So a new young Filipina doctor is setting up a practice, and consults me (accountant) about setting up financial aspect. A software company installed medical software and Quickbooks. I came over and got tax ID’s Employer numbers etc set up. I trained her assistant on data entry, and basics of handling money, checks, receipts etc. Dr. A asked, “How long has it been since you had full physical?” Too long. I’d had surgery, but the surgeon just wants to know if I’m going to survive the surgery. “How about a trade. I examine you for the set up?” I assumed she was tight on money. “Deal,” I said. I had blocked off the last 2 hours of the day for her office, so I was off. I was her first and only ‘patient.’
Her assistant who had been in other offices for 4 years, whisked me off to an exam room, had me undress & into a gown. (other physicals I’ve had recently no one strips). She weighs me, takes vital signs.
Dr. A examines me, very thoroughly. I can’t remember anyone checking my thyroid. No general doctor ever looked in the eyes. Having had one hernia repair she checked the other side. Asked me if my tight foreskin caused trouble. I knew about the swollen left spermatic cord veins. But she had me get back on the table, to make sure they went down.
Getting to the rectal exam. I’d mentioned blood on the toilet paper and chronic intermittent constipation. She felt the outside of my anus. She pressed gently on the outside of the hole, then dipped her finger inside and I could feel it spinning, Sure enough I had hemorrhoids. She wants a better look, but I hadn’t pooed today. “I only need to look in a short distance, but you need to be cleaned out.”
She turned to Susie, who had stayed in as ‘chaperone.’ “Can you clean out Mr. Nakamura?”
“Sure. We have the enema equipment, and I put the anoscope and sigmoidoscope in the lower closet over there.”
In the course of the exam, doctor had taken the gown off my chest, peeled it farther down for abdominal exam, and as I stood for genital exam, had whisked it off. After the rectal exam I was ‘butt naked.’ Susie, about 30 YO now took over. She opened the door. “Bathroom’s over there,” indicating a door 15 feet away. “Don’t worry. We don’t have anyone coming in. No one but us.” It still felt weird walking around a public place naked. She followed me there, and told me to try to poo. No luck. Few minutes later she has a plastic bucket, tubing and a nozzle. I stand up, bend over, hands on knees to butt sticks out. She has nitrile gloves; smears lots of KY jelly on my butt. “I have to check.” She sticks a finger in, feels around; takes a long time, saying she’s breaking up hard poo. Next she sticks the narrow nozzle in. Compared to the finger it’s nothing. I can’t feel anything, but by and by, pressure. “You can sit. Try to hold it as long as possible.” Finally remembering I’m naked, “Are you cold?” I am a little cold. She comes back with my fleece jacket.
Five minutes later she tells me to let it go. Lot of water mixed with poo, intermittently interrupting the flow. I push. The poo comes out. More water. More poo.
Susie comes back with the bucket full again. This time there’s very little poo. She wipes my butt upper thighs several times until I’m dry. Another uncomfortable naked stroll in public.
Back in another exam room doctor has a flat table. I climb up on hands and knees, then instructed to get face down on a small pillow. Now butt in up in the air. I imagine my balls hanging down visible like a dog’s scrotum. Well, they’ve seen it all before. I’m just no use to showing it all. More KY jelly. Gratefully they’ve warmed up the instruments. I’d notice them in a pan of water—warm I now presume. The anoscope is much larger than a finger. I gasp audibly. “Push as if you’re trying to have a BM.” That’s counterintuitive. Push is supposed to help it go in? Worked. It’s weird feeling having something big in the anus. After a big poo which dilates the anus, there’s a good sensation lasting couple minutes. Same thing. I wonder if that’s why gay guys like being on the bottom.
Dr. A tells me she’s pulling out the plug and looking. I feel the scope rotating, the cut out part pushing at the anus walls. She pops it out. “Not bad inside,” she says. “Most trouble on the outside. While I have you here I want to look in a little farther.””
I next feel something bigger on my anus. I push and in it goes. I hear a puffing like an old fashioned blood pressure cuff with a bulb, then internal pressure. I can feel the tube moved at different angles, the sliding motion my anus. Inside I gasp a few times as the scope presses on something.
“Got it all the way in. Colon flexes and that’s it.” She slowly pulls it out. Stops once to suck out something. Quick look. Pulls it out. Susie, the cleaning lady, steps in to clean me up. This time there’s a lot of KY dripped down on my scrotum. She casually holds my balls stretching the skin. As I get off the table I’m embarrassed that I’ve got an erection. All the manipulation. I put a hand over myself, but doctor’s noticed, commenting it’s normal reaction. I hustle to get my clothes in the other room. Dr. A follows and assures me I’m healthy. I need to eat more fiber, 5-6 glasses of water a day and try generic Metmucil from Costco.
Figuring my hourly rate and hers, we came out even.