Doesn't the sub actually control a Dom(me)/sub relationship?

Thank you Master I, a very interesting read Sir. I have on occasion played with a Dom, and while I found it enjoyable, for me it felt like programming a computer my sub experiences left me feeling completely in control which isn't bad, although when on Dom told me how worried he was by how he dominated me and it scared him how submissive I was. I pointed out how I more or less arranged everything through either suggestions or asking to be allowed to do something and how he was more or less doing everything I wanted when I wanted and how I felt totally in control of him. He accepted this but got a look like he just realized he had been raped. I had not meant to make him feel violated just that he was not nearly as dominatting of me as he had thought. I love the level of dominance that I feel in Daddy boy, having a deep an profound respect for Dad and a desire to please him, but with a knowledge Dad is in charge, but a Dad cares about a boys wishes and desires. I do realize every two peoples relationship dynamics are unique. But my experience has been as a sub I felt full control, and times I have been Dom, I do try to make sure my boy knows that he is safe and I have taken in all his desires. And most importantly as a Dom I will respect his right to the safe word. As a bottom I prefer to play with someone I trust and I HATE a safe word it ruins it for me although I am in a Dad boy mode for play ifI feel I can stop a spanking it just ruins it for me. I need and want the sense Dad is fully in charge and I will be spanked until he is satisfied.

I'm a very enthusiastic switch now for many years and love both roles with some modest preference for being submissive. I've always agreed with Allies9 when she said

I've always thought that kink relationships need mutual enthusiasm, and they both need to control enough to enjoy it. That does not cheapen anything.

In fact, ever since I wanted to start playing with women as D/s in my mid 20's, I can't even get very aroused, let alone really enjoy it and climax, if I'm not convinced my partner is really enjoying it also. I feel the same way no matter which of us is a dominant or submissive any given evening/session.

Eric

My experience is that there is an agreement prior to d/s relationship - with safe word and what is off limits. The agreement can broaden adding more as the level of trust is formed.

I suspect that the sub does indeed control the situation. I know my yellow Lab controls me with just a look and has me well trained to get her whatever she wants. I've had a few cats that were pretty good with this as well. I think the Dom only THINKS they are in charge when in realty the visual cues and sounds from the submissive really control the situation.

I am still a keen novice but eager to learn and progress.

From my experince in a true sub/dom relationship the sub has control. They can stop it at any time, the fun and the skill is to force myself to continue and ignore any desire to call time.

I feel like I challenge the Dom to get me as close to that line as possible.

But they know I can stop it.

If the dom is in control and would ignore your safe word etc that is not a dom that is a cunt.

A true dom respects your desires and ultimately although giving the orders and hopefully a little pain they do it for my pleasure.

@alicia, you have most of that right. The sub can safeword out. However, the pair have to develop a trust first. And during the interview questions are asked to see if the sub candidate actually wants to be a sub. If he or she passes that..determined by the Dom/Domme, then the discussion of desires and limits are held.

Yes the sub controls when to opt out, however the Dom/Domme determines if the limits have been set too high or too low.

The Dom/Domme determines the end of the scene or episode. They also control the amount of discipline, punishment, training, chores, and the like for the sub.

But if you make it to my playroom and on the second swat on your ass and you cry out your safeword. You are finished and will never darken my playroom again.

So the sub can control their own fate on whether they continue or not. Also a sub that thinks they can change the dynamic of the relationship in mid stream gets a hard lesson as well as is removed never to be included again.

I love people that think they can be in charge of my domain.

Happy thoughts

Faith

I have faith in my ability and i know I would last well past your minimum haha but agree with.

Thanks.

I have heard it being described as the sub draws the map, while the dom decides where to go

I don’t know if I’d call it controlling,the sub definately has a say in the dynamic and can safeword out and at the same time the Dom/Domme can stop a scene if they they think it’s too much.....The dynamics develop a trust with each other which takes time for both involved once that level of trust is developed then a good Dom/Domme would want to expand limits and the sub involved would want the same thing .Its a partnership to me with the Dom/Domme in charge.

Ill make this really easy. Lots of communication should happen before any scene and get to know them as a person before you submit or dominate. Never scene with someone you just met. And as trust builds and you get to know each others expectations and needs, the relationship will becomr comfortame, safe and satisfying to both. It takes both sides to do this. But remember even if the safeword not used , it is the doms job to safely watch over his sub , satisfy both of them and protect her

I have heard it being described as the sub draws the map, while the dom decides where to go

I think that is a good description. I think Faith brings a real perspective to it. The sub can opt out but will pay the price. I think the sub can also give feedback to the Dom with vocal and other visual cues.

In your experience, who actually controls a relationships involving D/s?

In my experience, the sub should always be in the ultimate control position; she is surrendering, but still'needs to protect herself. Yes, the Dom should have 'his' way in play, as in life, until it goes too far. When she says stop, it has to stop. That means the sub is in control; yes?

If the Dom does not respect this right of passage, it's my thought that the sub should leave before 'she' gets hurt, or worse...

Just my 2 cents.

Go out and make it a gr8 afternoon!

I like to sub. Sometimes I am coaching an inexperienced dom. It is true, in my opinion, that to be a good "top" you should start from the bottom, but I guess if I want to be a little bit selfish about what "I" want, I'm gonna have to occasionally "top from the bottom!"