What makes us to become Submissive or Dominant?

I wonder how we become submissive or dominant. Possible we are not totally one or the other. I believe we slide one way of the two options and it might depend on our early years, what we were exposed to, also certain people we were close to in everyday activities that influence our feelings. These are just a few of the possible options. I think we all have some of both submissive and dominate tendencies that are determined by situations, people we are in contact at a given time, and our mood we are in at any given time. I will write more when I have time on some of my personal opinions, I'm submissive 90 percent of the time and I feel it all started with my un-usual childhood. I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions. Also questions you might have for me.

Either way sounds exciting and fun

@janie39 et al, I was in my mid 30's when I was pondering the same questions trying to make sense of things. I came up with something I call power dynamics based on my observations. I am suspicious of anyone who says they are 100% dominant or submissive as we are complex individuals. I agree with you and that it is like the Ying and the Yang, I think a dominant needs to know a bit about what it is to be submissive so they are in touch with that side and vice versa. I think it depends on the situation just how dominant or submissive we are and it is dynamic in nature and sometimes there are power struggles of who is in control. One example I use is the cop who has pulled someone over for speeding, the cop is maintaining control, the speeder is trying to take control and manipulate there way out of a ticket. Now you have a struggle for control or power, and you have other examples in everyday life. Now I do believe that we tend to be one or the other, I am excluding those who call themselves switches, tops, and bottoms. My experience has shown me that it is an inherent part of who you are, and one could debate the nature versus the nurture thing of which I believe is a combination of things. All this led me to a saying I have which is as follows.

Dominants and submissives are born, but as with most things they must be nurtured so that they can blossom and mature.

For years the psychology people have been trying to figure out what makes the people into BDSM tick. To date, none that I know of have been able to figure it out. One thing we in the BDSM community have figured out is that the majority are higher on the IQ scale and tend to be more balanced than the normal population. My personal take is that an answer will emerge as people look inside them and look for the answers, and slowly a pattern(s) will start to emerge.

I am neither.

I am mostly dominant. As a teenager I was very dominant. I always loved restraining people and inflicting pain. Around my middle twenties I started to switch with my husband as he learned how to be a Dom. We implicitly trust each other. That does NOT mean we don't use a safe word because there are times where a knot can slide, severe cramps can develop or other randomly unforeseen incident can occur. If I trust the dominant partner, I can be extremely submissive. I will sub for some women. I don't sub for men other than my husband, but will top from the bottom if I am teaching a man to be dominant. My husband and I have restrained each other to the point where if we wanted, we could kill the other person if we wanted to. So far, that has not been a problem!!! 😁 😁 😁

My parents knew I had a dominant personality (NOT necessarily defiant, contrary or confrontational) since I was a child and my mother even told me that as a teenager, for about a year after my husband (then boyfriend) and I did the est seminars (Erhard Seminar Training) that I was difficult to live with because I firmly expressed myself like we were taught in est. The est seminars are another story.

I don't consider myself to be a full blown Dom in the truest sense of the word but I do have those tendencies. It could have been the fact I am the oldest of 9 and as such had responsibilities and control over them from a young age. I was also immersed in a business type culture and ran some crews as a teenager. Being in a consulting business for decades also probably helped add some tendencies as well. It's no secret I like smart girls,especially when they are over my knee.

I thought Susie's and Master Dorsans posts to be very enlightening. Good job to both.

In my vanilla life, I have a very demanding job where I am in control of others. When I play, I enjoy being a sub and directed. However, I find pleasure in administering examinations as well.

In my vanilla life, I have a very demanding job where I am in control of others. When I play, I enjoy being a sub and directed. However, I find pleasure in administering examinations as well.

Me too before I more or less retired. I've always been a switch from at least my 20's and especially love taking long large enemas from my ex, a trusted switch Domme. Since she enjoyed getting enemas from me (when I was her husband) we switched and I did also love giving them to her and listening and watching her submit to them. But the intense physical as well as emotional and psychological sensations from acting and feeling intensely controlled and submissive for an enema was a great thrill for both of us.

Eric

I don’t know the psychology of it. Too complex.

I just know that sometimes it’s exciting and fun and erotic to be in charge. Like, to tell a woman “it’s time for your spanking” and then watch her pull her pants down and lie across my lap silently, waiting to have her beautiful bare bottom swatted with my hand.

Other times it’s also exciting and very erotic to do what a woman tells me. Like, she grabs my face to make me look at her then tells me “Feels like you have a fever. Go get the thermometer and Vaseline and lie down on the couch.” And my protests that the drapes are open are ignored.

In childhood I was forced to receive temps, suppositories , enemas , injections. Always against my will as kicking and crying. Adults holding me down leads me to submisive tendencies till 12 years old, but when puberty hits me, I reverse that role and became a sadistic dominant.

I started out neutral, neither dominant or submissive, but as time passed, I realized that being Susan's sexual submissive was not only an important part of her development, but mine too. I could tell that if I didn't learn to be dominant at times, I could be suppressed. Knowing that, and after several conversations, Susan taught me to be her Dom. By our mid twenties we were equals and evenly matched.

Susan said

My parents knew I had a dominant personality (NOT necessarily defiant, contrary or confrontational) since I was a child and my mother even told me that as a teenager, for about a year after my husband (then boyfriend) and I did the est seminars (Erhard Seminar Training) that I was difficult to live with because I firmly expressed myself like we were taught in est. The est seminars are another story.

I remember that period very well. Susan, who was always very assertive (that's a grand understatement) became impossible after we did the est seminars. To say she was a Bitch Domme even before we ever had sex would also have been an understatement. She always made sure she got what she wanted. If we didn't love each and have a deep seated respect for each other before having sex with each other, we might not have lasted as a couple. Neither of us implicitly respect anyone. Susan and I never had a problem finding people for sex. That's not what kept us together. It was the meeting of our minds and way of looking at the world that enabled us to live our lives together.

I don't really have anything to point to that makes me a switch. I know there have been times in my life when I wanted to be in charge, and times that I was interested in being taken care of.

My husband's father left when he was young. He had to step into the role of "man of the house" very early. As a result, he is tired of taking care of others, and wants to be taken care of by me and others.

We have opened our marriage to find play partners that will allow us both to get our needs met. So far, it has worked out fine. A few bumps in the road, but we love each other.

For me working 10-12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, come time off at end of I am ready to stop being the boss and let someone else take the responsibility.

I want to cum snd I wanted to suck cock about this naturally making the sub in the relationship I don't know why that was. Why I developed that but it's what I always wanted sexually from the start.

When I got into my first relationship or he asked me when I come up there for what did I want and I told him I wanted to suck cock and he said well suck my cock and that's all relationship after that just naturally made me the sub.

I tend to think of myself as naturally and nurtured submissive. I was raised in a very religious household by my grandparents, and as my mother's behavior essentially labeled her the troublemaker of the family, I was expected to be the counterpart - the good girl who was talented, excelled in school, etc. That's a lot of pressure on a child, and drove home a need to always behave, always excel, be a perfectionist, tightly rein in and control personal behavior, etc.

Add to this certain choices, such as joining the military, where discipline is a must, and working in EMS/FD where I am the highest trained in my ambulance and thus always in charge, and you have someone who is used to having to be in control. However, others have mentioned the personality change that I have when in that environment - it is a much different person that you see, because I have to change who I am to fit into the environment.

Times in my life when this self-control and in-charge attitude have been involuntarily taken away (such as illness at work) leaves me very lost and emotional. It's not pretty. But when given the opportunity to hand over control voluntarily, such as being a sub in a BDSM context, or a patient in a medfet context… that's different. It's very freeing. I'm allowed to let go because I know I can trust the play doc/Dom/Top I'm with at that time.

Rope bondage has been the most freeing experience I have ever had, and now not being in a context where I have the opportunity to be tied has its drawbacks. What once was a great outlet to let me be free has gone, and I've yet to really find anything to replace it.

Also, because I know what will happen if I don't add this disclaimer: no, I do not Top, and I have no interest in examining or Topping anyone.

Anyway, my $0.02.

I’ve always considered myself as submissive willing to let others make decisions tell me what we will be doing I've always been drawn to Dominant ppl both Male and Female and want to be the submissive one with who I meet up with.

For me sub is like being cared for and dom is caring for. I am mostly sub, but I am also a switch. Even things like restraints feel like taking care of for me. I love the idea of being stripped down, put into a hospital gown, and then being put in restraints on a bed. Or me doing that to someone. I also like physical exams. Getting really thoroughly examined. I love the attention and the feeling of submitting. Doing this for someone else is nice too. But I would rather be in the submissive position.

I think for me it is the attention and feeling that I am being helped. Being restrained feels good because I feel like I'm being kept safe. I have a temper at times and being restrained makes me feel cared for because I can't act out. I like feeling disciplined and controlled because at times I lack my own self control.

As for me, it all depends on if I am with a female or another male. If I am with a female, I feel that I sometimes need to be the Dom and sometimes that I need to be the sub. If I am with another male, I always want to be the sub.

I have always felt that need when I am with another person. How I got that way, I really do not know. It is just something that I felt as soon as I was interested in sex.

In my opinion there are not a lot of people who are truly submissive or dominant in their everyday lives. I think it is more an issue of being kinky in their sexual practices and when doing this they like to take the submissive or dominant role. In my case, I like to take the submissive role when with a women sexually, but I am not submissive at all in my everyday life to include work life and my relationship with a women. I believe in equal partnership when it comes to living.

I am the oldest of 4 so taking care of others and watching out for them is a base part of my being. I had to be the authority at times. I had to be the care giver. I had to be in charge. I did alot for my siblings.

But there were those times, growing up, others with more authority were who I submitted to. To do what they wanted or expected of me. It was just what a child did when an adult took lead.

In my kinky life I do have a submissive side…I just chose to not let it out all that often and only to my sub.

In my real life I show respect where it is expected, needed, or earned…which looks like submission. But most of the time I am a Miss and let no one bowl me over for their own glory or ego.

I think being surrounded by powerful women as family and friends, when I was young, makes me realize the power women have on me.

And that advanced into my sex life as well, seeing women as strong, sexy, dominant persons.

Za

In my opinion there are not a lot of people who are truly submissive or dominant in their everyday lives. I think it is more an issue of being kinky in their sexual practices and when doing this they like to take the submissive or dominant role.

I agree. In my case, I'm not submissive at all in my daily life, but I enjoy being submissive in bondage play situations. I believe that's also one reason why I like medfet since it's just another way of demonstrating your submission to the doctor or nurse. For me submission during play is an escape from the real world where I am not submissive.

For work I have no issue taking control, delegating tasks, and ensuring things are taken care of. Work can be extremely stressful at times.

Sometimes when I get home, I wish I had someone else to step up, make decisions, and direct me in what to do, more so when feeling overwhelmed and frazzled. I am in a LDR with Sir and have on occasion deferred to him.

When it comes to the bedroom, I despise having to make decisions and prefer to be told what to do. Having to make decisions or formulate answers more than a yes/no causes a whirlwind of thoughts, ideas, emotions and dampens my arousal.

A few males, just my experience, in my vanilla life believe a female should be subservient to them. Uh not going to happen with me. Especially if you are wrong, being an ass, saying something stupid, or trying to “flex your muscles” as a “strong male” I'm not going to keep quiet. They may not like that I will assert myself and my opinion. Do I care…no.

First off, this is for real world, not bedroom play. I believe all should have the ability to express their opinions, right or wrong. Nobody should assume their views are better than anyone else. You should show respect for people and not attack them just because they don't agree with you. Sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case that much anymore. Everyone is different, that's why they have menus in restaurants.

Let me start by saying that my counselor in college accused me of majoring in 101, yet somehow I never took a course in psychology. I did have a sub for about 7 years who was submissive through and through. In my not-so-learned-opinion, I believe it stems from the fact that not too many years after she was married, her husband became an invalid. There were 2 toddlers by then, and she became the only breadwinner in the family. She put herself through college, got a degree in bio-mechanical engineering, raised the 2 boys, nursed her husband, and worked full time. Don't ask me how, because I never could have done all that. When I came into the picture, she wanted and needed a reprieve from making decisions. She wanted someone else to decide what she would do next, who would be on top, what to wear, or not wear, etc. I have read that many high-level executives and managers become submissive after working hours. Or maybe it's all genetics, I dunno.

I have never been sexually active with a partner. I am severely physically disabled and because of that, I'd assume I'd either be a switch or lean dom. I have certain limitations that would inform how sex would work for me, and would need that to be respected. Perhaps because of these limitations, my main fantasy these days is simply to recieve a very tight, very wet and sloppy tongue swirl blow job (no teeth) leading into her willingly taking a deep. sloppy throat fuck, all while I am lying supine.

Plus, I have lots of clothing fetishes: authentic schoolgirl outfits with sweater tights, frilly nightgowns with tights and satin booties (think Clara in the Nutcracker), and, of course, medical grade masks (including elastomeric half mask respirators).

My non-dom side is that I'd want to have an idea of her fetishes and kinks, too, and accomodate them to the extent I was comfortable doing so.

I think all of this has to do with my physical limitations, including the fact that, at 45, I have not ever played around with a girl (besides being kissed by a few at 15). So, these decades of denial have made me very, very interested in having my sexual needs met, whether or not hers are, too.

What makes us dominant or submissive... Now that's a great question. Seriously, this is one of the best questions I've seen on this forum, I would like more of these.

I do not know how your psyche and your psychological organisms work, but for myself I will say that I can become submissive only on the condition that I see that my partner treats me anxiously and courteously when he sees what I need and gives it to me when I see that he likes to be in charge of someone. Otherwise, I always try to be "at the top" and then I surround my partner with whatever he wants. If we talk about the desire to become "at the top" from the side of psychology, then for myself I will also say that sometimes I want to tickle these sweet nerves and cause these amazing sensations - these ones when you understand that your partner is only yours and nobody else's, when you understand that you are free to do whatever you want, and you can give him everything that you both need.

However, this also has its side of the coin.

As long as I'm in my relationship with my boyfriend, I'm always at the top. Always. And he is a sweet and very shy passive, but sometimes I like to somehow psychologically hurt him so that he is embarrassed more than usual.))

If you see me as a dominant, then I'll be one of the most caring dominants in this damn world (at least my ex-gfs think so. 😃). And if as a submissive, then I can give my partner almost complete freedom of action over myself.

Hi, I'm currently in uni and i major in psychology. Dominance and submission is a topic we discussed in “Theories of Personality” class so i have a pretty neat idea why some are dominant and some are submissive but will not give a lengthy and very elaborate insight since the concept is very theory heavy. Long story short, people develop a dominant or submissive personality based on many factors, but mainly due to how our ego (sense of identity/ self-esteem) will feel safe, and our ego's dynamics with our id (part of us demanding pleasure). Depending on how we were raised and the experiences we had growing up, some of us might have felt pleasure and safety in possessing control and power resulting in preferring dominance. Whereas, some felt pleasure and safety from being taken care of, protected, and being over powered, resulting in preferring submission.

I'm certainly not going to argue with the psychology in the previous post because I am illiterate in that area. My perspective is stronger people become dominate, weaker people become submissive. What makes them that way could be a physical or mental strength or weakness.

This is oversimplification and probably there are some very good arguments to put me in my place.