With all the recent attention on mammograms, I am waiting patiently for the development of a similar test for the penis.
The nurse-practitioner insists I must be fully erect for the procedure; I'm standing and she sits on a stool with wheels, facing me on my right side. She applies some lube to her gloved right hand and begins pulling my long-dangling-down penis with full-length strokes. Her left hand reaches around behind my legs and she alternates between gentle squeezes to my testicles and deep massage of the inner length of penis behind my scrotum.
Periodically she stops the direct manipulation of my shaft and simply watches the progress of my erection, which has gone from full-length hanging down and is starting to rise and grow more rigid. After another minute of stroking and observing, she's brought me to maximum erection; my penis is pointing above the horizontal and bobbing visibly with each heartbeat.
She reaches for the Penogram imaging equipment and rolls it toward me. It's an imposing device, about 1.5m tall, with its dominant feature being two thick,flat horizontal plates projecting from the front, spaced about 4 inches (10cm) apart and projecting forward about 20cm. She's already adjusted the equipment so the plates are at the right height.
She firmly grasps my erection by the base and rolls the equipment forward, so the lower plate slides under my penis and it finally presses firmly against my scrotum, pushing my testicles back between my legs. She locks the machine's wheels and checks carefully to ensure my testicles are not above the lower plate, then presses a button on the side of the machine.
"This may be a little uncomfortable, but it will only take a minute" she says. Servo motors whine and the upper plate begins a slow descent toward my erection. She reaches around behind me with her left hand and pulls my scrotum and testicles back gently, so they're well out of the path of the descending plate.
The moving upper plate touches the highest point of my glans and I feel a shock of cold metal as it slowly pushes my erection down toward the horizontal. A few seconds later the lower skin of my shaft contacts the lower plate, a second flash of cold. The vibrations of the motors come through the plates; my whole penis seems to buzz and tingle as they begin to press together. The pressure at first is gentle but the plates continue to close with relentless force. The motors seem to switch to a lower gear and their vibrations increase, as my hard penis is slowly squashed between the plates. In a few seconds it's compressed to about 1cm thick, feeling like it's about to explode. Just when I think I can't take more pain and pressure, the motors stop.
"Now we'll take a snapshot; take a deep breath and hold it..." she says. I breathe in and hold; she presses the image capture button and I feel a new vibration, then a sudden blast of warmth bathes my rigid flattened penis. She does it one more time, says "OK, we're done. Let's get your penis out of there now." The motors reverse and the top plate begins to rise. Freed from its bondage, my penis rises again from the horizontal, following the progress of the upper plate until it no longer touches the glans.
She unlocks and rolls the Penigram (tm) equipment away and gives my aching still-rigid penis a gentle squeeze. "There, that wasn't so bad, was it? He doesn't seem to mind, either!" She stands and checks the ultrasound image of my flattened penis on the machine's viewing screen. "Looks good," she says. "We'll send the image to the lab for analysis."