Part-time / limited sub??? Comments please!

I have a conflict about my "sub" tendencies. On the one hand, I love to be totally dominated for a few hours at a time, while being given enemas, and spankings, and such like. On the other hand, I like my day-to-day relations to be based on full equality. In other words, I don't want the sub role to take over my whole life. I don't want my partner making rules that I have to try to live up to. So my fantasy utopia would be that my partner and I are equal and independent most of the time, but we set aside a regular time for me to be disciplined - not needing any reason other than "it's that time", or because one of us gets the hots for one of our "sessions".

I suppose SOME of the dominant/submissive relation would be bound to creep into the rest of our time together. Something like this, maybe:

She: "You mean you spent ALL morning reading?"

Me: "Uh... Yeah."

She: "Mmm... You remember what day tomorrow is?"

Me: "Uh... Yeah."

She: "You'd better get your bottom ready for something extra this time!"

Me: "Hey! I worked really hard this week. I needed some time to unwind."

She: "Well, that's entirely your decision, isn't it? And whose decision is it what happens to your bottom tomorrow?"

Me: "Uh... Yours."

She, smiling: "That's right, Sweetie!"

By which time I'd probably be just about creaming my pants, and not too worried about her judging me. (Actually, being made to feel either guilty or unfairly accused would probably make me cry more readily, which is a plus as far as I'm concerned.) This sort of thing could excalate, I suppose. It would probably help keep things from getting out of hand if every now and then it was HER turn to be disciplined.

Or another "ideal" solution would be to have a side relation with a stern friend or "auntie", who ALWAYS dominates me, comprehensively, whenever we're together, but our "together" time is limited to an evening every week or two. (As long as enemas and spankings are a regular part of her domination pattern!)

Postings by "serious" subs suggest either a serious commitment to a 7x24 BDSM relation, or people who choose a lifestyle that includes corporal punishment as a consequence for breaking their partner's rules, also 7x24. Since I'm a part-timer, and don't want to commit my whole lifestyle to either of these patterns, I don't know quite how to describe my lifestyle tendencies in a nutshell. I also don't know if there's anyone else out there who is into this sort of "part-time" approach?

Any comments from "real" subs (or doms) about this? Anyone out there share my desires for a part-time / limited sub relation? Anyone currently in such a relation, or was at one time?

Hi! i've been doing s & m for over 20 years. it's fun to exchange power. it's fun to be dominated. anyone that thinks that only full time subs or masters are "real" is silly. the part time thing is perfect. sexuality is part of who you are, not all that you are. i'm not just a "cock" i'm a guy that likes the visual arts & baseball as well as experimental fiction. oh yeah, i like to put my girlfriend over my knee and give her twenty-but she's playing the whore-we talked today about how the "john/hooker" thing was a turn on. It's fun cos that's not who we are, we're a couple that really likes to discuss theology & politics. Good luck and i think by keeping a aprt of your life you're doing the right thing.

Sphinx, I was reading your post I never thought about being a sub but I have had a been a sub been given laxatives & enemas made to retain, filling my diaper . Having a lady friend who like to try things on me first. Some being the sub. But most times the next weekend it her turn so we past he sub thing around. I know what she will have happen to her because she has done it to me to see what this new laxative does or what she makes the enema with does to me she will have the same thing the next play time. I know what you are saying it is fun to play but in my case I get to give too.

D/s is one of those things that tends to be defined differently by anyone. I think it largely depends on how you look at it. When I have a serious submissive partner, he is always my equal. We may not always "play" that way - but his feelings and his opinions are always just as important as mine. The main difference tends to be that we both agree that my decision is the final one (but often, his opinion does in fact lead to that and is the basis for the choice that we make.)

We don't see our relationship as turning things on and off. He is always submissive to me, its just that its more obvious in some situations then others. We have our moments where there is no d/s, moments where there is a large d/s tone and moments that fall in between - but the current is always there and we both know it. From a personal level I don't ever really seeing a successful relationship with someone else not being this way. I value the person I am with, and that includes the whole side of them and I like being able to not have to worry about maintaining a sort of "role" all the time.

Dame, I read this post, and simply wanted to comment that I like the way you think, and express yourself; you are to be applauded...

😮

Some people enjoy living as subs 24/7, and some of us only like it as far as bedroom games go. There's nothing wrong with either choice. I was willing to try the whole "taken in hand" thing, in which one partner (usually female) totally submits every aspect of their lives to the other. My partner was absolutely NOT comfortable with that, so our d/s is pretty much confined to sex games.

I would not have been able to bring myself to suggest complete submission to him if I hadn't 100% trusted him to make decisions based on my best interest as well as his own. I would have never been able to give that kind of power to my ex; he was completely self-centered and would have absolutely dehumanized me, and I don't mean in a fun, sexual context.

Advise columnist Dan Savage had some good advice for a woman who sometimes wanted her husband to come home, dominate her, and spank the shit out of her , and other times wanted to be treated as an equal. He suggested she choose an obvious piece of jewlery, like a string of pearls, and wear it as a signal to her husband when she wanted to be dominated. I thought it was a good idea.

My husband and I both switch. Our degrees of domination and submission ranges from sensual to extremely severe, and the extremely severe only happens when the girls are at sleep away camp--like now and for the next six weeks or some other reason for them to be away from home.

We do not stay en role 24/7. Our power exchange is turned on only when we want it to be, which is only when the girls are out of the house and my husband and I are both in the mood for power exchange. There are no rules for power exchange between couples. Everybody does it in the manner that works best for them.

@sphinx: I also had this conflict. Especially in the beginning when you're trying to wrap your head around all the concepts and terminology. Reading "the story of O" and other fiction doesn't help putting things in perspective much either 😃

When I just came into the community people automatically labeled me as a sub (probably bc I'm female and petite). They would email me writing my name with a small capital and telling me "I may join them to this or that party if I'd like to". First I used to think the small capital was probably a typo (lol!) until they kept doing it while I signed my mails with my name in capital. Now I let it slip one time and if they don't get the hint of me signing off with a capital I will tell them there's little more off putting to me than that. First of all: I don't identify as a sub. Secondly: even if I would I'm not their sub. And if I would sub to someone I only sub for a pre-set time frame following rules that are carefully negotiated beforehand. As equals. If someone assumes I'm a sub "by nature" or whatever we're clearly not fit to play together since that's not how I experience BDSM. Also in the beginning I was reading all this crap about "some are leaders" and "some are followers". It's really not that black and white (mind you: this coming from a borderliner lol!) It's more that some people are more practical than others, have better communication skills or whatever that enables them to initiate things that people see as "leading". But remember:" A good leader serves many people." Leading and facilitating really aren't that different.

BTW I don't get really angry with people who treat me as a sub without knowing me; they probably think I'm enchanted by that or something so maybe it's even a compliment. Well I like to think that... Because if they would view me as unequal bc I'm female and petite I'd smash their little brains in. 😁

Did you read "The new Topping book" and "The new Bottoming book" by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy? I can't tell you how much of a relieve it was to read that.