August 21, 1958

What a busy day today! We went to church and since it was my birthday the ladies had a cake for me. I am 19 now! Then mom, pa, and sis took me for a picnic… It was so sunny! I got a little burned in the face because I didn’t follow my mom’s advice to avoid swimming today. Tomorrow starts my second year of nursing school. I am excited to start the practical side of things and be working in the hospital. That first year was rather boring. Nothing but books and labs. My biggest worry is the new group of med students experimenting on us… It’s the dreaded gynecology exam we are all expected to get from them… And this pap smear thing… Yes it’s supposed to be saving lives but I’ve never even seen a penis let alone have sex… I actually wish I was having my period right now so I could get out of it. I’ll report back…

August 22, 1958

Today was awful… maybe I’ll write about it later. I just want to go to sleep.Only told my mom about it. Sis is sleeping in her bed next to me and I just can’t doze off… Mom said it’s OK but I just feel dirty.

August 23, 1958

Well I guess it’s the 23rd now… It’s just past midnight mom heard me moving around the house. Came downstairs and saw me watching the test pattern on the new TV. She made me tea and talked a bit. It’s her idea that I write down what happened. Being the English teacher she is; thinks it will help.

After the morning orientation Nurse Henderson sent us to the hospital rec room. They started calling us in groups of four… I think I was in the third group. With me were Margie Blackwell, Barb Wilson, and I was a little thankful that my best friend Annie Martin. We went downstairs with Nurse Henderson to a clinic waiting area. In that firm but somehow kind way she told us all to undress completely and gave us bathrobes while we waited. She then told us she made special arrangements so that we could have the rest of the day off once we were finished… She left us to undress and I heard her talking with the doctors in the next room but couldn’t really hear what was said.

She came back and those of us feeling a little shy about the undressing were simply told to “Hurry up, you don’t have any parts your friends don’t have, so don’t be shy.” in a way only a former army nurse could. Then once we were all in our robes she told us we’d be pared off. We’d take each others vital signs then one of us would chaperone the other. Then “not to worry girls.”

Finally the door opened and an older doctor came out and said “I’m ready for your girls nurse.” We were paraded in and there stood four interns. There were two exam tables with stirrups next to each other separated by screens. Suddenly what was about to happen became too real to me. I wanted to run away. Then nurse Henderson split us up… Annie and I, and Margie and Barb… we were handed our sheets for the vitals when I heard Barb say “Rectal Temperature?!”

“You’ll need to give a few as nurses.” was all Nurse Henderson said before we walked over to our assigned exam areas.

I got my vitals taken first. I managed some modesty by only sliding an arm out of the robe… It just felt so much more exposing than a shower in the nurses locker. Then it was time for my temperature. I laid on my stomach and just let it happen. Other than my best friend staring at my anus it wasn’t so bad. Better than I remember them as a little girl anyways.

When I did Annie’s it was a bit more awkward for both of us. She’s better figured than me and it just felt so awkward spreading her cheeks apart.. And well I have never seen an anus before… But we got through it. She actually laughed when I inserted it. Nurse Henderson shouted out “Girls be serious!” but I chuckled nervously… “These things are so cold.” she whispered back.

Well somehow I was elected to be examined first with Annie as the chaperone… Barb was the other to go first. I had to give up my bathrobe which by then was tied tightly around me and I was given a sheet. Nurse Henderson and the older doctor stood back so they’d have a view of both exams and the older doctor sent an intern forward. And great, I got the one who looked the most nervous… And geez he brought his stupid notes with him.

He introduced himself as Doctor Mason, did the usual niceties… then asked me every detail he could think of about my menstrual cycle, any sexual history, my mother’s “reproductive” history, noting everything down on his papers… He sensed I was probably a bit annoyed by that and in the most awkward way possible muttered out “Oh… I...I.. Need to note… everything.” Next he had me lower the sheet, and listened to my heart and lungs. That was fine then he started examining my breasts! Like having me lean forward, lean back, feeling under my arms.. Along the sides. Noting my breast size… Meanwhile he’s glancing over at his notes and reading them to himself! “Note breast size… small...Exam breasts in small circular motions with pads of fingers.” So he examines my breasts sitting up. Has me lay down and does it again… Then I heard him read “Check nipples for discharge.” next thing I know he’s touching them!

Anyways he’s reading out to himself the shopping list of how to examine my abdomen with the sheet all the way down to my hips with my pubic hair for everyone to see. If that’s all that happened I bet I’d have been fine. Next thing I know he’s having Annie help put my feet in the stirrups, sitting between my legs telling me to keep scooting down. I thought I was about to fall off before he made me stop. Then he says “Open your legs for me.” Then I hear the old doctor telling him to “Maybe rephrase that.” and he says “OK umm… I think I’m supposed to say ``let your legs fall open at your hips.”

So now there is some man sitting between my legs looking at my vagina. He puts a spotlight on it. OK so now what? A man I don’t know is Looking there. My best friend is watching and so is some older doctor and the head of my nursing school looking on from across the room. He’s reading a damn script to himself while rummaging through my pubic hair. I just focused on the crack ceiling. I heard him say something about pushing back my clitoral hood and felt a shock of cold air. Then his fumbling fingers bumped there and I nearly shot out of the room. “Oh no. I’m sorry.” was all he could muster before going back to his notes. It just got worse. “Assess hymen and note presence and type… Annular mostly intact… What speculum do I use?” and the old doctor walks over while he’s holding me open and says “Small Peter… 90% of these girls will be a small.”

He fumbled around some more and then he’s trying to put it in me. I nearly screamed it was so cold and hurt so bad… Pushing it in, moving it around…starting to open it... taking it out… pushing it back in… I started to cry. It felt so awful… “I can’t… I can’t… I can’t find her cervix!”

“OK Give the young lady some time to relax.. And that’s a medium Peter… Use the smaller one… now try again… slower… 45 degree angle downward… Downward Peter… there… now get it into position… open it slowly…There now carry on…”

“Everything looks healthy miss… you might feel some cramping next.”

I let out a loud ouch when he did the pap and my vagina still hurts. I am pretty sure he broke my maidenhood. I was trying so hard to hold it together and took a deep breath. It was just so uncomfortable… I know I was crying. He put his fingers in me next and said he was feeling my ovaries and uterus. I just couldn’t get past how sore I felt down there. I thought it was all over when I hear him mumbling about a rectovaginal something. I hear gloves coming off and thought it was finally over… Then I hear gloves going back on… and he’s pushing a finger in my bottom! Then another back in my vagina… I nearly sat up! “I… I… I am sorry… I forgot to ask you to bare down.” It felt like I’d poop all over the place as his fingers came out. Thank god I didn’t… AND it still wasn’t over… He put his finger back in my bottom and twisted it around…

“Miss...Miss… I’m done now… You can sit up…” And sit up I did! “I’m so sorry… I am…”

“Just zip it doctor.” I said in tears as he just stood there.

Annie helped me get up and Nurse Henderson rushed right over.

“Deary you got a little more spotting than usual. Why don’t you grab this sanitary napkin and get your knickers on and come back.”

Spotting! I was bleeding! The only reason I went back was for Annie… It was so awkward to see my friend like that. She was probably terrified because of what I just went through. Though she tried to make me feel better and kept making silly eyes at me when her doctor did the breast exam and he didn’t need to read his notes the whole time! It was even more awkward to help her get into the stirrups and see her exposed and opened like that. I know my dark hair must have stood out but she’s the only redhead in the class. The doctor kept telling her to relax and how tense she seemed… Gee I wonder why… Though he managed to find her cervix on the first try and other than grasping onto the sheet it seemed to go better for her.

When Nurse Henderson let us get dressed I nearly started to run home. I just couldn't though. I didn’t want anyone to see me. I really wasn’t sure what to do and wandered around town a bit and all I did was end up at the drugstore soda fountain across from the hospital. At that moment I was sure I wasn’t going back tomorrow… I’m still not sure… But Nurse Henderson came in. “I was looking for you dear… I know today was scary… traumatic… and you probably had the worst experience of everyone there. But I think you’ll make a great nurse if you stick with it. Come back tomorrow ok dear?” She paid for my ice cream soda and I walked home.

Ok same day different hour… It’s about 8PM now and I am exhausted… So little sleep and an early morning… But I went back. Spent the day cleaning and sterilizing surgical instruments. Though I was lucky it was just Barb and I in a back room. She tried to talk to me about yesterday but I just didn’t want to. I’m still not sure I’ll go back tomorrow… I saw doctor Mason at the main entrance so I left out the back door… I really don’t want to ever see him again.

August 29th, 1958

Sorry I skipped a few days. Just been so tired and busy.. Still going out of my way to avoid Doctor Mason. He seems like he’s everywhere I need to go! Not sure how much longer I can do that… sigh… Well I had a day off today and Annie and I drove off to her grandparent’s farm… We are spending the night here and just snuck in from sneaking out to skinny dip. Something changed about it though… In my mind I kept seeing her in the the stirrups again. Same thing with anyone I happen to see in the student nurses locker room. Wondering what they look like in that position… Damn doctor bent my mind! I am sure it will wear off… though Annie made a comment that she really didn’t expect the first man to see her on her back would be that clinical about it… Gave me a little laugh.

August 30th, 1958

Home now. Going back to the Hospital tomorrow… Annie managed to get us a work assignment together tomorrow.