I couldn't go :(

My fiancee scheduled her appointment about a month ago for the 27th, and she was going to bring me with her as a Valentine's Day present. I was pretty excited. It was a new doctor since she hasn't been to one since we graduated from college. The doctor is an internist. So we got there and she signed in and everything and we waited. After a bit the nurse called her back and my fiancee told me to 'come on'. I went to get up and the nurse said that I wasn't allowed back there for her pap. The other doctors in the practice wouldn't care but the doctor she was seeing (a female) is very particular about not letting spouses or anyone else come back for any exam really. I was really excited and so was my fiancee, and it should have been up to her but her doctor wouldn't let her. She couldn't leave either because her health insurance under her mom ends in a few days, and scheduling something else in that time frame would've been probably not possible and we won't get insured together for a few months. So I sat in the waiting room and she had to go back without me. Back there the nurse explained that it's really weird that her doctor doesn't allow such things since we've obviously seen everything of each other after 4.5 years and that this doctor is just really weird about it, and she's a bit weird about some other things too.

She texted me some pics of her in her gown and stuff while waiting and about how this was ridiculous, and then again afterwards of her and of the tools and such before she came back out. Still couldn't compare to being in there with her. The reasons weren't just for me, she wanted the support too. The nice thing I guess is that it was really quick. I only waited for about twenty minutes, and she said the actual complete pelvic was probably under a minute, with the speculum only being in for like seconds. She said the breast exam was longer than the pelvic or about the same and usually it's the opposite. But, despite that, she said her doctor was not personable at all and was really awkward. So I guess she's not going back there - fine by me. We haven't been frustrated like that in a while.

I just had to vent about it. It was frustrating - the amalgamation of events that led to it having to go that way. Sort of strange that such an unpleasant sounding person can end up in a job like this and have patients come back, but then maybe some people don't care about having a doctor who is a pleasant person. She really liked the NP she had when we were in college at the student health center - she wasn't shy or embarrassed, liked talking and was gentle (but took longer) with the exam. This doctor was also a little rougher.

BUT we have birth control for another year, we won't have to worry about her period during our honeymoon (which we accidentally scheduled to coincide with each other - oops! Having sex while she's on it doesn't bother us but we didn't want to remember it that way and it's at the beach) and I have probably one of the coolest girls out there to be so open and excited about it. And hey, it leaves something for us to look forward to next year 😃 It was very upsetting but all in all a success.

She wants us to get a family doctor together, or an NP since that's what she had before and her mom is one and both were total naturalists, so that we can go at the same time, so that'll be pretty neat.

Afterwards we went home and played with our speculum and enjoyed each others' bodies, which was of course very nice.

Thank You for the post and the pictures, I enjoy reading and looking at pictures of the real life exams. Still kind of find it odd that you were not aloud back to watch the exam.

Thanks for posting, and very good "report" of the exam, even though you weren't present. I can't imagine that a doctor would not allow you back during any portion of the exam, including the pap. It is the patient's choice, not the doctor's choice, whether to have someone in the room or not during the exam. Glad you are finding a different provider next year.

Thanks.

I know, I thought that was very odd as well.

I'm glad she's finding a new one too (or that we're getting one together).

It was pretty frustrating that the 'perfect storm' of events happened the way they did. It's the doc's right to deny my entry but it's kind of bs that she had to go through it without me because of outside factors. My fiancee was kind of blindsided and before she could've figured out what to do the whole thing was over, so oh well. Next time I don't think it'll be a problem, especially if we find a doctor together, and we'll check when making the appointment so we don't get blindsided again at the very least.

The proper way to handle this, assuming that your spouse wants you to be with her is to go ahead regardless of what the doctor says. If the doctor puts up physical resistance, both of you turn around and leave together. As soon as you re-group call the state medical board and file a complaint. It is your spouses right to have you with her. I have generally found that when you start walking out and talking about filing a complaint things change really rapidly. It might actually be up to the doctor, but, the last thing in the world they want is the bullshit and paperwork of fending off an attack on their name. And something like wanting to be alone with a woman in that type of an exam might get their insurance company nervous.

If you have a bullet wound and are bleeding to death you don't have as many options, but for a scheduled exam, you can always turn around and leave. You can also still file a complaint. I would. That kind of behavior really pisses me off and the only way you can fight it is by fighting it. Hit em hard where it hurts.

Well, we would've but she needed a new RX and her mom is switching jobs and by the time her mom has insurance again we'll be 26 and needing to get our own, so we're just doing that a little early. That happens in a couple of days so this made the most sense. If we'd left we'd have been out of luck about birth control (which we have to pay full price for until we get our own insurance but luckily it isn't too expensive, $58.00 a month).

I'll tell her she can file a complaint if she wants to but it was a female doctor and it doesn't sound like there was any wrongdoing. It's up to her. I won't file a complaint. If it were a male doctor that did that I'm pretty sure we'd have walked right out the door. I wouldn't have been able to tolerate that but my fiancee is pretty adamant about wanting a female anyways.

It's not really a big enough deal to me to get anyone else involved and it isn't much of my business either, but I'll let her know, though since it was upsetting to her too. It's a big enough deal for her to not want to go back there - she was pretty unhappy about it. I wouldn't file a complaint if it were me unless there were some kind of indicator that the doctor had done something wrong or abusive, rather than just not allowing spouses (well, almost) in. It's a dumb rule for sure but I don't know that the Med Board would care.

I definitely didn't want to be the person who just forces their way in. Even though that doctor has stupid rules I don't think that would've been a good idea. At least I wouldn't be comfortable with it, again it'd have been different if it were a male.

Thank you for the input, though. I'll let her know and see what she thinks. Doesn't seem worth it to me, though.

It sounds as though you're taking the mature and rational approach to this. Still, I would have to wonder what a doctor (of either gender) is doing that can't be witnessed by a significant other. As long as you have your ducks in row this year, then all is well. I sure as heck wouldn't be going back to that practice and when I called to get my records transferred elsewhere, I'd tell them exactly why.

Thanks. Still having sort of a rough time about it but life goes on as they say.

Screw them. She might file a complaint to that network.

You did exactly what you should have done, and if the situation does bother your fiancee, then I would indeed encourage her to make a formal complaint.

To respond to a post below, you absolutely should NOT have gone in with her regardless unless the doctor offered "physical resistance". While your fiancee has every right to have whoever she wants in the exam with her, the doctor also has the right to control who is on his or her premises, especially those areas which are not open to the public in general, and the doctor also has the right not to see patients if they don't follow the office rules. If you ignore the office staff's instructions and proceed into a private area, you would be trespassing. And even if marching in against the doctor's policy succeeded in getting you into the exam room and you weren't facing trespassing charges, it's generally not a good idea to needlessly antagonize someone who will be intimately examining and potentially providing treatment for someone you care about.

In an ideal world, you would not have been dealing with insurance issues and the need for a prescription, and could have simply left and found another doctor. But under your real-life circumstances, you--and your fiancee--did the best you could have done.

Those were my thoughts too.

We would've just left and found another doctor but we really needed to get those things I mentioned squared away. That was a huge part of why it was so frustrating.

Last night we called my fiancee's mom, an NP who has worked a lot giving women their yearly exams, and I was actually really nervous because I think a big part of this whole thing for me was feeling ashamed that I wanted to go in with her. I've never told anyone that I was interested in going but her mom is someone that we can really be open with but I was nervous regardless. So we called her on speakerphone and talked to her about it. Her mom's response was that thinking that was ridiculous and it's fairly normal for the significant other to go - more don't than do but enough do go that it's not an abnormal feeling at all to want to go in with her. She said the reason they probably didn't allow me in was because it was a general physician's office and they just aren't used to doing women's exams there, which was also probably why the doctor acted so awkward about it. She also said that HOW the nurse told us that I couldn't come back was all wrong, in addition to them being wrong about not allowing it.

When I first walked up with my fiancee the assistant kind of made a scene about it, saying something like, "For a PAP?! NO he can't come back here for that!" She was nicer once they got back there but the reason we were both blindsided and unwilling to fight about it was because she did that so loudly in front of about five people behind the receptionist area and three people in the waiting room (who were all middle aged men). My fiancee's mom said that the nurse was probably afraid of getting in trouble with the doctor who was sort of weird (she said that hearing that really spelled out the office environment to her) and so overreacted, but regardless it was completely and totally inappropriate, what she should have done was (well what they should have done if they weren't going to let me in) take us back and explain it in a more private setting instead of exclaiming our business in front of everyone.

I think another part of why I was upset was because I felt powerless and like my opinion and desire to go with her didn't really matter...but her mom said that I should have a say in going, and if my fiancee wants me there (which she did) than I have a right to be there...we're getting married after all!

So it was nice to get some validation from her, and she really made us feel a lot better about it, and told my fiancee that she should absolutely find a new doctor (and called this one a bitch...lol). It was also nice to be able to be so open with someone who has experience in the field and someone besides my fiancee, it really got rid of the ashamed feeling I had about it. I'm in a state of huge relief after getting all of this off of my chest to her and my fiancee, with my fiancee helping explain it and what happened since when trying to explain my emotions I don't always explain them in an easy to understand manner.

Her mom told us both to write letters to the doctor or the healthcare network about it, letting them know why they're losing business, because that's what healthcare organizations really hate. I don't know if we will or not, I will if my fiancee does but she wants me to type the letter and then she can sign it, don't know about that.

I'm an extremely lucky guy to have such an awesome fiancee and such an awesome (future) Mother in Law.

Anyways, thank you guys for listening. I know this thread hasn't necessarily been 'medfet' oriented but you were all really helpful and supportive about this. I really appreciate it, this place is great.

Update.

The office manager called her back, like, six weeks after she sent her letter and was really apologetic and told her they were going to train everyone to make sure they don't divulge potentially embarrassing information to the entire waiting room, and to bring the patient back to talk, and then bring their chaperone (in that case me) back for the exam part. He said that's what they should've done in the first place. He said they were very out of line to do what they did.

Sorry that happened to you! It is definitely time to switch doctors. Regardless of whether it is a gyno appointment or any other medical appointment, if the doctor won't let the patient bring in support, then something is wrong.... I would never tolerate that.

Thanks for the support. We read what you guys said and things other places, and spoke with her mom and now we know what to do 😃

Wish we would've known what to do beforehand.

My better half made an appointment at an OBGYN for later this month, since she wants to figure out some other things and wants to have that sort of doctor for the future, and she asked them on the phone if she could bring me. They said of course, and said it was silly that the last place wouldn't let her.

I'll be looking forward to reading your account of the exam ...or better yet seeing your pictures....

Ha, I'll recount it. The pictures are all mine, though. She would never let me post anything with her in it.

Looking forward to it!