I discovered my anus and desire for penetration as a way of connecting with another male at age 7. Retrospectively, i can trace my bottom/sub nature all the way back to when i was a child. Of course, i knew nothing, nor did the boys i had crushes on, and nothing happened between us. i;ve shared my story elsewhere on Zity of the boy i had a crush on at age 7 who one day showed me an enema nozzle and excitedly explained to me where it went and why. As soon as i got home, still feeling His excitement, i found our enema nozzle and in it went.
I stopped self penetrating quite a long time ago. It feels wrong to me, incomplete and frustrating. i have come to see the reason as i'm so bottom/sub that i cannot even top myself lol. Only half kidding there, fantasizing someone else doing it as a part of masturbation doesn't work for me, i cannot fool myself that way anymore. Just me.
I've long had a desire and fantasies about having a Mans hand and arm inside of me. i've tried with various Guys about 15 times? idk, have lost count. I have a pic on my wall of a hand inside of me, and that is the farthest i have been able to get. To me, the pic looks like He is in farther than He really was? i did not have the feeling He was all the way in though. To me, it feels like skeletal bone that is impeding entry, but realize that just may be my perception.
What others have noted, about needing to be relaxed and trusting resonates big time with me. i'm a life long martial artist and yoga practicer, i feel i know how to breath and relax my muscles, but that is me in control. With most of the Guys i've been with, i feel we usually get to a point where They want in before i'm opened. Reading some of these posts, it seems several here have succeeded without prior training or opening? That it can be done in once 'session?' The pic and time i (mostly?) got a hand in was a Guy with 25 years experience and after several hours.
i understand the idea of stretching and opening on my own, but for me the whole idea is the connection i feel with another Man. For me, opening and stretching are as much, if not more, of the process. Psychologically, for me it's about Him opening and molding me, so i see 'fisting' as more of a long term journey vs a one and done event.
my most enduring fantasy is of me waking up one morning with a Lover and realizing He has His arm in me. lol, i know that is probably unrealistic, but it gives insight into my psychology. The notion that He has so much control and, we have the kind of trust bond, where He could penetrate and stay inside of me even while i slept, speaks volumes to me about connection, trust, control, bond.
i want to have a Mans hand and arm inside of me, but it is not just the physical event i want, but the whole process of establishing that opening and connection.
aaaaaannnnd, i feel like i'm rambling lol