Doesn't the sub actually control a Dom(me)/sub relationship?

In your experience, who actually controls a relationships involving D/s? Isn't it the sub who ask to be dominated in such and such way with the Dom(me) following? I guess relationships in which the degree of "sub-ness" is in perfect harmony with the degree of "Dom(me)-ness" in the partner and where the partners also share interest in the same kinks is pure fiction. Any thoughts?

The submissive does control the relationship even they are the ones with the black and blue marks. Not in that she controls exactly what the Dom(me) does, but in the limits, especially when corporal punishment is involved. Not too many submissives want to be beaten to the point of almost broken bones or to injury that will not heal without medical measures. A Dom(me) who expects a submissive to accept that only wants someone to beat up.

If a person was being dominated and did not want that to be the case, they would leave the relationship. No one would allow themselves to be dominated or to receive corporal punishment, especially in my own, often severe manner unless they wanted it. A D/s relationship, or in the case of my husband and myself where we switch, is controlled by the limits of the submissive.

In a perfect D/s relationship, one could say that the limits of the submissive will correspond to the greatest severity the Dom(me) wants to deliver.

The control a sub has is the safe word. It is an on off switch. Should she use it, it not only ends the session, can end the relationship. A Dom should keep a subs bag packed by the front door with funds enough in it for air fair/hotels and one months living expenses. A Dom controlled by a sub's wishes is not a Dom. He would be just an actor in her play. There is no "Dom_ness" However sharing kink great fun for vanilla couples.

Although in most healthy D/s relationships the sub does have a certain amount of control, true subs do submit to the Dominants' desires and use the safe word as a last resort.

If the use of the safe word means the dissolving of said relationship, the relationship was not worth much to start with!!

I submitted to a Dom who took control even though I wasn't sure I wanted a Dom at the time. He realized I needed a Dom and I am very grateful he did. He always has my best interest in mind.

Well in my personal relationship my SO controls everything.

He knows me well enough to know what is appropriate for our relationship.

He is very dominant and I am expected to submit.

He would never expect me to submit to certain things but that is only because he knows me and my past.

I think for each couple it is different.

For us, he took over and I naturally submitted to it.

As a Domme the limits are set in place prior to the first session. And interview should have determined if the prospective submissive was a proper fit for the Dom/Domme. The safeword is in place when the limit is reached for the sub. However a good Dom/Domme should have a sense of what the limit is and should have realized that. Just my perspective on it. I am fortunate to have subs that have a high tolerance and desire to be pushed past their limits. And become frustrated with me because I know when enough is enough, despite their musings about being able to take more. At that point the discipline becomes something that isn't as taxing and demanding on their bodies and I put the impact on their mental to handle other obstacles.

In the end everyone is satisfied and the girls remain very very loyal and devoted.

I don't think a true Dom/sub relationship has the sub in control. The limits are set, after which what is done and how is up to the Dom. The power exchange occurs, and unless the safeword is used, the Dom has the control. It is NOT up to the sub AFTER the limits are set. Otherwise, what's the point?

Eurohand said:

The control a sub has is the safe word. It is an on off switch. Should she use it, it not only ends the session, can end the relationship. A Dom should keep a subs bag packed by the front door with funds enough in it for air fair/hotels and one months living expenses. A Dom controlled by a sub's wishes is not a Dom. He would be just an actor in her play. There is no "Dom_ness" However sharing kink great fun for vanilla couples.

It sounds like your desire for "Dom_ness" as you call it, is much more important than your caring for another person.

This is a very complex question. My answer is that it largely depends on how much time the individuals are spending together and what is the nature of their relationship. If it's just sceneing with someone for a few hours or a few days, then it's very easy for the Dominant to be in total control. (If that's what both people want.)

If the two are in a committed relationship, then the lines blur. It's very difficult to be 100 percent Dominant or submissive all the time.

My sub actually introduced me to the joys of the D/s relationship. We had a vanilla relationship prior to starting D/s. I noticed she seemed unhappy so I made her tell me what was wrong. She explained about D/s and the role of a sub to submit to the control of a Dom. She asked me to be her Dom and explained what her previous Dom had done. I also told her some of the problems she had that I thought she needed to address (poor diet, stress and impulsiveness... etc). She also wanted to broaden her sexual experiences as well. She gave me full control. I set objectives and gave her tasks to perform as well. She got rewards and sometimes punishments.

While in a 24/7 total power exchange situation the use of the safe word by the sub may mean the total dissolution of the relationship, it is not always so. Sometimes the parameters can be readjusted for the long-term benefit and enhancement of the relationship on the part of the Dominant as well as the submissive!

This is a very complicated and highly controversial topic. I, personally, detest the phrase that the submissive has "real" control of the relationship. Seriously, if I wanted control, I would take it. If I am in a D/s relationship where the control is handed to me, I leave the relationship. I do this because I am seeking true dominance in my companion. This does not mean I want to blindly obey someone's every whim... but it does mean my opinion or protest may not really matter. The degree of my D/s relationships is so much deeper than anything I've come into contact with on Zity though, I'm not really sure anyone here would understand it. Simply stated, if my companion is not truly dominant, I can feel it. I lose all interest, become distant, and simply disappear. The greatest threat to any relationship is indifference.

In temporary relationship situations, things are very different. I have acted as a "Demo Bottom" for BDSM events, with unfamiliar Dominants (some whom really never deserved the title, in my opinion), and there was always a short discussion/negotiation period, the selection of a safeword. It was always explained what I should expect and the dominant was warned what to expect from me (because he wasn't really "my" Dominant). In that situation, the submissive has a necessary amount of control because everything is new. There is no real mental connection established. In a real long term D/s relationship, yes there is discussion/negotiation in the beginning, but once I agree to the relationship, I am making a clear statement that my Dominant is aware of my limits, but his word is final. To get this far, there has to already be a deep mental connection established. If I don't feel he always has my best interests at heart, I revoke my submission by requesting release from service (the polite way to do it).

Words... how confusing they are, and how misleading, especially when used as labels like "Sub","Dom", or again (there's a significant difference) "Top", "Bottom". Any sensible and meaningful sexual transaction involves the sharing out of power. IMO, a Dom with any brains takes the trouble to discuss and formalise before a meeting what that balance is, and where the boundaries are. Those Doms who don't respect the limits and wishes of their Subs are not Doms -- they are abusers.

It's all about sex and the rush of submission to someone you hope has your best interest at heart you hope. if they push the limits of your boundarys and dance around those lines from time to time this just seems to enhance the experience for Boath the giver and the receiver. this also makes the relationship all the more stronger as Boath receive from this what they desire. it's always fun to give someone what they really want and desire!.

This is not a new debate.... At the end of the day it all depends on the specific relationship and how much surrender has been given.

There are many dynamics that can work. Each D/s relationship can be whatever extent the 2 people want. From some scarves around wrists every few months in the bedroom, to 24/7.

In one of my relationships, we played in the bedroom, but there were also undercurrents in our daily lives. She had impulsiveness, anxiety, and lack of experience in life - that my advice, mentoring, and occasional swat on the behind (or raise of an eyebrow) helped to corral.

In some ways her actions warranted my reactions. But other times I just decided to do certain things with her body. Certainly, there were some hard limits, such as cutting, asphyxiation, permanent marks, anal play. And some softer limits (things that she was not ready for yet). We discussed both before anything physical ever happened with us, and I also brought some concepts up along the way to discuss.

There were hard limits that neither of us wanted to cross, other things that we were not into, and supposedly actions that she never wanted or thought about but we eventually did those.

The relationship was "molded" by both of us. I usually had more ideas about things. The "dom-ness" was more an attitude adopted by me, with her becoming observant to my requests.

She could always use the "yellow" safeword, to slow down my administrations of flogging, or "red" to end the scene.

In terms of control - is that control of a scene, the relationship? The scene is devised by either, directed by the Dom (lest the sub be labeled as "directing from the bottom"), for the mutual enjoyment of either. At the end of the scene, the two can discuss, either lovingly, or still in rolls, how it went. In a relationship - either party can bring it about (see post #11, @ron31401), and it depends on the dynamics about who comes up with the ideas. An action could stop or change with safe words (is that control, requests, or statement of a limit reached?).

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I, myself, become more encouraged by a willing sub, especially one who communicates those places that she wants to go in her mind. Does she "let" me do things, control the limits, ultimately refuse the things that she does not agree with? Do I demand things, tell her when she is wrong, mentor her misguided thoughts, punish when she disobeys (or just because).

I don't think that it is a matter of the Dom saying, "take it or leave it," or of the sub saying, "we're gonna do it this way, not that." It's an ebb and flow, of power yielded to the Dom, trying things on for size, and building the relationship together.

We can spend ages to speak about this topic but only one thing is true and real: in a good D/s relationship who drive and own is sub one. If isn't D/s relationship is not really good.

None be upset with me for my declaration please, is only a matter of fact.

Hug and kisses to all Dom around here and .... dear subs ... please don't be too cruel with your Doms, they can't survive without a really good sub.

Happy D/s folks.

L.

In a good D/s relationship, the sub is always in control, giving their Dom's the Que's they need to make the relationship work.

It's certainly the sub who sets the limits.

In Ds, yes. In Ms, no.

Counter-intuitive as it may be, topping from the bottom makes everyone happy!

I don't control our relationship it started when due to diabetic started having wetting problems. My wife had me return to diapers to keep things dry and [our] roles changed she became more dominate and we do things [Her] way very hard to be dominate in diapers.She does control things but there are no spanking but the tongue is a lot stronger.

The dynamics certainly do show the submissive getting her desires yes but in a contractual relationship this should be discussed by both parties on limits etc lets face is Dominants have limits to! its a balance 😃 just my opinion

The sub controls before-hand but the dom controls during the session. I sometimes go to a dominatrix nurse to satisfy my fetish for painful and embarrassing buttock injections. I stipulate in advance exactly what I want to happen, emphasising that any protest I might make at the time would be just to make her strict with me. After I arrive, however, I am totally at her mercy.

I did love the fact that a man I knew and had played with told me he worried about how dominating he was with me but when I explained how everything we had done had been directed by me and in effect in that case I was actually more dominating him, he went to looking like he had just found out he had been raped... Sometimes a sub can be very much the one in control and in fact the actual dominating his Dom in effect. But it is not always that way. Most important thing is communication and setting things up the way you both want. I am not really one who likes being with Doms who are little more than robots that you have instructed what to do, but I have found more than a few Doms that fit that category.... Even my last spanking I did get a heck of a lot more than I wanted but the moment at the strapping I turned away it was over... a big part of me does wish I was rolled back into place and given a few more swats, but I did take a lot and likely would not have been advised...

The Dom(me) is ALWAYS in control. A good Dom will be able to read the reactions of the sub and know when the sub is about to reach their limits. Then they will change direction before the sub gets to that limit. Eventually, with experience, the Dom will be able to push the limits of the sub and expand them in many areas. However, for some subs there are hard limits that will never be crossed or approached. Those differ from sub to sub and the reasons behind the hard limit may be quite varied. A female who has been raped in the past probably will have some limits that are never to be approached while someone else may begin to enjoy the forced/raped fantasy even if they didn't like the idea when limits were stated.

Every relationship will be different and a good Dom will adapt as needed to deal with the limits and activities allowed. Even when the Dom is asking the sub about a limit and the sub says no, the Dom is still in control and will process that input. For example, maybe the safe response is "only if it pleases you" and the sub responds with that, Maybe it pleases you and you continue on doing the activity for little longer before stating that it does please you. The Dom retains the ultimate control even though the sub has wanted to cease the activity.

Sadly I believe that the sub is usually in control, because as the previous poster related to having a very knowledgeable and effective Dominant in control.....those really competent Dominants are soooooo scarce. With my over 50 years in this D/s lifestyle, and all of those years as a 100% submissive or domestic slave, I have served 3 at the most, real Complete Controlling Dominants. All the rest I had to guide along as they usually were too conservative in dominating and otherwise the sessions would bore me and just not be what I desired. I currently am being considered by a Dom that I pray will take my reins and use me as He wishes.......of course we have discussed Hard Limits and Safe word/signal, so beyond that, if He does privilege me to service Him, then I will submit as He wishes OR pay the consequences.

I've always thought that kink relationships need mutual enthusiasm, and they both need to control enough to enjoy it. That does not cheapen anything.

This might help some...

https://www.zity.biz/index.php?mx=docs;ox=showitem;id=9511