After she’s done feeling me up, she tells me to lie back and put my feet in the stirrups. "Scooch yourself as far down on the table as you can," she says. She squirts out a big cold glob of KY onto me. The hot lamp is shining down on my openness and here it is, the moment I have spent dreading for the past 12 months.
Open your legs wider, just let them fall to the side.
I have to warn you, I have an irrational fear of the Speculum, I say to her.
She laughs at me...
Whatever!! She's not the one lying naked on the paper-laced table with her coocack being pryed open by a fucking grip spreader..
Don’t worry I’ll talk you through everything.
Now you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure….
Little bit of pressure??? The metal sides clamp together and I feel it pinching my inner flesh as she pushes it in further forcing the rest of my body inches up to the top of the table. Oh, they will TELL you that the cervix has few nerve endings so you should not feel significant discomfort. BULLSHIT! I’d rather endure 10 bikini waxes in a row than go through this torture.
Now Lori try to relax, the more uptight you are, the more discomfort you’re going to feel.
I'm practicing my yoga breathing, but it’s not working. I try to think pleasant thoughts. I’m thinking of Pugsley, of what great blog material this is, of spoon feeding strawberry ice cream into a guy’s mouth on a hot July afternoon…
It seems like she is struggling with something.
Hmmmm, you have a uterus that tilts forward.
What? Is that normal? When I get nervous I get real chatty and make mental notes to myself, I ask a lot of questions….
"It’s a normal variation of normal."
Okay, now she is just pissing me off! What the hell is "a normal variation of normal" supposed to mean..
Just relax now and breathe.
Wait, I know what’s going on here. She is trying to tell me that I have to open my cervix more, but I can’t help it if my natural bodily reaction to this stimuli is to reject the metal contraption from entering me any further....I once had a male Gyno tell me, mid-pelvic, that my cervix was like a scared turtle that kept going back into it's shell to hide.
Here we go Lori, just try to relax now..
Exactly how the fuck am I supposed to relax when you tell me I have a tilted uterus and you are coming at me with this scary piece of apparatus that looks like some kind of sophisticated alien probe used to torture and study the humans they abduct in the middle of the night to perform sadistic experiments on?? What’s much more disturbing than the way it looks, it what they actually DO with this thing once it’s inside.
She spreads my inner walls with the speculum which has a long tubular opening that is now pressed up into my opening. She inserts a flat stick and twirly brush through the cold metal spec and starts scraping the walls of my cervix. I feel it pinching and scratching my insides, it fucking hurts.
Hmmm, you have a lot of cervical mucous I see..
What does that mean??? What’s it there for??? Maybe that speculum shook some of my mucous loose!
Mucous is usually present in a woman’s cervix to keep bacteria out to help the transport of sperm through the uterus to the egg, she says..
Is that bad???
Actually, it’s very good. If the woman's body does not produce cervical mucous, or if the cervical mucous doesn't have sufficient elasticity, sperm cannot reach the egg.
Ah, so that must mean I’m fertile! As long as my tilted uterus cooperates that is.. I’m starting to feel a little bit better now. *Note to self* might not need medical assistance in getting knocked up down the road. Still keeping the number of the Frozen Egg Bank though.
Just when I think it’s over, she takes her rubber gloved finger and inserts it deep inside of me. Poking and prodding, checking ovaries, uterus, fallopian tubes to make sure all the other equipment is in tact and working. Couldn't she at least bump into my G-Spot a couple times while she's down there? A little something for my troubles..but I'm afraid that is the only thing she doesn't touch..
Okay Lori, everything looks great! as long as the pap results are normal you won’t have to hear from me for a year.
Wait, so that’s it? Gee Doc, couldn’t we go grab a drink or something after all of that intimacy? Aside from the lumpy breasts, cervical mucous, and tilted uterus, I'd say it went pretty well.