While I realize that this topic has been brought up many times in the past, I think my questions are a little more specific then the general once previously asked.
I don't even know what or how to ask since Doc and are are relatively new with this whole spanking concept.
First let me say that neither of us are pain sluts. Yes, no matter what kind of spanking we are administering/receiving, extreme pain is not something that we want, desire, or need. In other words, we are kind of more on the vanilla side as far as spanking is concerned. We have absolutely NO desire to use canes, or anything in that harshest of impliments, at least not at this time.
We have currently in our stock of spanking impliments the following things, 2 riding crops, one shorter and stiffer, the other longer and more supple, a flogger, our hands, and our newest item, a round black leather paddle, and one of my personal favorites, a white and blue heavy duty flyswatter, and the swatter part sort of looks like a cross between a flower and a butterfly.
We have three basic styles/forms/reason/mind sets for spanking, and they go both ways. One is a flirty spanking, these never really hurt, they might sting a bit here and there, but they are mostly for fun that is intended to lead into more fun if you get my point.
The second kind of spanking is during roll play. This one right now is one sided with him receiving the spankings because he is able to give himself to me completely and allow me to take total charge. While these are often fun, they are in the medium side of the pain scale usually. At this point however, I am unable to really receive spankings when I am in "baby" mode, that's his nickname for me when we are doing dom/sub things. However, when he spanks me he can get into the dom roll completely, but I have not been able to release or relinquish my total self to him quite yet at this point. That's a whole nother story, but basically in a nut shell, he has to prove that he is my mental superior, he needs to get in my face, maybe even be harsh and degrading to a point. He will have to break me in order to get me to totally give myself, mind, body, and soul to him totally and utterly without question. Then once he breaks me down to the bottom, he can, and I expect him to spank me, harshly to cement that he is my dominant. Without doing the mental breakdown first, one of two things would happen, either I would laugh, or it would just make me more horny, and neither of which are the points or outcomes I want to happen.
On the other side, I have taken him to that side a few times. Once I was able to break down his very strong walls, get him to realize that it was okay to not have to be in charge, to let go so that his mind could break free of the deamons that had been haunting him for 30 years or so, he changed, he started gaining back his self esteem, he grew stronger mentally so fast, and a lot of thing were finally put in perspective and or brought to the surface so that he could deal with them in an adult and rational manner and then he was able to finally put them to rest, and close that final chapter. Not on everything, but on a lot of things. We are still working on it. Point is, he has totally surrendered to me, and can totally surrender to me when we are both in the mind sets to do so. I can't personally let go enough yet. I want to, I really want to, but I just can't until I know that he can beat me at my own mental games of always making sure I'm in charge, I'm right, and no matter what he says, I always have a more snappy come back. I have given him my "blanket" permission to do and say what he feels I need to hear, which is the truth in its most blatant, crass, and even mean and hurtful way, whatever it takes to first destroy the protective walls, and then to take me down as well. I have told him that I want him to get up in my face, in my personal space, scream and yell if he has to. Whatever, he sees fit, and whatever he deems appropriate. I told him that I will get defensive, and verbally push back, and for the first time, someone needs to stand there and push me right back, but harder and harder. He's going to have to not only make me mad, he's also going to have to make me angry, and hurt my feelings by not holding back the blunt truth. I need that more than anyone realizes. Then, after he's totally beaten me mentally at my own mind fuck games then and only then will he be able to spank me and have it mean something in that Dom/Sub roll. Only then will I know without a doubt that he actually is my true Dom and I am his true sub. I hope psychologiclaly that makes sense to someone?
The third type of spanking we deliver to each other are also not for play, or for future play. These too are also very serious. They are meant to hurt, but not mame or break the skin or anything. These spanking are done by Doc as Doc, and me as me, no role playing about this kind. This kind of spanking falls more into the line of "biblical spankings" for lack of better terms. These tend to be serious infractions on either of our parts while we are away from each other. An example of this might be something along the lines of he forgetting my birthday, or me being late for work three days in a row because I procrastinated too long. And these are dumb examples, but you get the point in the differences in all three mostly depending on our mind set and or roles we happen to be playing or are in the mood for.
See, what a lot of people don't understand, or don't need to understand is that spanking can be more, way more than just spanking butts to make each other horny, which, again, depending on our moods and mind set can be that and that is our intentions of those spanking adventures. And from what I read a lot on EC, this seems to be the general mind set for most peoples ideal spankings, which are perfectly fine and natural.
Most people are accountable to someone else in their live to help keep them in check, in line, neither of us are. We don't have to answer to anyone, or defend our selves, words, decision, or actions. But like children, even adults need limits, boundaries, and need to have someone that will hold them accountable for their infractions. Doc and I are that for each other, I am not just quite there yet.
Some of the things that we need to be spanked for in a serious sort of a way may not be things we have necessarily done wrong, but things from our past that we need to be forced to deal with, so again, we can again, bring them to the surface, look at them from an adult point of view, rationalize them, and hopefully put them to rest once and for all. We have to have someone stronger than ourselves to help us bring our demons to the surface, face them head on, support us during our battles, then still be there when it's over to love us, support us, and help once and for all put them to rest. He picked me to be that person for him because he knew I was stronger emotionally at that time to walk down that path with him, and even though he knew it wasn't going to be easy on either of us, and we both knew hurtful and maybe even mean things would be, and were said when I was in the process of finally breaking him down, he knew I would be strong enough to take everything in perspective, remain strong enough to pull him back up out of that dark place, and love him even more when it was all over. I was able to take him to his lowest point one night, the point he needed to get to to finally be able to completely break down, let the past stop haunting him and a slu of other things. At one point he was mean and nasty, telling me on one breath, the rational breath that he asked me to do this, and he loved me for doing it, but on a turn of a dime, under his breath,which I could still hear, he was calling me everything but a whilte woman. It was his final struggle of his own personal "good and bad" fighting till the death. Suddently, his pulling and fighting against the restraints stopped and he laid totally still, almost as if he had passed out.
I removed the mouth gag, which was a very small one and allowed him to still talk clearly enough for me to understand him, but big enough from keeping him from screaming, but that wasn't really the point of it in the first place, the point was to completely take away everything and anything that gave him any sort of control or freedom, and more importantly, his dignity. I also put the hood on his head, so the couldn't see what was coming when, or next. It also allowed him to only focus on what he could only directly hear, feel and himself by making him focus on what was going on in his head. Trust me when I tell you, it was a total mind fuck. But, there are several different kinds of mind fucks, and I do not actually recommend doing what I did to him, or hopefully what he is going to do to me, but it is an extremely effective form of therapy when done correctly, and when all the pieces and players involved are all lined up, ready and willing. This sort of, for lack of better terms, "mental breakdown" therapy can only be done safely and effectively between two people who are ready and willing, alert and oriented times three/four (depending on your state regs, lol), and who are completely connected mentally and physically speaking. They have to trust each other on levels they trust absolutely no one else on, and they have to be completely connected heart, mind, body and soul to each other, know each other so well that even the slightest change of skin color is easily detectable, which is usually the first sign that this particular therapy is working, and their blood pressure is starting to rise. Only people this connected are going to be able to tell when their partner is needing to be nearing the end of this sort of treatment, or needs to be pushed a little bit more.
As I said before, I had started to back off, as I knew I had taken him to the furthest point I could during his first session,, safely, his skin started to return to normal color, and he started to be less diapheretic, it was then he laid totally still, almost as if he had passed out. That sort of thing can and does happen in extreme psych sessions once in a while, but not very often. He was still breathing, and breathing normal breaths about 18 a minute, which, after a session like that, was perfect. I removed the 4 point restraints, the mouth gag, and the hood and shielded his eyes for a few minutes until his eyes adjusted to the dimly lit room. After a moment I refocused on him and noticed he was sobbing. So I crawled up in bed with him and got behind him. I wrapped my legs around him, held him as tightly as I could and rocked with him.
He kept saying over and over and over again how much he loved me, and without me he would be nothing, unable to go on. And a lot of other things that I wasn't quite able to understand because he was crying. He kept asking me why I loved him and how he wasn't good enough for me, and how he got so lucky to be the one that I picked out from all the others. Then he started crying even harder, and hugging me even tighter. He kept saying over and over that he's ruined my life and that I deserved better than someone like him. And this went on and on for probably another 30 minutes or so.
But, from a psychoanalytical perspective, I could surmise that the issues he choose to deal with, or the one that was most important to him at the time of this treatment was our relationship. And I will be the first person to admit that Doc's and I's relationship isn't always rainbows and puppy dogs. We definitely have our issues that most normal couples have, but to be honest, very very few of those. We have a whole different set that most people don't have, the biggest of which is the distance between us. Most long distance relationships are lucky to last a year, ours has been 4. It has not been easy at times, but what relationship hasn't? Being 600 miles apart definitely has it's own set of relationship challenges, that's for sure. But, with that being said, relationships take work sometimes to keep them happy,healthy, and growing, and ours is no different. But when two people really love each other the way we do, and the love is honest and pure, it, meaning love, will always find a way.
After this spanking session was over, we had a bit to drink and then fell asleep for a good 2 hour nap, curled up in each others arms, and I think we woke up in the same position we fell asleep in we were that exhausted. Sessions like that are both very very mentally and physically exhausting, it might surprise you. It did us. When we woke up, we were both starving. We went and got a bite to eat and then we started discussing the session. I knew he needed time to process what had happened, so I let him bring it up in his own way, on his terms, and when he was ready.
I noticed from that almost exact moment, Doc changed. A few changes were noticeable almost immediately, and were subtle, over the next few days stronger and more noticeable changes started to emerge, and I must say, ALL for the better. He seemed to have found a new strength in himself, a renewed sense of self. Suddenly he was back in control of his life and the things in it, and not because he has OCD and has to be, but back in control of the things he wanted to be in control of, because he enjoyed it, not back in control because he felt trapped and didn't have any other choice but to be in control. And the biggest change I noticed in him after that day was that he was happy, he was genuinely happy. And since that session, there have continued to be positive and bigger changes, not only with him personally, but in everything he has to deal with, interact with, and work with. One of the first things that attracted me to him 4 years ago, geeze, the list is HUGE, seriously, but one of the first and main things that attracted me to him was his mental strength and confidence, which looking back on it now was at best a tenth of what it is today.
This type of session was definitely the right choice for him, and he, like the rest of us has more things that would probably benefit from more of the same. As long as he continues to want me to do them to him, and we both feel they are beneficial to his physical and mental well being, and has the kind of issues that can be dealt with in this sort of manor, then I will continue to do them for him because I promised him 3 and a half years ago that I would love, honor, and obey him, trust him, take care of him, support him, stand by him, and most importantly, love him, at all times, no matter what, and all that aside, not only is it an honor to do so, but it's also my privlidge and pleasure to do so.
Holy crap, I really have got to stop beating around the bush with my posts and get to the point already. I hope at least someone made it this far because I really do need help with spanking stuff, lol. Again, let me remind you, Doc and I are not pain sluts as a general rule. And this is sort of hard to explain because we like a spanking that makes our cheeks red and hot. We do not want to break skin, or bruising. I wouldn't mind being bruised, but here again, there is bruising and there is bruising.
We don't like the real sharp stinging pain like from a cane for example, and that leaves one of the kinds of bruising I don't want. Our favorite instrument to spank with actually are our hands. We like the personal touch and feel of skin on skin contact, however, my man has a pretty tough exterior, must be that dark Italian skin of his, I have very white skin, so white my friends tease me and tell me it's opaque, lol, needless to say, I'm Irish, fair skin, freckles, blue eyes, doesn't take much to bruise me or redden either sets of cheeks, so bruising really isn't a problem for me, it's sometimes unavoidable in fact. So back to the spanking with hands, it is our favorite, but I keep breaking blood vessels in my bilateral palms from spanking him because he can handle a much harder spanking than myself.
So, keeping in mind with what I mentioned clear at the top of this post, hours ago, lol, really, it was. Does anyone have any suggestions as to other spanking impliments we might enjoy? Ones that have more of the hand, broad leather paddle feel, rather than the sharp cane and instant bruise type of feel?
Anyone have any suggestions for me on how to stop breaking the blood vessels in the palms of my hands? That's sort of an odd feeling. It doesn't hurt right away, but after a few hours it starts throbbing, then they turn black and blue, and the next day both hand ache and it's hard to grip things, and sometimes I need to ummm, grip things if you get my drift, lol.
As I have mentioned before, spanking is not brand new for Doc and I, but relatively so on the grand scale of things, so any and all helpful hints, ideas, positions, suggestions or whatever would be greatly appreciated.
And, if you actually made it to the end of this post, remind me to give you a karmic bump. Its blatantly obvious, or should be to most of you now why I aced creative writing and struggled with Journalism, lol.
Thanks for listening/reading.