Coming out of the closet.

Let me give you a little bit of history before I pose my question - I'm 53 and I've been married to my High School sweetheart for 33 years. We have a 30 year old daughter and 3 beautiful grand daughters. We both grew up and live in conservative NE Indiana with the closest city being Fort Wayne. We live in a small town / rural farm community.

For the first 20 years of our marriage, our sex life was "OK". Occasionally my wife would show her kinkier side and was open to some moderate toys and occasional anal activity. on rare occasions she would be the one giving. Despite my efforts, sex was usually limited to once a week - with the kinkier fun maybe a few times throughout the year. To be fair, we were both kind of inhibited and backwards about communicating what we liked. With that being said, neither of us would bring up kinkier activities until we were in the heat of the moment - so we were usually poorly prepared for it - i.e. cleaning out with a good enema or putting thought into what would be good toys to fit our needs. I've always been content to use self gratification (sometimes kinky, sometimes just straight forward) - to satisfy my needs. Anywhere from a couple times a week to multiple times in one day, depending on my mood, free time, and available privacy.

About 10 years ago, my wife went off of birth control. I don't know if it's related but, her sex drive took downward course and her attitude toward any sexual deviations changed as well. Her physical state has changed a lot too. She put on a lot of weight, has bad knees, high blood pressure, and modest sugar and cholesterol concerns. Our sex life now is pretty much nonexistent. We have intercourse maybe once every other month and is always initiated by her. I found the constant rejection of my attempts to initiate it too psychologically painful. When we do have sex it is identical almost every time. Her on her back and me on my side, little or no foreplay. With her bad knees, she's not open to any other positions and with her now being considerably larger than me, missionary position is awkward.

About five minutes into things, when it becomes clear that we are going do it - she stops everything, goes and gets a couple towels, the KY, and a condom - lubes up, hands me the condom and assumes her flat position once more. By now my erotic meter has dropped and I have to mentally focus on keeping erect enough to follow through with the process - which is usually fairly short and unfullfilling for both of us. When my arousal is high (with both partners) I can stay hard and make love as long as needed, but with the eroticism killed I can only go about 5 minutes until I involuntarily have my orgasm and am done - (I still don't understand that). I did get an escort one time a few years back just to test the theory - the sex was great but I really have no interest doing that on a regular basis, as it seems terribly selfish of me and exuberantly overpriced.

The following is copied from my Profile = rather than retyping it all…

======

After 30+ years of marriage, most of my erotic play is solo in the privacy of my upstairs office.

I recently performed an enema in the interest of colon cleansing - I had forgotten how arousing they could be. I decided to incorporate them into my solo play and joined this forum because I find the posts here both interesting and informative.

I may be interested in actually meeting like minded people at some point.

11.8.14 Profile Update: I bought my first enema bag last week and have been experimenting nightly with volumes, positions, etc. I'm finding it quite enjoyable and learning more everyday - both from this forum and through trial and error. I also spend a fair amount of time thinking of ways to accommodate my new obsession without alerting my wife to the fact. Things like how to have adequate hot water available without running the faucet every hour or so, and buying my own toilet paper stash are just a couple of things that I've had to take into consideration. I must admit that the whole thing has been liberating though - and I'm starting to get the mind set that I may just tell her about my kinks and let the chips fall where they may.

======

Sorry for such a long lead in, but i felt it was necessary in order to pose my question.

Are there any members with similar situations who are willing to share their thoughts on any or all points above? And do you think telling her about my past and planned future solo sex practices is a good idea or something I should just be happy with and enjoy.

I'm very thankful for finding this forum. If nothing else it has given me a place to share my thoughts that have been locked up in the privacy of my mind AND the opportunity to live vicariously through others and the many great posts in the forum.

I look forward to any and all response

Doug

Thought I'd also add - I am still in good health, no medications, not overweight but with a modest pot belly you would expect from an average 53 year old. Though I'm not 30 anymore - I'm still pretty active, with good strength, mobility, and endurance. My wife and I are the same age, but physically and behaviorally it feels like were 20 years apart.

Doug, I feel your pain. Being married 22 yrs to a "vanilla" husband I understand how hard it is to talk about your secret desires. I too have found this sight to be a great outlet and have found some amazing people here. If you wish for your marriage to continue and improve you must have a heart to heart with her. Easier said than done, I know. I truly wish you the best of luck.

Doug,

In can empathize with your situation. I also struggled with the same thing for a while. My wife was raised in a very traditional household, very loving, very motherly. After we had a couple kids, they consumed her time. I love my kids, but daddy needs loving too. This went on for a few years. During that time, we didn't talk about sex, or the lack there of. We still had sex, but it was a quick one and then we were done. Ironically, I thought... how lucky am I? A few minutes in bed and back to the football game. That attitude lasted for about two months, then, I think I took on a womanly role (no offense to anyone, just making a point). I got pissed because there was no foreplay, she didn't take her time, etc. So, I began all manners of things to entertain myself. Fast forward a couple years.

Something clicked and I wanted something more. One night, I asked her if I could talk about something. I laid things out at high level and then let her talk. And I listened without commenting. Then when she was done, I'd talk a little more. I ended up listening a lot more than I was talking. I didn't expect that. We talked for hours.

Bottom line was that things are much better now. Breaking personality habits take a while, a long time. There's usually steps forward and steps back. More communication and more communication as things work themselves out.

You've been married a long time. You and her have earned the right to talk to each other about anything, even if it's uncomfortable. Talk, listen. Listen,, talk. Keep away from personal attacks if they come up. Keep it positive, focusing on where you want to go instead of how you got there. It might not be an easy road, but you'll like the destination.

A couple other things, just my 2 cents. People can get very down about their weight. Coupled with some health problems you mentioned, aging, and hormone changes, do you think your wife may be depressed where she should go see a doctor? If she is depressed, she may need medication. Depression ain't a "pep talk your way out of it" any more than you can pep talk a pancreas into working for a diabetic.

I'm not there with you so I don't know all of the details, but I think more communication would help to kick things off.

If you need someone to talk to about it, there are a lot of good people here, or feel free to send me a message anytime. I really hope things looking brighter from here on out.

Great advise Shrkbtn. Thank you.

You're welcome. Best of luck!