Examination | Choosing between mother and n…

Views: 1734 Created: 2022.03.30

First post

A mom wrote into a parenting advice column asking if she was justified in making her son have a female nurse as a chaperone for his “very thorough” physical instead of herself.

Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a single mother with a 12-year-old son with whom, thankfully, I have an excellent relationship: he happily talks to me about everything. My question concerns his annual physical. He has been seeing the same wonderful pediatrician since he was a baby, and he is very comfortable with her. Last year, I thought it might be time for me to give him privacy with her during his check-up (the doctor is very thorough!), so I told him to go on ahead while I remained in the waiting room; after the exam, the three of us sat in her office and talked.
I was planning on doing the same thing this year, but when I told him I’d made the appointment, he asked if I would go with him into the exam room this time. Apparently, the office has a policy of requiring a chaperone during genital exams, and since I was not there last time, a nurse came in and observed. He said he was embarrassed by her presence. This was compounded by the fact that the doctor is, as I’ve said, very thorough and doesn’t try to hide what she is doing from whoever else is in the room. My son says he’d be much more comfortable if that observer were not a stranger. I am trying to decide what to do. I’ve asked friends for advice, but they are split. Some say go ahead and go in with him—do whatever makes him comfortable; others say that I should continue to give him his privacy as he is growing older, even if he says he wants me to be there.
—Turn and Cough Conundrum
Dear TaCC,
Your son didn’t ask you to give him privacy last year—you decided it was time for it. Which I understand (so much of parenting is a guessing game!). But it turns out you were mistaken on several counts: he did not want privacy (from you), he did not in any case have privacy with his doctor, and (I am sorry to have to be the one who tells you this) he does not talk to you “about everything.” He kept silent for a whole year about how embarrassed he was at his last appointment. Since he isn’t quite as forthcoming as you supposed (and maybe this has changed as he’s grown older; maybe he used to tell you everything that was on his mind and his reticence is a signal that he is growing up), you may have to ask more questions.
Don’t be surprised if he isn’t always willing to answer, or answer fully. But my guess is that he will let you know when he wants the privacy you offered a year ago. I remember the first time my daughter turned to me as her name was called in our pediatrician’s waiting room, and I reflexively stood up, too, as I had all her life. She was matter-of fact about it: “I’m OK to go in by myself while you wait here.” (You are way ahead of me, because this took me by surprise.) But I will also mention this, gently: Are you sure it was your son you were trying to protect last year? Your mention of the doctor not hiding “what she’s doing” makes me wonder whose discomfort is really at stake. Avert your eyes during any part of the exam that makes you uncomfortable. But do accompany him into his exam this year, if he says that’s what will make him more comfortable. Don’t make any assumptions about next year. He’s moving into a time in his life when things change rapidly.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/10/blending-families-parenting-advice-care-feeding.html

Maragrath

Given the choice I would happy pick my mother. I know some pick others but at least I know my mother cares for me and is not there as they have to be.

pear17

I would prefer my mother too. But where it was about stripping naked, I would be better off with a man. I wasn't shy about men at all.

GraceT

My mother was in the room for all my exams through age 17. I hated it. Wish it had been a nurse instead.

EmmaX

My mother only came in for my first gyno exam when I was 14. After that, I was alone with the doctor, sometimes there was a nurse.

roscoe

I think it's a very lucky mom and son who have that relationship. Let him decide when he's ready to have someone else there.

Reman

When I was growing up, I'd rather it be a nurse. My mother was always on my pediatrician check-ups until I was 15. I didn't like it because I felt like a little baby being examined in front of my mother. I wasn't ashamed to be undressed in front of my mom. I wish there was only a doctor in the doctor's office. I'd rather have a nurse than my mother. When my mother saw me naked at home during this period, I was not ashamed or humiliated. I really didn't like it in the doctor's office.

Jimmybobo

I did, and would still, pick my mother. At first it was awkward standing there completely naked in front of her and the doctor, but that passed.

mike45

A mature older Nurse, hell she can even help with the exam. 😉