As a retirement plan advisor, I make a visit to the trustees of plans which I control to update them on how they are doing. Celeste is a nurse practitioner whom I have known for years. She operates a small practice in Denver, and recently transferred her 401 (k) plan to my company. Although not a doctor, she is able to perform most of the functions of an MD in family practice. She specializes in holistic medicine and is a licensed colon hydrotherapy technician. We met when she was working for my doctor as a nurse, and we developed a friendship which has lasted for over thirty years. She initially contacted me because her retirement plan was not doing well, despite a raging bull market. We talked by phone and set up an account for her here via phone and email. I now live in south Texas, and wanted to get the transfer done quickly, lest she get poached by another advisor. Now, it was time for my first quarterly update visit ...
We made an appointment for the following Friday, and I mentioned that I planned to stay the weekend, as I had not visited Denver in nearly fifteen years. (I lived there for a couple of years back then.) Celeste said she would love to be my tour guide, and I said I would foot the bill for meals and entertainment. I booked a flight for late Thursday afternoon, and arrived early in the evening. After calling Celeste to let her know I'd arrived, I picked up my rental car and went straight to my hotel to check in. Celeste invited me over for some wine, and a chance to get caught up. I was amazed at the woman who opened her front door. I am early seventies, and I knew she was only five years my junior, so I was expecting your typical late sixties woman to appear. The woman who opened the door appeared to be early to mid-fifties, only slightly older than Celeste the last time I saw her! Obviously, I did a double take, exclaiming, "WOW! You don't look a day older!" She laughed and said, 'You're too kind! But thanks! I don't FEEL a day older!" I replied, "No, seriously, you could pass for fifty, certainly don't look sixty-seven! How do you do it?" She ignored my question saying, "Come on in! I have a nice Merlot cooled to just the right serving temperature. Let's sit on the couch and relax. How was your flight?"
She ushered me to a love seat in her sitting room. Her home is in the West Washington Park neighborhood, and was built in the early 1900's. It is large, and was originally a duplex. She had annexed most of the other side into her own side, leaving the remainder into her office, keeping the separate door so that patients never had to enter her personal quarters. The house and furnishings testified to her success. Having her financials, I know that she is financially well off. We made small talk, and caught up on the years since I lived nearby, in a similar duplex a few blocks away. Finally, she said, "Did you say you are buying dinner? I'm famished! I made reservations at Wash Park Grill. That was a favorite of yours, wasn't it?" I replied that it was, and we set off in her Lexus for the restaurant.
We chatted over dinner, and as we drank coffee and ate their specialty cheesecake, she finally said, "You asked me how I do it." "Do what?", I asked, having forgotten the question about her youthful looks. "How I manage to hold off Father Time and Mother Nature. Let's head home and I'll show you my secret." The drive back only took about ten minutes, and we talked about the changes in the old neighborhood, but not a word about her secret. When we got there, and parked the car in her garage, she took me in through the back door, but unlocked a door in the back entryway leading into her office. When she turned on the lights, she led me to her treatment room, where I recognized a Toxigen colonic apparatus. "Although I do routine medical exams and procedures, a big part of my practice is administering colonics. I have four of the machines, and have another licensed technician working for me. We can each administer to two patients at a time without neglecting the care of either one." I asked several questions about how it worked, and how many they did in a day. She told me that they normally do eight to twelve in an eight hour day. When asked the cost of a treatment, she told me they charge $125.00 per session, or $300 for a package of three. She also has a club plan, which allows up to six visits per month for a $500.00 per month. She said that her practice had morphed from a "normal" family medical practice to the area's most successful colonic hydrotherapy clinic. "So, you credit colonics with arresting your aging?", I asked, tentatively. "Oh, Angie (her assistant) and I do each get one per week; but no, let's go over to my home and talk about it."
We headed back through the back door entryway and into her quarters. She poured us another glass of wine, and as we sat, she explained, "When we finish our wine, I'll show you my secret. You've probably done my secret, or maybe your mother did it when you were growing up, just not the way we do it. I say "we" because Angie does it, too, and she still looks thirty at forty-eight." A master of suspense, she deflected further questions, and we chatted a bit about her interests and activities. Finally, we finished our conversation, and our wine. She took my hand and led me past the master bedroom to a closed door a couple of rooms down the mail hallway. When she opened it and flipped on the lights, there was a rollaround stool like any doctor's exam room would have, an exam table with stirrups, and a four arm IV pole. An enameled implement table held a tray with several different enema nozzles, including two double balloon rectal catheters. Four open top 4 qt. fountain syringes hung from the poll. "I start every day at 5:00 AM with a 2 qt. soapy enema and I hold it as I shower. My body motions as I shower help distribute my enema deep into my colon. After I dry off, I release the enema, and give myself 3 qt's of a salt and baking soda solution, very warm. The salt and soda makes it a very comfortable enema, and I find it very relaxing. I usually hold it as I prepare my breakfast, which is fresh fruit and whole grain cereals with whole milk. I release my rinse and eat, usually needing to release more after I and done eating. I get dressed and go over to get the office ready for the day, which starts at 8:00 and lasts until 6:00. We take a one hour lunch and two thirty minute breaks." "OK, so you keep your colon squeaky clean, and that is what has kept you young?", I asked, incredulously. "Yep, pretty much, plus eating healthy and light exercise."
We had one last glass of wine, and I left for my hotel. I never let on that I really enjoy a good enema, just parting with, "Thanks for the tour, That's amazing. YOU"RE amazing!" She countered with, "I hope you don't think I'm weird; I know my lifestyle is different from most." I replied, "No, not at all, and I can't argue with success. Like I said, you're amazing! Is 8:30 OK for our quarterly summary?" "Sure! I've already told Angie she's working solo tomorrow."