How far should I go?

Only a couple days ago, I started sort of a dom/sub relationship. It's long distance. He wants to control everything I do: what I wear, what I eat, when I use the restroom, when I'm allowed to climax, etc.. I've been sexually harassed a lot in the last three years, so sometimes I get really upset for no reason when I do anything sexual. In theory, I'm very interested in this kind of relationship, which is why I'm in it of course. However, last night he wanted a lot of pictures and videos, and now he's actually telling me what I can wear, when I can use the restroom (a privilege that can only be earned by sending a full frontal nude photo, which I'm very uncomfortable with), and giving me instructions for the day. I'm freaking out. I'm having anxiety attacks. I don't want to disappoint him. I don't know if he'd be willing to restrict these kinds of things to only certain days or times of day. I need to talk to him. What do I do?!

It's hard to say. Are either of you going to travel to be with each other or are you doing these scene by telephone or video?

He really has no way to control you if you are apart, although the game may be fun for both of you. OBVIOUSLY he can't really control when you go to the bathroom, masturbate, have orgasms, what you wear etc if he isn't in your presence.

DO NOT SEND PICTURES WITH YOUR FACE no matter what he says. Pictures will be on the internet FOREVER. The fact is I wouldn't send him any photos or videos and don't let him make his own even if you meet in person.

If you meet in person you must get his real name, driver license and let a friend know who he is and where you will be so you can make a "safecall" to a well trusted friend. You can have your trusted friend call you too when you are with him.

DO NOT get into any type of restraints with him in person until you know him very well, and even then, start slow with maybe a leg or two restrained, but NOT YOUR ARMS, and even then start with one at a time. Once one or especially both arms are restrained, you are helpless. You should have met a few times before having your arms restrained.

He sounds like he just wants to control someone.

Your not feeling comfortable with his requests says a lot.

Sadists and Killers are out there and you don't want to become a statistic.

Quite honestly, this guy sounds like a real asshole. I would stay away from him.

By the way, how old are you and have you ever had a dom/sub relationship before? I don't want to sound like a mother, but these are things I told my college aged daughters.

Uh oh @Hailey_Jenson but this sounds totally fucked up. Pardon my French.

You say this dom/sub relationship just started, but how long did you know each other before? You need to get to know each other before committing or getting into a relationship. There should be these kinds of discussions of boundries and such before committing.

My first instinct is to not comply if you are not totally comfortable with his demands as a dom. If you are not comfortable now, what else could introduce that you definitly are not comfortable with.

@Hailey_Jenson I totally agree with all replies . Don't send any photo or videos , don't rush into it . Give it some time to know him , play it safe so you don't have to regret anything down the track .

I think you have every right to be concerned or worried by this. A healthy D/s relationship starts with a LOT of communication. What both parties like and dislike. Establishing boundaries. Agreeing to how your particular BDSM relationship will work, how it looks like. Building trust.

It sounds to me like you may not have done this. As a sub, you have the right to be respected and cared for even in the midst of your submission. If you are planning to do this relationship, you need to be up front with this dom about your discomfort and your boundaries. You have them. A good Dom will respect them.

And as has already been said: do not send pictures of yourself nude! A dom who doesn't respect you and your level of comfort with a situation will not respect your privacy in regards to keeping pictures safe from the rest of the world.

@Hailey_Jenson From my perspective this is not a healthy relationship and neither are you seem to to be ready for a relationship of this type. First, I think you should think about seeing a counselor to work through some issues before you decide to commit to exploring BDSM. Secondly, it does not sound like he has any consideration for your desires or limits, a good dominant always respects and listens to the wishes of his/her submissive. Lastly I would strongly recommend quitting this type of relationship with this person, advocate for yourself and get out and explore your local scene, make some real life kinky friends.

Run from this. Not healthy for you. You barely know him. Do not meet him in person and do not send pictures or videos. Block him. Dont talk to him and see a counsler. Bdsm does not have to be like this. It can be sensual and caing with respect on both sides. This guy sounds like bad news

Trust your instincts. I think they're telling you to NOT be in a relationship with this man. Something is most definitely not right.

@Hailey_Jenson, Please, please, please listen to what people have said above! I have been in the active BDSM community for 25+ years and seen many things. I have seen people go down the road you are traveling with this guy and it will not end well for you if you continue. I and others have had to deal with the aftermath when things have gone wrong. There are so many red flags of warning, one should not walk away but run away from him. I don't see the respect to you, your safety, and your well being. If he can't send you proof positive, a house phone #, street address and drivers license that is legible, then he is using you and setting you up for blackmail.

I'm freaking out. I'm having anxiety attacks. I don't want to disappoint him. I don't know if he'd be willing to restrict these kinds of things to only certain days or times of day. I need to talk to him. What do I do?!

If you are so uncomfortable with it that you are freaking out here is a simple way to solve this.

DON'T DO IT! GET OUT OF IT NOW AND NEVER GO BACK.

You have definitely come to the right place to ask for this type of advice . I can tell you , I am friends with several of the people that have responded and they are very wise and respected members of the zity community. Their advice all echo the same sentiments and they are spot on !

No relationship of any kind should make you “ freak out “ that is your instinct telling you something is not right ! We all have that gut instinct and we have it for a reason , listen to it !

There is a huge difference between having anxious butterflies and being scared or aprehensive .

A real dom/sub relationship is not about having total control over another person . It takes time to get to know each other, build trust and lots of discussion about what BOTH parties want to achieve from their partnership . PARTNERSHIP being the key word here . Its a relationship where both people grow , explore and learn from each other. The dominant should ALWAYS have the subs best interest as their priority. Its not a one way street. Altho the sub may not always like what they need to do, it will always be because of set goal made by the two people together. Its their job to help their sub meet those goals.

It sounds to me like you have encountered an asshole that gets his jollies from bossing around a female and expects you to stroke his ego .

No true dom would have such ridiculous expectations and not take your input or feelings into consideration.

Always ask yourself , what would I /we expect from this relationship, what would I get out of it , would both of our needs and wants be met ? Do I feel safe, cared for, nurtured ? Will it make me grow as a person ?

While what you described could be a d/s scene ( and only if you liked it that way) it does not sound at all like a healthy relationship.

Tell him to get f@cked!

@SwitchableSusie said

DO NOT SEND PICTURES WITH YOUR FACE no matter what he says. Pictures will be on the internet FOREVER. The fact is I wouldn't send him any photos or videos and don't let him make his own even if you meet in person.

As well as the rest of her post ... @Hailey_Jenson and all the others here!

And as for your question ...

What do I do?!

You've been told ... so do it, the guy sounds like a married jerk looking for a punching bag.

Disappoint this guy and fast... he sounds and is no good no true Dom would treat a sub the way he wants to treat you.... he’s bad news all the way around...there are much better Doms in the works who will teach and guide you on a D/s life style or relationship

I know that the advice given is probably not what you hoped for but it is correct, please do not give him anything and cease your relationship with him Susie , Master Dorson and the rest are 100% correct!

@toshe63

Run from this. Not healthy for you. You barely know him. Do not meet him in person and do not send pictures or videos. Block him. Dont talk to him and see a counsler. Bdsm does not have to be like this. It can be sensual and caing with respect on both sides. This guy sounds like bad news

Absolutely. Doesn't take much to see this is not a healthy BDSM relationship, or any relationship.

This person is all about themself. Get away!!! It is most likely not worth continuing any kind of connection with this person AT ALL IMHO. All he wants to do is use you, and that is bad. You know what to do, tell him to fuck off.

As a long time sub, I can tell you this doesn’t sound like a healthy situation. Probably some creep that just wants to get off by seeing pictures of you that they will probably post somewhere just to say ‘I posted these.’ If he was legit, there would be a slow introduction phase. Usually it involves setting your limits and having them walk you through what you consider your comfort zone. Domes that I have dealt with typically start me off slow with conversations and what their expectations are of me. What my limits and expectations are. There is room for growth, of course, but still we know what we are getting into. If we don’t or won’t meet those expectations, we are usually done. It sounds like you are not comfortable with his demands and expectations. Cut it off now. You will probably never feel comfortable. Don’t go outside your limits and comfort zone. A lot of these people are very good at manipulating people and you may find yourself in a very compromising, maybe even dangerous situation.

I have a neighbor that went through something very similar a couple of years ago, don’t walk away, run as fast as you can. You’re putting your life in danger. If you have given him any contact information, change it, ASAP.

How far should you go? Not one step or moment further.

You should dump this guy immediately, say you're not interested and block him from whatever media you've been using.

This is not a real relationship, it's just a guy wanking off while getting you to do stupid shit and wasting your time.

Put your energy and focus into finding someone who cares about you and will treat you right in real life, not mistreat you from afar.

That treating you right doesn't just mean meals and flowers, it could well mean a spanking, it's whatever you want, but you'll only get that from a real person in real life. The S&M stuff should be the icing on the cake of a proper relationship, not its entirety.

You can find real love, and real sex, by initially meeting people on the internet, but that has to translate itself to real life and be based on something more than some stranger's jerk off fantasy.

Stand up for yourself, you're better than this.

I think we scared her off.

Hailey made her only post in this thread a month ago and has not logged back on since then.

We can only hope that she heard what all the experienced people here said and did the right thing...

Just do nothing and do not respond to this person at all. IGNORE, IGNORE!!!!!!!!!!

I am Dom and no matter what I still feel all things that happen are consensual, safe and of mutual interest. And I am man enough to say I still and will always treat a female with respect and kindness and loving. The world would be a better place if people felt this way all the time.

And remember if you do not feel you should do it, if it feels wrong, your gut says it is not right then that is your answer.

And as others have said once it is on the internet it is there forever!!!!!!!!!!

Click bait? Frankly, I think only an idiot would need to ask that question! Anyone with an IQ above 70 would know the answer: RUN, don't walk, away from that person! Cease all contact! If he's for real, he is dangerous!

Click bait? Frankly, I think only an idiot would need to ask that question! Anyone with an IQ above 70 would know the answer: RUN, don't walk, away from that person! Cease all contact! If he's for real, he is dangerous!

For some reason, many people have been asking questions with extremely obvious answers, most likely to see what the membership will say.

For some reason, many people have been asking questions with extremely obvious answers, most likely to see what the membership will say.

A small number have also been resentful, even downright hostile, when they weren't given the kind of response they wanted.

I think when they find/ discover they are not getting the responses they wanted they leave just as quickly as they came in. ?

A small number have also been resentful, even downright hostile, when they weren't given the kind of response they wanted.

That's because:

a) they didn't clearly think about what they wanted to say

b) they didn't consider if they really wanted to post what they wrote

c) they didn't stand behind what they wrote and were not prepared to accept the thoughts of others who would respond.

When a post is made, members must realize everyone is NOT going to agree or support what you say.

I think when they find/ discover they are not getting the responses they wanted they leave just as quickly as they came in. ?

Those people are only interested in posting click bait.

Speaking of click bait, I am so happy someone else mentioned that a few days ago because I have been feeling that for quite a while.

People posting click bait seem to want only approval and no dissent on what they say or post, and that isn't going to happen in the real world.

People posting click bait seem to want only approval and no dissent on what they say or post, and that isn't going to happen in the real world.

I can think of some who have done this and a few have become angry with Moderators for calling them out on their absurd postings and attitudes, and even for giving them the advice they needed to hear.

The fact Zity is a kink site doesn't mean we have no standards or common decency. But nor are we a place where only approval is acceptable for any idea at all, no matter how ridiculous it might be. Simply disagreeing with someone, or giving well-meaning, sound advice that questions a person's own ideas/attitudes/beliefs, does not amount to an attack. Here we have lively discussions with arguments both for and against.

Ha, and I thought click bait just happened on Youtube,

Peace,

Caz