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With all this discussion about farting, I feel it is an appropriate time for a joke about the subject, and I will even tie it into farting while spanking.
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Once there was man who loved to eat beans. He really loved beans. He ate beans for breakfast, he ate beans for brunch, he ate beans for lunch, he ate beans in the afternoon, he ate beans for dinner, he ate beans before bed, he ate beans for his midnight snack, and he snacked on beans in between his meals. He loved all kinds beans: baked beans, lima beans, kidney beans, pinto beans, navy beans, string beans, green beans, red beans, cannellini beans, garbanzo beans, fava beans, adzuki beans, mung beans, soybeans, cranberry beans, and he even loved jelly beans: red, orange, yellow, green, and blue. He loved any dish with beans in it: pork and beans, rice and beans, ham and beans, refried beans, baked beans, bean dip, black-bean soup, chili with beans, three-bean salad, green-bean salad, beans with beans.
The side effect from all those beans was, of course, well... He had gas, lots of gas, like tons of gas, like loads and loads and loads of gas. And his gas was loud, like really loud, like break-your-eardrums loud. And his gas was really foul smelling, like unbelievably malodourous, like exceedingly super stinky, like totally disgusting.
Then he met a woman and he fell head-over-heals in love. He told the woman of his dreams about his love for beans and then he asked her to marry him. She agreed to marry him if he promised to never ask her to serve beans in their house. And she warned him: "If you ever eat break your promise or embarrass me with beans and your farts, I will blister you bottom for an hour." He agreed and they were married.
Several happy years went by.
One afternoon his car broke down. He decided he would just walk home. On his way, he came to a little diner. In the window was a sign that read, “Beans – All You Can Eat –$5” The man thought he could eat the beans and work off the gas on the walk home. So he went in and ate all the beans he could eat: Plates and plates and plates and plates and plates of beans. Finally, he finished his meal and continued his walk home. And he passed gas all the way. In fact, his gas helped propel him forward--if only he had his rollerblades with him.
As he got to his front door his wife burst out onto the porch and said excitedly, “Dear, I have the most amazing surprise for dinner tonight. I’ve been planning it for weeks and I am so excited. It’s a surprise so I’m going to blindfold you and lead you in to the dining room.” She put a blindfold on him and helped him find his way to the dining room table. Just as she got him seated at the table, her cell phone rang in the other room. She said, “Now, Dear. I’m going to go answer my phone and I don’t want you to remove the blindfold. Promise me.”
He promised not to remove the blindfold and she ran to get the phone.
Then ge felt a massive whopper coming. And it did not disappoint. It was a real rumbler alright—it went on for 30 seconds straight. He frantically fanned the air with his hand to get rid of the smell. Just as his wife came back in the room, her phone rang again. She said, “Now, Honey. Don’t take off the blindfold. I’ll be right back.”
After she left, he ripped another gi-normous buttcheek-rattling Pumpernickel (A German word for a type of bread, which can also be used as a humorous euphemism for fart). This one rattled the glasses on the table. He felt for his napkin and fanned the air. When he heard his wife coming back, he quickly put his napkin back on the table.
“Now, Dear, you didn’t peek, did you?” He assured her he had not. Once again, the phone rang. As she ran to get the phone again, she made him promise not to take the blindfold off.
He felt the approach of a colossus Petarade (A French word meaning "an act of breaking wind," sometimes used in literature). This was by far the most massive, earth-rumbling, arse-flapping flatulence of his entire life. It rattled the windows and shook the chandelier. Bits of the sheetrock in the walls cracked loose. His eyes watered and the smell was so rancid that even he could not stand it, evening causing several of his nose hairs to curl and fall out. With the blindfold still in place, he felt his way over to the outside wall. He opened the window and frantically flapped his napkin to get some fresh air in the room. When he heard his wife finishing her phone call, he quickly closed the window and found his way back to his chair just as his wife came back in the dining room.
“Okay, Honey. You didn't peak did you? Okay. Here’s your surprise.” She removed his blindfold and around the table were seated 10 dinner guests.
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After all the dinner guests all left, the wife frogmarched her husband upstairs, put a gas mask on herself, and then used her favorite wooden paddle with holes in it to blister his bottom for an hour while he tooted to his hearts content.
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