Safety... Real time meet ups

You're definitely not the only only one, Tkdgurl. Quite a few of my friends here have told me about men messaging them and wanting to meet right away with little or no conversation ahead of time. It can go the other way, too. I've had people e-mail me wanting an exam but not really interested in getting to know me first. Either way, it's just not a good idea.

While I do not know of a magic formula for assuring both safety and discretion in real-time meetups, you definitely need to talk a good amount beforehand. Here are some things to think about:

1) Do you get the feeling that this person is honest and genuine? That doesn't necessarily mean revealing everything about oneself (especially in this type of forum), but if you sense deception, inconsistencies, and/or things that just don't add up, that should serve as a warning.

2) Do you agree on what you want to happen in a play experience? It's important to talk through the specifics at least once, preferably more. Just because someone says they are also into med-fet does not mean you're on the same page. What procedures does the playdoc want to do? Are those okay with the patient, or are some off limits? What will be the general tone of the exam? Are you keeping it very professional and clinical, or will it be eroticized/sexual? (And be clear on exactly what that means.) If the other person repeatedly tries to pressure you into something you don't want to do, that's a red flag.

3) Do you basically get along well? Can you talk about things that aren't fetish-related? Does he/she seem to be a nice person overall?

4) This isn't always possible, but if the playdoc has experience, can you speak with some of his/her previous patients?

5) This isn't an ironclad requirement, but it's a good idea to voice chat (e.g. via YIM, Skype, or phone) before you actually meet. There are things you can pick up about someone's overall demeanor and and personality when you actually talk that you just can't get over e-mail or IM. (I've had at least one case where despite many hours of IM chat, a prospective patient always found excuses not to voice chat; in the end I discovered she had been lying about many things and was not at all who she portrayed herself to be.)

6) Finally, when you actually do meet in person, spend some time together in a public place, outside the "exam room", just talking about normal stuff (although you can certainly discuss some fetish/exam stuff too). It doesn't necessarily have to be for all that long (for most of my initial meetings it was maybe an hour), but this in-person interaction is very important in giving you a better feel for who this person is and whether you're comfortable proceeding.

So far I have met three patients in person and have not had a problem. In each case, we had chatted for a while and discussed the details well in advance. When we actually met, I felt very comfortable with each of them, and I believe they felt the same way. As expected, things went very well. Now I have heard of some less ideal experiences people have had when something seemed amiss and they did not trust their gut, but so far I've thankfully managed to avoid those!

NEVER meet with anyone unless you are 100% sure you trust them, have taken up some form of references and have voice chatted with that person. YOUR safety is paramount, any doubt just don't do it. Personally I would never meet with anyone with whom I did not know exactly who they were and had checked them out first beforehand via various methods.

Take care, intuition speaks volumes

If you want to be totally safe all your life hide in your closet. Literally.

Life is all about taking calculated risks.

No amount of risk - calculated or otherwise - is worth it. If it's not right then don't do it.

When meeting for the first time, I have always asked for a 'safety meeting' at a station or coffee shop or other public place. It gives both me and my prospective patient a chance to sound one another out a bit and to be certain that we both want to proceed

Hi, Tkdgurl:

I think the advice given in this thread is VERY important. I think you will find that "most" men want to meet right away without knowing anything about you. My experience has been that they are horny and it's the stigma of this being a fetish site that leads people to believe it's quick wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am types of meetings.

For me, it's the (using an old phrase) courtship that is analogous to foreplay. The more time the man takes, the better I'm going to feel about the whole thing. Chats, emails, phone calls, webcam chats all help you both get a feel for the situation. And prior to the first meeting, if he won't be forthcoming about his personal details such as phone number or place of employment, it would have me thinking twice. And if he's not willing to meet in a public place so that you can both see how you feel about the connection, then don't go.

Listen to your gut instinct and always leave some sort of contact information behind about who you are going to be with, such leaving on your desk a letter in a sealed envelope that has his name, number, email address, etc. Or a friend who knows what you will be doing and having her check in with you or vice-versa.

I was able to meet someone from this site with the courtship mentioned above and we are still having lots of fun after four years now.

Sorry guys. No matter what you think, there is ALWAYS some risk.

Being comfortable in what you THINK you have accounted for does not eliminate all risk.

Being comfortable in what you think is the surest way to find trouble. Preparation and caution are one's best friends in any encounter.

The fact that there is always some risk does NOT mean you shouldn't go ahead and meet someone.

Sometimes its not all bad sometimes it works out. I'm married to my man I met from here and have never been happier. 😃

But I think one of the most exciting parts of an actual play exam is meeting a stranger and either receiving or performing the play exam and observing and experiencing the reactions, etc. I mean most everyone says they want a realistic exam, no? In my opinion that includes being intimately examined by someone you may have only seen the first time or at least barely know (no pun intended). Because how many times have you gotten to know your real doctor in such ways mentioned before in this thread? Did you have a 'courtship' with your real doctor before allowing him to examine you? Likewise with a playdoc.

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So that creates another problem. In this day and age the realistic exam by a newly met playdoc conflicts with the safety aspect because he is a stranger. Perhaps this could be overcome with the use of a common third party facilitator. Looking to the prostitution industry as an example, their solution to this problem is a 'facilitator' more commonly known as a 'pimp'. In the real estate business it is known as an 'agent'. In the blind dating venue it might be known as a 'matchmaker'.

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I have gone through PMs with a few finicky female's here I would assume towards a happenstance goal of meeting for a playexam (and no I am not interested in sex--I am a medfet purist, thank you) and they ask so many questions about what I am going to do, etc, etc, blah blah blah that I grow tired in thinking that if an actual exam were to occur it would be so predictable and boring. I lose interest and actually don't have any desire to want to go further with them. On the other hand, I met a gal in the health profession at a facility who had lunch with me while I was working there and we hit it off real well. One thing led to another and in short we had a perfect realistic initial play exam later that was spontaneous and unpredictable! We went on to have others later but they were not as good as the first. I perhaps added some new twists but after all an exam is an exam. A real doctor goes through a methodology and it is repeated all day, just different patients.

Alex2 said:-

........Perhaps this could be overcome with the use of a common third party facilitator. Looking to the prostitution industry as an example, their solution to this problem is a 'facilitator' more commonly known as a 'pimp'. In the real estate business it is known as an 'agent'. In the blind dating venue it might be known as a 'matchmaker'....

And therein lies the problem Alex. A pimp, an agent or a matchmaker, depending on the 'industry', has a primary goal, and that goal is monetary reward, especially of course in the case of the pimp.

Of course, even the pimp would want an oversight into the safety and protection of those he pimps for. After all he wants to preserve the money stream - but in the case of every type of facilitator it remains his secondary consideration.

Meeting others in 'our' industry is far better served by referees. In the case of this site referees should be those who have met with the playdoc previously and a first hand contact is essential, rather than a simple statement that others have met with them.

Other aspects of securing safety are discussed in the last few paragraphs of my Blog of 21.07.2009 - yes, its an aged Blog now - but still valid.

As a male, I'm still hesitant about face-to-face meetings.

Yes, I'd do it. All of the safety comments are valid. But there is an additional risk -- that despite the preliminaries, the physical chemistry may not be right. And thus what had been a positive on-line experience ends.

All the aforementioned "agents" [real estate agents, pimps, etc], even when you [the buyer] hire them, have the SELLER'S best interest at heart because they make their money at the SALE.

I'm actually currently planning on meeting up with someone to play. I plan on going to have coffee with the lady before hand just to get comfortable and make sure I'm not just being punked!

My biggest fear that has stopped me from meeting is that exactly, I would die of embarassment if I were being led on and don't want to put myself in that situation. I have to be very comfortable around someone.

Hi new to this 51 year old bi guy looking for a meet.... email details on request

As far as "finicky females," most women prefer to know what's being done to them, and how vulnerable they will be when playing with a strange person. If that makes someone "bored," then that's their problem. Safety is more important than a stranger's tender little feelings.

When I meet somebody-met, past tense, as I don't do it much anymore, and it's going to be more than just a friendly lunch in a public place, I take a selfie of us together...usually with the license plate from their car in the background. Male, female, nb/what have you, doesn't matter. I send it to a friend, with the stipulation to please call and check on me if I don't call/text within a set time frame. If the person objects to this, the meeting is over, and I go home. The objection there tells me that they are more worried about their perceived appearance/reputation than my physical safety. That's not the kind of person I want to trust with my well being, especially in the tumultuous atmosphere that is BDSM.

If a guy has a bad date, it's usually just that; a bad date. If a woman has a bad date, there's a good chance she will wind up assaulted or worse. I'd like to live, thank you.

@ squishygator

Excellent advice !!!!!!

Anyone here on zity , who is thinking abut "meeting up" with a stranger should read your post and follow your advice.

I have never had a real life meet up but i'd be willing to. I would suggest to have something signed, a mutual agreement of consent as well as detailed what is going to happen. And then yes i would take a photo with that person, very smart idea. Good suggestions

I have had real time meet up before in the past and i have been led up the garden path so to speak.

the way i do it now is that they have to communicate through the website and then when i feel comfortable i will give out my email which i have set purely for this and then take it from there, such as like others have said meet in a mutually convenient location and have a coffee and chat i would normally take a friend with me and get them to stay close by, i would request a photo of the person i meet so that i know that it is them.

Once you get to know someone by chatting on the phone and on line and E-mail exchanges and you think you want to meet here is what you do.

1. Meet in a public place. { like Dunken Donuts, Starbucks, or a local resturant}.

2. After talking face to face for a while you should be able to tell if it will be okay to play with this person.

3. Set ground rules as to what and how you want to do scenes. Including having a safe word....VERY IMPORTANT..

4. Be sure you call a safe person. Someone who will check up on you if you don't check in with them after a certain time period. ...THIS TOO IS VERY IMPORTANT.

5. Be sure the safe person has an address where you will be playing.

6. If sex is going to be involved it may flood so be sure someone wares rubbers.

7 once these are in place. HAVE FUN.!!!

These are all really good suggestions, thanks everyone!

Before I met someone in real life I use to have a few online roleplays to see what the patient likes (or otherwise for the patient to find out what the doctor likes). If the other person is not into online roleplays then a lot of talking needs to be done. Each person needs to know exactly what the other one likes to be done.

Then talking on the phone or even better by Skype is not a bad idea. This way you get a way better feel of how the other person behaves.

And if possible, let someone else call you during the meeting. Make up some kind of "code word" with the caller, so the person who is calling you knows you are in danger when you say that word.

Meeting in a public place for a non-sexual thing is also good. Another thing to consider... a code word to show you're not in trouble. Sort of a two-way test, just in case.

I move slow.

I've never had a meet up but I would want to establish a relationship via email then meet in a public place (e.g., coffee shop). That way, either party could call it off if they didn't feel comfortable.

First time meet ups can be tricky or downright dangerous if much is not established in advance. I've had just a couple of real life meetings. One has gone well - a genuine person who shared true verifiable real life details. One has not gone well - fortunately my radar kicked in and I opted for a coffee shop initial meeting. He did not have any real contact info for me (my phone number etc) and I was thankful I had not given it to him. Email is deleted and ignored easily enough in his case - the kind of guy who gave me the creeps even at a coffee shop so definitely NO future in any further contact. (Not a zity member as far as I know and I suspect he might have found himself ejected by moderators in short order if he ever was here.) Even when I went to meet my future husband in person (we knew mutual friends) after lots of email, chat and phone conversations over several months, I made sure my sister and my friend has his contact name and info just in case I vanished off the face of the earth. I did not vanish thankfully and married the guy about 18 months later - that was almost 20 years ago! Word of free advice - Get your radar out and tuned up. Be sure to check out a person before ever meeting them. If they can't be honest with you as you continue to chat, you just may be wise to save yourself the hassle! No one needs to be connected to someone badly enough to be stupid about initial meetings.

Great advice here. I just had my own thought for a be great location for a 1st time meeting in a public place. A Hospitial! So more specifically a Hospitial cafeteria, coffee shop or even a main lobby. There’s always security around and plenty of cameras. If something is off it could be easy to head home. Plus what a better way to get the creative juices going! Most bigger hospitals have so many people walking around during the day that no one would bat an eye. Anyway just my two cents. Stay safe!

I have done personal meet ups several times. They have begun with at least one meeting in a public place. Like any new personal relationships I think it is important to get to know each other and get comfortable with each other. All of these meet ups went well. Al resulted in the ladies receiving enemas from by their own choice. One was local, the rest were out of town.

A good, safe, time was had by all.

I have met one person from zity on the outside. But before i did we spoke frequently on the hangouts phone and discussed many things, not just sexual things. I met him many times in a 3 month period for appetizers, dinner or lunch. He did not push me and finally, i decided i wanted some alone time with him. I also did a background check on him and everything he had told me was true. We see each other every couple of weeks and its not always sexual. Thats usually weekly but i do meet him for dinner and conversation frequently. This will never be serious he knows that but i do enjoy his company as he enjoys mine. If im chatting with someone and he insists on meeting alone right away i run quickly. And never post my picture or use skype. My motto is be cautious and patient and if hes not patient, im not interested.

Unfortunately there are members here that think they can email you once and then meet you the next week for a play date. Come on boys, it doesn't work that way. To do it right takes months of emails and calls and you should know both partners inside out before you ever think about going there. Go slowly and stay safe. I'm sorry that as a female member you will be subjected to members that have no clue how to act civilized. On behalf of the zity community let me assure you not everyone is like that. Have fun, stay safe.