For a while I had kept my wish to be babied on the back shelf of my brain, but I couldn’t keep the feeling at bay for too long. I remember during the last year of high school I was heavily addicted to online multiplayer games. No, not the flashy three-dimensional ones where you save the world and play as other creatures. I was into the simple text games like “Fridge Magnets” and “Alphabeats”. It was here that I’d made a small handful of online friends, and thanks to technology today, it wasn’t long before I was messaging and emailing them. We’d share pictures, talk about how much we hated school, and even joke around. Call me a nerd, but some of my better friends throughout high school were made over these simple game sites. So how does this relate to my story? Well, I guess you could say that I have a way with words when it comes to getting what I want, and my fear of saying them greatly decreases when I’m behind a computer screen. A coward’s way out to some, but to me, it was just another way of expressing myself freely without fear of judgment! Besides, these friends of mine would probably never wind up seeing me in person, mostly because they lived halfway across the country!

Anyway, I remember for a month or so, my “Fridge Magnet” friend Jill and I would stay up rather late so we could talk about whatever we wanted. Jill was in a time zone that was two hours behind mine, so my midnight was her ten o’ clock. Well, whenever I’d tell Jill that I was tired, she’d simply tell me that I was a baby, or a “sleepy baby” as she liked to call me. I didn’t really do much at first, but then I came up with an idea: I would agree with her and see what would develop! There was a risk that she’d get weirded out, but what’s life without taking some risks? So, here’s what some of our conversation looked like, and I keep this because it’s important to me:

Me: *yawns* I have to go to bed soon.

Jill: Aw, you baby! You’re always tired at this time!

Me: I know. What can I say?

Jill: You can just say you’re a baby and get it over with! Haha!

Now, I know that this was simply words, but you have to understand that Jill and I had become quite good online friends, and we’d even called each other occasionally, so as soon as I read what she wrote, I couldn’t resist! A smirk went across my face almost instantly.

Me: Fine…I’m a baby :-p

Jill: Ha! I knew it! Lol

Me: Oh yes! I drink from bottles and wear diapers! *rolls eyes*

Jill: Aw do you? That’d be cute!

Me: Haha I bet it would! Next thing I know you’re gonna ask to feed me and take care of me!

Jill: I’d do it! Just because you’re a sleepy baby!

It’s make it or break it, John!

Me: Well, be my guest!

Then, it began.

Jill: Okay then! *picks you up and carries you to the changing table and lays you down on it slowly* diaper time for you! *changes you into a fresh diapie and then picks you up and carries you into the kitchen*

My jaw just about dropped, but I wasn’t about to let that ruin the moment. For once I felt warm inside about this feeling, and nothing could stop me from smiling! This was a mere taste of what I’d wished for!

Me: Thanks for the diaper! Haha.

Jill: Hehe you’re welcome, baby! Now it’s time for your baba! happy.gif *gets your bottle and then carries you into the living room and feeds you your baba* drink up!

Me: *smiles and drinks the bottle* mmm tasty! Haha *drinks it until it’s all gone*

Jill: Good baby! Haha. *picks you up and burps you*

My dream coming true. My dream, just a computer screen away from being the real thing. Simple words on a screen, making me nothing but happy.

Me: *lets out a few burps for you and sighs*

Jill: Awww! How cute! *sticks a pacifier in your mouth and then cradles you until you start to fall asleep* Time for beddy wink.gif

Me: Haha thanks! *sucks on the pacifier and slowly falls asleep while being cradled*

Jill: Aw. *kisses your forehead and puts you in your crib* Goodnight baby! Haha.

Me: Haha goodnight! I’ll talk to you later, Jill!

That night I was overcome with an extreme feeling of bliss. Here was my friend, completely joking around with me about this whole baby thing, and she seemed to be enjoying it herself! I knew that sooner or later I’d have to tell her that I liked this kind of thing, because a part of me felt that if I started to like it too much, then I’d have felt like she was being used, and that’s never a way to treat somebody. However, this little “baby time” as I liked to call it went on every other week or so, and Jill didn’t mind one bit! Sometimes she’d even start the whole thing—this girl was exactly the kind of person I was looking for! But…what if she found out I liked this kind of thing? Then what? Maybe she’d call me a freak and never speak to me again? Perhaps she’d make fun of me and end our friendship. And if my parents ever found out…then what? What if they saw my conversations? Sure, the computer was in my room, but there was still that risk.

As if these thoughts weren’t enough, I then thought about why I liked this kind of thing, and whether or not there were more people who were into it as well. I also started thinking about how much of a freak I must have been, and how nobody would ever accept what I was into if they found out.

Weeks passed by as swiftly as the wind, and Jill and I continued to build on our friendship. Some chatting, some more sharing of our ambitions and plans, and of course, some babying . Things went smoothly for the longest time until that night my parents and I were watching “Ultimate Sleuths”. I remember the episode oh so vividly, even though I haven’t watched it since that fateful night. Like a surprise kick to the stomach, the episode involved the murder of a man who just happened to be into the same exact thing that I was: being babied and wearing diapers! For some reason my parents never changed the channel, and I didn’t want to arouse any suspicions by leaving the room, so I swallowed hard and remained on the couch.

The episode played on, showing some flashbacks of the man being treated just like an infant by an extremely beautiful woman who was half his age. Near the end of the show, the woman confessed to killing the man, then spoke about how he was an infantilist.

Infantilist? What?

The word sounded like a foreign language to my ears, though the first two syllables rang a bell almost immediately. I lodged the word into my brain and became excited. Was this the word that was used to describe people like me? And if this show was depicting a man who was into this kind of thing, did that mean that this “infantilism” was more widely accepted by society than I’d hoped? I just had to find out!

Once the show ended, the bombshell was finally dropped.

“That’s sick! I can’t believe there are people who are into that!” my mother said in disgust.

“You’re telling me! The world could definitely do without those kinds of people!” my dad laughed. “Bunch of sick minded bastards. They should lock those people up and throw away the key!”

I couldn’t shake off what I’d just heard. My parents who loved me so dearly, who taught me all about accepting others for who they were, who told me they’d love me no matter what, hated people like me…hated me. I couldn’t help it if I was an “infantilist” as the show called it! Part of me wished to stand up for myself, but my fear of being disowned and shunned got the best of me. I pretended to ignore their comment and told them that I was tired and was going to bed. In under a minute I was in my room with the door shut and locked, and lowered my head in shame.

They can never know now. Nobody can know. They’ll hate me. I must keep this a secret. This…is mine. My dark secret. May I take it to the grave with me…

I remember I couldn’t sleep that night, so I logged back onto my computer with a frown on my face and went to a search engine site. The first word I typed in? “Infantilist”. My God there were a lot of results! Easily over 70,000! Most of them appeared to be pornographic sites which I wasn’t into, but there were a few I found that seemed legit. The sites had forums, explanations of infantilism, and stories, all of which piqued my interest. I was glued to my screen for another two hours, soaking in all of the information I could find.

It appeared to me that there were a variety of reasons as to why people were into diaper wearing and being babied. Apparently some people had been abused as children, and acting in a babyish way was a way for them to get better. Others wore diapers because they became aroused. Some just wore them and acted like babies for fun. And finally, the one that had I decided to put myself under: a way to relieve stress. Some people explained that their lives were full of demanding jobs and mean people, and being a baby and/or wearing diapers made them forget about the harsh reality called life. I was intrigued! That sense of being cared for and loved by somebody (for me, it was obviously a female) had the ability to absolve all stress and actually bring forth positive feelings! And even better was the fact that there were thousands of people who were into the same thing!

As I moved through the forums, I noticed something a lot of them had done that I hadn’t dared to try yet: wearing a diaper. I was sure that I was in fact into the whole infantilism scene, but the only way for me to be sure would have been to try wearing an actual diaper. Not exactly something I could just get up and do.

Ah well. Sooner or later I’ll try it! Something will come up I’m sure.

I then browsed through the various story sites that had been posted. Some of these stories I absolutely fell in love with! I was able to connect and relate to these fictional characters and was awestruck by just how well-written the stories were. Then, there were some of those other stories…eh, I don’t like talking about them. The stories where the main characters are forced to wear diapers and act like babies, and where the people treating them this way would…*shudders* never mind. I think those of you who can relate understand which stories I’m talking about. The ones written by horny teenagers who are too scared to save their work in Word documents so they choose to write it in Notepad, thus rendering their stories unreadable and absolutely God-awful. I’d never want anyone to do that to me forcefully! That’s horrible! This was something in which my significant other (when I got one, anyway) would have to be willing to participate in while also making sure not to make fun of me in any way, as this was a very sensitive thing to me, and still is today.

Anyway, by the end of the night (or early morning, depending on how you look at it), I felt that I’d found enough sufficient information to answer some of the questions I had. Still remembering what my parents had said, I vowed to never let them or anyone else find out about my quark, but that meant that I had to cover all of my tracks. My first step was to fix the settings on my internet browser so that anytime I closed the program, everything would be erased. Any files that I saved onto my computer would be placed in folders that were within folders, that were within more folders, all with silly names to detract attention; a maze in which nobody would wish to finish. I felt confident that my plan would work, and to tell you the truth, it did!

As for the trying out a diaper…no luck. I didn’t have the guts at the time. I’d have to either wait until summer when both of my parents were at work all day, or worse, wait until college…a whole two and a half months! Then I thought about the risks involved with trying them in the summer. My friends might see me purchasing them. If I ordered some online, then the package might not have come in until a Saturday when both of my parents were home. Someone would walk in on me. As fake as the stories I’d read were, they still helped to increase my fear of being caught and humiliated. I decided at that time to wait until college. You might be thinking that it wouldn’t have worked since I had to share a dorm, but you’ll just have to wait and see! My luck is just outstanding!