Being a Victim of Sexual Violence Turned me Kinky

Traumatic abusive incidents most certainly shaped my sexuality. Before I was old enough to even think about a cock penetrating my pussy, my adjacent hole was already being penetrated by suppositories, enemas and the fingers of adults who made me submit to violations of my body. The anal penetrations hurt and shamed me, but I was hooked on the strange sensual aching in my anus; it was a forbidden fruit that I desired and dreaded at the same time. That was how my innocent psyche dealt with the trauma....by embracing it. I had a compulsion to recreate those feelings by secretly exploring anal play and putting stuff into my butt....erasers, fat multicolor pens, the handles of mom's hairbrushes among other things. Thinking about butts and anal sensations made me want to squirm and squeeze my legs together, which led to my first orgasm. The orgasms were addictive because they made my anus pulse and ache on its own which was close enough to the feelings when I was penetrated against my will. It was only when I was older that I realized that the anal aching was not so much pain as naughty pleasure, because they caused slippery fluids to flow from my slit. By giving me rectal laxatives, mom had unknowingly introduced me to arousal, orgasms and the pain and pleasure of anal stimulation.

Looking back, it's not surprising that I was hypersexual in my teenage years. I gave most of my boyfriends their first anal sex experience. Anal sex was not about intimacy and bonding with a trusted partner, but about satisfying my desire to be ravaged, hurt and dominated, because a sexual connection to forced submission had been imprinted in my mind. After rough sex, I would feel a tinge of sadness and shame for turning myself into a sexual object, but I would banish the thoughts by starting another round of fucking. I scared a few boyfriends away with my insatiable and kinky sexual desires. Boys may dream of having a nymphomaniac as a girlfriend, but they quickly change their minds when they discover they do not have the stamina to keep up or they learn that their almighty penises can blister and chafe. I didn't repeat the abusive situations of the past to control them....I did it to surpass them. I enjoyed regressing into a filthy sexual animal. I still do, but I am more in control of my mind and emotions now.