Some people turn to cigarettes to relieve stress. Some open a bottle of alcohol and chug away. Some scream, or punch walls, or take drugs, both legal and illegal. But not me. I don’t do any of those things. I’ve found my ultimate stress reliever. No, it’s not boxing or working out (though I need to work out for my job as a bouncer). You see, to relive stress, I turn to diapers. Yeah, I said it, and yes, you’re reading that correctly. Diapers.

Run off, turn your head in disgust, tell yourself I’m a sick bastard who has problems…I’ve heard it all before. I’ve been in groups where people randomly got into the topic of infantilism/diaper wearing and nearly began a hate group because they were so appalled by the lifestyle, while I had to keep my mouth shut to avoid any problems. So go on and get out of here if you wish. It’ll show your arrogance and failure to understand. Still, if I’ve intrigued you thus far, then perhaps you’d be interested in my story! By acts of God, or fate, or what have you, I found the girl who loves me for me, including my odd wish to be babied sometimes. I could go into how much I love this woman, and how fortunate I am to have her, but I wish to tell you of the turn of events that led up to me finding her, as well as finding myself, because that’ll make this all the more interesting. I promise I won’t bore you, so if you’re ready, let’s take a trip into yesteryear! Ah, but allow me to introduce myself first!

My name is Jonathon Morrow, but you can just call me John. I’m currently 22 years of age and work as a bouncer in a night club. I have my Bachelor’s degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’m kind of in the process of looking for a better job right now. Hey, the economy’s rough these days! And as mentioned before, I am an infantilist. If you don’t know what that is, just look at the first six letters in the word and you should get the picture.

You might be wondering when I discovered my little quirk (you can say infantilism is normal if you’d like, but I still feel that since it isn’t widely accepted by society that it isn’t exactly something you see every day). Well anyway, I remember having the fascination with being diapered back when I was five years old! Long time ago, huh? I watched some cartoon where this girl would baby absolutely every cartoon character she’d come into contact with. From burping to putting the characters on a changing table and changing their diapers, this girl was really into her babying, and I became jealous rather quickly, though I couldn’t explain why. I’d been potty trained for two or three years at that time, so why on Earth would I want to do something so unheard of? Why would I wish to be treated as helpless as an infant again, especially when I was so independent at my young age? The questions still linger today. No, I didn’t ever try wearing diapers or asking my parents if I could be a baby again, because I knew they’d be upset, and it was just plain weird.

I remember this desire stuck with me for a few years. Any cartoon that had some form of a character being put into or putting someone else in a diaper and being treated like an infant captivated me. I suppose I could blame television for my quirk, and for a while I did, but I knew there was more to it than that. I remember I kept on telling myself that wanting to be treated that way was wrong and that my parents would probably never speak to me again if they found out, so I suppressed the feeling for seven long years. Yeah, long time, huh? I know now that it was a stupid and unhealthy thing to do, but hey, it worked for quite a while! All of those feelings were lost. I no longer wanted to even associate myself with anything babyish, even when my mom started doing daycare. I was living what I thought was the normal life; hanging out with friends, keeping my grades up in school, riding my awesome BMX bike, and of course getting into some trouble in town. One time we set up traffic cones on the bridge at night and made drivers think that there was a detour…boy did they get pissed! I didn’t think the cops would come so quickly that night. Jeez, you’d think they were responding to a robbery or something! But anyway, life was great! Then, things changed. Drastically.

Like a person having a sudden recovery from amnesia, my desires and thoughts came back in full swing! I remember what triggered it, though. I was in ninth grade, and we had this stupid Home-Ec class we were forced to take. I’d say the only thing I enjoyed in the class was baking, mostly because I got to eat the food I made. Well, sometime during the winter months, we had to do a babysitting course in our class. Now I for one dislike children. Kind of ironic, eh? I like to act like an infant sometimes, yet I don’t like actual children in any way!

We had to watch this God-awful video with some thirty year old dude telling us how to baby-sit and take care of kids. I don’t remember much of the video, mostly because I was busy doodling in my notebook, but I overheard some of my classmates talking about how ridiculous the video was. Of course, some of the females were more focused on the damned presentation than life itself. I suppose they needed to be, though, since most of them were going to be competing to get the best babysitting jobs around.

After the seemingly eternal video ended, my instructor had us get into groups of four so we could “practice” some of what we learned from the video on “life-like infants”, life-like being a flimsy doll that made Cabbage Patch dolls look like artistic sculptures. I didn’t have too many friends in that particular class, but I was fairly close with the females during high school, so I teamed up with three girls, Brittany, Jess, and Marie. All three girls shared lockers near mine, so we talked on a daily basis…well, more like they talked and I listened, but I guess that’s what made them like me so much.

Our instructor walked over with a basket full of things, including the doll.

“Now class, I want you all to participate since that is a part of your grade! Remember what you’ve learned from the video, and make sure you cover all of the things listed on the piece of paper in your basket! And most importantly, have fun!”

The doll’s head stuck out of the basket, looking at the four of us as our instructor walked off. We rummaged through the items in the basket and pulled them out carefully. Within moments we had diapers, baby powder, baby wipes, a changing mat, a baby blanket, and an empty baby bottle strewn across the table. Since I was a neat freak I organized all of the items, causing the girls to joke around with me.

“Practicing for the Marines, John?” Marie snickered.

“Sir, yes sir!”

This got a laugh out of everyone in our group. Finally, Brittany picked up the doll, who was wearing a blue onesie and a small cap.

“Aw, it’s a baby boy!” she laughed. “What a cute widdle baby!”

We all looked at Brittany with raised eyebrows.

“What? She said to have fun with it, and I need a good grade!”

“Hmm, she might be right. Maybe we should all pretend as if it were a real baby!” Jess chimed in.

“You can count me out! I’ll help and stuff, but no thanks on the babytalk!” I said with a laugh.

“Oh, come on, John!” Marie giggled. “Not much into the babysitting I take it?”

“Not one bit!”

“That’s okay! You can miss out on the fun!” Brittany said.

“Don’t mind if I do!”

With that, we were on our way to babysitting a non-living baby. I didn’t mind how quiet the doll was, mostly because whenever I think of kids I think of the screaming, bratty ones. A shame not all kids were that quiet! The checklist went as follows:

--Holding the baby

--Feeding and burping

--Checking and changing the baby’s diaper

--Placing the baby in the crib

“Okay, who wants to hold the baby first?” Brittany asked.

“Well, you’re technically holding him first, but I’ll give it a go.” I volunteered.

Brittany nodded and gently handed the doll over to me. Like I’d learned from the video, I gently held the doll in a cradling position and soon felt extremely stupid.

“You’re a natural, John! That’s perfect! Here, now I’ll try!” Jess said excitedly.

“Yeah, yeah. Here you go.”

I carefully handed the doll over to Jess, who took it with a wide smile.

“Aw, hey there widdle baby! Gootchie goo! Jess is here! It’s okay!” Jess cooed.

Soon after, all three girls joined in on the “fun”, each one hovering over the doll as if it were a real infant, tickling it under its chin and nuzzling its stomach with their noses. My heart rate quickened in an instant. The old cartoons and diaper commercials I’d watched played through my head all at once. The sight of these girls giving this doll all of their affection and love almost brought me to my knees. I so wanted to look away and cover my ears, but…I couldn’t. I gulped for air and acted like I was unfazed by their actions.

After the doll was passed around, Jess took the baby bottle off of the table and handed it to Brittany.

“Time for your baba, baby waby!”

Brittany pretended to insert the bottle into the doll’s mouth, cooing and gently cradling the doll. My face burned with embarrassment as I felt like I shouldn’t have been attracted to that sort of thing. Once Brittany finished “feeding” our doll, she gently placed its head over her shoulder and patted its back and diapered butt.

“Burpy time!”

“Aww, how cute!” Jess cooed as she eagerly waited for her turn.

“John, are you okay? Your face is red!” Marie asked.

“Ohh, maybe John has gas! Need to be burped, John?” Brittany jokingly said.

The room fell deathly silent, and time itself had come to a crawl.

No! She did not just say that! No way! What do I do?! Think, John! Think!

I pretended to cough violently, lowering my head so nobody could see my eyes. Marie patted my back in an effort to help me, but I soon acted like I recovered and grabbed a drink from the sink.

“Sorry for the scare, girls! Air must have gone down the wrong pipe! Oh, and no, I don’t need to be burped, Brittany.” I stuck my tongue out at her and laughed.

Our group chuckled a bit as we took turns feeding and burping our doll, and we were soon onto the next phase. The phase that I desired the most. The phase that I soon hated, mostly because there were three females in my group who made sure our doll felt like a real infant: the checking and changing of the diaper.

Eight diapers lay neatly stacked on the table next to the powder, wipes, and changing mat. I was sure that I’d die at any moment, but God apparently wanted me to endure this.

“Oh, the best part! Haha!” Jess exclaimed. “I tink I smell a dirty dydee!”

Oh my God…

“Aw, hims dydee needs changing, doesn’t it? Oh yes it does!” Marie cooed as she lifted the doll underneath its armpits and pretended to sniff its diaper.

Oh…my…God…just like from the cartoon! Gah!

“Well then let’s lay dis widdly baby on his changing mat and check to make sure!” Brittany spoke softly.

The girls encircled the table as Marie laid the doll down onto the changing mat. Jess and Brittany both unsnapped the onesie and carefully lifted it, exposing the doll’s puffy white diaper. Jess then continued to check the baby’s diaper by gently placing her fingers under the left leg.

“Aw, baby’s wet!” she cooed. “Who wants to change him first?”

“I-I’ll do it!” I quickly answered.

“Wow, John! For someone who doesn’t like babysitting, I’m surprised you volunteered to go first!” Brittany laughed.

“I just want to get it over with!”

Okay, John. Deep breaths. Don’t make it obvious that you’re eyeing the diapers and baby stuff! Just do this and you’re home free!

I carefully un-taped the doll’s diaper on both sides, then lifted the doll’s legs into the air and continued the process that the video had taught us to do. From wiping and powdering to placing the new diaper under the doll, I managed to finish in under a minute. My three partners all were shocked to see just how quickly but expertly I was able to diaper the doll.

“Too bad real babies aren’t this quiet and still!” I joked.

“Aw, most little infants are! It’s when they get older when changing their diapers is a pain! Toddlers always have that tendency to run around naked…ugh, just the thought of having to change my two year old cousin makes me cringe.” Jess said. “But not this widdle baby! Noooo, dis widdle man is so good for his babysitters! Now it’s my turn to change hims dydee!”

I moved over and tried my hardest to look away as the three girls continued to giggle and enjoy their make-believe session, but something inside just wouldn’t let me for more than a few seconds. I felt as though I had to look!

Jess removed the doll’s diaper just as I did, but she did so in a much gentler way, carefully grabbing the front of the diaper while lifting the doll’s legs and sliding the white hourglass-shaped piece of plastic out from under.

“Who’s a good widdle baby! You are! Yes you are!” Jess was relentless!

“Jess, you do realize it’s not real, right?” I asked.

“Aw, I know! It’s fun to pretend, though! Isn’t it, girls?”

Brittany and Marie nodded their heads as they both joined in on the ultimate cooing and babying experience. As for me, I wanted to die inside. Not because I didn’t like what I was seeing, but because I thought that my heart would burst from what I was witnessing.

Jess grabbed a few baby wipes from the tub and slowly started wiping the doll all around its diaper area, even making sure to get just below its belly button and just above its knees.

“You girls mind holding this widdle baby’s legs up for me while I wipe his bottom?” she asked.

“Ohh, it’ll be my pleasure!” Brittany gently raised the doll’s legs up while Jess went to work.

Next came the powder, its babyish scent forcing its way into my nostrils, making me blush. Jess continued to coo the doll as if it were her own baby, mentioning something about not wanting the doll to get “dydee rash.” Finally, she grabbed a fresh diaper from the stack and opened it slowly.

“Oh yes! It’s diaper time! Nice fwesh dydee for this widdle baby!”

Shoot me now! Please! How do they not suspect anything about me? It’s like they know I’m into this! But why am I? Just think about something else…that’s it! Yeah! How about that assignment that’s due tomorrow?

Jess had Brittany lift the doll’s legs up once more so she could place the new diaper where it belonged. Before Brittany lowered the doll’s legs, Jess took the baby powder and sprinkled more into the seat of the diaper, making the aroma overpower every other smell in the room.

“Hehe, I learned that trick when my cousin came over!” she laughed as she taped up both sides of the diaper nice and snug. “There you go, baby!”

I looked at the clock in my worried state of mind; class wasn’t over for another ten minutes, meaning I had to sit through two more diaper change sessions, complete with cooing and babying. There was no way I could handle both, so I told the girls that I had to use the bathroom and I would return shortly.

“Well, these diapers are like portable bathrooms, John! Use one of these!” Marie laughed as she held one of the baby diapers up.

Just turn around and head out the door, John! Don’t look back so she doesn’t see your face!

“Oh yes. Very funny!” I chuckled.

“Come on, we’ll even change you!” Brittany joined in.

Were these girls reading my thoughts? I thought I’d collapse right then and there from the intensity! For a second I was afraid that they’d follow me out the door with the diapers and actually put them on me, and I panicked. If they did such a thing, I’d be the laughingstock of the school! I’d be totally humiliated and embarrassed, and then my secret would be out! My breaths grew short once again.

“I’m sure you’d like that!” I looked over my shoulder briefly as I walked out the door.

The girls all laughed and talked about how funny I was as I headed down the hall towards the bathroom. I knew I wasn’t smiling, because I could feel my lips shaking. Once I entered the bathroom, I walked into one of the stalls, locked the door, and closed my eyes to try to block out what I’d just seen. It was the most wonderful thing, yet I was so afraid of it. It made me wonder if that’s how people reacted when they died and saw God. Maybe seeing heaven was so great that people became worried because they were uncertain of their feelings. Sure, these were two completely separate things, but at the time I sure as hell felt that the comparison was dead-on!

This is just great! Out of the blue! I haven’t thought about this for almost ten years! Why now, God?! Why? Don’t make me like this now! Nobody would understand! No…they will never understand! They can’t! They’ll call me a freak and single me out! I’m a teen! I can’t like this kind of thing! If anyone finds out, I’ll lose it!

I took a few deep breaths and calmed myself down. At that very moment, I knew I was different, but I vowed to never tell another soul. I would take my desire to the grave with me no matter what. Nobody would know except for me and God. I chose to bear the burden that day, keeping the weight in my chest for another extended period of time. However, I would eventually find out that trying to suppress such an important part of my life would be the stupidest and most unhealthy thing to do.