Allowed presence of friend/partner for support?

Generally, if someone goes to a doctor -- this comes up more at obgyn appts, especially when you're young or it's your first time -- it's generally allowed and considered more than appropriate if the patient wants someone to accompany them, yes?

What I'd like to know is ... when, and why, is this not allowed?

Here's two examples:

1. A young woman I met through my Tumblr blog went to a long overdue gyn appointment and got a positive pap test result. They had her come in for the standard colposcopy, and while there they decided (as they are wont to do), to take some biopsy samples. The poor thing was just besides herself, crying, begging them to stop but being told "just a lilttle longer, love". Traumatized.

True, this was during the time of covid, during which we all now know most excessive precautions were unnecessary and whatnot, but even so -- I ask you -- why the hell wouldn't it have been okay for her mom or boyfriend to accompany her to hold her hand and help her through it? Was the rationale, even for covid, sufficiently rational?

2. Just read this one -- right here (thank you for sharing your experience @Shygirl17 -- it's right here: https://en.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;msg=1353339).

In a nutshell, she says she "was already on edge because they wouldn't let Anthony back there". This was *last year*. 2023.

Why? Why the hell would any doctor not be willing to let a nervous patient have someone there to support them?

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Asking this here because I'm sure there are reasons, and we have plenty of true medical personnel in our midst, and I'd love to hear -- even if I might disagree -- what the rationalization is for insisting patients be isolated leading to a more traumatic experience when we clearly know this makes it harder for some people?

Thanks in advance!

-tyd

@TrustYourDoctor , it was an unfortunate experience, and one of which I hate the idea of anyone experiencing!

To this day, Anthony and I still don't understand the real reason they didn't want him back there with me. We always accompany each other at our doctor visits-not because of the medfet, it's just simply because we care deeply about our health and take it serious, and, with another set of ears and sets of questions, we learn more.

Now that I think about it, the doctor told me she'd never met a woman that wanted her husband to go in with her while she's having a well woman exam. What?!?! Maybe Anthony and I just very open with each other but, I don't get that rationale. Not only that but why would she tell me that 🤔 She laughed about it like she thought it was odd and I just took it as a complete insult. Nevertheless, she certainly felt bad when I ended up crying. God, that's soooo embarrassing to cry-I try my hardest to not ever cry in front of others, especially my doctor but there I was!

@Shygirl17 Unless you're married, they don't want your partner in there for an obgyn exam. Even if you are married, they don't want a man back there. If a man says they want to be part of the exam, medical professionals will think it is a domestic abuse situation and really won't let them in the exam room. Best case scenario is you're married, and the woman has anxiety and requests that her husband attend the exam. If they say no to it, then you sue the shit out of them and accuse the staff of shenanigans. Been through this many times. Chances are, if they try to keep the husband out of the exam when the woman clearly states she wants him there, they are up to no good. Sad but true.

@Shygirl17 Unless you're married, they don't want your partner in there for an obgyn exam. Even if you are married, they don't want a man back there. If a man says they want to be part of the exam, medical professionals will think it is a domestic abuse situation and really won't let them in the exam room. Best case scenario is you're married, and the woman has anxiety and requests that her husband attend the exam. If they say no to it, then you sue the shit out of them and accuse the staff of shenanigans. Been through this many times. Chances are, if they try to keep the husband out of the exam when the woman clearly states she wants him there, they are up to no good. Sad but true.

Good call, @naughtydoc .

I've read plenty of anecdotes on here -- and even on the center of 3rd/4th wave over-the-top feminism, r/TwoXChromosones, on Reddit -- that bring boyfriends along to early gyn visits (not hs, but college or as a young adult) aren't even remotely unknown or considered inappropriate.

Now, I'll grant them the idea that if the man is the one asking to join ... or if the woman is looking in any way coerced/uncomfortable ... then caution and looking for signs of abuse is absolutely the right approach and is necessary. I think this goes along with the essential need to have a girl without her parents with her at the doctor ... especially the gyno ... for at least a little while ... so she can talk freely and openly about matters sexuelle, or at least be able to give honest answers to the doctor without worrying about oversharing with her parents.

Again, so sorry you went through that @Shygirl17 -- I hope now you know that you're absolutely allowed to both *be* your own best advocate, and to bring an advocate along, so don't take no for an answer next time!

-tyd

I am from Germany and here it usually is whatever the patient wishes and feels comfortable with. Of course some doctors try to put their rules on patients but that are the doctors that closed down usually quickly.

I’ve been to a few gyno exams with people but I don’t have a spouse or anything yet. My friends mom is a OB/GYN and she says having others in the room with a patient is rather common. She says she has women bring their husbands, friends even some that feel more comfortable when their kids are present. She said she doesn’t care or judge as long as they don’t interfere with the exam. But she doesn’t mind if they ask questions or something. She said she doesn’t have a day go by where there is just patients by themselves. She’d estimate that 3 out of 5 women at her clinic bring someone with them. She said she has one patient who is in her late 20s and is absolutely terrified of the spatula that does the Pap smear so having her husband on one side holding her hand and her two kids on the other holding her hand makes her not so scared because she says the warm touch of them being there for her comforts her. So she has always allowed that and doesn’t care. Now sure some could argue that there is no logical explanation to having someone that’s not a friend or spouse there but I feel if the women gives a logic to them being more comfortable with it than by all means let them do it. Remember the exam is about the patient not the doctor. I’ve been with my mom several times when I was all ages. Been with my sister as well. The nurse at my sisters exam didn’t feel it was appropriate I be there but we told them that the exam wasn’t happening without me in the room.

Someone here told me I was lying about going with my mom and sister but I’m not. They are just more comfortable when others are with them.

Remember the exam is about the patient not the doctor.

Mic drop moment for @AutoMechanic right there.

And while I’d agree it’s potentially weird to be in your mom’s or sister’s appointments, I can also see it as simply another way to offer support for the women in your life who clearly trust you enough to focus on them rather than their bodies at a very difficult time.

-tyd

I have a crippling dental phobia. my caregiver lives in a different state and is unable to travel to accompany me. she stays on the phone with me and the staff is extremely accommodating and talks to her and me both throughout the appointment, everyone in the room soothing me and trying to keep me still- even my mommy in a different state. my old office however would drag children away from their parents kicking and screaming. i have a filling this week. i want my mommy but she’s far away.

I've been to probably 20+ well woman exams, with 6 or so different doctors, and never been a question about my being present. It's the woman's exam, if woman is ok with it, doctors, at least in my part of U.S., don't say a thing

I have a crippling dental phobia. my caregiver lives in a different state and is unable to travel to accompany me. …..

@dentfetteeth How can you have a caregiver that lives in a different state and can’t travel to care for you? Does she simply support you verbally via FaceTime or Zoom for other issues as well?

We visit occasionally. she just can’t come down for my filling due to it being a last minute emergency and we lack the funds as we need to pay out of pocket for my sedation

I’m super thankful that my husband has been allowed to accompany me for most appointments again since early last year I’d say! We have the same primary care and have a fantastic relationship with him, so he’s always thrilled to see both of us in the room whether it’s just one of us needing an exam or not. 😄 I have an anxiety disorder and it’s honestly super helpful to have someone to talk to and distract me while we’re waiting - since it helps keep my anxiety levels down, haha.

We have the same primary care and have a fantastic relationship with him, so he’s always thrilled to see both of us in the room whether it’s just one of us needing an exam or not.

@Mumford my sub and I have the same PCP as well. My last 6 month check up became more about him than me. As his health issues are my biggest stress creator, that affects my health and well being.

@Shygirl17 and I have never had that happen at any other doctor visit. The main reason we are there is to help each other. We both take our health very serious and are skeptical with doctors. We have seen traditional and holistic doctors and had bad experiences with both. Our friend, who is a surgical tech went with me years ago to see two different neurosurgeon for a herniated cervical disc. Both wanted to do surgery right away. She said they were both full of crap. Saw a chiropractor and Sports Medicine doctor who both agreed. They said it was about the money. Twenty years and 5000 workouts later and my neck is fine.

They also try to push different shots. Funny story. The lady who gave Ria the gyno exam first met us to give us monoclonal antibiotics when the covid thing was there. She actually told us don't take the vax. She said It will not help at all. She explained it's all about money. This was in our home. Later we go to the office where she works and she asks if we want the vax and flu shot. I gave her a funny look and she whispered she has less control at this office, since she works for them.

We had a bad experience going to a holistic doctor. The goof made a mistake of always wanting to leave the door open, so the other patients could hear his big mouth. His famous line was from a 1 to 10 your liver is 0 and he would laugh like a dork. When we kept hearing it, that made us realize he was just trying to get money. Ria got sick from taking his herbs because the idiot didn't know how to dose it correctly. We went to another holistic doctor, who was great and cured her of the problem. It was SIBO. He knew his stuff. It helped that we were both in the room because one of us had to take notes.

I can tell many more stories of bad experiences. Luckily the doctors we have currently are wonderful. Chiropractor, dentist, and dermatologist. Also my urologist is wonderful. He took out kidney stones on both sides. We could tell he really cares. Have a sleep apnea doctor, who is great too.

Neither of my difficult iud insertions was my husband allowed in until it was over. I’m never going to forget how painful they were and how traumatic. Instead a nurse hovered down by the dr saying things like it will feel like cramps or a pinch. Both damnable lies. So it was acceptable for me to writhe around in horrible pain, crying and cursing and begging for it to end soon when I could have had my husband there to hold my hand. I know a lot of people breeze through those. My first one took 10 minutes and my second took 20. So why was he only allowed in when I was by myself and it was over.