Why won't my wife show any support in my chastity and butt play

I've tried a lot of times to be honest with my wife and let her know my wants and needs. I'm very generous when it comes to making her happy. I go out of my way to do little things every day to make her smile and it's seems she won't do anything for me that makes me surprised and smile.. I know she loves and cares but I'm so boggled that she won't spend any time on my fetishes.. any suggestions would be great.

She is apparently not interested or turned on by your fetishes. This is common. Read all the posts here about that. The two of you need to talk. Sit at the kitchen table and have a discussion. This isn't the sort of thing you can thrust on her. If she is very vanilla, you might have to look outside your marriage for what you want and that might also include a divorce if your fetishes are very important to you.

Thanks for the advice, she does try but u think it's normal for me to not feel it counts if I have to ask her to do when she knows I wanted it done already.. it is very important to me, I don't want to loose a relationship over this but my rear and front have needs.. how did u get into it yourself.

This is something I struggle with everyday. My mission was to always (and it still is) please her and make sure her needs are met. However, as time goes on, I desire to have my needs met. She read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. She was really into the books. I thought " now might be the time to slowly introduce her to some of the things in the book" wrong..when I asked her if she would to try some of the "things" in the book, she said in a very negative way "like what"? Before I could make any suggestions, she said do you know he is a pervert and has a sex dungeon? The ended the discussion for me. I guess back in the closet I go.

It seems there are an abundance of us seeking to conquer the same dragon. At some point you have to accept that your attempts will meet limited success - and consider yourself lucky if she may at least comply when asked. It helps to maintain optimism that she might surprise you some night - but it is self destructive to pout about it when it doesn't happen.

Like Susie said, if the dissatisfaction is too great, you may need to seek comfort outside of your marriage. If you are terribly miserable to where you want to separate, i have to believe there are other (non-sexual) elements afoul as well.

Our significant others "are who they are". Ultimately, that has to be respected. Just be careful you don't lose the good things in your relationship - chasing fantasies that can sometimes prove less fulfilling than you imagine them.

Guys, consider for a moment this question. Are you meeting what you perceive as her needs, or are you meeting the needs SHE wants met? On the other hand she may be meeting what she thinks are your needs, but it is obvious she isn't meeting your needs as you see them. Needs and wants can change over time. And what was fine and great years ago may not be now.

Clearly, communication is the monumental factor. My wife and I have always been poor at communicating our true desires. She is unable to communicate anything at all with regards to sex - and I find myself always shielding my communication. It is difficult to express my desires for fear of her perceiving it as criticism and shutting down more than she already is. I agree that most who say they are fulfilling the other's needs may well be living an illusion. Not that there are not several here who have excellent communication with their partners - lucky them.

I have a good friend who considers himself a chaste slave. His wife, despite long discussions and many attempts to involve her in kink and his choices, never could adjust.

They're now in a loveless marriage with zero romance. Sometimes people just can't participate in each other's kink. They become part of the 50% of marriages that end in divorce. After all, how do most of us know who we'll be when we're kids in lust?

When your partner does not want to do anything beyond the vanilla experience, it could mean that they jump to conclusions about fetishes, kinks, etc. They might think that if you enjoy one thing that is not "normal" that you would want to do everything that is not "normal"- including, for example, some unspeakable things involving children or live animals or what have you. Some people just assume that if you are "perverted" in some ways, you are "perverted" in every way. This causes them to regard any harmless fetish or kink as equally distasteful as the harmful violations of yourself or others that you are most likely not interested in at all.

I know it is crazy, but that is how some people's minds work. It can be very difficult to communicate and demystify things such as BDSM in another person's mind if that is their attitude. That is apparently the case when, to use an example from a previous post in this thread, someone reads the 50 Shades books and fails to get inspired by the activities and instead just says "he is a pervert." Of course the 50 Shades books do not present BDSM in a realistic way and tend to misinform people about it, but that is another topic.

You need to find a way to make it clear that what you are interested in is quite innocent and has absolutely nothing to do with the sort of things people go to prison for. I believe the first step might be to help your partner understand that what they think of as one form of "perversion" is separate from everything that they may wrongly associate it with. Some people never understand this, however, which is why it is usually best kept a secret from anyone who is not likeminded.

If your partner does understand all this and is simply turned off by your kinks, nothing can be done to reconcile the incompatibility. It is a deeply personal thing that you cannot change their mind about if they already have all the facts. Just as they cannot and should not change your mind about your interests. It is not their fault, and it is not your fault either. It is not a fault at all, just a fact of life. Some like only vanilla and some desire a certain something more than vanilla.

I can't help wondering how you got here. Is this really any different than a woman marrying a guy while under the illusion she can change him into someone who prefers art to autos or gowns to guns? Fully as unrealistic.

The utility of courtship is that u have the opportunity to see how she responds to the things you like in sex, in food, in interests. If her pleasure gives you pleasure, you are more than halfway to a good marriage. But if she is inert to things you desire or you are inert to her wants, you have a future crater looming.

Hoping to get someone to naturally desire an excursion into an odd or rare kink is not much more likely than you discovering you really do like shopping for a new purse.

So, if you married her, console yourself with the thought that your chances of meeting a gal who truly would have warmed to your fetishes are nil anyway.

---Focus on pleasing the her you have instead of focusing on an improbable new her.

Besides, being spanked by an Amazon while tied to a flaming dragon, may not be so thrilling if it did occur.

Great discussion.,I have always thought that when we winnow it down there are people who really understand just what we are talking about.

My part is you can't afford a separation let alone divorce. That splits the assets so no body can really afford t live. I would say you really need to talk about why you stay together. You have to balance your real needs and your wants. Either Spock or Data talk about wanting more than having.

This of course does not apply to situations of abuse of any kind and unfortunately those who have no where else to go

dale

Dale, great Star Trek reference! The line you mention is from the episode of the original series called "Amok Time." Mr. Spock warns, "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true." I promise I am not a complete "Star Trek nerd" (not that there's anything wrong with that)! I only remember it because I just saw it a few months ago, and it stuck in my head as these things do. It mostly stuck in my head because it reminded me of a line in the more recent book Infinite Jest: "That, perversely, it is often more fun to want something than to have it." Although both of these lines appear in 20th century works, I am sure the idea itself has been around forever. It could be from Plato, or Milton, or Goethe, or someone else, for all I know.

Of course, we also have to look at this quote within the context of the episode. Spock says this to another Vulcan who is about to get married. So Spock was applying this thought to marriage. This concept that actually having marriage is not as pleasing as wanting marriage fits more with the topic of this thread in itself, the discovery that two married people might not be sexually compatible. This issue certainly makes actual marriage less pleasing than it was intended to be. Even though you bring up that line as it applies another way, that actually fulfilling a fantasy may not be as pleasing as the desire to fulfill it. The fact that this Spock quote works both ways and creates a Catch-22 just relates to some more words of wisdom from Spock. In the episode "This Side of Paradise," Spock says, "If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's." There will always be some shortage of financial, sexual, or spiritual satisfaction no matter what decisions anyone makes. People advise each other to be thankful for what they have, to keep the status quo and carry on despite its shortcomings. But it is part of human nature to live in the void, the purgatory if you will, between what we have and what we want. Very few people get to cross this chasm and boldly go where no man has gone before!

It's difficult to persuade a partner who isn't into enemas, or anything else for that matter, to become involved. I've had several long term relationships with guys in my 30 some years of being out, and none enjoyed enemas. One partner did let me give him a few small ones. If I should ever be in another relationship, my partner would have to enjoy enemas!!!

True love should trump personal preferences for the enjoyment of the other. One has to reevaluate the depth of that love if each partner can't place preferences aside for the good of the other

I do not know about that, Jds. It would be unreasonably idealistic to claim that love is some powerful antidote that can automatically resolve whatever differences arise between people in love with each other. In reality, love is delicate, fragile, temperamental, and subject to constantly changing circumstances. People only hurt themselves and each other when they refuse to accept this. That does not necessarily mean that love is not real or is not real enough.

People cannot alter their sexual preferences for each other's sake. Even if they try to, nothing good can come of such denial. This is because if one person sets aside their preferences for the other, it would hurt both of them- each person in the relationship would be with someone they are not sexually compatible with.

HC

the other side of that love argument is a song lyric; if you love somebody, set them free. That could be divorce or it could be allowing a 3rd into the relationship or opening the relationship. Spending your life without an essential part of your sexual being isn't right. IMO, it's the same thing as if one partner permanently lost the ability to have any sex at all. It would be selfish of them to expect the other to abstain for the rest of their life. I'm not talking about love, I'm talking about sex.

Jds,

My thoughts exactly. Apparently that is what we were both getting at.

Often love and sex are not compatible. Your needs outreach those of your wife. You have said you tried to talk to her, but didn't give her responses. Are you listening to what she says? You obviously love this woman, so the other choices in the matter may be your only choice, such as paying some one to help you with your fetish. I suggest you communicate that to your wife and see what she says. In doing so, you eliminate some cheating accusations that would arise from it. You have some serious decisions to make my friend, and I don't envy you.

One should not give up hope. My wife surprised me last night by having the vibrator and dildo ready when i came to bed last night. Anyone who follows my posts, knows that I have been struggling with her low sex drive and unwillingness to deviate from the norm.

I'll have to find a place to post the details, as i don't want to hijack this thread.

As others have said one day she may surprise you. Will try to keep this short, but ive been married ten years now and my wife despises any medfet play, which for me I love medfet. Couple years back started doing arrangements where she could go spend money on whatever she wants if we could do a little play. Worked for a while and isnt a fix by any means, but she got something out of it as I did. Granted she won't even go for that anymore but worth a try.

I know a couple that have a great arrangement. He's heavily into kink, she isn't but supports him. They both go to parties, he'll play, she'll socialize. It works for them...

She just isn't into it. You may need to make an arrangement of some sort she can live with. Did you know of your kinks before getting together or find them after?

I definitely take in every thing all of u say, I'm not positive but I think I like the attention more then the act but the act is more then just a action... I'm so confusing.... I enjoy all the enema ,catheter, butt play and I do it to myself any chance I can it feels so awesome and I want to share all of it with my woman... but when she does it it's not as,enjoyable bc I feel inside she's only doing it because I brought it up or I got if going... she bought a strap on for me so I know shes, tryingbut there's no backing it up with her... so I feel she's only doing it bc I want her to witch is good but I don't feel comfortable so I don't feel good as,I should when she does it... I agree when u say that if a person truly loved u they go out of there way to please u and make it be leave able..... I do it all the time for her. u guys think I could really care less if roses are red or yellow... I don't but d he definitely believes I do bc I know that's her interest and that's what couples should do... the interest comes from love not from self judgment I think

Maybe its time to really have an open conversation about what you really want to be a part of your sexual play. I think she really hasn't told you what her deep seated reasons for rejecting your suggestions for being a part of your fetishes. You should try to have this conversation in a non-confrontational way making it more about her and why she is or is not comfortable with doing what would be fun for you. Once out in the open you might be able to change her mind or at least be open to trying new things that might be pleasing for both of you. There may even be some hidden desire on her part that she would like to play out which will get her more turned on and possibly make her open to doing what you want to do.

But her objections may run deep and you may never get what you want in your sexual relationship with her. You have to be prepared for what comes out of that conversation. Once all the cards are on the table you will at least know what to expect in the future.

Im trying hard.....NOT....to be judgemental................but,generally it seems........when men marry,they NEVER want the girl to change...........on the other hand(usually)......women cant wait to change their husband. Sex has been an effective weapon to get what you want(marriage), but with time(and"mission accomplished") it often becomes a sexual warzone. Pity we cant be truly honest without being unfairly judged................every marriage is different,I envy those that are."on-the-same-page"

I have been married for nearly 28 years. She knew of my kink (enemas, inflatables) from the beginning. She has not really accepted this from the beginning and even wanted to leave then. Now in a time in my life when I am when I am battling heart failure/systolic failure hence the trouble with ED, the wife wants to remind me how she does not approve of my kink and how it has effected our relationship. This kink has been with me and forming since childhood and she wants it to just disappear. Not likely to happen. I love her but cannot change. She says it is very unlikely that I would ever find someone into what I enjoy. I think that she is wrong. Yet it is unlikely that I would ever seek out someone else. She seems to think that it is related to homosexuality as some family members have taken that path. It is not. Sexuality in this marriage has ended, partly because of a medical inability to do so. I have my suspicions that an inflatable toy has been destroyed or disposed of in which she has a past history of doing. To help in the need for prostate health (father had prostate cancer) and my sanity I have a Venus 2000. An erection is not required to have success with this. Should anything ever happen to this device it could end our relationship altogether. I keep it hidden away. So my kink will be hidden away as well.

I was in a relationship for over a decade. We had a great sex life. Neither of us were vanilla and we were both fairly open to new things. We both loved just about anything anal. Both enjoyed BDSM, etc. We had sex often and it was great!

One day he dropped a bomb on me. It was about a sexual fetish he had an interest in for years. Something I never in a million years suspected or would have ever thought for one second he'd be into. It's nothing horrible. Nothing sick. I can't deny though, I was in shock to say the least! However, I loved him and I didn't want to hurt him by letting him know how shocked I was or how indifferent I was to this. I told him it was a lot for me to swallow and I would just need a little time to warm up to it but no doubt would be fine with it. So I thought!

Well I tried. I tried so hard to understand this and to learn how to deal with it. While I understood it for the most part it was still leaving me with a lot of questions and although his answers were what I needed to hear, I was still very uncomfortable with it. Suddenly I began questioning everything. His sexuality. His REAL reason for this fetish. My mind was spinning in all different directions. Eventually, I decided to just go with it and give it a try. I engaged in this fetish with him and I tried to enjoy it. I never did. I loved that it gave him pleasure but for me it was exactly as was mentioned here in a previous post. I was doing it for him but that was the only reason and I couldn't wait for it to be over. For me it was a chore. I hated it. It got to a point to where we were having less sex because this was something I was always trying to avoid. Eventually after another decade or so there was less and less sex and eventually none at all. Very little intimacy or affection of any kind. I thrive on physical affection of all kinds. I love hugs just because. I love kissing....spooning and walking holding arm in arm with the one I love and of course, I love sex! I'm a very sexual person. However I found that side of me was being suppressed and now things were no longer the way they used to be. We had other issues but the lack of sex became a big problem for both of us. It's sad that two people that love each other can live together and both want to be intimate with each other but yet they can't because of one person's desires. A desire that was very strong for him and meant a lot to him and it was equally as upsetting to me.

In time the relationship fell apart. I am a klysmo and I never pushed that issue with him. We engaged in it to a minimal degree but I knew he wasn't totally on board with it and I didn't want to have him please me knowing that he really didn't enjoy it. I knew how I felt about his fetish and didn't want to think of him feeling similar to that. So neither of our needs were being met. Things got worse and a relationship that was decades old died.

A couple of years ago I met someone else. I wasn't looking for anyone but I met someone here that stole my heart. He had me at hello! He knocked me off my feet. He was my dream man in every way and then some... AND the cherry on top.... he was a klysmo!!! WOW! Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to fall for someone that had the same interests as me. It was the most incredible feeling to be with this man that I adored and loved AND be able to share in my fantasies and desires with him! I remember asking him several times when we first met.."are you real?......is this a dream?" because it was such a dream!

We shared interests in all of the things I'd fantasized about forever and the best thing was he shared in the majority of the same things. He got it! He understood. It was wonderful! I loved everything about him regardless of the klysmo aspect of him but that certainly made the relationship a dream come true. It brought it to a completely different level. I remember having our bags hanging side by side in the shower to dry. There was no shame. No guilt or embarrassment. No fear. We both loved that! I loved the feeling of being free to be me. No hiding. No shame. No worries! We both enjoyed that level of freedom of being with a klysmo.

I have always felt like love comes first and then hopefully if they're not into what I'm into, I can try to turn them onto it! However, I will say that being totally in sync sexually with someone that enjoys engaging in your fetish, sure did make things so easy and fun and what a thrill!

I've had an interest in enemas since I was about 5 or 6 and as I got closer to my teen years those interests turned sexual. It's been a big part of me for decades and it's hard to be with someone that you know will never share in that big part of who you are.

My Zity man was my dream man. My Mr Right but I wasn't his Miss Right. I'm not looking for anyone. However when I do decide to go down that route some day, looking for Mr Right #2, (I hope), I wont seek out a klysmo intentionally BUT after my experiences with my Mr Right, it's almost hard to imagine being with someone that's not. I got spoiled!

You can go through life loving someone and accepting that the love you feel for them and receive from them is enough to make you happy. Knowing that you will never have your deepest sexual desires fulfilled and most likely will never get that person to engage in your fetish. It's something you are willing to accept. Love before fetish. It's a sacrifice.

However for some, that fetish is so much a part of who you are. In many cases it's a fetish that you have had for most or all of your adult life. If you are like me, you think about it every day. You've fantasized about it thousands of times and if you were lucky, may have even engaged in it with a previous partner or two but knowing that you have to spend the rest of your life with this person that cannot completely please you or fulfill a huge part of your needs may not be enough. In my opinion, there's a fine line between the two situations and obviously it's a matter of priorities. Sex isn't everything. Sex is a wonderful thing and it can be the glue that forms a strong bond between two people. Is love enough? Sex without your fetish may be enough and then again, it may always leave you longing, wondering, hoping and craving for that something that you can't enjoy and it can definitely drive a wedge between you. I lived it. I've been on both sides of that fence in more ways than one. It's a constant mental struggle.