As a gay total bottom who was married to a woman half my life (religious conditioning), i have several perspectives on this one. Like pretty much all things sexual, i don't think there is a standard 'yes' or 'no' answer to this, that it depends on the individuals involved.
When i was with a woman, sex was never 'right' for me (and i suspect for her either). i got good at oral with her. When we first married, it was all fireworks the first couple of weeks. We married as virgins. and orgasm came easily to both of us. The first time she did not orgasm, she broke down and cried telling me i didn't care. The reality is, i was clueless. i knew basic high school anatomy stuff, but realistically didn't no how to work her parts... but i learned, i was easily manipulated by tears lol. Up to then, it had all been intercourse, so this started me on giving her oral. That worked, it wasn't long before sex for her always involved multiple orgasms. But oral alone did not satisfy her, she needed to be penetrated and would literally grab my penis and shove me in, or beg me to put it in. We were together 31 years, and i can count on one hand the times she did not have an orgasm, and that was early on, the first months of our marriage. No matter what kind of approach, i trained myself not to orgasm until she did, i did not ever want to be accused of not caring again.
We did eventually get around to 69, but she did not like giving oral to me, and it was clear. Really, i think we were simple grossly mismatched sexually, not only was i gay, i am also total bottom psychosexually... and so was she. One of the most frustrating parts of our sex life for me is she never took the giving position, she was 110% receiver. She had very strict ideas of role, and it was my responsibility to give both her and myself pleasure. She would even put it that way: "I want you to pleasure yourself with me." That summed up her view on how sex should be. If she touched my penis or gave me oral, it was always just to arouse me and she'd stop as soon as i became erect and expect me to take over. In the thousands of times we had sex, she masturbated me to completion a few times, and never orally.
With this foundational disposition, 69 was not really a thing with us and i never experienced the mutual energy of each simultaneously trying to pleasure the other in that position because it was always my role to provide both of us with pleasure. She's the only woman i have ever been with, so speaking hetero, i have nothing to compare to.
It took me a long time to process out of my religious conditioning against being gay. It was never a matter of denial with me, i knew from an early age that i'm attracted to Guys, i just believed i was "broken, sinful, sick, etc.." Not all that uncommon for a gay guy from my generation. But i did process very thoroughly through it and came out with a lot of understanding and the process of de-conditioning was complete.
One of my major take aways was understanding how i am wired total bottom with a fair amount of sub. i subscribe to the spectrum theory of sexuality and know i am at the far end of the spectrum and i match up best with "Total Tops who have some Dom nature as well Who are at the other end of that spectrum. Again, i think sex is individually experienced, i know who and how i am sexually, and tend to match well with Guys who have reached that place in Their own life as well. Versatile guys don't tend to 'get' me because many don't seem to grasp that not everyone is versatile lol. Some do, and i have had some great versatile 'fuck buddies' Who understood and accepted me a total bottom sub and we only got together sexually when they were feeling Top. Interesting stuff. Some can choose and turn Their Top/bottom switch on or off, others need/want to have both with a guy. The former work with me, the latter don't.
lol... is anyone still reading this? i swear, for me, it's all part of the 69 discussion for me.
The 'urban dictionary' has an accurate definition of 'total bottom' where i am concerned. my attraction is to a Total Top Man. To me a Man/man with a 'cock' is a Man/man Who/who has the need/desire to use His/his penis to penetrate another person with... this is already too long a post, but i also see a Man/man with a 'cock' as having attributes like wanting/needing to create, control/be in charge sexually. As a bottom/sub i fit into the complimentary position of being the receiver of His penetration. It's as if i have a place in me that can only be filled by a Man who has the complimentary needs/desires to penetrate/fill/possess, etc..
i don't perceive myself as having a 'cock.' Sure, i know i have a penis, but it's not wired in me psychosexually as a "cock." i have met Total Tops Who want/need that, Who also do not see me as having a 'cock.' Some of them like to use my penis sexually, but not to make me orgasm that way, but to edge and make me horny for Their 'cock,' and that alines perfectly with how i experience my penis as well.
Retrospectively, i can see how similar (in a few ways) my wife and i were. She loved oral to get her to a place where she craved to be penetrated, but not as a way to orgasm, and i'm the same way. i've come to wonder if my sexual wiring isn't somewhere between male and female? idk. i don't perceive myself as female or trans, but it's like i'm a guy with a clit and a pussy, and there are Guys out there Who need/want that and we match up.
When it comes to 69 with those guys, they are not usually touching my penis, but rimming my hole as i suck Their Cock, and it can be a wonderful position when the chemistry is as described above. The only time i can connect to having my penis stimulated by a Man is if His desire/need is clearly to use it to connect to my need/desire for Him. Bluntly, the only Cock i have/desire/need is the one a Man gives me. It actually works really well because it's symbiotic, each get's what they need/desire, just by being who and how they are. So the sort of competition, struggle that some experience with 69, where one gets and the other gives, is not a factor. Both are getting and giving.
There's so much more to this, but i'll stop, sorry for the long post.