Choosing between mother and nurse as a chaperone for physicals

A mom wrote into a parenting advice column asking if she was justified in making her son have a female nurse as a chaperone for his “very thorough” physical instead of herself.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a single mother with a 12-year-old son with whom, thankfully, I have an excellent relationship: he happily talks to me about everything. My question concerns his annual physical. He has been seeing the same wonderful pediatrician since he was a baby, and he is very comfortable with her. Last year, I thought it might be time for me to give him privacy with her during his check-up (the doctor is very thorough!), so I told him to go on ahead while I remained in the waiting room; after the exam, the three of us sat in her office and talked.

I was planning on doing the same thing this year, but when I told him I’d made the appointment, he asked if I would go with him into the exam room this time. Apparently, the office has a policy of requiring a chaperone during genital exams, and since I was not there last time, a nurse came in and observed. He said he was embarrassed by her presence. This was compounded by the fact that the doctor is, as I’ve said, very thorough and doesn’t try to hide what she is doing from whoever else is in the room. My son says he’d be much more comfortable if that observer were not a stranger. I am trying to decide what to do. I’ve asked friends for advice, but they are split. Some say go ahead and go in with him—do whatever makes him comfortable; others say that I should continue to give him his privacy as he is growing older, even if he says he wants me to be there.

—Turn and Cough Conundrum

Dear TaCC,

Your son didn’t ask you to give him privacy last year—you decided it was time for it. Which I understand (so much of parenting is a guessing game!). But it turns out you were mistaken on several counts: he did not want privacy (from you), he did not in any case have privacy with his doctor, and (I am sorry to have to be the one who tells you this) he does not talk to you “about everything.” He kept silent for a whole year about how embarrassed he was at his last appointment. Since he isn’t quite as forthcoming as you supposed (and maybe this has changed as he’s grown older; maybe he used to tell you everything that was on his mind and his reticence is a signal that he is growing up), you may have to ask more questions.

Don’t be surprised if he isn’t always willing to answer, or answer fully. But my guess is that he will let you know when he wants the privacy you offered a year ago. I remember the first time my daughter turned to me as her name was called in our pediatrician’s waiting room, and I reflexively stood up, too, as I had all her life. She was matter-of fact about it: “I’m OK to go in by myself while you wait here.” (You are way ahead of me, because this took me by surprise.) But I will also mention this, gently: Are you sure it was your son you were trying to protect last year? Your mention of the doctor not hiding “what she’s doing” makes me wonder whose discomfort is really at stake. Avert your eyes during any part of the exam that makes you uncomfortable. But do accompany him into his exam this year, if he says that’s what will make him more comfortable. Don’t make any assumptions about next year. He’s moving into a time in his life when things change rapidly.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/10/blending-families-parenting-advice-care-feeding.html

So he was 11 a year ago when she did this? That is way too young. Of course he wanted his mom to stay.

So he was 11 a year ago when she did this? That is way too young. Of course he wanted his mom to stay.

There is nothing ‘of course’ about it.

I hated how my mother always had to be present or observe goings-on at the doctor (or other situations). I did not like being treated like a (potential) cry-baby who ran to his mommy for every little upset and discomfort or unusual situation.

This applied to other situations as well. Looking back and thinking on this, I suppose I thought it an insult to my dignity that she (or other older people) thought they had to treat me as an immature kid. I really really disliked being watched over by adults.

I love my mom, but I would 100% rather have her not in the exam room (since I was in middle school).

@agracier and @Newbie35 Understanding that you didn't want your mom in the exam room, but that means you would prefer a nurse instead? Where some chaperone is non-negotiable, and it can't just be the doctor in the room, a nurse is better than mom at age 11? Definitely not the case for me, but I'm trying to understand if this is what you are saying.

@agracier and @Newbie35 Understanding that you didn't want your mom in the exam room, but that means you would prefer a nurse instead? Where some chaperone is non-negotiable, and it can't just be the doctor in the room, a nurse is better than mom at age 11? Definitely not the case for me, but I'm trying to understand if this is what you are saying.

Yes, anyone would be better than my mom or family member. So yes I would have preferred a nurse or whomever.

Consider: once the exam or whatever is over, you'll probably never see that nurse/chaperone/person again, or only very rarely. But if your mother or family member were present, then you would never be rid of them if something were to happen, say like crying from pain or having to expose yourself in an embarrassing manner. A family member is not someone you can ignore or never see again. They will be with you until you move out and anything potentially embarrassing will be in their memory to be trotted out when it serves them, even when they are in their 80s …

If something embarrassing is potentially going to happen, I would not wish for a family member to witness it, no matter how much a mother is supposed to care about or love you. It ends up being emotionally suffocating and a sort of (minor) embarrassing threat hanging over your head.

I learned the value of compartmentalizing and keeping secrets early on. Knowledge is power and a smart person doesn't wish for one person to have too much knowledge or power over themselves.

As I said, I love my mom. She is amazing. She was just REALLY overbearing at the doctors visits I went to. I felt more independent. I could ask questions without someone asking questions for me.

I would definitely pick my mother over any other female chaperone.

it would be embarrassing but I would still pick her

For one thing I felt safe with her and knew she was t judging me

in addition, she had seen me naked many times before Changing diapers and bathing me when young at physicals when older. I would find having her see me yet once again would be less embarrassing than having a new person see me.

Just my thoughts.

I would definitely pick my mother over any other female chaperone.

For one thing I felt safe with her and knew she was t judging me

I am assuming you meant to write 'she was NOt judging me'.

In that case, I can't think of anyone who does more judging than a mother (or father). They are always judging you, from the day you're born until the day they die, even when you are on your own and married. They judge you because they care. Often they care too much or in the wrong manner. It's a stranger whom you'll probably never see again who are doing it as a job only who won't judge, because they don't care. You'd be just another forgettable person they come across during a workday. And because you are unknown to them personally, they can be detached and do their job impartially.

It's personal preference to want or not want certain people in the exam room. I don't want anyone I know personally (as of now) Also, I learned what questions to ask, how to bring up concerns by going in alone.

I guess I was lucky. After I turned 10 I got to see the doctor alone. I definitely preferred it that way. The doc would always talk with Mom afterwards so she was kept informed.

But to the question, as a kid I would have preferred the chaperone if it was a requirement.

So how to cope with a doctor who specifically requires a parent, not another chaperone, through age 17, like the one here?

https://en.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;msg=940824

She specifically mentions boys with driver's licenses, so she means parents are present for the genital exams of sixteen and seventeen year olds.

Is it that unusual? It seemed normal when I read it. I'm guessing things have changed over time, but I think they also must vary regionally or urban/rural.

I remember at the start of my sophomore year of high school, a new guy transferred in from a much bigger city in another state, and we became fast friends. He was unique in that he came from a state where you could get a driver's license at 15, but in our state, the age was 16. So nobody in our class was driving yet besides him, as his out of state license was honored in our state. He was very athletic – I think he wanted to be Jean Claude Van Damme, because he did martial arts and could do full splits and kick way above his head and stuff like that. But in our rather traditional US Southern school, the wrestling team was what he was trying out for, since he was not a big guy.

One morning, he came in and nobody else had showed up to the classroom yet, so he asked me quietly whether my mom came to my annual physicals, and I replied yes. He asked if she stayed the whole time and whether the doctor pulled down my underpants, and I again said yes, not understanding where he was going. He then told me that his mom had not been to any of his physicals since he was 12, and all of a sudden at 15 this new doctor he went to for his physical to try out for wrestling required she be there, including for the hernia check.

I told him that I thought it was normal for moms to attend boys' physicals. Indeed, my mom would attend my next one a few weeks later, just after I turned 15, and again one a year after that, on my 16th birthday. Not sure if he compared notes with any other guys, but if he did, they must have given him similar answers, because he didn't come back to me to say my doctor was weird. I think we all just had doctors like the one in the link above.

No two people or situations are exactly alike, but maybe that boy was like me and he wanted to have his mom see his "very thorough" physical. I loved the excitement I saw on my mom's face every year when I was being stripped naked and seeing her broad smile and look of pure joy as she locked her eyes on my bare penis and testicles. And her great happiness when she got her first glimpse of the pubic hair that had started to grow above my boy parts, and then a few moments later seeing her ecstasy as my penis got erect and squirted semen.

@spbb I would suggest a doctor who treats adolescents. Otherwise, I would look for a doctor who does not require a parent or chaperone.

With my kids I either left the room or turned around. The choice was theirs. They always wanted me in the room but always chose one or the other above mentioned options when they needed privacy. Kids are human beings too. They deserve respect.

No two people or situations are exactly alike, but maybe that boy was like me and he wanted to have his mom see his "very thorough" physical. I loved the excitement I saw on my mom's face every year when I was being stripped naked and seeing her broad smile and look of pure joy as she locked her eyes on my bare penis and testicles. And her great happiness when she got her first glimpse of the pubic hair that had started to grow above my boy parts, and then a few moments later seeing her ecstasy as my penis got erect and squirted semen.

I think it's normal for a mother to be proud of the development of her boy's genitals, except for my wife😞. It wouldn't have bothered me a bit if mine had kept in good visual/physical contact with my body growing up. The only reason she stopped bathing me and retracting my foreskin when she did was because my father objected to it. I remember feeling a terrible sense of loss of closeness with her because of that. If he had not objected I think I would have been fine with her washing and touching me even longer.

Don’t ever recall either parent or a chaperone being in the room with me for a doctors exam or appointment except once or twice when I needed stitches. If I had to have one, I would have picked a nurse over my mother - someone who wouldn’t ask stupid questions!

Son says he would rather have some not a stranger. So have his father go. If it has to be Mom, & he's shy tell him she'll turn her head when he's exposed. That way someone will be there and he won't have embarrassment of Mom seeing him.

Son says he would rather have some not a stranger. So have his father go. If it has to be Mom, & he's shy tell him she'll turn her head when he's exposed. That way someone will be there and he won't have embarrassment of Mom seeing him.

Growing up I greatly preferred my mother chaperoning the exams than my father. If they'd offered a nurse chaperone instead I might have been ok with it, but it's hard to say for sure. I was a very late bloomer so puberty wasn't really an issue for me. My mother usually looked away as I got older, but that was more for her comfort than mine. I was never particularly concerned about modesty and don't really care who sees me naked. If I could just get doctors today to understand that I'd probably get a much more thorough exam.

Personally I would go with the nurse option when I was at that age but I definitely think the son should have had a choice at first. Eventually he'll want to go alone but we all want to at different ages. Maybe 12 is a better age to start suggesting that they can ask their parent to not be present.

Maybe they could have had both mother and nurse so he'd know what the situation might be like later on but that's the only thing I could think of to help ease them into it (I believe they mentioned just not wanting a stranger so gender of nurse wouldn't really matter). Or have the mother turn her head or make sure the nurse also does so.

I always had my dad present with me at all my teenage physicals. Choosing between a nurse or my mom, I probably would have chosen the nurse just so that I don't think about my mom seeing my penis all the time. Choosing between my dad and a nurse would be more difficult, I still might choose the nurse, especially in the case of an embarrassing erection.

It seemed to be an automatic thing that mom or dad would accompany me to the doctor for my physicals. Usually more mom but when I turned 12 - 13 dad was present. When mom was in the room, there was also a nurse present to weigh me and take my vitals including a rectal temperature. It seemed that she would leave after that and return if a shot was required by the doctor. The same was true for dad but when I was “old enough” to go in alone, it was with the nurse present and felt more intimidating. Having to strip just for her was uncomfortable and by then surely more self aware. Those exams were thorough and eventually did involve having a rectal exam while suffering the throes of an erection. Of course my exam results were reviewed with a parent once I had been able to dress but thankfully omitted any reference to an erection. The erection was typically short lived as often a shot was required such that I got rather emotional.

@Grizzly_Paladin : I was never particularly concerned about modesty and don't really care who sees me naked. If I could just get doctors today to understand that I'd probably get a much more thorough exam.

Yes, I've finally come to the conclusion that it's the doctor who is afraid to ask me to strip but I'm not sure if it's due to her modesty or she's afraid of mine.

Yes, I've finally come to the conclusion that it's the doctor who is afraid to ask me to strip but I'm not sure if it's due to her modesty or she's afraid of mine.

Quite frankly, if it's her modesty she should have picked a different career. Or at least a specialty where it's not expected that a patient be naked.

Quite frankly, if it's her modesty she should have picked a different career. Or at least a specialty where it's not expected that a patient be naked.

I really think Doctors are desensitized to nudity. they see it on a daily basis and I've been told by mine that he doesn't even think about it. It's just part of the job.

From 13 to 15 my mom accompanied my younger brother (8 years younger) and I to our physical exams. She would join us in the exam room and the nurse would follow. We would then have to strip down to our briefs, and once completely naked, and once the nurse would leave the room she would tease us about us being undressed. She once said ‘I had no idea you two would have to do a striptease’, it was done in a teasing way but there was a mean edge to it, especially with me as my mom and I had a strained relationship. She once ,when I was 14 and my brother and I were just in our Fruit of Loom's underwear she playfully snapped our waistbands against our naked flesh. It was embarrassing and humiliating but an incredible turn on. When I was 15 my brother and I switched to a male doctor as my little brother told my parents he was uncomfortable stripping for a woman. We were weighed outside in our street clothes and then escorted into the exam room. The nurse left and said the doctor will be in soon. My mom wanted us both to strip down but I said that only when and if the doctor asked would I disrobe. Doctor came in and had my brother and I strip absolutely naked. My mom gave me ‘not so high and mighty look’. While driving home she said to us ‘I don’t think I have seen both of you naked in the same room'.

My mother came to all of my physicals through senior year of high school.

I was nude and I didn't care. A nurse that I didn't know would make me feel uncomfortable.

End of senior year my father took me to his doctor for my college physical.

My father came in the room with me and his doctor, a retired Army doctor, had me strip down nude, too. Again, I would rather have had my dad there than a nurse.

I know a young man, now married with kids, whose mother always went in with him. Until his senior year and his college physical, when she just wrote down the directions to a new doctor for him. He confided in me that he really didn't want to go alone, especially since it was a new doctor. So I told him to ask his mother to go with him. He did, she was surprised, but supportive, and went with him, not just to the office, but into the exam room, as she had done before. He kept having his mother come with him through college.

In either situation I did not want to be in there alone. Parents shouldn't assume that their kids want to be alone with the doctor. Ask first.

Every child is an individual and develops at their own pace. This boy was not ready to go it alone at age 11 and that is ok. I would say give it a few more years and he will probably be able to handle this situation far better.

When I was a kid I was robbed of my childhood. My mom was a drug addict and I spent 7 years in foster care. She overdosed and died the day after I turned 15. I had to grow up too fast and had to fend for myself enduring challenges that no child should go through. My childhood asthma was improperly treated by abusive medical professionals. A doctor's exam room was a very terrifying place for me.

Fortunately I was fostered (and subsequently adopted) at age 11 by my wonderful mom and dad. I was also treated by an excellent pediatrician who helped put the brakes on my anxiety issues and help me move into a rather normal adolescence and ease my white coat syndrome through encouragement and positive remarks.

My mother was always in the exam room and watched everything the doctor would do to me and the nurse. The nurse would have me undress and I would just be wearing my tighty whities (hanes) and the nurse would do the temp. weight, and height before the doctor came into the exam room for the actual exam.

Once the doctor came into the exam room he was very thorough and would speak to my mother as if I wasn't there...As I would lay on the exam table, I would already have an erection. He would remove my undies and exam my testicles and shaft of my penis, it felt like forever and he would always hold the base of my penis and rub my frenulum and I would have an orgasm while my mother watched.

I don’t know how it is in other countries, but we didn’t accept children under 14 without parents. Of course, if it was not life-threatening. Exams are also only accompanied by parents or those who replace them, more often they were grandparents, but often brothers and sisters.

From my earliest memories I can remember being aroused by being exposed to women, whether it was my mom, nurse, aunts, grandmother or whatever. I think I was always more aroused by women that I didn’t know as well as opposed to those closest to me.