Addressing a Spanking Fetish with Family

Has anyone here ever confronted or otherwise addressed spanking fetishes with parents or other family members? My background is that I was spanked ritualistically until just before I turned 18 by very obvious spanking fetishists. In turn I also have a strong fetish for it. I'm now 42 and barely spoken to my parents over the past 20+ years. I hated them for a long time, then almost forgot about their existence to be honest but now that I'm getting older and they're frankly getting towards the end of their lives, I feel like I need closure with them. I've spoken to my therapist about it and she agrees that it might be good for me, but also cautions me that it could horribly wrong and that the unknown and unspoken might be better for me. I almost want to come at it from an "I understand you" point of view instead of an accusatory and angry point of view. I'm not scared of them admitting what they did to me - I want them to. Anyways, any thoughts, suggestions, similar experiences? I'm so torn about what I should do.

It sounds like you are asking for medical or pyschological advice and I can't offer that. I'd recommend you talk to your therapist about how to best approach the subject. Best of luck to you!

@gwhap has a good point. You want to err on the side of caution because of how delicate and potentially explosive your situation seems to be.

I'd recommend you talk to your therapist about how to best approach the subject.

I've talked to my therapist in great detail about this. She acknowledges that it could go very wrong but at the same time realizes that it could give me a sense of closure that I would never otherwise get. Basically she just told me that as long as I understand the negative consequences, which in my mind aren't that drastic as my relationship with my parents is virtually non-existent, I should feel free to discuss this with them. I just thought I'd see if anyone else ever had to deal with something like this.

Hi

Similar situation to yours. Also discussed it at length in therapy but decided not to go down that route as I don't think I'd ever get what I want from it, which would probably be the worst outcome. So for me it's been about sitting with it and learning to live with it.

@Jess101978

Good idea to talk to someone professional about it first. What's your goal? Just to find closure with your parents in general? To address the spanking thing specifically? You never know how these things can go ahead of time. Makes you wonder if they'd been spanked the same as you, like history repeating itself. Families and desires are complex. I can empathize. I wish you luck.

I am truly sorry for what happened to you and the scars left behind.

Like others have said, I'm no doctor nor do I have any personal experience of a similar situation.

However, I do think Immatureboy's advice is good. I fear the chances of making things worse are higher, perhaps much higher, than making things better and it's not worth the risk. In the end to be free you will have to find out how to put this all in a secret place and close the door. It will always be there, but you'll have closed the door. I wish you luck.

Linda

Very complex, lots of issues to consider..

Seeking closure (whatever that really is) by bringing things into the open is the default cliché for our times and culture. It has become an orthodoxy of sorts.

Remember there are sayings about opening cans of worms.

My question is what exactly do you expect to happen and to accomplish in having this discussion with your parents.

Thank you all for your responses and advice. As cliché as it is, yes I want closure out of this. I've spent too much of my life being angry at them and I'm hoping if we address the reason why I've been so angry and why I've distanced myself from them, that maybe we can have some sort of a relationship again especially as they're aging and starting to show signs of aging. I don't know what I'm expecting them to say or admit to but I think I'm hoping to hear from them that I wasn't as "disrespectful" and rude to them as they made it out to be at the time. I'm OK with hearing that and I want them to be OK with admitting it.

Good luck then Jess. I think it's worth thinking about how you would feel if they don't admit that to you though. I don't think parents are always willing or even able to accept where they may have crossed the line, so it's important to be prepared for that.

Seeing your past posts from your profile page - it sounds like there's allot of bent up anger towards your parents. Seems logical and cannot blame you! Cannot imagine what you went thru!

I'm fully prepared for them to deny any ulterior motives and honestly expect them to do so but I keep wondering "what if" we can finally address what happened and try to heal from it. The party line for them was that it was discipline and it was how they were raised and if I get the same response then I guess all I can say is that I tried.

As someone who is estranged, I feel as if I might have a bit of experience in this ballpark. If you decide to confront them about it, be prepared for the windfall. There are a lot of feelings involved and old pain will be refreshed. Personally, you will have to ask yourself is "closure" really worth it? Knowing why won't magically erase what was done and maybe more trouble than it's worth. It sounds to me like you have made a life for yourself outside of their influence. I truly believe that the best revenge is living well; so I say, live your life to the fullest and be satisfied that the cycle of violence ends with you.

Curious you mentioned having a strong spanking fetish - how does that work with this....

The party line for them was that it was discipline and it was how they were raised and .

After reading countless number of accounts here on zity about disciplining, usually from the receiving end, that response is most likely what you will get. Most people will say that that is the way things were back then.

And they are correct more or less. That is how things were done by a great many people.

The thing is though, can they now recognize that it was not the best way to go about things? That there are far better ways?

Curious you mentioned having a strong spanking fetish - how does that works with this....

I can't speak for Jess, but it's possible to have a strong spanking fetish and have been spanked growing up and not feel great about it.

Based on my reading, you still care about your parents and would like some sort of positive relationship with them as they age. It sounds like it is contingent on them admitting what they did was wrong and that you were not what they said you were. Further, it sounds like your mother was more cruel in this than your father, but both are still complicit in what happened to you. Personally, I do sincerely hope you get what you are looking for, but you also need to be prepared if it doesn't go as you would hope. I have a friend and she is in a situation where she was molested as a small child, dunno if therapy helped in ID'ing the person, and that person is likely deceased at this point. Any sort of closure for her is going to have to be another way. You may have to make that tough decision for your own mental health if things don't work out, that there will always be that distance. Please, remember to take care of yourself first, you need to in order to take care of your chosen family. What comes to mind is a word, Namaste!

I can't speak for Jess, but it's possible to have a strong spanking fetish and have been spanked growing up and not feel great about it.

I couldn't have said it better myself. It added a level of complexity and confusion that no one should have to try to identify at those young ages.

I can't speak for Jess, but it's possible to have a strong spanking fetish and have been spanked growing up and not feel great about it.

It's also possible to have strong fetish from simply witnessing spankings and being shocked and scared from what you saw (as I was). I was rarely spanked growing up; what what I saw was a different story...

Oh of course, there's no doubt many ways into this.

Keep in mind that we are complicated human individuals, we are not linear in thinking, our brains are not wired alike, our experiences are all different, we process things differently. I sincerely hope she now has positive experiences and not sure how much of her past still haunts her in this regard to spankings and enjoying them for pleasure.

and not sure how much of her past still haunts her in this regard to spankings and enjoying them for pleasure.

Again thank you and everyone else for your input and concern. What haunts me the most about my past is that I most likely could have and should have put an end to what was happening to me. I feel as though I was as complicit as they were in this but I've spent my whole life blaming them.

What haunts me the most about my past is that I most likely could have and should have put an end to what was happening to me. I feel as though I was as complicit as they were in this but I've spent my whole life blaming them.

If a child gets pleasure from what a parent (or for that matter any adult) is doing, the parent/adult should know enough not to do it...

They are to blame for what happened to you, they failed you, they failed in that regard to there parental duties. Using that you were complicit in it is not true, you were a minor, rights are limited, and even if reported, what action would have occurred. I hope that the cycle is broken, you hold your head high, and found someone who shares a life together with you as it sounds like that now.

I think there are often feelings of guilt that go along with it, but ultimately when you're raised in an environment like that, you're conditioned to accept it and feel that it's your fault, because that's what you're told, so its not surprising there would be some level of complicity.

@Immatureboy You are quite correct and hopefully the therapist is working on that. I can't help to think that this is also a form of domestic violence and abuse, and should be treated as such. I hope who ever reads this thread and has been in a situation like this learns something and find help.

I have no doubts at all about the spankings I got where given by someone with massive spanking fetish. I admire your bravery to confront them with it but I personally couldn't,

I have accepted it although struggled with it in the past. Now I accept it, embrace the fact that I physically enjoy spanking now and to me that is the end of it.

I would be scared to discuss this with family..my dad might take me over his lap and show me what I have been missing.