Embarrasment and shame

Embarrassment and shame is the basis for my medical fetish and excitement in physical exam situations. Mandatory exams are the best because not only are these exams done at the behest of someone who has control over your future--university, employer, life or disability insurance company in my experience--but you are sent to a doctor you do not know and who is not chosen by you. Just the experience of having to show up for the exam is humiliating. I find it degrading that the doctor, and probably his office staff, know exactly what is on store for you before you ever arrive but you, the patient or examinee, remain totally in the dark and have to wait to see what happens. I am nervous for days before the appointment but the anxiety becomes almost debilitating when I arrive for the physical. I am nervous about how I will be told to undress for the exam to start and who will deliver the bad news. Regardless of whether it is a nurse or assistant or the doctor himself who instructs me how to strip down, I find it humiliating. I go through the exam listening to all the doctor's instructions and worry about whether I will have to take my pants down, when it will happen, and how the doctor will tell me to expose myself for him. If I am stripped to my white briefs, I worry that I don't look as good as the average patient as far as my physique. Does he think I look ridiculous because I have on tighty whities? I dread the moment I get the command to take down my underwear and let him see my penis and scrotum. My penis is always shriveled up and my balls are pulled up tight so I know I don't measure up to many of the men he has examined. I think about all the men with nice large endowments standing in exactly the same place I stand with my small penis exposed over my pulled-down white briefs. I have to bend over and let him see my butt cheeks and my hole. I feel the cold KY in my anus. When the exam is over, the humiliation of having to walk out of the office with the entire staff knowing the doctor has seem my entire body is overwhelming. I can't wait to get home to beat off thinking about it.

I have never got over the humiliation of surrendering myself to someone else - and I love it.

Unfortunately not had a play exam yet but looking forward to it happening (soon I hope) and hope I really get to feel very embarrassed.

I have though recently had my sister-in-law examine a few patches of dry skin and a couple of red itchy areas when they came up in conversation I ended up agreeing to show her the areas. The first couple of times just showing her my legs by dropping my trousers while visiting her. The last time she visited while I was in the shower and let herself in to the house with her own key because my wife was out when I came out of the shower she asked had the cream she'd suggested helped and then asked if I'd like her to take a look. I ended up loosing the towel I had around me and letting her examine my most private areas front & back. She lives close by so we are in each others company quite often so I'm getting used to the slight feeling of embarrassment that she's seen me naked and even had me bend over to examine my backside.

John C, I would be mortified if sis-in-law gave me the occasional knowing smile, indicating the she has seen my charms. Ad that to the knowledge that she will be seeing me again, and again - and there is nothing that I can do to stop it!

Medfanxo. Surprisingly I'm not finding it a problem, she's asked me since how I'm doing (when we've been on our own) and even asked to take a look when I said it had just about cleared up now which I was happy to do.

For reasons I can't explain, other people's embarrassment and shame triggers feelings of excitement in me that gets me going to this day. Let me clarify: as long as it's in the context of sex, nudity and eroticism. Sadly due to my age, sexual adventures are few and far between these days. I do occasionally come across a written passage which triggers a memory or my imagination. Even the odd video, but these tend to be too contrived and unrealistic. I love it when members recount their experiences of when they were punished or exposed in front of strangers .It would take a remarkably talented actor to replicate the look of shock, disbelief and even fear that crosses a person's face when they are put in a truly embarrassing situation. I am fortunate to have a good recollection of some episodes during my active youth. Mind you, I was always searching around to feed my addiction.

One summer in 1983 I met a rather attractive Swiss lady in her forties and as we were getting on rather well, I invited her to spend the following day on my boat. She was rather excited at this prospect but explained that she couldn't leave her 2 children alone all day. Very disappointed I tried to call it off but she asked so nicely and insisted that they would be no bother that I gave in.

In the morning she turned up looking very tasty in her bikini and accompanied by a teenage boy and girl. The girl was 13 going on 30 and the boy was a surly and quiet 15 or 16.

On the open sea, once we were far from prying eyes, the lady and her daughter unabashedly removed their bikini tops and applied some suncream to each other. She sat down on the cockpit seat and started on the boy. She pulled off his top and rubbed him down with the sunblock. Then without warning she pulled down his bathing costume, exposing him totally. He shrieked loudly and squatted down to hide himself. His mother ordered him to stand up and to behave. ‘But… but’ he spluttered. In a surprisingly stern voice she told him to do as she said and he meekly complied. He had to hold on to the handrails to keep his balance on the rocking boat and could not cover himself. She began to rub cream on his lower back and buttocks while he was facing me and his sister. His face was a picture of emotions. My heart was pounding as I observed his embarrassment and exposure. His sister had a very wicked smile on her face, evidently loving her older brother's extreme discomfort. The mother started on his front working down from his belly to his genitals. She gently put cream his penis and testicles and he popped an instant boner. He groaned with mortification as his sister giggled. His mother laughed out loudly and giving it a little flick, said something to the effect that her little boy was growing up but at nearly 16 years of age still had no pubic hair, unlike his young sister at 13. The girl had clearly started puberty and had the beginnings of what promised to be a generous figure. The mother asked me to do her back and in my state of excitement I was very close to losing it. It was all I could do to stop myself from mauling her.

The kids went forward to the sun deck while we stayed on the helm seat in the cockpit. I made her aware of my state of arousal and she responded instantly. She was as turned on as I was. Unfortunately we could only sneak a few gropes and feels as it wasn't a large boat and we would have been seen by the kids. Also I had to keep control of the boat.

Later on we all sat in the cockpit in the shade of the canopy while we had lunch. The girl wouldn't leave her brother alone and kept taunting him about his ‘immaturity’ and how he should learn to control his erections. She wasn't encouraged by the mother but neither was she told to leave him alone. In fact they both laughed at him when he popped another boner while his mum was putting more protective cream.

I saw them for the rest of their holiday. I asked her why she treated her boy the way she did and she said that in truth he quite enjoyed being submissive to his sister and herself at home. But he really hated being embarrassed in front of others and would not cooperate at all. On the boat, it was too good an opportunity to miss and there was only me watching. She thought she would test him and see if he would allow her, knowing full well that he was able to refuse to cooperate. She was very aware of how strongly I reacted and I confessed to her that it was a strong fetish of mine.

When I was a teenager, it was embarrassing but exciting for me to undress. When it was over, I remembered them and masturbated. On the other hand, the situations in which someone mocked me was always unpleasant for me.

Having to stand naked in front of a female doctor during a military examination was embarrassing but also exciting. The mockery and jokes of the classroom girls were only embarrassing to me.

Then without warning she pulled down his bathing costume, exposing him totally. He shrieked loudly and squatted down to hide himself. His mother ordered him to stand up and to behave. ‘But… but’ he spluttered. In a surprisingly stern voice she told him to do as she said and he meekly complied. He had to hold on to the handrails to keep his balance on the rocking boat and could not cover himself. She began to rub cream on his lower back and buttocks while he was facing me and his sister. His face was a picture of emotions. (…) His sister had a very wicked smile on her face, evidently loving her older brother's extreme discomfort. The mother started on his front working down from his belly to his genitals. She gently put cream his penis and testicles and he popped an instant boner. He groaned with mortification as his sister giggled. His mother laughed out loudly and giving it a little flick, said something to the effect that her little boy was growing up but at nearly 16 years of age still had no pubic hair, unlike his young sister at 13. (…) The girl wouldn't leave her brother alone and kept taunting him about his ‘immaturity’ and how he should learn to control his erections. She wasn't encouraged by the mother but neither was she told to leave him alone. In fact they both laughed at him when he popped another boner while his mum was putting more protective cream.

I feel sorry for this teenager. His sister was mean, but his mother embarrassed him more. She stripped him naked in front of his sister and the strange man. She treated him like a child, suppressed his portraits. She joked about him in front of the others. I believe that she indirectly encouraged her daughter to mock her brother. Imagine the opposite - the parent exposed his daughter to her younger brother and the stranger. Then he joked about her symptoms of excitement. Everyone would probably be very indignant about it.

When I was a young, horny student in London in the late sixties, I lived in a flat in a large old converted house sharing with 2 idiotic drunken boys. The other apartments were occupied by an assortment of young men and women. Across the landing lived 3 girls, one of whom was a tall, statuesque blonde. She was a shapely girl whose size and and behaviour belied her total lack of self confidence. She hid this insecurity by acting aloof and reserved and behaving quite aggressively. In truth she intimidated us boys, who otherwise would have liked to ask her out (get into her knickers). I made a breakthrough by pure chance when I once impulsively snapped angrily at her for some unnecessarily snide comment she'd made. Her demeanor changed almost instantly and as we got to know each other better I discovered a shy and frail personality. We started a relationship and we embarked on a journey of discovery. Amazingly she'd never been kissed and was a virgin. She got full marks for her keenness to learn. Although I was still very young, I knew enough to turn her lack of experience to my advantage and successfully built her trust in me.

On one of our sessions, I was fingering her wet vagina and I could feel a tiny little lump on the inside of her labia. After close examination we decided she ought to have it checked by a doctor. A gynae appointment was made and I went with her because she was terrified.

The receptionist took her details and told her matter of factly to remove her knickers before taking a seat in the waiting room. Oh oh! My radar was on as soon as I realised that all the women in the room were not wearing any underwear. When it was her turn, the nurse asked me if I'd like to go in too. Of course yesss! Large room, curtained off cubicles, minimum privacy. Bliss! I watched closely as she climbed on to the bed and put her legs in the stirrups. She was bright red with embarrassment. I found that if I parked myself near the entry point to the cubicle I could observe another couple of cubicles through the gap in curtains. Ever on the lookout for any sexual stimulation. Every time they entered the doctors and nurses casually drew the curtains open and closed giving me a view of the patient lying there with her genitalia on full display. Often they left a large gap so one could get more than a fleeting look. The curtain separating the next cubicle had a gap and I saw a middle aged man peeking in at my girlfriend while his wife was being examined. Ah! a fellow voyeur.

I whispered to my girlfriend that he was peeking at her and she went ballistic. She grimaced at me and desperately signalled to me to close the gap. She was quite helpless with her legs spread wide. I caught the man's eye and gave him an imperceptible nod of approval. He moved slightly to improve his field of vision while I stood beside my girlfriend holding her hands and pulling her skirt up further away from her pussy. My girl was livid, threatening to rip me apart when she got out of there. I'm not sure if the guy had a full view of her but from the smirk on his face, he liked what he saw. She was struggling to release her hands and her efforts made her lift her hips up provocatively. It was like she was enjoying an erotic moment despite her vehement protests.

The voyeur moved away as a lady doctor came in with the nurse and started the examination but as she positioned herself on the stool she asked the nurse to hand her an antiseptic tissue and proceeded to wipe down the girls vagina. At the first touch my girlfriend gave a shudder and I thought she was having an orgasm. I'm sure the doctor sensed the sexual tension because gave me a sly knowing look while she told the patient to relax. If the patient's face got any redder she would have to be treated for sunburn. Examination over, lump diagnosed as fatty tissue to be removed at a later date.

She was released from the stirrups and told to lie down and ‘catch your breath' before going home. I didn't let her wear her panties on the bus home. I was so turned on I was having considerable difficulty to walk. All the time I was being told off for my behaviour and how embarrassing the whole thing was and how she never wanted to see me again because I was such a pervert. We had almost violent sex when we got home. She eventually admitted that although she hated the whole event she was very turned on but if I did anything like that again, she would kill me. I hadn't realised quite how excited she was and that her pussy was soaking wet the whole time. She said when she was aware that the doctor could see her excitement she wanted to die but when she orgasmed it was the most embarrassing moment of her life. We had a few more interesting experiences while we were together.

In a previous post I wrote about a teen who was shamed by his mother and younger sister on my boat. I saw them a few more times after that and his mother knew by then that I found his embarrassment stimulating. Most of the time it was difficult to do much as we were in public areas with too many people. I lived in a small old house that was laid out after the Roman style of having a central courtyard around which the house was built. Like a mini cloister and totally private. In the small courtyard there was a shallow pond with a central spout of water that shot the water up and it dropped back like an umbrella. Like these modern street fountains that are so popular nowadays. During the hot summer months it acted like a primitive air conditioning.

We relaxed in the yard while the kids were enjoying themselves playing in the pond. It was quite a novelty for them. The boy whined about the fact that he was the only one nude so in order to keep the peace the mother made the girl strip off. She complied gave me a flirtatious look, and provocatively removed her swimsuit displaying a formidable hairy bush for such a young girl. This girl was dangerous and could get a man into a lot of trouble. She started on the boy and grabbing his balls she laughed and said look at this, as smooth as a baby. The boy jerked away but she held on until he got erect and he turned away from us covering his penis. His mother immediately burst out laughing saying there he goes again. Then she told him not to be silly, we'd all seen it before. The boy said his sister had hurt him when she grabbed him.

She called him over and had a good look as he stood in front of us. He was bright red and was wearing a pained expression on his face while his mother felt his genitals. His skinny pink penis was so hard it lay flat against his belly pointing upwards to his chin exposing his little ball sac. Cruelly I asked his mum whether he could retract his foreskin properly. Little sister pipes up saying that's her job and that she did it for him every morning and proceeded to show us. She was practically masturbating him and he was awkwardly trying to pull away from her hand, crying in embarrassment.

The doorbell rang and my sister in law who lived next door, stood there with her two little girls. They were 10 and 12 years old. She'd seen my guests arrive and wondered if they would like to play with her kids. I explained that they were naked in the yard and I should have them get dressed before her girls went in. My sister in law laughed and said not to worry as they were used to playing naked with their brother. So I let them in. The crafty little girl had put on her swimsuit anticipating possible visitors. But the boy was standing naked next to his mother with his stiff willy still pointing at the sky.

He made to run indoors as soon as the girls appeared but his mother gripped him firmly by the wrist to stop him and gave him a warning slap on his naked bottom. He and his sister were introduced and with a huge grin, my sister in law said to her girls ' Oh look his pinky is stiff just like Justin's ‘. ‘As usual’' laughed his mother as she gave his penis a flick so it slapped back against his stomach. I can't begin to imagine what was going through the boy's mind. He looked as if he was in pain.

The girls laughed as if to say ‘ Boys huh!’ then took him by his hand and led him towards the fountain.The pink handprint was very visible on his pale buttocks! I think he quite enjoyed the day except that his evil sister ensuring he stayed erect either by saying something to the other girls or by deliberately getting hold of his penis and pulling back his foreskin. The girls loved it and teamed up with her and made fun of him all the time. I thought my sister in law might not like it but she just didn't seem to be bothered. Girl power, I suppose. Anyway, she had a drink and a chat with us and left saying she'd come back for the girls later.

I was on fire with all these goings on so we went upstairs to the bedroom. My willy was certainly as stiff as the boy's! She leaned out of the open window overlooking the courtyard. I pulled down her bottoms and took her doggy style while she chatted to the kids. I tried to prolong the process as long as I could, but I was so hyped up I came buckets and far too quickly. Fortunately at that age I enjoyed a rapid recovery rate.

I'm not sure why, but I don't recall being embarrassed at a doctor's exam when I was young. And I don't get embarrassed or excited by it now. I have been to female doctors, and my Internist and dermatologist are currently both women. Hmmm, actually they've probably been female for a while now.

I've been going to my current Dr for so long that I rarely get embarrassed. I don't even get a cover when he gives me a physical. In fact, the last 2-3 I didn't have to take anything off.

My most humiliating experience was a rigid sigmoidoscupy at th VA. There were probably 10 people (interns, student nurses?) in the room as I pulled my pants down and got on the tilt table. All got to put the scope in and look after the dr showed them first. One was rubbing my back the whole time. It was very humiliating being a guinea pig exposing all my personal parts to so many strangers. That is probably my most humiliating experience.

The next was getting a cysto at Kaiser while spread open in stirrups. There were no drapes. First they rubbed the iodine solution on my penis, then squirted in the numbing gel and put a clamp til it took effect. It burned like crazy. Afterwards came the scope. It was a rigid one that was long and very curved. They got it in but I don't know how. There was only the dr, nurse and my wife so it wasn't as humiliating as the VA was, but being splayed out was bad enough. I shudder to think wat it would have been like at the VA.

The 3rd most humiliating is getting an enema from a stranger in the hospital and handing control of my bowels to someone them.

I feel what you are saying. My stepdad started to spank me at 11 (he just married my mom and I wasn’t happy about it) and it was always bare bottom (until I was 17 and moved out after graduating). I complained to my Mom who just easily dismissed my concerns and told me to stop being disrespectful and causing problems.

It was before and after my conversation with her that I experienced embarrassment and shame for getting spanked.

it is those feelings that I want to experience again.

My excitement was heightened by the fear and anxiety that go along with the embarrassment and loss of control. The excitement was a visceral response but i could later spark it off with memories of the incidents and other mental stimuli....the resulting giddy thoughts could make my legs tremble. It was an early form of sexual arousal although I did not know it then. I can still get aroused by those memories of innocence lost.

It's the shocking new experiences that are the most arousing because they cause the most anxiety. In one incident that I have shared before, I was lying down on a cozy cushioned exam table, innocently expecting the doc to examine my tummy, when the nurse swiftly pulled down my bottoms and lifted my legs high up in the air. The sudden manhandling of my body is the most arousing part of the incident because it made my heart skip a beat. It is even more arousing than the subsequent suppository insertion by the doc.

When I was calm and obeyed orders, the anal intrusions were not as arousing because I was less fearful and anxious. It's as if behaving like a good girl kept the horny bad girl away. Later incidents were not as arousing because I was not fearful of anal insertions anymore and I got used to exposing my butthole, although I was still embarrassed and had to submit.

What an interesting thought! For me, the younger I was, the better my body looked and the more embarrassed I was when (rarely) I was naked. With time comes the realization (and freedom) that nobody is perfect and today I am happy to say I can go naked on national TV and be happy about it! My belief is that shame is instilled in us from society at a very young age in order to make us believe we are not the same (i.e. equal) so we can accept and comply with the craziness that surrounds us in so many levels. If we could all realize that we are created and are equal, the world would be different.

This is a complicated question for me as my experience and meaning of exams has changed over time. Pediatric exams at a young age were associated with a total lack of control and unfortunate necessity of receiving a shot or two. Until I was around 11, a parent was in the room, often mom, and there was my having to undress. The basic requirement was to strip to my underpants and at some point I would have them lowered and or removed by either a doctor or the nurse with mom present. Rectal temps and genital exams were given.

Exams as a teen meant feeling very self conscious though not due to shame but more closely related to lack of control. I had to see the doctor, often for school admission or a sport's exam, so there was no denying its necessity. By then, I was undressing in a locker room as well for gym or after school activity. The shower room was becoming a requirement along with physicals given in the nurse's office for a team sport as I reached high school. By then the awareness of being naked and comparing myself to others was very powerful.

The realization of masturbation further added to the unique experience of having a physical and what my mind was now capable of achieving. From there, the exam has become influenced by fantasies along with realism. Joining Zity has only reinforced all of this and a chance to chat with like minded folks of both sexes.

For me, the younger I was, the better my body looked and the more embarrassed I was when (rarely) I was naked. With time comes the realization (and freedom) that nobody is perfect and today I am happy to say I can go naked on national TV and be happy about it!

Indeed, I have less shame in an abstract manner about theoretically being naked as in say in a public manner, but at the same time I would not really wish to be so because of the way a body deteriorates over the years. I wouldn't be doing anyone any kind of visual favor at all.

That is probably why I would now not go to a nude beach/venue, even though I easily could and would rather like to. I just wouldn't wish to impose my physical looks on others at my age.

Yes definitely the feeling of nakedness can feel good and being in a submissive position that feels really good.

It's interesting that humans get embarrassed by nudity but other animals don't wear clothes. Though many animals are covered in fur.

I Believe that humans being embarrassed by nudity is learned. We learn that we are not supposed to show certain parts of are body, so when we do it can be embarrassing and/or feel erotic.

I think there are many people that don't feel funny being naked.

I like that I feel funny when exposed. I like the thought of being exposed in a medical setting. I also like the actual experiences of exposing my body in medical situations.

I regularly see my role play “Doctor” who examines me thoroughly and most intimately which i still find embarrassing and shaming being naked and exposed for him. Im particularly nervous about my “medical" today as he has invited a trainee male “nurse” to observe and assist him.

Being nude for my “doctor” is humiliating enough but ive been told the attention i can expect from his “nurse” is most necessary despite my embarrassment.

As a CFNM fan, of course the embarassment of being naked in front of a woman is 100% part of the “fun”. Especially (for me) if the woman is fully dressed.

@DrPatient is right, we as humans learn to hide under clothes as we grow. Children don't have this embarassment, they don't care running naked in the courtyard 😄 But as years go, and our body starts to change, we learn to wear clothes, and to feel/think that “thoses parts” are supposed to stay hidden and that showing them to others could (would) be embarassing.

And in the end, we develop some kinks and fetishes about it, and that's great ! 😁

I certainly feel embarrassed and shame when I have to have my genitalia examined in a role play scenario. I think the embarrassment really adds to the excitement.

For me there was more than embarrassment,shame and humiliation in having to undress and become very submissive. When I was 13 I weighed 119 lbs and was tall for my age but I had really prominent man-breasts. So during our annual physicals (my brother and I were both being examined together for our school exams) we both had to strip down to our briefs and I as my mother had quickly stripped my then 5 year old brother to his underpants while I had barely taken off my shoes and socks. During this time the nurse was watching, actually staring at us as we disrobed. So I took off my shirt and undershirt and my prominent breasts stood out. After removing my jeans I walked up to the scale and I caught my image in a full length mirror and saw how my chest stood out ,the nurse could not stop staring at them while she weighed me and took my BP. Even my mom could not help tease me a bit by saying ‘maybe we should get your a bra for this’ as she touched my nipple. Then the doctor came in and told me ‘we will have you dressed very soon’ ,sensing my shyness of my bare chest. She also examined my breasts as I lay down on the exam table and told me what this was, fatty tissue that would go away ,and that sensitivity in that area was very natural as my nipples had popped a bit while she was examining my breasts. That made me so happy! This was the first time someone had understood me in terms of my body and made me feel comfortable in my own skin. Ironically this happened within this melange of shame and humiliation. So the time I felt most understood was also this time of embarrassment. The time I felt most powerful was just seconds before everyone would see my penis and rear as the doctor removed my underpants.

I did have embarrassment when I was about 7 and examined in front of my mother and big brother stripped down to my underwear. When I was weighed the doctor said about me being overweight and discussed it with my mother about how much I needed to lose. When we got home my brother pulled my t-shirt up and wobbled my fat tummy and said "the doc says you're a fatty Scott!"

As a child, there was a large number of undressing in medical institutions. I did not feel humiliation in this, but I felt a strong sense of shame. I was a skinny boy and it didn't bother me. It was very embarrassing to be naked in the presence of young women. The size of my genitals did not interest me at all then, but out of shame I tried to hide behind my hands, causing only smiles from those around me, which further increased the shame.

For me it is a mix of both. I am very embarassed by anticipation of the loss of control having the doctor touching my genitals but also seeing my body completely naked has a major role in humiliation about my physical defects that cannot be anymore hidden. When I was young I always tried to stare to the ceiling of the room during the physical avoiding to see my naked body and the feeling of shame about what doctor and nurse could think during the exam, what they could find anormal, dirty or arousing in a sexual manner.

In RL medical exams we go to great lengths to avoid embarrassing a patient with gowns, drapes, etc. Yet I confess to having some embarrassment when I bend over an exam table to have my prostate checked. In a play exam I recognize it's a much more important component.

I'm not happy with my physical appearance when I see photos of myself. But with some lovely women and friends I've come to feel comfortable with myself, even desired. Thankfully, the shame I felt as a teenager for what I thought were naughty and bad thoughts is much less now.

Still when I'm going for an exam, being examined, and especially after an exam, whether real or play, the embarrassment is always so powerful.

My wife had a rectal exam on Thursday and we were both blushing on the way out. There was a moment - a pause when the consultant said he’d like to do the exam & we looked at each other and nodded ok. Felt like bungee jumping off a bridge. Exciting and scary at the same time.

I was sat at the end of the examination table next to the consultant. When I saw him lift the sheet, exposing her bum & opening her cheeks, my chest was pounding. I’m still blushing now thinking about it. We spoke it about last night and she kind of understands where I’m coming from. I think it’s awkward sometimes for spouses because the examinations ‘are’ important. But once you know everything is going to be alright and this the final part of the appointment, it definitely feels hot seeing her anus, pussy exposed. Something that would never happen in any other ‘regular’ setting.

I lean in the direction (though am not ensconced there) of thinking a lot of what i experience in the embarrassment/shame categories is a conditioned response. It was a mystery to me for years, and both are often exploited to try and restrict certain expressions and behaviors. Growing up gay in a very conservative religious culture that believes and teaches that being same sex attracted is "broken, sinful, perverted... ad nauseam."

i started realizing my (sub) attraction to other boys as young as age 7. When i hit puberty, i consciously acknowledged it to myself. i remember going to the library and looking in the DD card catalog under "H" (for "homosexual") and i was petrified someone would see me looking and figure out i was looking for homosexual info and see that i was homo. i'd furtively go to the section of the library and grab a book that had homosexual info, then take it to another section to open and read it... i'd never put it back where it belonged, being afraid i'd be seen and found out, nor would i sit and read, fearful i'd see someone i knew and they'd ask what i was reading. All of that fear was shame based, and i would have been embarrassed had someone seen or figured it out.

When i turned 14, i became very religious... primarily because i thought "God" (as i had been conditioned to see "God") would fix me, or at least help me not to give in to my attractions. Of course, that was a magical age, puberty, hormones raging. my first wet dream was about a boy i only vaguely knew in passing, "Randy Lay" (lol, no, not kidding, that was really His name). In the dream, He approached me in the hall at school, looked deep into my eyes and gave me a long, deep kiss. i woke up wet. i was also a little perplexed thinking, how can "God" get upset with that? i can't control how i dream... and that did put a question in my mind, but my conditioning ran deep.

It took me till 2006 to process out of my religious conditioning and accept who and how i am. i have a distinct side to myself that is deeply attracted and aroused by what i perceive as "affectionate degradation/humiliation." It's pretty specific stuff. i am not cognitively ashamed of who and how i am sexually, but i still experience emotional embarrassment, and maybe something akin to emotional shame? i do not respond to meanness, bullying or force, and i know a lot of people on both sides (giving/receiving) do. i actually shut down or go the other direction if someone is mean about embarrassing, degrading or humiliating me... which seems counter intuitive, but it's the case with me.

For me, it's the expression of mutual need/desire that is most powerful and controlling with me. If a Man, for instance, has a 'watersports' kink and is really turned on by it, i can connect and bond with Him in that because i have the same kink. The embarrassment and degradation i get is from Him being able to use that to arouse, open and control me. i think the conditioning against it is what has planted the emotional disposition of shame and embarrassment, but the mutual need/desire supersedes that.