I have posted this before on another thread, but since the subject is up again, here it is again
Self-Talk During an Enema:
Since I almost always self-administer I don't say much. Sometimes I will whisper or just above a whisper, no one in ear shot so it’s self-talk. If I do say anything it's just thinking aloud, so most of this goes unspoken.
I always think for a second before I swallow the bisacodyl tablets, “Am I 101% sure I want to do this and am I well prepped? Did I miss any of the prep steps?" This is the commit point. Did I cheat? If so, how bad?
Once these little yellow bowel bombs go in my mouth, there is NO chickening out! So, if you’re going to chicken out do it now! Then I swallow the pills, I can never chicken out that late.
Do I need 4, 6, or 8?
I’m doing a bisacodyl pre-enema, better go with 6.
This is the last moment, am I ready to complete the full cleanse? I AM!
Here I go! In my mouth, water, swallow. Drink some more water. Done!!
Now I’m taking an enema no matter what else happens!
Sterile from here on. Between now and clear return, I don’t think/talk about anything other than the enema and getting to clear return
Did I shake up the jug of soapsuds last night before bed?
I shake them up then, whether I did or not.
Do I have absolute privacy???????????????
No: I resolve whatever the security issue is.
Yes: Go ahead with the enema!
Are my shoes safely out of the way?
When I need to run to the toilet, the last thing I need is to trip over them! Any other trip hazards between the bed and the toilet? Answer needs to be No!
Is the bed ready? Beach Towel Yes! Higher pillow where my knees will be? Check! Lower pillow where my shoulders will be? Check!
Bite rag where I can reach it? Check!
I go in the closet, where my enema gear is stored. Open the drawer and start looking thinking:
Do I want the 3-qt bag? Yes!
Which Nozzle?? I’ll use the beige flex this time!
I carry the bag and hose across the bedroom into the bathroom
I then go back, and get 2 of the soap water jugs and shake both up
I go back to the closet and get the Epsom Salts and Measuring cup and take that to the bathroom.
I shake the soapsuds again just to be sure.
“Do I want the table salt this time?”
“I think I better.”
The Glycerin? No not this time!
Then I get the nozzle, a tube of Generic Wal-Mart brand KY Jelly and take them to the nightstand, “I hope I don’t need that lube.” I get the 4-qt bag and set it on the small brass stand just outside the bathroom. “I sure hope I don’t have to use the 4-qt bag today. That thing ALWAYS hurts!” Then it’s back into the bedroom and on the scale, this can be a “Holy Shit!” Moment if there is one this enema. Not used to seeing myself in the mirror without my “going to work” girdle.
Sip of water.
I calculate the amount of Epsom Salts I need, tell myself to stop whining about how tight the girdles I wear to work is until I lose some weight.
I measure out the Epsom Salts, l get the air out of the hose, usually by putting one end in a stadium cup of water, sucking on the other end and when I feel water in my mouth then close the valve. I tell myself, “Careful, don’t swallow any of that water!” I spit that water into the sink.
Then I pour some of the soapy water in the bag. “Does that look like a quart and a half ?" Not yet. A little more, there it is, Half a bag!
Then I pour the Epsom Salts in the bag. I can’t help but think about how purging that stuff is and what it will do to me!! I can’t spend too long thinking about it. I get the measuring spoon out and add the table salt. I’ve done the oral bisacodyl, that takes 3-4 hours on a really empty stomach so I’m on the clock. I only have a couple of hours, I know I shouldn’t get distracted, but I always think of the time I was retaining the third round and the bisacodyl kicked in !, I was using a flared 3-in rigid nozzle, and it was enough of a plug that I WAS able to make it through the 15-minute retention but it was quite hard! I always think about using that same nozzle. If I’m feeling ANYTHING in my lower abdomen at all I do make the switch, In a normal situation I don’t
Then I add the hot water from the tap, when it gets to the top I move the bag up and down a few times and try to put the hose on while it’s at the bottom of that up-down cycle and attach the hose. “Is it on really good?”
YES!
"Is the hot and the cold water mixed well, does the bag feel even temperature?"
“Is that temp too warm, cold or about right?
“A little on the hot side, but not TOO hot! I’m not ready to start yet, but this bag has a ribbed design like cooling fins almost so it WILL cool so it’s OK!”
Sip some water.
I carry the bag into the bedroom and place it on its side, on the bed.
"OK. Get these clothes off!"
"Should I leave the bra on or not?"
“This one is comfortable and does not restrict my breathing. Might as well leave it!
“Should I wear the night gown, bath robe or the dorm shirt?” “Bath robe!! Wait, did I wash it?”
"I did" I put the bath robe on.
"I'm on the clock. How long since the oral bisacodyl?" OK, so the bisacodyl should not be upsetting anything yet but should have thoroughly killed my appetite. Has it? Yes!
"Time to go pee!" When I finish peeing, I also make sure the toilet is lid up, seat down, and that there is plenty of toilet paper.
“Is the trashcan next to the toilet, and empty?” Unlikely that I’ll vomit, but if I do it will most likely be between expulsions of the first enema, so I need to have the trashcan ready.
I fill a stadium cup with water and put it where I can reach it from the toilet.
Sip some water.
If I’m using the bisacodyl suppository, then the sequence is:
Walk back into the bedroom
“Is the bisacodyl suppository unwrapped, and on a washcloth? Check!”
"Time to get that bisacodyl suppository inside me! YUUUCK!!
“OK, Lisa just make it as quick as possible, I know you hate this part. Just kneel in front of the bed, bend over till your head is on the mattress. Spread your knees. Do it NOW! Now touch it to your rosebud and push it in with your finger! Push it past the sphincter muscle. TRY to go a little sideways and just live with it!”
“UUGH, just get it in!” ARRRG!
"Is it up high enough that it can’t slip out?" “YES!!”
“Can I get it a little higher? Forget it, EWWW my finger is OUT! It’s staying out!”
Stand up. “Can I feel the suppository? NO! OK that’s good enough!”
“OK, Lisa you are through the part you hate!”
“Ahhhh!!!” “OK Lisa just breathe! The pre-enema is done. The worst part is over, and I’ve done it again! Now it’s time to let it melt. Do I need to clean off my finger? YES!” I go into the bathroom and do that.
If I’m using the bisacodyl in the form of a mini-enema, the sequence is:
“Time to unwrap the bisacodyl mini enema.” It’s going in ME so I’m the only person that should break the seal on the box. As I unwrap it, I make sure to get all that plastic back in the box. I set it beside but not on the washcloth and stash the box out of the way but not out of reach.
At this point I hang the bag. Being 5ft 11 I can hang the 3-qt bag easily without a stepstool. 2-US QT, not really, 2 Imp QT Usually!
“OK. Time to hang the bag. Here goes! Is it on the hook good?” I pull on it just a little to be sure. “Yes, it’s hung right”
I pick up the nozzle and push it into the hose. “Is it on the really good? Do I need a rubber band to make sure it doesn’t come off? Not this time!”
“Is the hose where I can reach it without having to break knee-chest position?” If it is, I move it to where I can reach it while in position.
If it’s the bisacodyl Suppository, it’s "How many minutes since the suppository?"
“That was quick! I don’t have to do that if it’s the mini enema.
Make sure I have an unobstructed view of the digital clock from where my head will be.
"Damn, already time to get into position!"
I get up onto the bed in a kneeling position.
I lean forward, to make a knee-chest position.
"Are both knees on the pillow? Are they the right distance apart?" “Yes.”
"Is the other pillow under my breasts?" Shoulders and head should be on the mattress, but weight should NEVER be on the head. A little tricky when you have large breasts and basically no neck! Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to get it right
“Do I STILL want to leave the bra on? Lisa, stop questioning yourself!!!””
The bra helps me feel right away if I am putting weight on the breasts, rather than the shoulders. That’s why I normally wear it when using Knee-chest.
"Is my weight on the chest and shoulders, not on the head or neck?"
"Is my bite rag where I can get to it fast? It is now!!!"
“Am I getting tense? Yes, a little, let me take a minute here and settle down.”
“Is my view of the clock unobstructed?” If not I make it so.
“Relax. Breathe normally, Relax. Everything is fine. No ‘what ifs.”
If I’m doing the bisacodyl mini enema, I shake it up well, insert it into my rectum, and squeeze it up as much as possible. I take it like a Fleet enema. Just try to get as much in as possible. I quickly remove it, put the cap back on and put it back in the box.
Now pause a moment, let that bisacodyl propagate at least over 5 minutes. It DOES increase the intensity of that first expulsion.
Remember, no thoughts about anything not related to the cleanse right now.
“How long is it in?”
"Where's the goddamn hose? There it is! Got it!”
"Now I need to relax!! No excuses!”
“OK Relax as much as I can in that position.”
Relax. Imagine floating in air, breathe, breathe, breathe, Relax, Relax!
“Am I getting some nervousness from the anticipation? I AM!”
“Am I getting ANY sexual Arousal at all??”
“Maybe just a little. It’s controllable! I have to get control of myself right NOW!!”
“OK Lisa, for right now there is nothing sexual about this! That might happen later. More likely not! Stay in the moment!! Don’t think about any sexual aspect right now. Keep the focus!”
Relax! Relax RRREEEEEELLLLLAAAAAAAXXXX! UHHHHHHHHH! RRREEEELLLLLAAAAAXXXX!
“Girl, just let your body go limp, as much as possible without getting out of position. Do it NOW! BREATHE!! AGAIN!! And Again!”
“OK, am I fully relaxed now?” Yes, finally!”
“Am I inside my own head again? Not this time!”
“Good!”
“NOW, I‘m ready to start!!
I hold the nozzle by the place it meets the hose. I Hold it straight up. I look at it ONCE. “That’s the part of all of this that equipment actually goes inside my body. There I go again! The big red bag above my bed holds the fluid that blows out my bowels! NOW LISA, stay the hell OUT of your own head, you’ve done this so many times you KNOW you can do it!!”
AGAIN! DEEP BREATH! AGAIN! No more stalling, it’s got to go in NOW! II touch it to my rosebud and tilt it so it points at my navel
"Is my butthole relaxed?" No, it feels a little tense. “Now Lisa, let yourself relax!!! It’s part of acceptance. No one else needs to know that I am about to lose my shit!!”
Do I feel the nozzle in the right place?" Is it pointed towards the belly button?" I sometimes put the other hand on my belly button to make sure.
"This part ALWAYS feels weird. Never hurts, not once, but always feels weird."
I always breathe a little deeper than resting. I push it in.
There is always that little sound like a hard swallow, not really a gasp, but sort of a slight gulp. My whole body reacts as the nozzle goes in. The whole rest of the body senses that the digestive tract is about to be upset, and that always makes everything else feel bad.
“OK it’s in!!!”
There is always that little reaction from the stomach, as though it’s saying. “Oh no not again!”
“Now double check and make sure it's all the way in!!!”
“Is it pointed right at my belly button? Am I sure?” I put my other hand on my navel to get the feel. “It is now!”
“Where’s the valve?" “Right THERE!”
“Make sure I can open it with just the thumb.”
What time is it?"
"So, 3 minutes flowing, then 15 retained, I'll be running at_____!
“Am I ready to fully accept that I will lose control? YES! Lisa, QUIT STALLING!!”
"Try hard to breathe as deep as I can!”
“Again!” “Again!”
Do I need another one? NO! OK Then Breathe in, can I get a little more air in my lungs? NO!"
"Open the valve, breathe out and then let the enema tell me how to breathe!!” (Click) Here I go!!!
"OK, give it a few seconds!"
"Whoooo! Damn here it comes! Don't fight it now, just relax and let it run! Let it run! OK, this time it's not hurting, so a good start! You can keep it from hurting by not resisting at all. Relax and it won’t hurt much at all."
“Damn, I just felt my rectum convulse! OW, OW OW-OOW!! THAT HURTS! UUUUUGGGGGHHHHH! Just let it flow!!! You won’t explode! It just feels like you will right now!! AHHHHHY You’re doing fine! It’s OK! No different than last time!”
Then I close my eyes for a moment and just let myself bloat up.
When I don’t feel anything running any more, I count to five and then look up at the bag. “Is the bag flat?” “NO!” “Stay relaxed I’m doing good.”
"How many minutes? Oh shit, not even two!!!" OK- it went to 2 minutes as I was looking at it. Damn, I need that bite rag!" (Eyes usually closed at this point, I might sort of squeeze the bite rag, but not in the mouth yet) “I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!!”
(Eyes now open!)"Three minutes!" (I look up at the bag) "Just a little more!" (Look away) "Is it flat now?" (Look again) YES YES!!”
"Great! I'm there! Make sure! OK it’s completely flat! YES! Ya did it grrrrrl!" I close the valve, but leave the nozzle in.
"Here comes a wave!" This one I can just clench up, not that bad!" Not bad right now, a little bloated!"
"UUUUHH, UUUUUHH, UUUUHHHHHH"
There! That’s the first real wave. I’m getting the bloating, but Right now I can make hold time. “Just don’t leak!”
“How Long? 4 minutes, Damn!!”
“Here it comes again! EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE!”
“Just clench up! Don’t leak! Don’t leak! Pleeese don’t leak!! UUUUUHH! Don’t leak”
“Made it through THAT one!!!”
“That one has settled down. Now between waves do I feel like I have to go? Not YET!”
“How Long? 5 minutes! This is the part that always feels like FOREVER!!”
“Not yet! DAMN!! UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!! UUUUUGGGGGHHH!”
“OH-OH-OH-OH!! AHHHH! I just got through another wave!” “Breathing is elevated.”
“No headache, or light-headedness, YET!” How many minutes? 7! I’m halfway through!!
“I KNOW I CAN DO IT NOW!!”
WOW, WHOA! WHOA! HAAA HAAA!!
“Girl, think of how good that clear return will feel!”
“Here it comes again! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH UGGGGG!”
By now I'm telling myself to deep breathe, and maybe twisting the bite rag. Then, clenching up. Even with the nozzle still in, not cutting it and I need to start the deep breathing!
BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT-IN-OUT-IN-OUT-IN-OUT-IN-OUT!
“C’MON GURRL, YOU KNOW YOU CAN MAKE IT!!!”
"UUUUHHH! Why do I do this??" I must be a masochist!!
Deep breath, then another then another. And another. Clench up! Bite rag!!!
Squeeze the bite rag!! Bite rag!! Bite down! CLENCH!!!
"How long? 9 minutes!”
Every enema is different but usually by this time I AM biting down on the bite rag.
"UUUUUHH, UUUUHH, UUUUHH!"
"Am I gonna make it? “Damnit GRRRL you WILL make it!!! You fasted since noon yesterday and took twice the label dose of oral bisacodyl for this, YOU-WILL-NOT fuck it up NOW!! You've come too far to have to do it over!'
Yeah! I'll make 15, but no more!!"
“You DON’T have to make it more! Just get there, whatever it takes!”
"How much time left? 5 minutes! I'm in the home stretch!!!! I'm gonna make it, but it won't be fun!" UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!
The last 5 minutes are the hardest!!!
“OH, OH, OH, OH! Almost lost it!!” Breathe-Breathe-Breathe!! UUUUUGGGGG!
"4 minutes! These are always the hardest, but I DID carry twins to within 3 weeks of full term!! Not like I’m weak!!”
"Two minutes!! Deep breathing has stopped working! I'm getting a little leakage around the nozzle! Just clench up, bite down and hang on!!! It'll be OK!!!
“It’s NOW! 15 minutes is HERE NOW!!! Get up, grab the bag and get to the toilet NOW!!!"
(On way to toilet) Just keep the hose high enough that it can’t get tangled in my feet. “Is the nozzle moving?? Not this time!”
(Over the toilet) Quick get the nozzle out before it comes out anyway! Got it!
“Here it goes!!! I’m feeling some chunks! One of them felt big and really hard I’m glad I took this enema when I did. I NEEDED this one!!! It’s just like a girdle. The harder it is to take, the more you need it!”
“I feel like I want to keep going and my stomach is churning! Nothing coming out. Do I need the dishpan? NO!! I’m stronger than that!!!”
“Here comes the second expulsion!”
“Seems to still have a few solid pieces!”
Flush the toilet.
“I can still hear and feel churning farther up. I feel just a little nausea! No danger of throwing up!”
After a couple of minutes, and some gurgling sounds in my tummy
“Here comes some more! And more churning higher up!! The Epsom Salts is doing its job well. Feels like all liquid this time!”
“I still feel like I have to poop. Is any more coming for now? NO! Wait, wait wait! Here comes some more”
After 15 minutes or so, I'm thinking about how long until the oral bisacodyl kicks in!
“Here comes some more!”
This one was mostly just burbling and gas, so that means it IS the end of round 1.
“Is that the end, of the first round, is it fully expelled?” (Flush the toilet)
I still hear and feel rumbling so likely not! Drink a sip of water! One more!”
“Here comes another expulsion!! I think! A little more? Yeah, and some gas!”
“No more? I don’t feel anything coming. I DO still feel like I have to poop, but that’s likely the effect of the Epsom Salt!”
“THIS round is over”. Sip of water.
“At least I can clean off, get up and start mixing the next round!!
“With any luck at all the 3rd round hopefully will give me a clear return!
Round two is often the hardest, because the body is still in poop mode. The Epsom Salts is in full effect and the bisacodyl is possibly minutes away from its inevitable kick in.
“I have to put all of that out of my mind now and get the second round ready.”
I unscrew the hose from the bag, then I look. Do I have a quart and a half in this jug? Probably not” I shake up the second jug.
“Pour the second jug into the bag it’s a bigger jug again does the bag look half full? Yes!”
“The soap is almost like syrup!! Great! Hopefully that will increase effectiveness!! Let the water run hot, There, that’s good and hot.”
I fill the bag up till it is just a little above the lip. Then I pull the bag up fast and put the hose in. Then tighten it. Then I hold the hose and nozzle in one hand, and the hook on the back of the bag in the other hand. I set it on the easy chair for a moment and I sit on the bench at the end of the bed.
“How do I feel? A little ‘wrung out’ but not too bad.” I go over and just lie on the bed flat on my back for a few minutes, and when I feel ready to go, I get up, hang the bag, stoke the dog, go wash my hands and get back into position.
Usually it takes about 20 minutes for things to settle down. However, it takes what it takes, there is no clock on that! Then I get back into position. Again, just take a moment to relax, then I find the nozzle, double check, make sure the positioning is right. Sometimes I get weak and feel compelled to look at it! I’m mostly OK after this long. In High School that could send me off into a fantasy for 5 minutes or more!!!
Same as before. Touch it to my rosebud, point it at my navel, breathe in push and breathe out. Then take a moment to relax. It is usually totally smooth If it’s not, I take a little dab of lube and put it on the tip of the nozzle.
Now with some of the poop out of me, and some of what is still there turned to liquid there is nothing to hold it in place but one muscle, so sometimes I just have to hold it.
Now, it’s just “I hope I can hold it 15 minutes” A couple of deep breaths, and then breathe in as deep as I can, click the valve, breathe out and “Now is it STILL pointed at my belly button?” “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHY, AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHYY AAAAAAAAYYYYHHH! Oh NOOOO! Don’t leak don’t leak!!” I Grit my teeth and clinch up hard! That HURTS! It keeps it in! I will accept 10 minutes, but I can usually get to at least 12 minutes.
When the second round comes out it is usually just one or two expulsions. If there IS a third expulsion, it’s usually from the bisacodyl but more commonly that happens during the expulsion of the third round. Not unusual for the second round to be a lighter shade of brown, almost yellow. It’s better that way!
For the third enema I refill the same bag the same way as before. This time though I usually hang it before lying down on my back. Just to make sure I’m seeing it when I open my eyes. That keeps me focused on the task at hand. By now the bisacodyl has almost always gone to work, when it does, I get a pint or a little more of liquid, usually yellow or gray, but I have seen it brown.
Even if it comes out yellow, (a clear return) I take the third round more-or-less certain there won’t be a fourth round. About half the time there IS a fourth round.
If the third round comes out clear, that’s the end for today. I lie around until I feel pretty good, then get dressed and start cleaning up.
The third round does NOT run clear, then it’s like, “OH-OH-OH I DON’T WANT ANOTHER ENEMA!” I say to myself “Gurrl shut up and finish the job! You KNOW what you need to do! Just get it done!”
I mix another soapsuds enema an go through it again! I tell myself I KNOW it will run clear this time. I need to think positive right at this point.
I get back into position
This time since I KNOW my mucous membrane is washed away, so I get the generic KY and put A LITTLE of it on the nozzle. Thankfully, It goes in easily. I tilt it towards my navel. I think, for a minute, “What if this doesn’t return clear?” I tell myself, “Get that thought out of your head, and focus!” RELAX! Breathe deep!
Here goes! [click] EEEEEEEIIIIIIIEEEE. UH, UH UH, UH UH. It’s flowing easily! I feel really bloated!
Now I feel like I won’t make 5 minutes! [Clench both fists] Bite on the rag. Bag is flat [close the valve] I WILL hold on!
WHEW! Made it through 5 minutes. Feels like I have to go, but not like I’m ready to explode. Now I feel it coming on again! OH NO!! Breathe, breathe, breath
Just hang on!! Keep it in! don’t give up! It isn’t leaking is it??
I’m biting hard on the rag!!
“GODDAMN, did the bisacodyl kick in??” I know that if it did, I’m done! 30mg of that stuff in my large bowel was INTENDED to be unretainable. That’s why I took that much!!
How long? 9 minutes! Need every second I can get now! Feeling a little nausea!
I COULD EXPLODE BEFORE I GET TO THE TOILET!!
Here I go!!
I get onto the toilet, try to relax and let it out. My lower abdomen is visibly convulsing!
All 3 qts seems to come out at once!
Once things settle down, I stand up and look!
Some yellow left in the soap. As I look at the toilet, all I see is white.
Below it is yellow, with no food scraps.
SUCCESS-SUCCESS-SUCCESS!!!
This enema is DONE!
Now I clean up. Stay near the toilet, there is likely a little left.
WHHEEEEWW! A little light-headed, but I feel good!
I usually wait another 30 minutes or so before I get dressed, and go out to interact with my
Family, turn both phones back on and get on with life.
I’ll do it again in 3 to 4 months!!