Is this a normal experience?

I had my first ever examination by a local fet doctor in my area. It did not go so well.

So the doc booked a room and we met up. He tried to make conversation but I wasn’t there to really make conversation just for my exam. We had discussed in detail different procedures and how it would work. It started off ok with a exam of the penis and scrotum etc Then he asked me to turn on my side for a rectal exam which was fine as well Then all of a sudden without any notice I feel an immense amount of pressure on my asshole and I found out he “started prostate stimulation” by trying to insert a large curved ball dildo into my anus. Without notice or explanation of what was occurring At that point I kind of freaked out put my clothes on and left I feel really bad but it was a complete turn off. He did not apologize or anything. He just said “I guess this isn’t for you”. I feel really bad because he took time to get the room and I practically just walked out. Do you think I reacted poorly? He did explain prior that I was his first male patient and he knew I was nervous and that it was my first experience. I was already nervous and in my head but that sent me over and I freaked out and left.

Any thoughts?

I wish he was my Doctor....

Any thoughts?

Many.

For starters - did you communicate before this event? Did you just agree to meet up? For ... what? an 'Exam'? What does that mean? (obviously, not what you think it does - since in modern context, an exam doesn't even involve removal of clothing, most of the time). Given that - did you have boundaries? (clearly you did). Did you communicate those up front (probably not). Is any of this your fault? ....uh...who cares?

Here's the thing. I have been doing this for... erm... some time. First thing I learned, is we don't talk about fight c...oh wait no, sorry. First thing I learned is we have to have some level of personal responsibility. At the end of the day, nobody is gonna take care of ... YOU.

The first part of that is communication. You need to know what you want. And maybe more importantly, what you .... don't want.

Now that's totally - a moving target. Tonight you might want to scream in pain, tomorrow you want cuddles. You know what's cool about that? Communication. It's a thing. And it makes EVERYTHING on this end of stuff work. As long as you COMMUNICATE your needs/wants - well buddy, you're good.

Dom/me's - yeah, I'm lookin at y'all with that funky word. Y'all think you are so top-end? nope. Being on top means so much higher to fall.

You're accepting the trust of your "sub". Don't accept that lightly. They came to you. They belong to you. They are here for you. And YOU owe them all of that. YOU are accepting the responsibility of understanding THEIR needs. Not yours, theirs. Plan accordingly

So @SubBoy01 - I'm sorry. You were let down. There are amazing players here who can and will respect your limits, who will give you what you want, in the WAY you want. Yet; when you play again; be sure to communicate to your playmate your needs, so they can, in time, meet them.

If you did not discuss this procedure before the exam, it should not have happened. You did not consent and he did not give you the opportunity to consent. He is in the wrong. You did not react poorly and your feelings are valid.

he knew I was nervous and that it was my first experience. I was already nervous and in my head but that sent me over and I freaked out and left.

Any thoughts?

Being nervous a first time and even subsequent times is normal and for me, is one of the reasons why play exams are not really fun to experience. Because you have to set a time ahead of time for an appointment and it just isn't possible to mentally prepare yourself for such an experience. I think the desire has to occur spontaneously Otherwise anything can be a turn-off and cause you to loose interest.

Your experience was obviously more unsettling than usual when a first-time play exam turns out to be less than the fun you imagined it to be.

I once booked a play exam and about 5 minutes into the hour-long exam, I had a strong urge to also just say thank-you and leave. Not because of anything the lady doc did wrong, but because the timing wasn't right, I felt no arousal or fun at what was happening. Had I been more nervous I too might have found one aspect or another so disagreeable as to leave.

I also surmise that your doc didn't realize the limits of what you could accommodate anally. He might have been used to having patients take such an object with little trouble.

Yes, we did discuss in depth everything that would occur and when we finally met up, it was the complete opposite.

Yes, we did discuss in depth everything that would occur and when we finally met up, it was the complete opposite.

my "thoughts."

i don't think you "reacted poorly," or that you should feel badly for "freaking out." i think your feeling badly is your sub nature coming through. i think the desire to please and feeling badly if one disappoints is a pretty common sub response. If this person did "the complete opposite" of what was priorly discussed, they violated your trust.

i'm a healthcare professional (critical care nurse) and have done/do thousands of exams/assessments. Part of any and all assessment is assessing if the patient is ready for_____________. Simply put, a pro should never push something into your body without explaining what and why they are doing it and asking permission. A big part of my exam is asking questions, and i always start by asking if it's okay. Establishing and maintaining rapport is part of the exam/assessment. This is all in a hospital setting in my case, since i'm a bedside nurse, but i walk in, introduce myself as their nurse and often incorporate a little humor: "Hi, i'm _________, and i'll be caring for you as your nurse today, _________ will be my assistant (CNA)," as i point to a board with that info written on it. The board also has their name on it and i ask if it's okay to call them by that name. i continue: "i'm here to ask you questions, examine you and give you medications, is that okay with you?" That question varies depending on the patient, but has all the same info. Sometimes i say: "i'm here to ask you some stupid questions," or instead of saying "give you medications" i say "i'm here to drug you." Again, it depends on the patient, but laughter establishes a connection, sets many at ease makes them smile or laugh. i'm often not the first to examine them during their hospital stay. T

The first questions are typically to check if they are "alert and oriented." "Please tell me where you are? etc..

After 4 questions to determine their A&O status, my next is "when did you last have a bowel movement?" with related follow-up questions. You can see, i'm a perfect stranger diving into what are intimate and awkward questions for some. They're in a gown and otherwise naked and feeling vulnerable. As i go through the exam, there's a lot of touching, prodding, etc.. Each thing i do, whether checking pulses, 2-12 neuro checks, heart, lung, abdomen auscultation, etc., is proceeded by an explanation and asking permission for each.

If i have to give an enema or suppository, for example, that definitely involves explanation and emotional prep before it happens, more care than other things like taking pulses because it's much more intimate, intrusive.

That said, a fet exam is different. There really is no SOP for fetish exams, so it's up to you and the examiner to discuss ahead of time what form it will take, establish details, boundaries, etc.. This person didn't do that with you. i cannot say if it was ignorance on their part, it may have been since you were their first 'male patient,' but they clearly (to me) were ignorant of, or simply ignoring, what/how a med professional would proceed.

@SubBoy01 I'm sorry that you had a bad experience. I have met with people who either think that pushing boundaries is part of the fun, or they genuinely don't remember what they agreed to do. Sometimes it's just not a good personality match. In any case, leaving is the right thing to do.

If you are ever in the Buffalo/Niagara Falls area, I would be happy to examine you and respect your limits.

@SubBoy01

My first (and so far only) playexam experience was a letdown too. But it wasn't anything like yours. It was just sort of boring and I felt listless and removed from the whole thing.

I don't think you reacted poorly. I had the same inclination to leave and call the exam off, but not from any roughness or anything improperly done, It was just the wrong time. And for you I suppose the wrong kind of playdoc.

If there had been no consent given to shove a large dildo in your ass then, no, you didn't over-react.

Consent is item number one. If you try again, make sure you have a very explicit conversation with your play doc. Find out exactly what toys he's planning on using and what procedures he's doing.

"I guess this isn't for you" is a bullshit gaslighting piece of poo statement. You didn't consent.

I think it should have been discussed before and during the exam. I always make sure the patient knows what I am going to do and make sure it is okay with them before proceeding.

Sorry that happened. Hope you don’t let one bad experience stop you from exploring your kink/fantasies. I totally understand… Out of all the exams I’ve given I had one bad experience and it sure made me question whether or not I wanted to continue seeing patients. It was his first exam and first experience with another man. He was soo paranoid and started to freak out. I’ve given a lot of exams, and that is the one and only truly bad experience I’ve had but it sure made me question whether or not I wanted to continue giving exams. That was a lot of years ago and I’m glad I didn’t let one negative experience hold me back from seeing patients. I’m glad you recognized your limits and decided to end the exam. It’s going to take some courage, but I hope you find it within yourself to give it another try. The only advice I would give you is to be sure to have good communication before, during and even after your exam. Best of luck, my friend.

In this fetish you basically contract your fantasies out, and anyone role-playing with you is there to give you a version of what you want. Maybe this isn't for HIM as he obviously didn't tespect your needs and limits.

Some people cross into medical from other fetishes such as SM and don't really get it. They come with a whole baggage of sub - dom ideas from their fetish.

Also, there's a whole "queer theory" nonsense about the roll of a sub / bottom that's best ignored. As a vanilla top I've had men ask me to fuck them when it was clear they couldn't really enjoy it, and had their notions of sex shaped by porn. One of them, who I met a number of times even boasted he was getting better at being fucked, and when I told him he didn't need to get better at it if he wasn't enjoying it - was really surprised. When asked what he actually enjoyed it turned out he wanted to muscle worship me, but thought the price for that was getting fucked. I blame bad sex education, porn, and the lack of mutual or self respect.

In sex and fetish:

No one owes you anything.

You don't owe anyone anything.

If there's mutual attraction or willingness - everything is subject to negotiation and what each of you is willing to do or have done.

@draft_examinee don’t even get me started on the BDSM ‘community’. I dipped my toes in. There are a lot of rapists pretending to be Doms out there, I can only imagine what it must be like in the queer community. Being a sub/bottom doesn’t mean you have to do anything at all you don’t consent to, and if the top tries to make you, you’re being sexually assaulted.

Be aware of what you’re going to do with your top. In detail BEFORE you do it. Stop play if he or she deviates. If they won’t stop, they’re assaulting you and treat them accordingly

@draft_examinee don’t even get me started on the BDSM ‘community’. I dipped my toes in. There are a lot of rapists pretending to be Doms out there, I can only imagine what it must be like in the queer community...

@Nurse_Phillips : I find you can usually tell if someone has a fixation on something that isn't my cup of tea.

I have straight female friends who think a one night stand is the hight of promiscuity. Compared to a gay dark room it's monogamy. The gay scene usually has mutual respect because role is not always clear and always subject to negotiation. You don't know what the guy across the room wants in the way you can assume the role of a straight man or woman. Another difference is that while women are usually weaker and smaller than men on average - in a same sex situation it's luck of the draw, but in many cases it evens out. At my gym peak I could bench press 300 LBS so the balance is usually on my side, good luck trying anything I don't like. I've always had respect from my "Docs" and I hope everyone else has respect and the confidence to demand it.

Re the word Top - it's a gay vanilla sex term for the guy doing the funking or getting sucked off. It doesn't really apply to roleplay / medical / SM. When I'm asked how I'm a vanilla top / medfet patient- I say it's like being sucked off, ie about being pleasured.

@draft_examinee in the general BDSM community a top is usually the person taking the active role in the scene. Doms are usually tops but not all tops are Doms so I used Top to denote the person taking the doctor role or the generally active one.

@draft_examinee This person failed on so many levels, consent, talking you through the exam, etc. He was neither a top or a Dom, sounds more like a wannabe of sorts. I have to disagree with @Nurse_Phillips, their is a distinct difference between Doms and tops, tops go through the mechanics of doing things, they don't posses any dominance. Doms can play the top role but that is not who they are, they have a dominant personality, not domineering, big difference and I could write an article on it all. What happened to @draft_examinee is sexual assault and battery besides breaking so many rules in the BDSM community.

I have to disagree with @Nurse_Phillips, their is a distinct difference between Doms and tops, tops go through the mechanics of doing things, they don't posses any dominance. Doms can play the top role but that is not who they are, they have a dominant personality, not domineering, big difference.

I thought that’s what I said

I thought that’s what I said

You did!

@SubBoy01 this is not a normal experience, but sadly it does happen. You were very unlucky to have such an experience in your first exam. I have a couple of thoughts.

You had discussed the exam beforehand and agreed about what was going to happen. He didn't respect that agreement and didn't even ask to extend that agreement. My guess is that he was prioritising his own pleasure by doing what he wanted to do without caring about what you want. As doc, he should be thinking about how you feel and he failed to do that. His reaction afterwards proves it. You did the right thing by leaving if you stopped feeling safe in his hands.

One thing I always like to do before an exam as doc and as patient is to talk a bit with the other guy, have a cup of coffee. It doesn't have to be on the same day of the exam, it can be some time in advance. I find that even a tiny bit of a personal connection makes the experience better, as it can help establish communication and trust. It let's me reassure the other that I care about his safety and pleasure and also let's me gauge if they do too.

I've had many, many exams as doc and as patient and only once did I have an experience similar to yours, when a doc kept insisting that I let him something I had told him I didn't want and wasn't comfortable with. After the exam, I never spoke with him again.

I hope you will have better luck next time and find someone who cares about how you feel during the exam. As play doc, I find that to be one of the most fulfilling aspects of an exam and I'm sure many play docs feel the same way.

I'm sorry @SubBoy01 had that experience. I agree with everyone here who says it's wrong to do things to a patient not agreed in advance.

We all have different ways of checking out limits. I chat with a partner before and at a meeting before beginning. But that doesn't work for everyone. For example, some people prefer a prison-type exam approach so don't want chat. So I think everything can be agreed beforehand etc. some how else.

People doing Medfet should be safe, respected and enjoy themselves.

@draft_examinee This person failed on so many levels, consent,

The guy who started the thread is @SubBoy01

I'm just offering my take from a "patient" perspective.

I'm sorry @SubBoy01 had that experience...

For example, some people prefer a prison-type exam approach so don't want chat. So I think everything can be agreed beforehand etc. some how else.

@Cefn : In that case it's best to ask them about their "prison" - what film / series / porn influence / information about the real thing they have. That should get you on the same wavelength as them, even if they aren't talkative.

Personally I chose draft physicals over prison ones as my scenario because it's a question of whether the patient is good or bad.