I once had a female coworker who was scheduled for a lower GI test. As it happened we were driving upstate on a work assignment before daylight.
As I drove through the darkness, she started telling me that she was going to have the test and was wondering what it involved.
I asked if she wanted me to explain the test. She said, yes. So I took advantage of the darkness and my love of giving beautiful women enemas.
I used kind words but I was pretty graphic in my description of the medical test ahead of her.
I started by asking her if she knew what an enema was. When she said, “sort of,” I asked if she had ever had one.
She said when she was very young her mother gave her something in her bootie but she didn’t remember much about it.
So I told her this particular test involved having a barium enema before X-rays that would be taken of her lower gastrointestinal track to see if there was any abnormalities or blockages that could be causing problems.
Then she asked about the barium enema. This was my opening (no pun intended). I told her that she would be given a series of cleansing enemas before the test and that the procedure might vary depending on the procedures her doctor prescribed.
She asked what I meant by varying procedures. I explained that there were several ways of giving enemas, and her doctor and nurses could give each enema the same way by having her simply lying on her left side with her right leg flexed, which would give the nurse easy access to her anus and rectum.
She said, “Ok but what if it’s different?”
I told her in that case, they would have her assume different positions for each enema.
In an alarmed tone in the darkness she said, “Each enema! How many do they give you?”
I explained that in the situations I had knowledge of, the patient usually received six enemas in different positions.
When she asked what positions, I went into great detail about left side, on her back with her legs raised back to expose her anus and, of course, on her knees with her breasts and shoulders on the bed.
She asked, “You mean like the doggie sex position?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle and tell her, “exactly.”She said, “Oh my gosh, that will be so embarrassing.”
Then I told her the equipment they would use could vary too depending on the usual procedures her doctor prescribed. Next came her question about what did I mean by different equipment.
I got to tell her what I knew first hand and what other people had told me about their experiences. I told her about various types of enema equipment, bags, bulbs, nozzles or speculum, quantity of liquid, types of mixtures.
She asked several questions about the equipment she might experience and I took great joy in explaining colon tubes and the insertion process.
As I talked, her voice went for normal volume to quiet. I figured she was having a physical reaction from my descriptions.
Then I got to the positioning she would be asked to assume and the size nozzle used for the barium enema itself. She listened in silence as the light of the break of day was making her face visible to me.
Finally, we got to the X-rays and I described the positions I knew about. I could tell she was pretty grossed out, but to put her mind at ease a little, I told her there was an upside to the whole experience.
She asked, “Pray tell what that would be.”
I chuckled once more and told her that I would let her tell me about that after her test.