What makes us to become Submissive or Dominant?

It depends on whether you like to be the one to be intimidated or to be the one who has the main say

This question is difficult to answer. As a child, I had to obey. My mother taught me the rules, and when words didn't work, she spanked me. Spanking was the quintessence of subordination. I had to bare my buttocks and assume a humiliating position. From the age of 11 I started having an erection while being spanked. Sometimes she appeared during preparations for a spanking. I was afraid of being spanked, but at the same time it turned me on. However, I never dreamed of being subservient. I have always dreamed of dominating another person. Even though you might expect that I would tend to be submissive.

Situations in which I felt humiliated made me feel ashamed. Examples: when I was 15, I had an enema done in the hospital by a nurse who was a student 1-2 years older than me. At the age of 18, I was thoroughly examined naked by a woman during a military medical examination. I was very embarrassed by this, it was the first time I had had a rectal examination. I didn't want these situations, but at the same time they excited me. I remembered them and masturbated. However, I did not dream of repeating them.

For myself when I was about 14 years old I threw a snowball at an older girl who was on her front porch with another girl about the same age. She ran up to me and slapped my face with her girl friend watching.

The Humility of being punished by a girl AND in front of her girlfriend got me excited.

Also my Mom was an Alpha woman! Strong willed and independent!

So needless to say my wife is the same!

We have been together for more than 50 years.

A few years ago she finally said to me "I have allways been a BITCH"

It was about 2-3 years after we were together I gave her a paddle to use on ME!

She took to it like a "Duck to water"!

She found that she got WET and i got hard!

I'm not sure. I think it was all the enemas I had growing up & having others watch.

@Funforus, You are entitled to your position, however, no one was applying a label to you nor was it implied that relationships are binary in the sense of dominant/submissive as that would be totally foolish. Most of us know there can be a blurring of the lines, there are switches, tops, bottoms, etc. and no one is trying to pigeon hole you. The original poster was referring to those that do identify in the realm of dominants and submissives. Therefore, you may identify as you like and the "artificial label" as you mentioned is false idea here and no one is limited.

For me I believe it was my mother, she was the primary disciplinarian in the family, I received many spankings from her, she was in control ,

I have always liked the idea of being paddled by a mature female, my most memorable spankings were when I was 14 , she ordered me to go to her and take down my pants and underwear and lay on the bed, I had a firm erection from the minute those words left her mouth to the last time the belt landed on my bare bottom, and the most memorable and still gets me going to this day was the two paddlings I received from my Aunt, who’s words still ring in my ears, take off you pants and underwear and bend over, I’m going to paddle your bottom.

Now a days my wife will say” would you like me to paddle your bottom ? Or I think you need a spanking mister go get the paddle!

I’m not saying I wouldn’t like to paddle someone’s bottom, male or female but I prefer to go get the paddle and hand it to someone and bare my bottom and bend over and wait for the burn and sting to start, the anticipation from the time the paddle is lightly touched on my bottom to full impact is very exciting.

I don't even know which one I am to be honest.

I was never disciplined physically and have always been independent and never put up with any unfairness whatsoever but yet in my teens, I had the more standard submissive fantasies.

At one point I guess something just clicked. Yes, I like the "Submissive" role, but I want full control ever everything. It has to be fun for me and if I don't like it, then no. I also find it hot when subs are fully into it, asking for it and clearly enjoying it while saying no and resisting things is a big turn off.

@BlueDiamond maybe you’re a switch? It’s ok to have dreams of being the dominant and submissive within certain scenes

I, too, think the psychology is too deep to be solved here. What makes some people highly competitive and driven to succeed while others are go-with-the-flow? Why are some people terrified of public speaking while others find it easy? Why does one person want to be a flamboyant singer strutting around on stage like a peacock while his band mate is perfectly happy blending into the shadows plucking on a bass guitar?

I think desires for sexual domination and submissiveness is very much related, but just not discussed as much in the open.

Me? I'm about 50/50. I've always been the submissive patient when meeting people for role play exams. And I was typically pretty happy letting my wife be on top or otherwise controlling our sex (back when we were still doing such things). But I often fantasize about being in control of a medical examination or sexual encounter.

@naughtydoc, there are plenty of people who are what you call dominant outside the bedroom and in there professional or occupational jobs. That does not make them a switch, How many people in high job positions running departments and companies are dominated as subs, slaves outside of work.

I, too, think the psychology is too deep to be solved here.

I totally agree - it's a mystery...

There are two parts to this,

1 I got tired of doing all the work

2 As I aged important body parts didn't work as well. My libido was strong, I never lost interest, lost my performance abilities. It took some time but now I am submissive to my wife and her boyfriends.

Whoever said this was too deep to get to the bottom of is probably right. If I had to take a wild guess, I would say it is a combination of upbringing and life experiences that decide one way or the other how you turn out, whether it is in life or in the bedroom or whatever. Probably a lot to do with relationships a person is exposed to when they are young, parents, grandparents. How you view interactions between men and women, etc.

Before my parents got divorced, I remember them getting in a fight once and my mom locked herself in her room, had to have been hours. I don't remember, but my dad ended up removing a piece of the door to talk to her. I don't remember what they were arguing about but I do remember thinking my wife would open the door. I'm not gonna have that. And later on when they were getting divorced, she seemed to be the more dominant one of the two. And I think I decided for myself then that I was not gonna deal with something like that. And also no divorce. Marry one time and that's it. I plan on sticking to that, too.

From the sexual side of it, I already had the medical fetish at that point, so I think being more dominant sexually was a natural extension of that. Someone a little ways up the thread said it depended on if you wanted to be intimidated or do the intimidating, but I don't think that is true for everyone. You can be dominant without being intimidating. I would rather approach it with the idea that men should lead and women should follow, but to make it fair, as a man, you should be someone she wants to follow, not because she's afraid of what will happen if she doesn't. And by the same logic, I want her to want to submit sexually, so I would not do well with someone who wants to be forced. Just not my nature.

I think this does go to the whole nurture vs nature debate and does not just apply to sex but many other aspects of our lives. To make it more mysterious sexuality is so diverse I dont think you could possible fully understand why you like some things and not others. I also dont think we are every full one or the other - dominant or submissive. It just depends on how much time we spend in which mode. Some move easily between them and along the spectrum while others stay more or less in one or the other and don't shift easily. I also think circumstances and situations have a lot to do with this. You can be dom in one scenario and sub in another. I think the trick is to find out for yourself where you are and what you enjoy, that takes quite a lot of work and sometimes facing things we might not like about ourselves.

I am not able to add anything to the discussion except my own experience and one particular relationship in particular. I lived in one neighborhood most of my growing up years, 5 until I moved out on my own at 19. I had the same friends which included males and females and we weren't open enough to act sexually or even speak about it.

But when I was about 13 a new family moved in with an older girl, 16 or so if I recall correctly. She was much more mature than any of us and she took a liking to me. She taught me how to eat her pussy and would have me do it often. She wasn't interested in doing anything for me at all. She would have me come to her house when her parents were at work and in the garage would lay on a hammock and let me pull down her pants and lick her. She would tell me what felt good and what to do, even holding my head in place at times. And I was so happy to please her that way. I didn't really become erect or anything, I was actually still quite small in the manhood department.

She had a friend Jill who was her age or older and she would have her watch me licking her friend, Mickey. I think it was Jill who really pushed things and said since I was seeing Mickey's pussy I should have to be nude so they could see me. And if I didn't they would stop allowing me to lick Mickey. Of course I agreed. When I stripped they would make fun of my cock. So small and such little hair. They said it was good I was able to lick pussy because my dick was useless. And each time, Jill especially, would make fun of me. In time she wanted to see if I could cum and would have me jerk off and cum. Mickey allowed her friend Jill to say or tell me whatever she wanted me to do. And after they watched me cum they would have me dress and leave. I think they may have even had me wear Mickey's panties a time or two or more. And I couldn't wait until I was allowed to do it again.

I had some tendency to dress in feminine clothing even before this so it may have been they just discovered a submissiveness that was waiting to be exposed in my sexual life. I felt like an alpha in most things but these two knew who I really was, and I am sure were responsible for the things that turn me on, even today.

I'm going to add my vote to those saying it is too complicated for quick answers.

I know I had several formative experiences during a critical period in a young man's life (12-15) that were deeply embarrassing and probably led me to being submissive in my early adulthood especially when older women were involved. But there also came a point when I was around 30 when a switch seemed to flip and I became very dominant.

I also know that when I was 40 and I met my wife I buried all of this deep inside of me and during the 15 years we were married never did anything like this in any regard. I think if she found out about this side of me, it would surprise her.

And before anyone suggests it, she passed away two years ago, which may be why I am unlocking this all again.

Interesting topic. I definitely did not like spankings when I was younger. Probably because I got lots of them!!! Deserved too. I did see a girl cousin my age get an over the knee, bare-bottom spanking once and that was rather arousing for me. But for me to be the recipient, no. I was always into enemas, especially with her!!! Now that I am older, and have had some spankings before being given enemas, I have come around to kind of liking them. Go figure. Takes some maturity and exposure I guess.

As a lot of us, I'm quite submissive and at the same time also dominant ... saying, submissive in a medical setting to the doctor with in mind the fact that you do as being told and go with the exams that are needed according to him/her. And if it happens that the doc would like some pleasure out of the exam, I would be jte one supplying it and also will have to submit to the procedures that are happening.

At the same time, in a complete other setting, I would be quite dominant deciding on the way to go forward, putting it all together, pointing out what I would want to do and want to be done and accomplished. That can also be while having sex with my partner, again, can be both ways there according to the atmosphere and what we both would like at that moment. All is about pleasure and enjoyment at that moment.

In play exams, I always follow the doc (mostly female) and her decisions, so, there again being the one who follows and the one who is used for pleasure, and available to do what's needed.

I’m going with the environment you were in as a child, the first time you were sexually aroused.

Add to that, sexual abuse, and any sexual contact you had the first 13 years of your life.

The emotional dynamics with your parents the first 13 years of your life. Were your parents divorced? Parent abandonment issues?

In a nutshell, explained to me by my psychiatrist friend.