don't think it's unlikely to be raped 3 times. If one hears the circumstances of the rape, are they then going to say, "Oh, ok, i understand, that kind of rape." If someone said they were robbed 3 times, would a logical response be "it is unusual, tell me your age and circumstances". Seems judgemental.

Sometimes, people who are raped hang in that type of environment. Sometimes they are targets.

Well I was in a hospital setting and lost my morals

I was raped repeatedly at 9. I won't say it "turned" me anything. But, experiencing anything that traumatic...especially sexually traumatic has got to impact your ways as an adult. I know I was fukin and givin head long before my friends were. I liked it. I'm still a very sexual person. If the circumstances behind my sexuality are my traumatic experiences then so be it. Either way...shit happens and it's horrible.

I do not surf around zity much but this caught my eye. I have a very strong feeling with strange disconnected images from very early childhood that suggest I was molested... probably pre school age... by a young female babysitter. I was given multiple enemas and rectal temps. I am not sure if that (if true) set up my later little fetishes but I can not be sure. I did not feel trumatized during that period since I really liked my sitter.

That's good that you didn't find it a threat or traumatic. I don't remember most of my abuse. I blocked the majority of it out. The shrinks say it's a defense mechanism for us. Especially kids...things they can't cope with...if the mind tucks it away then we can live around the memory. It's actually a very effective coping tool.

At the age of 7 I travelled by ship to South Africa from England with my parents. When the ship docked in Cape Town, it was there some days while heavy cargo was unloaded. A 'nice man' volunteered to go exploring with me - a small boy's heaven. But he was a paedophile, and chiefly interested in my penis, which he fondled whenever we were hidden from view (often). I thought nothing of it at the time, and he didn't manage to turn me on or I would have remembered that as being pleasant. In fact, I wondered what he found so fascinating about my willy. I didn't! That left (I think) no scars.

In my university days, a group of us went drinking, and when the pubs shut, found ourselves in the fairly agreeable company of some guys we met, who said, "Come to our pad, we've got private supplies." We went; and went on drinking. I passed out and was taken to bed and raped. While not entirely oblivious to what was going on, I was certainly paralysed enough to be unable to do anything about it other than try to push his dick out of my arse. I wasn't successful; but neither was he, despite jerking furiously in between taking dips in my bum. Also drunk, I guess. He never did cum. But a part of me actually liked it! However, when I awoke and he was kissing me, I discovered from my violent dislike that I was not gay at all. Was I abused? Yes, but...I hardly defended my honour, did I

That did not make me an enema addict. I was one already and had been for years. But I certainly felt pretty used and dirty afterwards, and an enema ASAP was in order. At the time I had never even had a girlfriend. Girls terrified me and I wasn't sure about my sexual identity at all. A negative experience, I now think it helped me a lot! It showed me that I'm straight AND anally aroused.

Johnny

What a horrible thing to go through, victims of rape often have a lot of psychological issues because of being forced to do something against your will. Although I have read of some people (mostly women) have described a fantasy that they were raped and I can believe that it might actually turn some people on to be completely submissive to someone, like if they were your "master" and you were their "slave." Like many things though, as long as it remains a fantasy it is okay, it's when it actually happens that it is not alright. A friend told me a long time ago to never be ashamed of your thoughts, you are able to think whatever you want, the one thing you do have to do though is to be able to control your thoughts and not turn them into reality if it's something that you know you shouldn't do.

As far as a victim from a previous molestation being the start of a submissive role I can see that. For me I was given enemas from a very early age up to about 16 and I think that really could be the base for my strong interest in enemas today and now as an adult I absolutely love taking my enemas!

I was sexually abused by my gran's boyfriend over tbe course of a couple years.

I too think that has played part in my likes and dislikes. That and finding and reading my dad's magazines under the bed.

I like to be passive and do fantasize about being forced to do things.

The first time I ever came was during an assault and even though I enjoy ( at some level) to be humiliated I can not cum. There is a mental blockage there.

Yes I think there's a connection for me too. Having experienced some abuse as a child and then later raped, I seemed to find myself in situations in my teens and 20s where men were abusive both physically and sexually. I was able to blank this stuff out at the time and protect myself from being traumatised by it but at a deeper level i know Its there. That said I have fantasised about being forced into sexual acts, even convinced myself it must have been my fault those things have happened to me.

I "met" a girl online who was very into medfet. She had been brutally gang-raped by several men when she was out jogging in a remote part of California. She had to have several surgeries and need medical attention for months. She attributed her interest in medical play to all the exams and procedures she had to go through - traumatic at first, but enjoyable by the end.

She attributed her interest in medical play to all the exams and procedures she had to go through - traumatic at first, but enjoyable by the end.

I'm glad something somewhat good was able to come out of a very horrible & unfortunate situation. Although I'm sure she'll continue to struggle with a lot of issues for a long time to come. At least there's some kind of positive take away, obviously not worth the price though.

Have you ever had any type of counseling? What you're talking about is a key feature of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Reliving a traumatic experience can include nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts, but also sometimes include people who RECREATE their experience. By doing the same thing over and over to recreate the experience again, we relive our experiences because it offers the opportunity to kind of have a "do- over". We get a 2nd chance at re-experiencing the trauma, potentially making sense of it in a way that we weren't able to before, and take control in a way that we weren't able to before. It's really common in women who after a sexual assault become very promiscuous.

I was molested when I was three years old (anally penetrated with a finger). Consequentially I had several GI and genitourinary complications at a young age, requiring several hospitalizations and medical procedures both on my penis and rectum. Since that time I am very anally erotic and completely into enemas, toys, etc and am absolutely infatuated with anal (both giving and receiving).

I am heterosexual but most would say I have a somewhat homosexual proclivity. I was molested again when I was 19 but didn't make it that far thankfully because I was proactive. I also agree that had I not been forced, I may have agreed to experiment. However that is saying that after I was molested at age 3. Had that not happened I might be as "vanilla" as everyone else. I have had sexual assault counseling. After sex do you experience shame, self doubt, isolation or feeling of alone-ness, self blame, or depression? The thing that sucks about being sexually assaulted is that even though it is against our will and is forced, it often feels good and pleasurable. It's exciting and dangerous. Our adrenaline rushes. We may even orgasm during sexual assault. It's very confusing to us. I think we even idolize our attackers in a weird way. I know your kinkiness is probably fun and good sex but if it's anything like mine was I get the feeling that there is also an emptiness that accompanies it. It's quite possible that the void that you seek to fill has more to do with working through your assault than sex. The biggest things to know regardless of what you do is that it was not your fault, you did nothing to deserve it, it wasn't right, you lived through it, and it doesn't define who you are as person or as a man.

...we relive our experiences because it offers the opportunity to kind of have a "do-over"...a 2nd chance at re-experiencing the trauma, potentially making sense of it... It's quite possible that the void that you seek to fill has more to do with working through your assault than sex.

I have a memory of being molested around age 4 or 5. The memory is fragmented and brief, so it's either false or repressed. But what little I recall tends to explain my kinks as reenactment pursuits.

Yes very much so ! mothers hate of my father who left her when I was one and the older I became the more I looked like him , starting at seven she had to have COMPLET control , enemas , holding and guiding to pee constant checking to see if I needed a enema , catheter when I couldn't pee on command .

love and hate of how I felt about being touched in the bedroom ruined my first marriage .

complete truth an honesty with my second wife led to 5 years living together and 34 years marriage until she passed away , she was the one to get me to join this site not long before she passed away . She got off on giving me the illusion of being controlled with out any real harm [ stripes on my rear etc. etc. ] I miss her still ,

Mother? have not seen or heard from her since 1985 and that is a good thing

I think my assault definitely contributed to what I enjoy and how I experiment. My mom was a nurse, and growing up, I heard all kinds of stories. Although she didn’t treat me medically most of the time, she was very controlling. That probably had a lot to do with me now, as well. I agree that some of what I do is recreating past events to assume more control, to “reset” in a way, and to work through how I feel. I don’t think it’s wrong, but unsure if it’s harmful.

Rainy

It's thought that you are on the right track.

It could be that now is a safe time to recreate and explore themes in a safe and controlled environment, to more fully appreciate and understand what happened in the past.

You are a bright woman; keep exploring safely...

Dr Welby

I think being raped multiple times and other abuse just brought who I am to a head. I am gay and I wish I didn't have to be raped to come to terms with who I am. My friend says that has shaped me into the kind and gentle person I am today. I sometimes fantasize and want to recreate being raped, I think I am worped at that. I think I was always gay just didn't understand it. I was lucky when I was 19 to meet someone in a video booth. We went back to his place had amazing sex and then he sat me down and explained to me where to go where not to. How to be safe. I was very lucky.

The statistics on rape of both sexes I believe is under reported as I look at this site here and think it is much higher.

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence

I was abused by the boyfriend of my grandmother for just over 2 years. I am not sure if this is why I am attracted to older men, I doubt it as I always got on better with people older than me and as a child I had not really got any friends the same age, appart from 1.

As Teen I experienced non consensual anal penetration , that certainly did not turn into a fetish, on the contrary.

But my desire to be humiliated could be as a result of the abuse for sure, also the result of the bullying I received throughout childhood from peers, sibling and mother.