I was in the middle of a particularly awful dream and trying to get away from Jane, who had me pinned on the ground. “Let me go, you stupid bitch or I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document!”

“Meredith, wake up! You‘re having a bad dream.” I opened my eyes and saw Doc. He was holding my wrists down. Right away, I remembered what I’d just said.

“Doc, did I just call you a bitch?”

“Yes, hon, you did. But I think you were still dreaming.”

“OMG, Doc”, I said in horror. “I am so sorry! I thought I was talking to Jane. I’d never, ever call you a bad name!” I was so horrified at what I’d said to him.

“I figured that, hon. Don’t worry about it, you were still dreaming, that’s not your fault.”

I looked around me. I was on the floor. Doc was straddling me. WTF?? “How did I get down here, Doc?”

He let go of my wrists and got off of me, kneeling beside me. I sat up. “You climbed over the rail and fell, hon. I was just coming back from the staff washroom when I saw you on your way over. I couldn‘t get to you fast enough to stop you.” He turned to the nurses who had come into the room when they heard the commotion. “You can go back now, I’ll take care of her and get her back to bed. Could you please turn the cardiac and pulse ox monitors off?” The alarms from both were going off. “Everything came off her when she fell.” Once they had done that, they left the room.

“I guess that would explain all this pain”, I said as I sat up.

“Where are you hurting, Meredith?”

“Mostly my side, Doc.”

“Let me see, hon.” He pulled my gown up. There was blood on the dressing that covered my incision. “Hang in there while I wash my hands and put gloves on.” In a minute, he was peeling off some of the tape holding the gauze in place, then he lifted an end of the dressing and looked under it. “It seems you’ve popped a few stitches.” I groaned. “That’s the least of my worries.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m concerned about the internal stitches and bleeding. Lie back down, please.” He began to feel around the surgical area.

“Doc, don’t do that! It hurts!” I tried to move away from him.

“I’m sorry, hon.” He continued palpating.

“Doc! Stop, please!” I grabbed his hand and tried to pull it off me.

“Meredith, I’m sorry, but I have to. I’ll just be a couple seconds more.” When he was done, he asked, “Is the pain worse than before you went to sleep?” I nodded. “How much worse?”

“A lot.”

“What number are you at?

“10.”

“What was it before?”

I thought a moment. “5 or 6.”

“Are you hurting anywhere else that you weren’t hurting before, or weren’t hurting as bad?”

“My left foot and arm. But the arm isn’t real bad, just sore.”

“How about your back?” I shook my head no.

Doc looked at my arm and had me move my wrist and fingers. “It’s not broken, just bruised. You landed on your left side, which explains the pain. I’m going to get you back into bed and then I’m going to order an ultrasound for your surgical area and an X-ray for your foot.” He got up and put the rail down on the bed, then he bent down and put one arm around my back and the other under my knees. He picked me up and set me down on the bed. He put the rail back up. “Obviously, these rails don’t prevent you from climbing out of bed, but at least they will stop you from rolling out of it in your sleep.”

“I’m sorry, Doc.”

“It’s not your fault, Meredith.” He put the pulse ox back on my finger and the cardiac leads on my chest, turned on the monitors, then pulled the covers over me. I curled up on my side, which is typical of me when I‘m in a lot of pain or upset about something. I felt myself trembling again. Doc looked at the monitor with concern. “What is it, Doc?” I asked.

“Your vitals are up again, Meredith. You need to relax.”

“That’s easier said than done, Doc.”

“I know, hon. But you need to try. I’m going to go order that ultrasound and X-ray. I’ll be back shortly.”

He took longer than I thought he would. In the meantime, I tried to stay awake as I did not want to fall asleep and have more nightmares. Finally, Doc came back to my room. He had a clipboard in one hand and a syringe in the other.

“Hon, this is a surgical consent form. I want you to sign it before I give you your pain medication because it will make you drowsy and render anything you sign after that meaningless. You can’t consent to surgery unless you are alert enough to understand what you are consenting to.”

“Why do I need surgery?”

“I don’t know if you do or not. If the ultrasound finds internal bleeding, you will need it.”

I looked at the form. In the space for surgeon’s name, Doc had written “Chad Watters”. “No, Doc. That jackass is not operating on me.”

“He’s who’s on call tonight.”

“I don’t care. He’s not touching me.”

“Meredith, be reasonable.”

“I’m not in the mood to be ‘reasonable’, Doc. Please drop it.”

“You know, he didn’t have anything good to say about you either when I called him to alert him that he may have to come in to operate on you.”

“I’m sure he didn’t.”

“But he still said he would come in if you need surgery.”

“He has to. If he refused, he’d be in a world of trouble with his licensing body.”

“Please sign the form, Meredith.”

“No.”

“I don’t like doing this, but I can play hardball if that’s what you want. You don’t get your pain medication until you sign.”

“Fine, then I won’t have it. In fact, I’ll go home. I‘ll come back when someone else is on call.” I threw off the blankets and reached under my gown and started pulling the cardiac leads off my chest.

Doc grabbed my wrists and stopped me from pulling any more off. A nurse appeared in the doorway, asking if everything was all right. “I have it under control”, he said to her. “She just pulled some of the leads off.” The nurse left and Doc said to me. “I can’t force you to sign the consent form, but I *can* put you in restraints. Don’t make me do it.”

“Bring me the AMA papers, I want to sign out.”

“I won’t let you. I will have you committed involuntarily.”

“You can’t do that, Doc.”

“Want to bet?” he replied as he put the leads back on. “We’ve been through this discussion before, Meredith. The staff wouldn’t question it. By the time you fought it, you’d have had the surgery or you’d be dead from bleeding out. I will gladly take the strike against my name and reputation if it saves your life.”

That hit me like a ton of bricks. I fell back against the pillows. “Doc, I’ll stay but I won’t…I can’t … let Watters operate on me.” A couple tears ran down my face.

We each realized something about the other in that moment. I realized exactly how much Doc loved me, that he’d risk his professional reputation - and maybe even his career - to try to save me. And he realized just how strong my feelings against Dr. Watters were.

“Hon, what did he do to you to make you willing to die rather than have him operate on you?” He lowered the bed rail and sat down beside me.

I shook my head. “I can’t tell you, Doc. I’m sorry. I just can’t.” I started trembling again.

“Meredith, did he do something to you?” I nodded. “What, hon?”

“I can’t say.”

“Why not?”

“I made a promise to him that I wouldn’t. You know I won‘t break my word lightly.”

“Why would you make such a promise?”

“To protect my horses.”

“You aren’t making sense, Meredith.”

“Doc, please drop it.”

“I’m not going to drop it, not when whatever it is is stopping you from allowing him to perform a life-saving operation on you - that is, if you end up needing it. What did you mean to protect your horses?” I didn’t say anything. “Meredith, please tell me. Don’t you trust me?” He said in a quiet voice.

“It’s not a trust issue, Doc. As I said, I promised I wouldn‘t say anything.”

“That promise is interfering in your health care and might threaten your life. There are times when it’s okay to go back on your word. This is one of those times.” He paused. “Tell me, hon. Please.”

“He threatened to shoot and kill them.”

“Why?”

“To stop me from reporting him.”

“Reporting him to who?”

“The licensing body.”

“For what, hon?” I shook my head. “Did he do something to you?”

“Yes.”

“What did he do, Meredith?”

“Doc, I can’t tell you.”

“Was it sexual?”

“Semi. Sort of. Part of it anyway.”

“Did he…?”

“No, Doc, he didn’t.” I didn’t mean to, but I blurted it out. “But he did fondle my breasts during an exam a few times and spent a bit too much time on the bimanual, especially the part where he wasn’t pressing down on my abdomen.”

“You mean when he just had two fingers in your vagina?” I nodded. “Actually, it was at least three. And it hurt.”

“You said a few times. Why did you go back?”

“He was the only ob/gyn in the city at the time. And I wasn’t sure at first, I thought I might be imagining it. I couldn’t believe he’d do that.”

“Ok, but there has to be more to it than that. Please tell me, Meredith.”

“You have to promise me to not tell anyone. It’s too late to report him anyway.”

“No, it isn’t. You’ve told me part of it, you might as well tell me the rest. It will help me understand your refusal to let him do surgery on you.”

I sighed. I guess I might as well go all in and tell him everything. “He told me I needed a biopsy. Of the lining of my uterus.”

“Why did he say that?”

“Because my periods were really heavy.”

“How old were you.”

“About 26 I think.”

“That’s very young. Did he do an ultrasound?”

“No.”

“He should have. Go on.”

“He said it could be done in the clinic with no need for anesthesia. So, he did and it was awful.”

“What was awful about it, hon?”

“Pain. It was extremely painful. He had to dilate my cervix and it hurt - a lot. It seemed to take him forever. He said he froze it but I didn’t feel a needle. He called me a wimp when I complained about it hurting.”

“You would have felt a needle. I bet he didn’t freeze it. And yes, that hurts a lot, which is why we freeze the cervix first. But there should not have been a need to dilate it in the first place. The instrument we put in to take the sample is very, very thin. Only women with an extremely tight cervix would need dilation. Yours appears to be normal, though I’ve never had to do a procedure that involved putting something into it. Did he try to do the biopsy before dilating?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“You would have felt it if he had and if it really was tight. What else did he do?”

“It hurt really bad when he took the sample. It seemed like he wasn’t trying to be gentle about it at all. Then I had to go back to get an IUD and it hurt a lot when he put it in. I swear he was deliberately causing pain.”

“Was that for birth control?”

“No, he said it would thin the lining and make my periods lighter. The birth control was a bonus.”

“Did it?”

“Yes, but I hated it. I insisted he remove it after a couple years, I don’t know how I stood it for that long.”

“I take it he agreed to remove it.”

“Yes, but he made me have a full gyn exam first. I hadn’t been back since he put it in. That’s the last time I saw him.”

“Did something happen during that exam?”

“Yes. The same as at first, him fondling my breasts and taking too long with the internal. That time, I spoke up and told him I knew what he was doing and that I was going to report him. He said if I did or if I told anyone, he’d kill my husband. Then he took the IUD out, but it seemed like he yanked it out and it really hurt. There was a bit of bleeding, though not a lot. I told him where to go and what to do with himself and I never went back. When he heard that my husband had died, he called me and said that if I was even thinking of saying anything with Chris being dead, he would kill my horses.”

“So that’s why you were so tense the first couple times I saw you. I could tell you were afraid of something.”

“Yes. I only agreed to see you because I really had no choice. The pain from those fibroids was so bad, I had to break my vow to never see another ob/gyn, let alone any doctor, again. I was so scared, but you were very patient and gentle with me.”

“Did you tell your husband about it?”

“No way. He would have killed Dr Watters. Literally. To be honest, if he dropped dead tomorrow, I wouldn’t shed a tear, but I did not want my husband to do something that would put him in prison.” I paused. “Doc, if he just been rough with me and nothing else, I might let him operate, but even if I ignored that and the fondling, he threatened someone I loved and then my horses. That, I cannot get by. Besides, I don‘t trust him. He could “accidentally” (I used the quote-unquote gesture with my fingers) slip with the scalpel somewhere vital. I really wouldn’t put it past him.”

“Come here, hon.” He gathered me up in a big hug.

“Doc, I’ve gone back on my promise to Dr Watters. Please don’t tell anyone what I told you. If he had threatened me, I wouldn’t care, but I will not risk my horses’ lives.”

“Meredith, you have every right to break that promise, but right now isn’t the time to get into it. We will decide what to do about what you told me after you get better. I have half a mind to put him in traction for the rest of his life.” Holy crap, Doc wanting to harm someone a second time in just a couple days! “I’m going to do the surgery if you need it. I won’t let him touch you, I don’t care what the hospital says. I will do it, whether the OR manager agrees or not, consequences be damned.”

“Thank you, Doc.” I looked into his face and saw the same anger and hatred I’d seen at the apartment the other day. “Doc, don’t go losing your temper with him. He isn’t worth your licence.”

“You know, Meredith, I don’t think I’ve ever lost my temper in my life. But, I feel like I could right now.”

“Don’t, Doc. Just keep thinking ‘he’s not worth it, he’s not worth it, he’s not worth it…’ This is all my fault.”

“How is it your fault?”

“If I hadn’t climbed over that rail and then fallen…”

“That isn’t your fault. You were having a bad dream. I don’t know if the sedative had anything to do with it, but I won’t give you that particular one again. And you know who’s fault this is? It’s Jane’s, for putting you in here in the first place, and for causing those dreams. I‘m going to give you some pain medication, but a milder one so that you are still alert to sign the consent form after I go make a couple phone calls, ok?”

“Yes, that is fine, honey.” He put the rail up again and went out to the nurse’s station to order the medication. It was up from the pharmacy pretty quick.

Doc injected the pain medication into my IV and then held me until the porters came to take me for the ultrasound. “What the heck is taking them so long?” he said.

They must have heard him because they appeared soon after. I was expecting a wheelchair but they came with a stretcher. Doc gave me a look that said don’t you dare say a word. I didn’t, I was in too much pain to sit up for a long time.

Doc went with us, of course, as did the undercover police officer, though she followed at a distance. He watched the technician do the scan. I watched his face as he looked at the screen. I didn’t like what I saw. It hurt a lot when the tech pressed down with the transducer. I wished Doc had given me the stronger pain meds but I understood why he didn’t.

After the ultrasound, they took me to X-ray. I had to get up and onto the table for that one. Doc helped me onto the table and get in position, but he couldn’t stay in the room. He had to leave while they took the images. When that was done, I was taken back to my room.

Doc got me settled back in bed. “I have to have surgery, don’t I?” I asked.

“Yes, hon. I’m sorry, but you do.”

“I figured by the look on your face while watching the ultrasound.”

“You have internal bleeding. It’s a slow bleed at the moment, but I don’t want to chance things changing, so I’m going to go out and call for an OR, then call Watters and get him to agree to let me operate.”

“He might very well be happy not to have to do it, Doc.”

“Well, there’s an issue of hospital rules saying he has to do it unless he’s in surgery already and the patient waiting is in imminent danger. But I have a plan. Let me get you back on the heart monitor and pulse ox and I’ll go call him and the OR.”

When he came back, Doc said it was all set up - he would be doing the surgery.

“How did you manage that, Doc?” I asked.

“I told him that I know about what he did and he would be wise to do as I say. Then I said that when the hospital calls him to come in for an emergency case, he’s to say he can’t come in and give whatever excuse he wants and say that he needs for another ob/gyn to take call duties tonight.”

“He agreed to that?”

“He wasn’t crazy about it, but he had no choice.”

“Doc, you sure can play dirty pool when you want to!”

“When I *have* to, hon. I prefer not to, but I will if I have to.”

“Doc, I wish you hadn’t told him that you know. He might go after my horses now.”

“I had to, Meredith. To get him to agree to let me operate. There are two undercover officers at your farm, if he tries anything, they will catch him. I’ll tell the officer here that someone might try to harm them, so she can alert them.”

“Ok, Doc. Were you allowed to send me for the ultrasound and X-ray? Or did you break rules to do that?”

“Yes, that was okay. I’m your attending and I was here when the need for those tests arose. Which reminds me, I need to get the results of your radiographs. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Do you need anything? I can’t give you food or drink.”

“No, I’m fine, Doc.”

When he came back, Doc had a gown and bathing supplies in his hands. “Your foot is fine, Meredith. No disruption to the pins and no new breaks.” I breathed a sigh of relief. “They called me to do the surgery while I was out there. They are getting the OR ready. I’m going to give you a sponge bath and put a clean gown on, then you will go down to the holding area.”

“Why do I need a sponge bath?”

“We like everyone who is having surgery to bathe the same day and you haven’t yet today.”

As he tenderly bathed me, I said, “Doc, I’m so sorry.”

“For what, hon?”

“For making you have to do surgery on me again.”

“This isn’t your fault, Meredith. Please realize that.”

“I can’t wait to get home and get back to a normal life, Doc.”

“I’m looking forward to that, too, sweetie. But it’s not going to happen for a while.”

“Define ‘a while’”.

“You will be here a few more days, I was hoping to discharge you either tomorrow or the next day, but you are probably going to be here at least three more days.” I groaned. “I know, Meredith. It’s not fun. But here is where you need to be. After you go home, it will be 4-6 weeks before you are up to returning to your usual activities.”

“At least that blasted cyst is gone.”

A nurse came into the room. “Dr Richards, Dr Wilcox is on the phone for you.”

“Thank you, I’ll be out in a couple minutes, I’m almost done here.”

“Why is he calling you, Doc?” I asked after the nurse left the room.

“I called him about you needing surgery tonight, just to see if there’s anything we can do for you before or during to help your lungs. I also called Dr Hampton and he is going to talk to the anesthesiologist about meds for your MVP. Ok, I’m done. I’ll clean up after I talk to Curt.”

When he got back after taking the phone call, Doc cleaned up from the sponge bath. “What did Curt say?” I asked him.

“He’s ordering a steroid inhaler and some meds for you to take before surgery and he’s going to keep you on them for a while after.”

“Am I going to be ok, Doc?”

“Any time someone undergoes anesthesia, there’s a risk. But you are in an excellent hospital with an excellent surgical team, including a superb surgeon”, he answered with a wink.

“I wouldn’t have anyone else operating on me, honey.”

Doc leaned over the rail and pushed some hair out of my face. “Meredith, I can’t say that I know what it’s like

to face surgery, let alone a second one in 48 hours as I’ve never been under the knife. However, I do know, from what we were taught in med school as well as from having performed a lot of operations, that it’s normal for the patient to be nervous and scared. But you are going to be okay, hon. I can feel it.”

“Thanks, Doc. I’m sure I will be.”

“I have to go down to change and get ready. They’ll be coming to get you soon. I’ll see you in Holding. I love you, hon.”

“Love you, too, Julian.”

Doc gave me a kiss before he left. A few minutes later, porters came to take me to the surgical holding room. “Here we go again”, I thought as they wheeled my stretcher down the hall to the elevator.